The YouTube well of Olive Garden TV commercials had run dry, and I'd even thrown a Pizza Hut commercial into the mix for good measure, but it looks like the Olive Garden Confidential series, rewriting Olive Garden ads as they would actually happen in real life, has just gotten a shot in the arm. I found a veritable treasure trove of old OG spots on the Intertubes today, most of them a few years old but still ripe enough to merit a good skewering. Unfortunately, none of the videos are embeddable, so you'll just have to follow the links to The Commercial Archive to watch them, but go ahead and drink in the rich, creamy dorkiness of the ads over there and then come back here to cleanse your palate with some satire.
The first of the Lost Episodes can be viewed here; and now, "Reckoning."
DAD: So, uh, where you gonna go from here?
SON: Probably the penne with meat sauce.
DAD responds with only a patronizing smirk.
SON: (nervous now) Fettucine with alfredo?
DAD: (condescending chuckle) I meant with your life.
SON: Yup, I knew this was coming. Kind of thought we'd have it in a nicer place than an Olive Garden, though.
DAD: What's that supposed to mean?
SON: I don't know, for a heavy conversation like this, I figured we'd go to the bar at the Plaza, or at least Chez François. But if you want to lay into me for my lack of ambition surrounded by a bunch of secretaries and dental hygienists on their lunch break, guess I can't stop you.
DAD: Tell you what, Rockefeller, you move out of the basement, then I'll consider taking you to someplace fancy.
ANNOUNCER: It's Olive Garden's Never-Ending Pasta Bowl. With great new sauces like mushroom alfredo and creamy five-cheese marinara! Pick one combination of sauce and pasta, then another. Have all you want, just $7.95. Plus -- of course -- salad and breadsticks.
SON: I'm in a really good place right now, Dad.
DAD: 'S that right? Enjoy it, 'cause you're not leaving here without a job application.
SON: God, Dad, can't I enjoy my fricking meal?
DAD: That I'm paying for? If you can clean a plate, you can bus a table, kid.
ANNOUNCER: At Olive Garden, when you're here, you're family!
(As always, if anyone has some embeddable video they can throw me for any of these, be my guest.)