C'mere, Cupid -- I got somethin' for ya.
So once again it's Valentine's Day, or as I like to call it, Be A Complete Fucking Asshole To Everyone I Come In Contact With Day -- and just for the record, I was observing it as such even before Ann started campaigning to make it official. I was a prick before being a prick was cool, baby.
Anyway, a year ago today I marked the occasion by retelling three embarrassing stories that I felt were most representative of my dating history at a whole. Since that post was written, the following things happened:
· I got dumped on a voice mail. And just when it seemed like things were going well and I might actually be able to sustain a relationship longer than two months. Not that this is relevant to anything, but the girl did look like Erin Andrews. Fo' realz. Though I'm sure the real Erin Andrews would never do anything that tacky.
· There was this girl who lived in my building for a couple years and, according to some of my neighbors, kind of had a thing for me, but I didn't do anything about it as a result of an unofficial no-dating-anybody-in-the-building policy implemented in the wake of one of the disasters linked to earlier. But anyway, she graduated and moved out last spring, and then over the summer while I was out with a couple friends I ran into her at a bar in Lakeview. I called her up a few days later and asked if she wanted to go out, and she said she wasn't interested anymore.
· I got unloaded by a girl I met through a couple of friends -- after we'd been going out about a month and a half, she informed me that she'd been dating someone else the whole time, and that she'd decided she wanted to be exclusive with him. Fortunately, this left me a perfect opportunity to sound cooler than I actually was, because now, when people ask me what happened with her, I tell them, "Well, she said she wanted to be exclusive, and I just wasn't down with that." The fact that she wanted to be exclusive with someone else usually doesn't, you know, come up.
But the whole thing also led to a very amusing conversation with my friend Autumn, who works at a restaurant that this girl frequented. This happened not too long after I got the heave-ho.
Autumn: That girl you were dating who you brought by here once? She was in here the other day, wearing . . . I don't even know what to call it. She had on a black dress, but you could barely call it a dress, it was like . . . nothing.
Autumn: But wait wait, that wasn't the worst part, she also had on these knee-high boots that were . . . gold. Shiny, sparkly gold. She looked like a stripper.
Me: How did I miss this?
Autumn: I think you might have been out of town.
Me: Well, you have to call me the next time you see something like that, I'll come back.
Autumn: And all the guys in the restaurant were like, 'Is that the girl Doug was going out with?!' and I said yeah . . .
Me: Heh. Awesome.
Autumn: And then they were all like, 'Did he hit that?' And I said I didn't know and it was none of their business . . .
Autumn: It was none of their business! I was standing up for you!
Me: Dude, that's not how you stand up for a guy. If you really wanted to stand up for me you would've said 'Yeah, he shagged her senseless.'
Me: 'Every time they came in here, she had this rosy postcoital glow . . . '
Autumn: Gross! You can do that. I'm through being involved.
So anyway, there are three more notches on the ol' Platial "Dump Spots" map (there may be more that I'm repressing). Now's your chance to bare your own souls about how romance sucks and Valentine's Day blows, but first, since everybody seemed to enjoy the last one, an antisocial, completely non-romantic Not-So-Random-Ten:
1. DeeJay Punk-Roc, "I Hate Everybody"
2. N.W.A., "Straight Outta Compton"
3. Beck, "Today Has Been a Fucked Up Day"
4. Joy Division, "Atrocity Exhibition"
5. The Bloodhound Gang, "You're Pretty When I'm Drunk"
6. Ice Cube, "Dirty Mack"
7. Johnny Cash, "Cocaine Blues"
8. Ween, "Piss Up a Rope"
9. Nouvelle Vague, "Too Drunk to Fuck"
10. Lou Reed, "Sex With Your Parents"
And a bonus 11th, a reminder for everyone else who's alone this Valentine's Day:
11. Avenue Q cast, "The Internet is for Porn"
Put your own romantic horror stories and/or treasured unromantic songs in the comments. We'll get through this together.