Well, I guess I was gonna have to get around to mentioning this sooner or later, but I've added a new marker to my now-world-famous Platial map of places I've been dumped and/or rejected. Yup, I got the heave-ho on Monday, and on a voice-mail, no less. We were at the dog park, I asked her if she wanted to do something later on that week, she told me quite brusquely that she was going to be really busy the rest of the week, I went home and found that my cell phone had run out of power; when I plugged it in, I found that I had two voice-mails, one of which was her informing me that she just didn't have time for a relationship these days but that we could still be friends, and her friend Elisha Cuthbert thought I was cute and wanted to take me for a ride on her unicorn. (OK, I made up that last part, but it's no more ridiculous than the "we can still be friends" part.)
Anyhoo, instead of spending a lot of time pondering how many retarded kids' wheelchairs I must have knocked over in a former life to have earned this kind of luck with women, I bring you this Friday Not-So-Random Ten, which, coincidentally, is going to be the tracklisting of my forthcoming compilation CD of love songs. "Tender Love Songs," 10 of the least romantic songs ever recorded, soon to be available on TV and wherever CDs are sold!
Like this, but with lots more cursing.
Here's the list:
1. Dr. Dre, "Deeez Nuuuts"
2. David Allan Coe, "I'd Like to Fuck the Shit Out of You"
3. Dead Milkmen, "If You Love Someone Set Them on Fire"
4. Sloppy Seconds, "Just Because You're a Girl"
5. Dead Kennedys, "Too Drunk to Fuck"
6. Kaiser Chiefs, "Everyday I Love You Less and Less"
7. N.W.A., "I Ain't tha 1"
8. Johnny Cash, "Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Heart"
9. The Smiths, "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now"
10. DeeJay Punk-Roc, "The World is My Ashtray"
And a bonus track:
11. Billy Idol, "Dancing With Myself"
Before you spend a whole lot of time wondering if that last one really means what you think it does (answer: probably yes), I bring you further celebration of my recent dumpage, courtesy of YouTube: a delightful short film called "Home Base." The video isn't NSFW, but, uh, I'd probably watch it with headphones on if I were you.
Bon appetit! Oh, and feel free to leave your favorite non-romantic, blatantly disgusting, and/or otherwise inappropriate songs in the comments.