Saturday, July 9

Deeeee-NIIIIIS!


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In the span of about two hours this afternoon, the weather here in Birmingham went from sunny, clear, beautiful to charcoal-grey skies, gale-force winds, thunder, pouring rain. Awwww, yeah! Dennis is in the hizz-ouuuuse!

So in the unlikely event that I die in this storm, I'm going to put my living will up on this blog so that there's no doubt about what I want.

1) If I survive, but with no higher brain fuction, ability to recognize my loved ones, etc., I authorize my father to pull the friggin' plug or feeding tube or what have you. And if Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, or Tom Coburn try to intervene, I authorize my father to kick them in the genitals.

2) If I die, I want to be cremated, and have my ashes spread on Karl Rove's face while he sleeps.

3) I leave my car to my friend Erin, because her car sucks.

4) I leave my dog to my sister.

5) I also leave my television, DVD player, computer, iPod, and DVD/VHS collection to my sister, because she'll probably need to pawn all that shit to pay the pet deposit at her apartment.

6) As for the remainder of my possessions, I want there to be a nationally televised round-robin bikini volleyball tournament between Angelina Jolie, Jessica Simpson, Elisha Cuthbert, and the Bush twins, with the winner receiving all of said possessions. I know I won't be around to see it; I'm just trying to make the world a better place.

7) If any person should attempt to interfere with the execution of any of these clauses, I authorize my father to kick them in the genitals.

UPDATE: All clear. What a wimpy hurricane -- it acts all big and bad and category-3 and stuff when it's out there in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, but practically the minute it hits land it gets all scared and is downgraded into this mincing, pansy tropical storm. Didn't lose power last night or anything. I even have to go to work this morning! I got two days off thanks to Hurricane Ivan last year but from Dennis, bupkus. Thanks a heap.

2 comments:

shelly said...

Hahaha, good living will!

Riley said...

Damn it! You survived!!!

Not that I'm not glad about that, of course, but it would've been a really good volleyball game!