Thursday, December 28


No, not that kind of booty -- we covered that in the last post. I'm talking about stuff, loot, swag, presents, the stuff we all say isn't the most important part of Christmas but pretty much is.

I'm just kidding, Jesus. Happy birthday. Please tell Your dad not to smite me.

Anyway, here's some of what I got.

An authentic Red Air Force flask that will be filled with potato vodka at the first opportunity.

A Redskins hat with the gold cursive "R" just like the kind Joe Gibbs wears.

The first season of "Magnum, P.I." on DVD.

And in the least shocking development of all, a new toaster oven. (Thanks, baby sis.)

And then there were the gifts that have become family traditions, like the Gap gift card so that I can do the annual updating of my decrepit wardrobe, and the Playboy in the Christmas stocking. Let me back up on that last one, because there's a story behind it: Supposedly when my dad was 16 he made the mistake of telling his parents he wanted a Playboy for Christmas, and I'm sure they told him they would get him no such thing, but when Christmas Day finally rolled around, there was a Playboy right there in his stocking. And instead of enjoying it like any 16-year-old boy in his situation would, Pops immediately turned beet-red, ran off and hid the magazine under his mattress or something.

So now there's a Playboy in my stocking every December 25th, but the best part every year is hearing the story of how my mom got it. She's only 5'3" or something like that, and of course the lads' magazines are always up in the back of the rack at the bookstore where the children and ne'er-do-wells can't get to them, so most of the time Mom has to ask for help. One year it was from a Ranger who happened to be browsing the magazines at Joe Muggs while she was there; another year it was a couple of college students. According to Mom, this is the conversation that ensued:

Mom: Excuse me, can I get you to grab me one of the Playboys up there in the back?

College student #1: (a bit perplexed at being asked for a Playboy by a middle-aged woman) Uh . . . sure. (gets the magazine) So, like, what are you getting a Playboy for?

Mom: Oh, it's for Christmas, for my son.

College student #1: That . . . is . . . AWESOME!!

College student #2: I wish my mom would get me Playboy.

What's funny is that my dad is probably going to be a lot more embarrassed that I'm divulging all this than my mom is going to be.

But anyway, feel free to leave your own Christmas hauls in the comments thread, because I'm curious to see what everybody got, even if it was just a stocking full of reindeer poop. And I know at least a couple of you out there got that.


John Burzynski said...

Golf equipment...a pull cart, since apparently at age 38 I am getting 'too old' to carry my clubs...

The Playboy story was funny as hell.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like some nice stuff..... I'm especially fond of that Magnum PI box set. I pretty much asked for money so I might actually be able to afford a Wii when they are availible again, and then commence in destroying every television in the house. You know all about that, though, with your whole toaster throwing fetish. Try to hold onto the new one for a bit longer....

Regardless, I did get "How I Met Your Mother" on DVD, a pair of Doc Martins, and a wide range of sex toys. Oh, and uhhh, a stocking full of raindeer poop.

1. "Sex Machine" - James Brown
2. "The Girl With the Sun in her Head" - Orbital
3. "Home for a Rest" - Spirit of the West
4. "Stockholm Syndrome" - Muse
5. "Get it Together" - The Beastie Boys (the phone is ringing... oh my god)
6. "Maybe I'm Right" - Pete Yorn
7."This Place is a Prison" - The Postal Service
8. "Jaws Theme Swimming" - Brand New
9. "A Case of You" - Joni Mitchell
10. "Goodnight and Go" - Imogen Heap

Anonymous said...

looks like you got a beard for Christmas, too!

Anonymous said...

A jar opener and socks. Seriously. At least the gift cardage was good.

deliverator said...

I finally joined the rest of humanity and got an iPod. It is a good thing I don't have a social life because on my shit 4 year old computer sans 2.0 USB port it will take me three and a half months of nonstop work to import three hundred odd CDs.

Oh, and my annual dose of shame for not attending church.

Anonymous said...

Don't feel bad, Sarah -- my mother gave me one of those battery-powered, hands-free can openers ("as seen on TV!"). But I did get an iPod, so now even my 13-year-old daughter thinks I'm kinda cool.

And as an added bonus (and because the people at the Best Buy Service Center don't know their rears from holes in the ground, etc.), I got a brand new laptop -- after doing without for five weeks and two days while the old one was off in Louisville undergoing "repairs" that included installing the wrong motherboard. That extended warranty paid off after all.

Enjoy your new toaster oven, Doug, and try to stay away from it during football games. ;)

Anonymous said...

as a fall back, I buy a gift for me and wrap it. Then i give it to myself "from the family."

That way if their gifts blow, I still have something cool to unwrap. Sort of a safety valve gift.