Thursday, January 15

"At long last, sir, have you no shame? Have you no
-- OK, stupid question, never mind."

U.S. Senate Committee on Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs

The State of the Domestic Pornography Industry
DATE: 1/29/09
TIME: 10:00 A.M.
PLACE: 106 Dirksen Senate Office Building

SEN. CHRISTOPHER DODD (D-CT), CHAIRMAN: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, I appreciate you all being here today for what I can only describe as one of the more unusual, and dare I say frivolous, hearings in the history of this legislative body. Today we will be hearing from two leaders of the, er, adult-entertainment industry, who insist that a five-billion-dollar bailout, similar in scope and purpose to what has been requested by the Big Three American auto manufacturers, is necessary to keep their industry afloat through these difficult economic times.

Before we begin with today's testimony, I would like to make perfectly clear that the official position of this committee is that any American has the right to petition, and be heard by, this nation's government when facing difficult challenges or attempting to bring light to a grave injustice. However, as this situation seems to fit neither of these descriptions, it is my personal opinion that both Mr. Francis and Mr. Flynt should be ashamed of themselves for wasting the government's time like this. Yours is a seedy and disgusting business, one that cheapens the important work of this committee by our mere association with it. Do you have anything to say for yourself, Mr. Francis?

JOE FRANCIS, FOUNDER, “GIRLS GONE WILD”: Compliment received on this end, brah.

SEN. DODD: (sighs audibly) The committee would ask that Mr. Francis, and indeed all of today's witnesses, refrain from making finger-guns toward the panel. All right, Mr. Francis, you may proceed with your opening statement.

MR. FRANCIS: Right on, man, right on. OK, check this out: Times are tough all over, brah. People got less money, and that means they're spending it on fewer things, right? And one of those, sadly, is porn. It's not that they don't want it, 'cause what red-blooded American male is ever gonna get tired of a nice pair of titties or a big juicy —

SEN. DODD: Mr. Francis, Mr. Francis, excuse me, I hate to interrupt your opening statement, but for the sake of dignity, would it put you out tremendously to use the proper, accepted medical terminology for these — for the duration of this hearing?

MR. FRANCIS: Whoa. Heh-heh, tough crowd. Whatever, bro-ham, you got it.

SEN. DODD: (sighs audibly again) Proceed.

MR. FRANCIS: Right on, right on. Anyway, it's doubly messed up, 'cause when people aren't getting their regular dose of ti — uh, I mean, breasts and asses and whatnot, so they're less turned on, and there's less [REDACTED] goin' on, you know what I'm sayin'? I mean, that's bad for the country, brah, if we're not even creating future generations of little dudes and little chicks to become, you know, like, American!

(3-minute pause)

SEN. CHARLES SCHUMER (D-NY): Seriously? Seriously? I had to cancel a long weekend in the Caymans for this.

SEN. RICHARD SHELBY (R-AL), RANKING MEMBER: Mr. Francis, if I may interject here, are you implying that the difficulties of the adult-entertainment industry will have a direct effect on the continued survival of our American society?

MR. FRANCIS: Dude! Thank you! Yes! That's exactly what I'm saying! Aw, it's so great to hear someone gets —

SEN. SHELBY: That may be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life, sir.

MR. FRANCIS: Oh. (pause) Well, don't just take it from me, bro-cephus, I got witnesses. Bunches of 'em!

SEN. DODD: That's right, they said something about witnesses. All right, Mr. Francis, might as well keep this dog-and-pony show rolling.

MR. FRANCIS: OK, dude, cool. All right, like, here are my first two witnesses: Jamie and Tiffani!


SEN. DODD: All right, this chamber will come to order this instant. Young ladies, sit down, we're going to take this one at a time. Uhh — you, the blonde in the tank top, let's get to you first: Please state your name for the record.

MS. J. DOE: My name's Jamie, I'm an A-O-Pi at the University of Florida, GO GATORS!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!! FLORIDA NUMBER ONE!

SEN. SCHUMER: Look at that, Mel, a constituent of yours. How proud you must be.

SEN. MEL MARTINEZ (R-FL): Go to hell, Schumer.

SEN. DODD: Order, order — ma'am, please sit down, yes, thanks, would you mind giving us a brief description of your — uh, your line of work, or your role in the adult-entertainment industry?


SEN. DODD: Let the record show that the witness has just pulled up her shirt and exposed her — OK, that's just inappropriate.

SEN. EVAN BAYH (D-IN): Well, I don't know about you guys, but I just went from six to midnight.


SEN. DODD: Ms. Doe, would you please — somebody restrain her! Not you, Senator —

SEN. JACK REED (D-RI): Come on, that was the only fun I was gonna have all —

SEN.DODD: Senator Reed, Ms. Doe, both of you, take your seats —

SEN. REED: Didn't even want to be on this stupid committee anyway. I wanted to be on Intelligence.

SEN. DODD: Let me be clear, Ms. Doe, one more outburst like that and I will — oh, Lord, what's she doing now?

MS. J. DOE: This is what I think of your stupid committee. SENATE COMMITTEE SUCKS, GATORS NUMBER ONE!! WOOOOOO!!!!

SEN. DODD: Let the record show the witness has turned around, pulled her shorts down, and exposed her rear end in the direction of — you know what? Get her out of here. Ms. Doe, uh, other Ms. Doe, Mr. Francis, you're all excused. The business of this committee will resume after a short break. Thank you. Thank you.

(witnesses are removed from the courtroom)

SEN. SCHUMER: Nice one, dickweed. Just when I was starting to enjoy the view . . .

SEN. DODD: Look, I was enjoying it just as much as you were, but we're on live TV here —

SEN. SHERROD BROWN (D-OH): Have you ever seen an ass like that before? I mean, really seen one, right there in front of you? Looked like two loaves of freshly baked bread —

SEN. JIM BUNNING (R-KY): My dear mother used to make freshly baked bread when I was a young'un.

SEN. MICHAEL ENZI (R-WY): For fuck's sake, Jim.

SEN. BAYH: I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take, guys. I'm pitching a tent down here so big you could hold a wedding under it.

SEN. SCHUMER: Been a long time since you got any, huh, Bayh?

SEN. BAYH: Little while, yeah — why do you ask?

SEN. DODD: Jesus Christ, gentlemen, let's see if we can't pull it together for 15 more minutes, all right? We'll bring Flynt in, we'll speed him through this as quickly as possible, we all get out of here in time for lunch, and nobody makes fools of themselves. Got that?

SEN. SHELBY: Yes. Thank you, chairman.

SEN. BROWN: God, to be that age again. The age where tits like those just stare gravity in the eye and don't even blink

SEN. DODD: Sherrod? Do I need to dismiss you too? Ted Kennedy was prepared to shed his own blood to get in on this hearing. Do I need to give him a call?


SEN. DODD: Great. All right, the committee chamber will come to order — I apologize on behalf of this entire committee for the disturbance just a minute ago, and I trust our next witness, Mr. Flynt, will not be the source of any such disruption. Am I correct in that assumption, Mr. Flynt?


SEN. DODD: Outstanding. Please state your name and occupation for the record.

MR. FLYNT: Name's Larry Claxton Flynt, I own Larry Flynt Publications and I'm the founder and publisher of Hustler magazine.

SEN. DODD: Mr. Flynt, go ahead and make your opening statement.

MR. FLYNT.: Senators, I want you to try and imagine a world. A world where the American porn industry has ceased to exist, and the responsibility for entertaining and titillating the adults of this country has been left to other countries. No more Hustler, no more Black Tail, no more Vivid Video, none of the busty, [REDACTED]-craving porn starlets you've come to know and love.

SEN. DODD: Mr. Flynt, was that last bit quite necessary?

MR. FLYNT: Quiet, Dodd, I'm painting a picture here. Instead of the glossy, sharp-focus vixens of magazines like Hustler and Penthouse, you've got to settle for grainy black-and-white photos that look like they came off a mimeograph machine in Guadalajara. Instead of Tera Patrick and her glorious 36-double-Ds, the likes of which even Michelangelo couldn't sculpt, you're stuck with pale, bruised, possibly underage Romanian girls with boobs the size of mosquito bites. Never again will you get to see Jenna Jameson's tantalizing [REDACTED]-mitten get a righteous --

SEN. BAYH: Did he just call a woman's [REDACTED] a [REDACTED]-mitten?

SEN. DODD: Mr. Flynt, I'm warning you --

MR. FLYNT: If you let our nation's proud porn tradition die out, it's not going to stop there. Advancements in plastic surgery will stagnate. Convenience stores and airport newsstands will lose a huge chunk of their business. Hotel chains will go under because they can no longer charge you twenty bucks for a pay-per-view showing of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Nuttin'." And all because you allowed our adult-entertainment legacy to be handed over to the Eastern Europeans and the Japanese. Your sons and grandsons will no longer be able to hold out hope that a simple pizza delivery can lead to a wild orgy, nor will they ever be able to feast their eyes on the kind of tanned, surgically enhanced, painstakingly waxed beauties that people like me have been cultivating in the San Fernando Valley for generations. No more Tera Patricks, Pamela Andersons, or Alektra Blues -- instead it'll be a bleak future of naked, emaciated Slavic street urchins and tentacle rape. And anime tentacle rape at that.

And when those wondrous images that Flynt Publications and the rest of the American porn industry provide become a distant memory, you're going to be lost, bereft of sexual inspiration. When you go home to your spouses and engage your monthly bout of just enough perfunctory, workmanlike sex to keep you and your wife from murdering each other, you won't be able to soldier through it by imagining that you're actually [REDACTED]ing Tera Patrick or Jamie Lynn. You're actually going to have to imagine you're doing it with . . . your wife.

That's my opening statement, gentlemen, I'll now take your questions.

(slow clapping heard from the gallery; clapping speeds up; more spectators join in; spectators begin standing up; cheering turns into a full-fledged standing ovation)

SEN. DODD: Mr. Flynt, whatever differences of opinion you and I may have had in the past, you have done your country a service by bringing our attention to a grave and looming crisis. All of us on this panel are better people, and indeed the United States is a better nation, for your having stood so bravely before us today in defense of a proud and important industry.

MR. FLYNT: Well, thank you, Senator Dodd, that's very kind.

SEN. DODD: If you'll just go right up Pennsylvania Avenue to the Treasury Department, go see Amanda on the second floor, she'll cut your check for you.

MR. FLYNT: Really? You don't even want me to bring out any of my witnesses?

SEN. DODD: Well . . .

SEN. SHELBY: Chairman, let the man be heard.

SEN. DODD: Really?

SEN. SHELBY: (whispering) Come on, Chris. I need this.

SEN. DODD: Well, it would be a shame for them to have come all this way . . .

MR. FLYNT: Excellent. Renee, Bambi, you're up first.

SEN. DODD: Can someone see about getting those cameras switched off?



bill said...

Sublime. And you made it all the way through without noting it was before an ad-coc committee.

jhblanchard said...

Boobs and Politics as labels... Kinda goes without saying don't it? But, I am glad to see boobs as a label taking off. Now I'm off to support Mr. Francis. "It's for the economy honey, not me."

Universal Remonster said...

Haha. I was waiting for it Doug, and you didn't let me down. And just to let you know, I totally spit tea all over my keyboard when I read "The Curious Case of Benjamin Nuttin'".