Now then. Today we celebrate 231 years of this grand experiment we call the United States of America -- in cosmic terms that may just be a drop in the bucket, but it's a pretty long time for a democratic nation, certainly long enough for us to be getting the senior citizens' discount at the UN surf 'n' turf buffet. It's been a wild ride, we've had a few laughs, even inspired a few other countries to follow in our footsteps.
But man, we've really starting screwing this thing up.
Our president seems to be more concerned with protecting stem cells and disgraced former vice-presidential chiefs of staff than his own living citizens. His
D'you think maybe it's time we apologized to Great Britain and got back with them again?
Liz is not amused with all this "independence" bollocks.
I know what you're going to say: "But Doug, they're a monarchy!" Yes, but they're a constitutional monarchy -- and that's a lot more constitution-focused than anyone in our executive branch has been for the last few years. It gives me no pleasure to admit that in terms of democracy, we're getting our asses handed to us by the very same country whose yoke of monarchical oppression we had to work our way out from under just a few centuries ago, but facts are facts: Their elections are going off without a hitch, they've got free health care, and their new prime minister, Gordon Brown, seems to be a stand-up guy. And with the exception of Prince Harry's Cartman impression from a couple years back, even the royal family has been refreshingly embarrassment-free of late. They're certainly no worse than the Bushes at this point.
And that's even before you get into the cultural aspects -- cooler accents, stronger beer, and getting to drop what you're doing every afternoon and have tea, for starters. (It's like an Anglicized, stuffier version of a siesta, but with refreshments.) And just think about all that could've been if we'd stuck with the UK instead of getting all high and mighty and independence-happy. We could be taking credit for James Bond, the Jaguar XJ8, and Lucy Pinder right now; instead we got stuck with Steven Seagal, the Hummer H2, and Paris Hilton.
That's karmic punishment for our arrogance right there, folks, and like Liz Lemon seeing the writing on the wall (at least for one or two episodes) and getting back together with her boyfriend on "30 Rock," maybe it's time we "settled" -- time that we realized the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the Atlantic and reconciled with our smaller, less charismatic, but ultimately smarter and more stable ex. There will be some things we'll have to work out -- being able to keep American football as, at the very least, a supplement to "footie" is a deal-breaker as far as I'm concerned -- but ultimately I'm confident this will be for the best.
Or, if that doesn't work, maybe we could cut a deal with our next-door neighbor and become Southern Canada. I'm just planting seeds here.
For reals, you could have it so much worse than being a Canuck.
At any rate, while I go off and make myself an eggy in the basket and ponder what might have been, I leave you with this all-UK, all-the-time Semi-Random Ten as a peace offering to our former limey overlords. Seriously, guys, TJ was just kidding with that whole "necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands" shit. We're sorry, and if you ever want to, you know, give us a call or something, we'll be here.
1. New Order, "Krafty" (DJ Dan dub remix)
2. Radiohead, "Where I End and You Begin (The Sky Is Falling In)"
3. Groove Armada, "Suntoucher"
4. Underworld, "Rowla"
5. Pet Shop Boys, "Overture to Performance"
6. Phil Collins, "Something Happened on the Way to Heaven"
7. Prodigy, "Firestarter"
8. The Clash, "Spanish Bombs"
9. The Pretenders, "Stop Your Sobbing"
10. Zero 7, "Destiny"
Do me a favor -- no, I'm sorry, a favour -- and throw your own Random or Semi-Random Tens in the comments, whether they're British, Canadian, or anything else. Cheerio, schmucks.