Last week the +5 was a somewhat controversial list of women I shouldn't think are hot, but do; this week we flip the script and list Five Women I Should Think Are Hot, But Don't.
(Disclaimer: Walking disasters such as Lindsay "I Know Who Killed My Career" Lohan and Britney "Eatin' Chicken Wings in a Gucci Dress" Spears are not eligible for this list. I don't care what they looked like four years ago -- nobody should think they're hot now, unless your idea of foreplay is holding a chick's hair back while she pukes her guts out.)
So here's the Five:
Maybe I'm being gratuitously dickish here, but I really think the Seinfeld episode "The Strike," the one where Jerry's dating the "two-face" girl who's gorgeous at some times and frightening at others, was inspired by Penelope Cruz. The pictures above are a case in point: At right, we have Good Penelope -- fresh-faced, windswept, smokin'; at left, though, we have Evil Penelope -- angular, smirking rather than smiling, one eye weirdly bigger than the other. (You can really see it in this photo, apparently taken during Cruz's audition for the lead role in "The Forest Whitaker Story.") Her duality is so pronounced that she can sometimes switch back and forth between the two in the span of a single movie (as you would know if you've seen "Vanilla Sky"); in the end, I guess I just don't like the odds here.
The bottle-blond hair, the suspiciously intense tan (particularly for a British person), the bizarre futuristic outfits, the boobs that stare gravity in the face and laugh -- she just doesn't even look like an actual human being to me, but rather some advanced humanoid that was grown in a lab. It's entirely possible that she was created by an alien race who sent her down to earth to mate with David Beckham and spawn a master race of alien-human hybrids who will enslave us with their telepathic powers and their ability to "bend it," whatever the hell that means. (While I'm rolling here, another thing I don't get is the whole point of that "Coming to America" reality show she's got on NBC. A fabulously wealthy, globally famous woman whom some people obviously consider attractive, married to a soccer superstar, coming to the entertainment capital of the world . . . oh, heavens, however will she manage in this strange new land? As if it weren't bad enough that she has to be chauffeured around on a completely different side of the road over here, she's going to have to learn an entirely new word for "bumbershoot"!)
Any of the Girls Next Door who aren't Holly
I don't know, the other two just don't do a whole lot for me. Then again, I've never had three apparently Playboy-caliber girls offer to all live in my apartment and triple-team me at my leisure, so what do I know. (If that ever happens, I'll be sure to update this post as necessary.)
The Pussycat Dolls
Here's how out of it I am: I had to go to Wikipedia to find out what exactly they are, which is apparently "an American pop and R&B, and dance and burlesque ensemble." Oh, uh, OK. Upon further investigation, "The Pussycat Dolls" appears to be a broadly nebulous title applied to any of a number of singing/dancing groups in various places around the country whose "leadership" and composition are subject to change at any time, so . . . yeah, I still don't know what the fuck is going on here. I do know three things, though: 1) The concept of pre-fab thrown-together pop groups is, to me, distasteful on its face; 2) a group of strippers who don't actually take their clothes off is like a BMW with square tires; and 3) I could probably go down the street to the Blue Monkey tonight and, in less than 15 minutes of searching, pick out a dozen Birmingham-area girls hotter than any of the Dolls. What I would then do with that dozen is anyone's guess, but my initial guess is that it'd involve baby oil, naked pyramids, and a Vespa scooter. I have needs.
I can honestly say I didn't think she was all that big a deal even at the height of her career; and then she started throwing phones at people. (Now, dating really hot psycho chicks can be kind of exciting when they seem normal at first and you get to slowly uncover their various layers of psychosis one by one, but if you go into it knowing they're bat-shit crazy, man, that's just stupid.)
There, I said it. And now the Ten:
1. Nancy Sinatra, "You Only Live Twice"
2. Kylie Minogue, "Falling"
3. DJ Shadow, "Right Thing/GDMFSOB"
4. Keith Frank and the Soileau Zydeco Band, "Sometimes We Make You Move Your Feet"
5. Jan Hammer, the theme song to "Miami Vice"
6. Ice Cube, "Who Got the Camera?"
7. Pet Shop Boys, "Se A Vida É" (Pink Noise mix)
8. Pet Shop Boys, "The Resurrectionist" (Goetz B. mix)
9. David Cross, "My Daughter's First Date"
10. The Strokes, "Trying Your Luck"
And there you have it . . . now you're welcome to throw your own Ten, and/or gals (or guys) whose alleged hotness you just don't "get," in the comments.