The Friday Random Ten+5 would prefer that your bloodline end here.

Whatever else I try to accomplish here at Hey Jenny Slater, I try to be intensely focused on customer service. And you may not know this, but I take requests, as long as it's not an unbelievably stupid idea. An example of a non-stupid idea: Bestest friend Kristen, honorary HJS Exalted Hero of the Revolution, e-mailed me from Denver a couple weeks ago to call my attention to this article concerning the first five Coloradans who should be given the new male birth-control pill. Plus-five idea? You're damn straight, buddy.

I have to confess I'm a little mystified about how the male pill works -- does it prevent you from ejaculating? Or maybe it administers a tiny dose of THC to each of your sperm cells, meaning that all of your sperm are too tired to make it to the fallopian tubes and are too busy going "Dude, have you ever looked at a uterus? I mean, really looked at a uterus?" besides. But I'll leave that to doctors and other science people to figure out. All I can do is come up with the list of Five Guys Who Should Be Given The Male Birth-Control Pill Before Anyone Else, and here it is:



James "Jim Bob" Duggar
The Duggar name may not automatically ring a bell, but trust me, you've heard of him: He's the former Arkansas state legislator who evidently had it revealed to him in a dream that his wife's sole purpose on earth was to serve as a walking, sentient fetus factory. A quarter-century later, they've got 18 kids and have shown no inclination to cease spawning anytime soon. Somehow this has to be stopped -- if not for the sake of our overburdened planet, then for the sake of poor Michelle Duggar's uterus, which has to be held together with bulldog clips and duct tape by now.



Leonardo DiCaprio
Those of you who are heavily involved in fantasy football are probably familiar with the concept of a "Can't Cut" list, which basically sets aside the really elite players in the league, your Peyton Mannings and your LaDainian Tomlinsons and so on, and says no team can just summarily drop them from the roster because to drop a player that awesome would have to involve some kind of shenanigans. Why do I bring this up? Well, Bar Refaeli, international supermodel and confirmed HJS birthday buddy, would seem like an obvious candidate to go on the worldwide "Can't Cut" list of potential sexual partners -- and yet Leonardo DiCaprio gave her the heave-ho earlier this week. What the fuck? Leo, dude, you were awesome in "The Departed," but be that is at may, you're kind of a fucking ingrate, and if that's the best judgment you're capable of exhibiting then perhaps you're not someone who should be fathering children. Plus the more offspring wandering around out there with DiCaprio's DNA, the harder it's going to be for my sons to get tail 25 or 30 years from now.



Glenn Beck
Tough call between Beck and Sean Hannity here. Both are so dumb they'd lose a battle of wits to a Speak & Spell, and both seem to think volume and hyperbole is a reasonable substitute for actual facts or grasp of current events. But Hannity is merely an annoying asshole, like those tiny little dogs who think they're Great Danes and spend every waking hour barking and trying to nip at your ankles; Beck is full-on, raving, black-helicopter, shithouse-rats-won't-even-talk-to-him crazy. Not only that, but Hannity appears to have stopped at two kids; Beck has popped out four, and at the age of 45 he's got plenty more child-bearing years in him, provided Eli Lilly and Company manages to ride out the recession in good financial health. I've got a sinking feeling Beck is poised to fashion at least one more little Beckling whose head he can stuff with loon-ball Obama-is-Hitler propaganda, and we owe it to future generations to head that off before it happens.



Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
"Date Movie." "Epic Movie." "Meet the Spartans." "Disaster Movie." These two asslicks should be denied the right to breed based on that résumé alone. But you just know that these guys are the kind of self-satisfied, douchey, aggravating, laugh-at-their-own-jokes dumb-jock types who were roundly despised even by their own fraternity brothers, and given fertile, unsuspecting young women to plant on their casting couch, they'll bring up their kids to be the exact same kind of people. Sorry, guys, can't allow that to happen. The rest of society can regurgitate pop-culture tidbits just fine on its own.



Tony Romo
Remember what a gigantic, inescapable f%$#ing deal it was when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner had their first kid? Or when Gwyneth Paltrow and that dude from Coldplay whose name I'm too lazy to look up had theirs? We didn't -- couldn't -- stop hearing about it for weeks. And if Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson succeed in popping out an offspring, it's going to be every bit as bad. And that's just the start: If they have a boy, that kid's almost certain to start playing football at some point, which means that in 18 years we'll no doubt be subjected to a recruiting battle more exhaustingly annoying than Jimmy Clausen, Bryce Brown, and Nick Montana put together. (On the other hand, if they have a girl, then there's your 2028 Miss Teen South Carolina right there.)

And now the Ten:

1. Underworld, "Unruly July"
2. Dave Attell, "Gambling"
3. David Holmes, "Don't Die Just Yet"
4. The Breeders, "No Aloha"
5. Busta Rhymes, "Things We Be Doin' For Money Part 1"
6. Sir Mix-A-Lot, "Baby Got Back"
7. The Buzzcocks, "Why Can't I Touch It?"
8. Public Enemy, "Caught, Can We Get a Witness?"
9. Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
10. The Who, "Who Are You"

Your turn: Your own Random Tens and/or nominees for the first round of male birth control go in the comments, please.

SEC: THE MOVIE!, or what happens when yet another fun distraction gets completely out of hand.

So I finally got around to reading Michael Lewis's The Blind Side this past week, and tellingly, I only needed four days to devour it cover-to-cover; it was an amazing story, but also a fascinating history of the evolution of the left tackle position that explains precisely why a guy like Michael Oher (currently preparing for his rookie season with the Baltimore Ravens) would be in such high demand. As you may have already heard, they're turning the book into a movie, and three coaches who figured heavily in the recruiting battle for Oher -- Nick Saban, Phil Fulmer, and Ed Orgeron -- will be playing themselves in said film.

Having seen numerous interviews with Oher's adopted family and other people who figured prominently in the story that makes up The Blind Side's narrative, I had my own ideas for who should play whom in the movie, and had Saban, Fulmer, and Orgeron declined to appear in the movie, I decided I would've gone after . . .



Fred Thompson as Phil Fulmer
Who better to play Fulmer than a near-lifelong Tennessean? (Though if Thompson did decide to decline the role so that he could make another half-assed run for the presidency in 2012, Joe Don Baker would do in a pinch, provided he's not already booked for the long-awaited "Mitchell" sequel.)



Bruce Campbell as Nick Saban
The guy with the perfect look to play this pivotal role, of course, is Don Johnson, 20 years removed from "Miami Vice" but still as gloriously coiffed as ever. But I decided fairly early on that Bruce Campbell would have to be involved in this project somehow, and I can think of no more ideal role for him to play than that of the Armani Bear. Having gotten his big break playing a character who had to defeat hordes of demonically possessed, re-animated corpses, Campbell is perfectly suited to play someone charged with taming a massive fan base still convinced that Bear Bryant is coming back. Plus, can't you just picture Campbell saying the line "I just love those window treatments" in a perfect deadpan? I know I can.



Ed Marinaro as Ed Orgeron
Marinaro even played football himself (at both the college and pro levels), so all we'd need to do is get a voice coach to teach him to bellow incoherently and he'd be all set to play the coach whose program Michael Oher eventually chooses. Then again, if we wanted to throw caution to the wind and shift into total stunt-casting mode, we could always give the role to Sylvester Stallone, who is equally muscled up and has the incoherent-bellowing thing down pat already.

So that was all well and good, but then I got into an e-mail conversation with Dave from the quite excellent Michigan blog Maize 'n' Brew, and Dave had to go and mention the SEC coaches' meeting post from a few weeks back. And I got to thinking, how would I cast that as a big-budget slapstick comedy? And before I knew it, the morning was gone and I had a full cast for "SEC: THE MOVIE," coming the 12th of Never to a theatre nowhere near you! Let 'er rip:



Michael Douglas as Steve Spurrier
This was a challenge, as it takes a very special actor to convey Spurrier's unique blend of football-history-altering gravitas and snickering schoolyard douchebaggery. I think Douglas, who both delivered the legendary "greed is good" speech in "Wall Street" and played a sleazy toupeed hitman in "One Night at McCool's," could pull it off.



Alec Baldwin as Les Miles
Squint a little and they almost, kinda, sorta start to look a little bit alike. And if you've watched even five minutes of "30 Rock," you know Baldwin is well-equipped to play someone whose spectacular success and influence masks a core of barely contained insanity.



Christian Bale as Urban Meyer
Holly recommended this one, and while I would love to cast Robert "T-1000" Patrick in this role, Holly's right that there is a definite resemblance between Meyer and the guy from that other "Terminator" movie.



Seth Rogen as Lane Kiffin
In the TV series "Freaks and Geeks," Rogen played a class clown who was always trying to be the center of attention; in "Observe and Report," he played a disturbed individual who had delusions of grandeur far above his meager station in life. Is there anyone on the planet, then, better suited to play Kiffykins? I think not, and that's before we even get to the physical resemblance.



Dennis Quaid as Mark Richt
The physical resemblance is kind of meh, but Quaid has the right sort of freshly-scrubbed, All-American good-guy look to play Richt. (But he did play a sleazy drug-lord lawyer in "Traffic," so he's got enough inner villainy to order a team-wide end-zone celebration if it comes to that.)



Steve Martin as Bobby Johnson
Duh.



Tom Arnold as Houston Nutt
Also duh.



Rob Riggle as Dan Mullen
For State fans' sake, I hope Mullen is even half as funny as Riggle; I dug deep into the MSU roster for a preview article I was writing for the 2009 edition of Roll Bama Roll's preseason publication, and trust me, the folks in Starkville are gonna need something to make them smile this season.



Dylan Baker as Bobby Petrino
Plenty of disagreement here: Holly says Kevin Spacey is too oily to play Petrino, while I think oily is exactly what the character calls for. So we'll go with Baker instead, who played a corrupt accountant in "The Road to Perdition" and a bank-fraud-committing "fixer" in "Changing Lanes," and is thus plenty capable of playing a sleaze.



Philip Baker Hall as Rich Brooks
Hall is a little old to play Brooks, but I think he'd be curmudgeonly enough. (Still, Holly had another good stunt-casting idea: Mel Brooks as Rich Brooks?)



Gary Cole as Gene Chizik
This one was hard, too, because there were just so many people who resembled Chizik to some degree. In the end, though, I decided there had to be a little bit of Bill Lumbergh in Auburn's new coach. I just know it. I can't tell you how I know; I just do.

With Ron Rifkin as SEC Commissioner Mike Slive, Buck Henry as former South Carolina coach/ESPN commentator Lou Holtz, and Brendan Fraser as Heisman-winning quarterback Tim Tebow.

(Got any better ideas? By all means, let me hear 'em.)

How good is good enough in '09?

The term means different things to different people, but "rebuilding year" is a pretty commonly accepted definition for the state of Georgia's football team in 2009. The silver lining to such a situation, of course, is that we aren't burdened with the kind of hype and high expectations that, as last year's campaign proved, are extremely difficult to live up to. The flip side to that, though, is that we don't really go into this season with a set of clearly defined goals. With any team, even the most talented ones, you don't know what the team is capable of until you've actually played the entire season; with this team, though, we're still somewhat uncertain as to what they should be capable of. On the one hand we're having to figure out how to bounce back from the departure of guys like Matt Stafford and Knowshon Moreno, but on the other hand, we've got Phil Steele saying we can still be a dark-horse national-title contender.

Without getting into too much detail about any one game on this year's slate -- we've got the rest of the offseason for that -- we've got only one game it looks like we should definitely win and only one game we're probably destined to lose. Between those, we've got three games we're at least fairly certain to be favored to win, two in which we'll probably be underdogs, and five (five of the first six games, in fact, by my count) that are complete toss-ups at this point. So if the absolute, end-of-the-world worst-case scenario is thus 4-8 and the best-case is 11-1 (plus, what the hell, a 12th win in a bowl game), that averages out to an eight-win season. There are a lot of similarities, though, between this season and 2005, in which we rolled out a physically gifted but largely untested QB who'd been patiently waiting his turn behind a superstar -- and yet we still won 10 games and an SEC title, despite having to replace far more defensive talent than the '09 squad will have to. Even in 2006, when we were also breaking in new QBs and managed to lose to Vanderbilt and Kentucky, we still managed to swing nine wins. So maybe 8-4 or 8-5 is still pegging things a little low.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that going 9-3 in the regular season, then notching a 10th win in a bowl game, would be huge for this team. Despite a supposed rebuilding situation, we would have matched the record (and likely the approximate bowl destination) of the previous year's team, which had been touted for the national title, and I can't think of a better case for "We don't rebuild, we reload" than that. That would also give Mark Richt a career tally of 92-25 and a seventh 10-win season in nine years; all of those factors together would serve to cement Georgia as a pretty elite program. And as history has shown us, it's certainly achievable.

But that's just my take on the subject -- what's yours? I've put together this poll to get a very basic sketch of what Georgia fans' (and non-fans') expectations are of this year's team; once the responses to this poll take shape, I'll put up some more polls to get into the specifics of which teams you think we should beat, which bowl we should go to, and that sort of thing. But for right now, I just want you to run this year's schedule through your individual brain computers and spit out what seems like a reasonable and satisfactory outcome to you. This isn't meant to be a prediction of what you think's going to happen; all I'm looking for is your baseline below which you'll be a disappointed fan, and at or above which you'll call this season worthwhile.

poll by twiigs.com

Again, more specific questions (and responses) will follow eventually, but in the meantime you're welcome to expound on your poll responses in the comments.

Good news for once.

Coming off of what was (by our standards) a rather disappointing season, Georgia has nevertheless been blessed by a spate of good news in the offseason, particularly in the last week or so.



· Picked up the new Phil Steele at the newsstand yesterday, which was like having a second birthday within five days of the actual one. Steele has Georgia at #13 in his national rankings and #7 on his list of "surprise teams" and deems the Dawgs "a surprise National Title contender." From your lips to God's ears, Mr. Steele.

· For the first time in what seems like forever, we're not going to go into summer practice with a bajillion injuries.

· A huge wide-receiver prospect committed to Georgia on Tuesday -- meaning that after several years of griping about how we didn't have a real game-breaking receiver, we may soon be starting three (A.J. Green, Marlon Brown, and the new commit, Da'Rick Rogers) on the same unit.

· Someone other than the Bulldogs has been busy getting arrested lately -- and it hasn't been for minor scooter-related violations, either.

The late-spring not-so-random 25.

The preseason college-football publications from Athlon, The Sporting News, Phil Steele and the like have either been released or are just about to hit newsstands, so it's time for the time-honored (well, two-year-honored) tradition of taking all these folks' top-25 rankings and combining them into a composite top 25 to get an idea of what the "official" preseason polls will look like a couple months from now. (The composite from 2007 is here, last year's is here.)

The full rankings collected in this composite can be viewed with this Google spreadsheet. I've got eight sets of rankings collected, and certainly could've found more, but I didn't want to use anything that was put out before this year's spring games started just because I don't think you can really know all that much about any of those teams before then. As I explained over at Dr. Saturday back in March, these "pre-preseason" top 25s are really just kind of silly attention-getting exercises from pundits just looking for something to write about in a major dead period, and I'd much rather use rankings dished out after we've actually had something (even if it's just practice and a few meaningless exhibition games) to look at. Which is not to say that all of those pundits made dramatic changes from their "pre-preseason" ballots to their more recent revisions, but at least they've got a little more actual evidence or evidence-like substance upon which to base their predictions.

With these eight sets of rankings rolled into one, the composite looks like this:

1. Florida
2. Texas
3. Oklahoma
4. Southern California
5. Virginia Tech
6. Alabama
7. Ohio State
8. Ole Miss
9. Oklahoma State
10. Penn State
11. LSU
12. Oregon
13. Boise State
14. Georgia
15. California
16. Georgia Tech
17. Texas Christian
18. Florida State
19. North Carolina
20. Notre Dame
21. Utah
22. Nebraska
23. Brigham Young
24. Kansas
25. Oregon State

Others receiving votes: Cincinnati, Iowa, Texas Tech, East Carolina, Rutgers, Michigan State, Illinois, West Virginia, Miami, Pittsburgh, UCLA, Houston, Clemson.

Here are the eight sets of rankings included and when they were issued:
SI.com (Andy Staples): April 28
Athlon: May 1-June 4
CBS Sportsline (Dennis Dodd): May 6
ESPN.com (Mark Schlabach): May 15
Atlanta Journal-Constitution (Tony Barnhart): May 15
Lindy's: Second half of May to June 9
The Sporting News (Matt Hayes): May 22-ish
Phil Steele: May 27-June 9

So here's what jumps out at me:

· Not terribly surprisingly, Florida is a unanimous #1 in all of these rankings. But I wouldn't get too big a head about that, Gator fans: USC was a unanimous #1 in 2007, too -- just four short months before they lost at home to Stanford.

· The next three spots are pretty uniform, too -- Texas is #2 in all of the rankings but one, Oklahoma is #3 in all but two, and USC is #4 in all but three of the rankings. The rest of the top 10s mostly feature some combination of Virginia Tech, Alabama, Ohio State, Ole Miss, and Oklahoma State.

· Georgia Tech places higher than Georgia in all but two of the rankings, but in the final tally the Dawgs end up two slots higher than the Yellow Jackets (#14 compared to #16). The reason? Most of the rankings that put Georgia Tech higher have UGA just one or two slots below GT, but the two that have Georgia higher (Athlon and Phil Steele) have the Dawgs way ahead: Athlon has Georgia #14 and Tech #22, while Phil Steele has the Dawgs at #13 and leaves the Jackets out of the top 25 entirely (they're actually at #28 behind South Florida and Southern Miss). Just another reason to worship Steele, I guess.

· Then again, Steele might just be nuts: He's got Notre Dame at #7, the only pollster who has the Irish higher than the low teens (CBS and Lindy's left Notre Dame completely out of their top 25s). He also doesn't have any love for Oregon, who wasn't any lower than #15 anywhere else and made it into three top 10s. Then again, the purpose of Steele's top 25/40 is perhaps a little different from the others -- his is skewed a little bit more toward trying to predict where all the teams will be at the end of the year than how good they are at the very beginning.

· Other controversial teams include a pair of teams with terrific RBs but untested quarterbacks: LSU ranks as high as #6 (Lindy's) and as low as #17 (Athlon and Steele), while California ranges between #9 (Steele again) and #23 (Tony Barnhart). Texas Christian appeared as high as #11 in SI.com's list but was left off of Athlon's entirely.

· If these rankings are to be taken at face value, most of the conference races appear to be pretty cut-and-dried: Florida, USC, Virginia Tech, and Ohio State are mostly ranked well ahead of their nearest conference challengers. And it looks like a pretty blah year for the Big 10, which doesn't have any teams in the final top 25 other than the Buckeyes (and Nittany Lions -- whoopsy). The SEC West race, though, could be really interesting.

· It'll also be a blah yeah for the Big East, which has zero teams in the composite top 25, and for Conference USA, in which only two of 12 teams got any votes at all.

(This composite will be updated periodically as new preseason rankings pop up from credible sources; if you know of any that I haven't included, e-mail me here.)

I laughed, I cried, I . . . well, you know what I did.

Twittered today by Orson Swindle:



Yes, it's real, and it's not scat porn. Regardless, I still don't want to know what "the challenge" entails, but I'll bet the musical numbers are absolute showstoppers.

Happy weekend, dorks.

The Friday Random Ten+5 dreams big.

Well, yesterday I turned 31, and for some reason I actually found myself taking stock of my life more than I did last year when I hit the big three-oh. Some of the things I'd wanted to do -- graduate from college, travel outside the country, date a stripper, go to the Michigan-Ohio State game -- I've managed to cross off my list, but there are still a few things hanging out there that I haven't done yet. So this week's +5 is Five Things I Want To Accomplish In The Next Thirty-One Years Of My Life. Hopefully 31 years will be enough time to knock them all out, but you never know:



Get mentioned in a Wu-Tang Clan song
There are still eight members left, so I figure I should be able to make friends with at least one of them. Preferably GZA or Ghostface.



Open a Hooters in a foreign country
This is one where I've kind of got to get on the stick -- Hooters has already opened up establishments in 24 foreign countries and a few overseas territories besides, so I'm running out of opportunities to truly break some new ground here. But as near as I can tell, Rio de Janeiro, Bratislava, Heidelberg, and Moscow are all ripe for new locations. Any one of those cities would have a large customer base, and an extensive pool of "talent" with respect to potential employees, to draw from.



Drive a car through a fruit stand or plate-glass window
This happens often enough in action movies that I'm kind of disappointed I haven't gotten to do it yet. I'd compensate the fruit vendor and/or glass company for their loss of assets, of course.



Meet Hugh Hefner
I bet a guy like that has all sorts of sage advice to offer someone like me, including the answers to major life questions such as "How can I remain an incredible badass even at the age of 83?" and "How do you maintain three ridiculously hot girlfriends at once and keep them all from despising each other?" I mean, I should be so lucky as to ever be faced with either of those issues, but still.



Eject from a fighter plane
I've already crashed a car and made the airbags go off; this, I guess, would kind of be the next step up. They both involve controlled explosions and a vehicle that's probably going to be unusable afterward.

And now the Ten, courtesy of the iPhone 'cause my iPod's in my car and I don't feel like going down and getting it:

1. The English Beat, "Mirror in the Bathroom"
2. Sloppy Seconds, "I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual"
3. Donna Summer, "I Feel Love"
4. The Police, "Every Breath You Take"
5. R.E.M., "At My Most Beautiful"
6. U2, "11 O'Clock Tick Tock"
7. Dead Kennedys, "Short Songs"
8. Talking Heads, "(Nothing But) Flowers"
9. Joy Division, "Love Will Tear Us Apart"
10. Pet Shop Boys, "My Head Is Spinning" (Electro set remix)

Your turn -- Random Tens and goals for the next however many years of your life go in the comments.

One of these things is not like the other.

All of the following people were born on June 4. Which one doesn't belong?


Miss January 1991 Stacy Arthur (41).


Miss February 1992 Tanya Beyer (38).


Actress and serial Third-World child adopter Angelina Jolie (34).


Porn starlet Jenaveve Jolie (25).


Actress Jillian Murray (25).


Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Tori Praver (23).


Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover model Bar Refaeli (24).


Miss December 2002 Lani Todd (28).


And me (31).

Take your time.

(Give up? It's Bar Refaeli, who was born in Israel. All the others were born in the United States. Duh.)

The wedding's off! . . .

. . . because I don't know that I can ever forgive my former wife-to-be for burdening me with this.

Flickchart is a diabolically simple movie-ranking system: It throws up a pair of movies on the screen and you pick which one you liked better, and over the course of dozens, or hundreds, or (in my case) bajillions of such binary decisions, you wind up with a precise ranking of your favorite movies. Scoff if you want, but just try it for five minutes; at the end of those five minutes, you will look up and realize you have actually spent the last five hours doing this, and you will understand the truth of my statement that Flickchart is as addictive as French fries, crystal methamphetamine, and no-strings-attached sexual intercourse combined. It won't be long before someone at work asks me "Have you finished that article on breast-cancer research yet?" and I'm forced to answer "No! . . . But I have deduced conclusively that I like 'The Bourne Ultimatum' better than 'Driving Miss Daisy,' so there's that."

(By the way: Maya, I apologize in advance. You're never going to see Josh again. Well, not until football season, at least. Sorry 'bout that.)

Leprechauns! SWARM!

Clearly, I've underestimated you.

So yesterday the good Dr. Saturday posted the third installment in my ongoing "Better Know an Embattled Coach" series, this time about Notre Dame head man Charlie Weis. It was marked at the very top as part of a series, and just for good measure, links were included down at the bottom to the previous installments on Steve Kragthorpe and Al Groh.

That post went up at 3:01 p.m. Eastern. Twenty-six minutes later, the first comment pops up, and it is this:

Wow. I guess no other school ever had down years right? I guess when Alabama wasnt so good and lost 6 years in a row to Auburn that was okay right? How many articles have you written about Tennessee since they havent done anything in years? Did you write about LSU who didnt beat anyone last year with a pulse after going to the NC the year before and nearly losing to Troy at home? Or is it that you just know ND articles get attention and people reading them no matter what?

First, I wonder if "Justin D" and this guy are roommates? (Good job, Nostradamus, by the way.)

Second: Yes. In fact, that is precisely what I meant to imply: No school has ever had a down year except for Notre Dame. In 2007, when the Irish were busy going 3-9, every other team in the country somehow went 12-0 and finished in a 118-way tie for the BCS National Championship, and that is why Notre Dame sucks and you're ugly and everybody hates you.

Aw, I'm just kidding! Clearly, I owe you an apology, Justin D, and here it is.

Dreams do come true.

Back around the beginning of May, someone at Gizmodo came up with the awesome idea for "iPanties."

And less than a month later, they are a reality.





Yes, we live in the greatest country on earth, and don't let anyone tell you different.

(Thanks to you-know-who for alerting me to this momentous event.)

OK, maybe they're finally getting it.

After more than a decade, GM is finally getting out of the erectile-dysfunction business. Good for them.



Looking back over that previous statement, it occurred to me that I might have come off a little harsh, and that my statement might be construed as insulting to Hummer enthusiasts. I know that not all Hummer owners are douchey middle-aged guys trying to overcompensate for the fact that they can't get it up anymore, and in most cases have minuscule cocks to begin with. Some of them are also brainless suburban-Atlanta housewives who are convinced that some day they might have to slog through six inches of snow to get to Starbucks.

And the rest are rap stars and professional athletes.

I hope that clears things up.