Friday, August 18

Roundtable No. 1: Polls, underrated Hokies, and time travel.

Now that the Blogpolling has begun in earnest and bloggers everywhere are rushing to both justify their rankings and belittle those of others, leading to the kind of trenchant, enlightening "You suck"/"No, you suck" debates that only the blogosphere can produce, it's also time to bust out with the series of regularly scheduled blogger roundtables to discuss all manner of things -- teams, coaches, polls, schedules, coffee, dogs, daughters, Darryl Strawberry, the long ball, you know, no big whoop.

Our first official roundtable of the 2006 season is brought to you by The House Rock Built, makers of fine Notre Dame-related blogs and blogging products for over 11 months. House, what say you?

1. What's the biggest ripoff in this preseason poll? Either pick a team that's offensively over- or underrated, or you can rag on a particular voter's bad pick (hey, we're all adults here, we can handle it).

I'm surprised to find that I don't have any huge, fiery objections to the initial poll. I'm not really feeling Florida as the #7 team in the country (though I put them at #10, so I guess I don't have too much room to complain), and I think Virginia Tech will only look better and better as the season progresses, but other than that I can't really find anything that really drives me into an Orgeronic fury.

Except for the Hawkeye fan over at The Bemusement Park who left Georgia off his preseason ballot entirely. He better find someone to start his car for him in the morning. But everyone else is safe for the time being.


Nope, nothing to see here. Hey, anybody know where the Beirut chapter of the Bulldog Club meets up?

2. What shold a preseason poll measure? Specifically, should it be a predictor of end-of-season standing (meaning that a team's schedule should be taken into account when determining a ranking), or should it merely be a barometer of talent/hype/expectations?

It's risky enough to make a prediction on how good teams are right now, at the beginning of the season, when we haven't actually seen any of them play; trying to reach even further and predicting where they'll be at the end of the season seems, to me at least, like outright insanity. So I restricted my ballot to how good I think teams are right now, based on talent and coaching alone, without trying to take into account the millions of intangibles, potential upset/letdown situations, and other stuff that can affect a team's fortunes over the course of a four-month season. That's what I think a good poll should measure, and I definitely don't think it should be a preseason hype-barometer, since the outlets like ESPN and SI are already doing plenty of self-evident hyping. Two weeks before the start of the season, we're already being inundated by the usual boatloads of hype over Notre Dame, Auburn, and the like -- do we really need a poll telling us whom everyone's talking about?

3. What is your biggest stretch in your preseason ballot? That is to say, which team has the best chance of making you look like an idiot for overrating them?

Louisville at #8 is probably my biggest -- and given that the schedule they play is arguably a notch below what the elite squads from the other BCS conferences are up against, there's a chance that, even if Louisville goes buck wild this year, we'll never be able to determine whether they're really the eighth-best (or better) team in the country or just a pretty good team that fattened up on a bunch of weaklings. That said, though, if the Cards go 12-0 this season -- hardly outside the realm of possibility -- then I think there's a pretty airtight case to be made that whacking both Miami and WVU and never slipping up anywhere else are pretty good indicators of elite status.

Virginia Tech at #14 also makes me a little nervous, if only because I seem to be the only one who's high on them relative to FSU and Miami. But the more I hear about them, the more I like, and I think anyone who's automatically penciling the Hurricanes in as the Coastal Division champion in the ACC is making a grave mistake.


Frank Beamer can't get enough RAGEAHOL!

4. What do you see as the biggest flaw in the polling system (both wire service and blogpolling)? Is polling an integral part of the great game of college football, or is it an outdated system that needs to be replaced? If you say the latter, enlighten us with your new plan.

Well, to refer back to an earlier question, I think the biggest flaw is that, whether you're talking about sportswriter pollsters or coach pollsters or blogger pollsters, no two people have the same criteria for poll-worthiness when they're filling out their ballots -- you've got some people who are ranking the teams based on where they think they are at that precise moment, you've got some who are ranking them based on where they think they'll be at season's end, and others who might be ranking them relative to beginning-of-the-season expectations. Thing is, there's really no way to "correct" that -- you could issue a preseason edict to all your poll respondents saying, "Now, everyone make sure you ONLY rank the teams based on this and this and this," but that'd sound pretty stupid, and there wouldn't be any way of ensuring compliance in the first place.

So I think the current system of polling, while not perfect, is the best system we've got at the moment. As flawed or biased as human beings' judgment may be, I still prefer it overwhelmingly to computer polls; the idea that you can reduce something as complex and intangible-laden as college football down to mathematical formulas just seems really silly to me. If I had my way, I might at least experiment with the idea of waiting until four or five weeks into the season to start actually polling people, since by then voters would have a much greater pool of actual real-world knowledge about what they're judging; it might alleviate situations like we had in, say, 2004, where Auburn turned out to be one of the best teams in the country but was hamstrung all season long by a low-teens preseason ranking. Even without that change, though, I think the present polling apparatus is still the best idea anyone's come up with.

5. You're Scott Bakula, and you have the opportunity to "Quantum Leap" back in time and change any single moment in your team's history. It can be a play on the field, a hiring decision, or your school's founders deciding to build the campus in Northern Indiana, of all godforsaken places. What do you do?

Wow. I think this is one of the most intriguing questions anyone has ever asked in one of these roundtables. I guess I'd probably go down to Miami in June or July of 1944 and leave a big box of extra-strength condoms on the bedside table of the Rev. J. Graham Spurrier.

What? I can't use that? Not technically part of my own team's history? Screw you then.

I'm tempted to say I'd go back to New Year's Day 1983 and get someone to cover Penn State WR Greg Garrity better on his winning touchdown catch in the Sugar Bowl; had the Dawgs thus sealed their second undefeated, national-title-winning season in three years, that might've staved off the Dawg's slide from elite to merely-pretty-good status toward the end of Vince Dooley's reign. That still wouldn't have prevented us from hiring Ray Goff in '89, though, so here's what I'd do: I'd go back to January of 1989 and dump a boatload of money on the desk of the then-31-year-old Bill Cowher to become the Bulldogs' next head coach. I've already discussed in a previous roundtable why I think Cowher would be a monumentally badass coach for the Bulldogs, and if we'd somehow managed to keep him from trucking off to Kansas City to be the DC for the Chiefs in '89, who knows? Today he might be the 17-year veteran coach of the Georgia Bulldogs -- easily the longest-serving coach in the league, yet at only 49 years of age, still looking forward to many productive years ahead of him -- standing astride the world of college football like a colossus, with at least four or five SEC titles and probably a national title or two under his belt. Steve Spurrier would've still become the coach of the Gators and still done very well, but would've never been allowed to achieve the kind of soul-crushing dominance he did over the Dawgs. The '98 and '99 "losses" to Tech would've instead been guffaw-inducing Georgia blowouts. And you can be damn sure that jug-eared puke Tommy Tuberville wouldn't ever make any cracks about how Georgia "might want to run the ball more." Not unless he was itching for an unholy kneel-before-Zod beatdown from The Chin.


Not that Mark Richt isn't the Man, of course, but tell me this wouldn't have been sweet.

Friday Random Ten, back to double-digits edition.


Antarctica: the biggest party island of them all.

Life is back to normal in the Gillett household now that my air conditioning is finally fixed and indoor temperatures have dropped from 100-something to a nice, brisk 80 or so. But I'ma have icicles hanging off of this bitch by Sunday. You just watch.

1. Crowded House, "Together Alone"
2. Orbital, "Impact"
3. David Cross, "'You Go, Girl!'"
4. Pet Shop Boys, "How Can You Expect To Be Taken Seriously?" (Eclipse mix)
5. Orbital, "Acid Pants"
6. R.E.M., "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?"
7. Fugazi, "Walken's Syndrome"
8. Genesis, "Jesus He Knows Me"
9. Cake, "I Will Survive"
10. The Farm, "To the Ages"

There's good news all over the place, though: the Redskins are aiming for Clinton Portis to be back in action by the time the regular season starts; the Pet Shop Boys are releasing a live CD and a documentary DVD simultaneously in October; and a federal court ruled President Bush's warrantless domestic-surveillance program unconstitutional. Which, given the administration's track record in matters such as these, means that they will most likely respond by . . . well, changing absolutely nothing about what they're doing, but still, it's nice to know someone's holding them accountable.

Your good news and/or Random Ten in the comments.

Wednesday, August 16

The HJS Shut Up! This Could Totally Happen! 2006 SEC preview (part 2): How the West will be won.

Last week I did my first bit of actual football prognosticatin' with a preview of the Eastern Division of the SEC. This week it's the Western Division, where I suspect the horse race for first place will be even more tightly contested than in the East. As before, I'll begin with my pick for the division winner and work my way down, and no, my pick for the West champion isn't whom everybody else is picking . . .


Alley Broussard lays the smack down on an Auburn defender. Remember this image in a month or so.

1. LSU Tigers
Last year: 11-2 (7-2 SEC), capped off by a 40-3 red-assed beatdown of the Miami Hurricanes in the Peach Bowl

Yeah, you heard me: LSU, not Auburn, will be the team representing the Western Division in the Georgia Dome come December 2. As you'll read below, this selection may have a lot more to do with my doubts about Auburn than it does to do with confidence in LSU, but that doesn't mean there aren't a lot of reasons to be confident about the Bayou Bengals. On offense, the key is to establish JaMarcus Russell as the starter early so that he can build confidence coming back from last year's shoulder injury; if he does, he'll have an excellent receiving corps to throw to. RB Alley Broussard, too, is coming off an injury, one which caused him to miss all of last season, but I think he's better than people give him credit for. On defense, LSU has done their usual incredible job of recruiting top-notch talent, but are going to be forced to throw a lot of those guys in right away, particularly in the front seven; still, I'm always going to give the benefit of the doubt to a Bo Pelini defense. The secondary, at least, should be well-equipped to counter the passing threats of teams like Auburn and Tennessee.

I know I'm sticking my neck out to pick LSU, a team that definitely has its share of question marks, ahead of the team everyone else has picked to walk away with the SEC title and maybe more. But what can I say -- I just have this feeling that the LSU-Auburn game on September 16 may turn out to be a helluva surprise. No telling what happens after that, but . . . alls I'm saying is, don't overlook the Tigers who wear purple.

Absolute best-case scenario: 12-0, an SEC title, and a shot at the ADT Trophy.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: 6-6 and a short ride to Shreveport on Dec. 27.
My prediction: 11-1 and a horrifically vengeful rematch with Florida -- their one loss of the regular season -- in the SEC championship game.



"Keaton always said, 'I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him.' Well, I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Kenny Irons.

2. Auburn Tigers
Last year: 9-3 (7-1 SEC), followed by an inexplicable 24-10 humiliation at the hands of Wisconsin in the Capital One Bowl

Every poll I've seen has Auburn in the top 10, many in the top five (including mine); Phil Steele and Gold Sheet have them at #2. CFBNews.com has them going 11-1 in the regular season, winning the conference title, and playing in The Show. Stewart Mandel calls them a "title contender." So why are they sitting here staring up at LSU, a team I have ranked just below Auburn on my initial Top 25 ballot?

The expectations game. That's all I can say. Three years ago, everybody and their brother was talking about Auburn and their #1 ranking by The Sporting News, and the Tigers proceeded to fall flat on their faces right out of the starting gate as they limped to an 8-5 season. The year before, Auburn had been predicted to make a repeat appearance in the SEC title game but got embarrassed by Arkansas and got punked by an arguably inferior Florida squad and injury-rattled Georgia. Quite simply, this is a team that, when the expectations are high, finds ways to lose.

I know that sounds like an awfully vague, intangible criterion by which to doubt a team, and honestly, I sure can't doubt the Tigers based on talent: promising QB, a rampaging tailback, eye-popping speed on defense. And yet there are just enough potential weak points -- inexperience at receiver and safety, loss of an all-world leader on the offensive line -- that, in this season of major expectations, I can see Auburn getting tripped up just enough to miss out on a Brad-Pitt-in-Troy destiny-seizing moment and find themselves on the outside looking in when the SEC championship game is played.

Absolute best-case scenario: A second undefeated season in three years and the national title they didn't get in 2004.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: A very 2003-esque five losses and an invitation to a who-cares bowl.
My prediction: 11-1 and runner-up status in the SEC West, but -- with the loss to LSU having happened early in the season -- they get a Fiesta Bowl invite just the same.



How fast is Darren McFadden? He just came into your house, made himself a sandwich, made out with your wife, and left, and you never even saw him.

3. Arkansas Razorbacks
Last year: 4-7 (2-6 SEC), including a stunning upset at the hands of Vanderbilt and a 70-point donkeypunch by USC

Mitch Mustain is OMG teh hottest QB EVAR. Yeah, I heard you the first time. But Mustain alone won't be able to suddenly yank the Razorbacks out of four-win purgatory and back into conference contention. For that, they'll have to use the same game plan they've been relying on for what seems like eons now -- a killer running game and strong defense. The running game is definitely there, with nightmare-in-the-making Darren McFadden running behind an excellent fullback in Peyton Hillis. The defense will probably be there, too, with Sam Olajubutu leading a scary linebacking corps and a lot of promising, though raw, talent at most of the other positions.

Still, even though they're returning 19 starters, this strikes me as a somewhat inexperienced team in a lot of respects, even when you get past the quarterback situation. Enough that they're probably one year away from making a serious run at the SEC title -- but that doesn't mean that they can't ruin someone else's ride along the way, and I think they'll have the stones to pull one or two major upsets this year. Auburn plays Arkansas the week before they play Florida, while LSU travels to Little Rock the week before a possible return date in the Georgia Dome, and I'd be vary careful not to overlook the Hogs if I were a player on either of those teams.

Absolute best-case scenario: 10-2 in the regular season and a stunning march to the SEC title game.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: Mitch Mustain turns out to be Ron Powlus and the Hogs go 5-7.
My prediction: 8-4 and their first bowl invite in three years.



They call Alabama the Deacon Blues . . . no, wait, that's that guy in Steely Dan. These guys are the Crimson Tide.

4. Alabama Crimson Tide
Last year: 10-2 (6-2 SEC), capped off with a win over Texas Tech in the Cotton Bowl

I like Mike Shula. Like the fact that he's a Catholic, like his dad, like the fact that, after a bizarre sequence of events that brought him to Tuscaloosa, he's presided over four pretty much scandal-free years there. Like the fact that the look he wore last season was more steely Bob Stoops gaze than deer-in-the-headlights befuddlement. But if recent history tells us one thing, it's that Alabama has had trouble following up breakthrough seasons -- they haven't had back-to-back ten-win seasons since they won the '92 title under Stallings -- and Shula now has to basically rebuild last year's terrific defense and find someone to fill Brodie Croyle's shoes. The 2005 Tide, despite an offense that looked increasingly rickety as the season wore on, could count on the defense to reliably pull wins out of their asses at a moment's notice; they won't be able to do that this year.

But the offense, which returns nine starters from last year, might actually be better than it was a year ago, particularly if Tyrone Prothro can complete an amazing comeback from the vomit-inducing ankle snap he sustained against Florida. And even if the team itself still turns out to be not that good, well, they've scheduled enough laughable out-of-conference games (Feel the power of the Duke Blue Devils! Thrill to the high-flying escapades of Florida International!) that they should be able to snag a third straight bowl invite no problem. As it stands, Alabama seems to be in a murky clump of could-be-good, could-suck-ass mid-tier teams such as Arkansas, Tennessee, and Ole Miss, and their defense will have to learn the ropes pretty quickly to rise to the top of that group.

Absolute best-case scenario: A 10-2 season that ends with the gleeful stomping of Auburn's "fear the thumb" dreams, followed by a second straight January bowl.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: They get upset by Hawaii in their opener, and Tide Nation is calling for Shula's death by firing squad for the duration of a 5-7 season.
My prediction: 7-5 and they get to pick their postseason holiday destination -- Memphis, Nashville, or Shreveport. Lucky y'all!



The Orgeron ponders which member of the press he will ritualistically sacrifice in the Grove next.

5. Ole Miss Rebels
Last year: 3-8 (1-7 SEC), and Ed Orgeron shot the team's water boy at season's end, "just to watch him die"

I'm probably going to get a machete to the skull from The Big O himself for saying this, but I think Ole Miss is really going to regret -- if they haven't started already -- dumping David Cutcliffe, their most successful coach since maybe the John fricking Vaught era, for a guy who had never even been an offensive coordinator, much less a head coach. Orgeron may have maniacal motivational skills and a tasty spouse, but I have yet to see any indication that he's anything special as a head coach; Ole Miss's offense for the past two years has been downright cadaverous, and I wouldn't get my hopes up for a dramatic turnaround in 2006. A lot of people seem to think that a sea change is in order because the Orge managed to snag Brent Schaeffer, former co-QB for the Tennessee Volunteers -- but this is a guy who couldn't beat out Erik Ainge for a starting job, for Pete's sake, and even if he does turn out to be a playmaker he's not going to have too many guys to throw to.

Ironically, the defense -- never exactly a strength under Cutcliffe even when the rest of the team was going great guns -- should be the Rebels' strength this year behind superhero linebacker Patrick Willis. If Orgeron plays his cards right, that defense might be improved enough to seal the deal on the kind of close games that got away from them at the last minute in 2006 (Vandy, Alabama, etc.). A 4-0 start is a possibility thanks to a not-ridiculous-but-not-unbeatable OOC schedule that includes Memphis, Missouri, and Wake Forest, but I still have a hard time seeing this team as one that's going to make a lot of noise in SEC play this year.

Absolute best-case scenario: 9-3 and a New Year's Day bowl.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: They get a grand total of one win, and it's against D-IAA Northwestern State.
My prediction: An even 6-6, two, maybe three conference wins.



Anyone who'd volunteer for the responsibility of turning this team around (and spend a segment of his life in Starkville in the process) is a better man than I.

6. Mississippi State Bulldogs
Last season: 3-8 (1-7 SEC), but that one win came in the Egg Bowl, at least

Nobody in Starkville -- or Oxford, for that matter -- wants to hear this, but you could basically throw a blanket over Ole Miss and Mississippi State this year, the two teams are so similar. They've both got moribund offenses, led by QBs who are by no means worldbeaters; running games that seem likely to create the lion's share of whatever offensive production they get; and surprisingly strong defenses led by beastly middle linebackers. Because the talent levels of both teams still seems to be so iffy, I'm making the not-exactly-earth-shattering prediction that the two Mississippi teams will once again be locked in a race for the bottom of the SEC West.

While the on-paper talent level is not great, there is enough returning experience on the MSU squad that they could pull an upset or two. And whatever else you can say about him, Sylvester Croom has succeeded in the herculean task of completely making over this team psychologically, from a team that looked like a glorified Sun Belt squad in the last few years of Jackie Sherrill's tenure to a team that, while still struggling, at least isn't getting blown out by 52-0 margins anymore. The schedule, unfortunately, is not terribly friendly -- only Tulane and D-IAA Jacksonville State look like guaranteed wins, and since they don't get a shot at Vandy this year, they might have to win the season-ending Egg Bowl for a second straight year to avoid finishing with an empty W column in conference play. I think the Starkville Bulldogs are still a year away from seriously flirting with bowl eligibility, but I hope they give Croom long enough to find out.

Absolute best-case scenario: 5-7, with a bowl game a possibility right up until a November 18 loss to Arkansas.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: See Ole Miss (above), only replace "Northwestern" with "Jacksonville."
My prediction: 3-8, winless in the SEC.

Wednesday mystery meat.


Yeah, I know, I'm going to hell for this. Still, I've had a pretty good run.

· Here, from the New Yorker, precisely what Mel Gibson deserves.

· Here, George Will admits that, uh, well, remember all that crap during the '04 election about how John Kerry wanted to treat terrorism as a "law-enforcement problem" and not as, like, a military problem? Remember that? Well, uh, turns out Kerry might've been right.

· This response is why (well, one of the reasons why) John Rogers kicks ass . . . and, of course, this.

· Saturday night I was in Columbus with Baby Sis, luxuriating in my parents' beautiful centrally-air-conditioned home so that I didn't have to spend the entire weekend being steam-cooked in my own apartment, and we went to see "Clerks II." We were "joined," so to speak, by two women who brought their toddlers to the film, evidently because they thought that actually finding a babysitter would deprive their children of valuable education in the world of unnatural, and in some cases bestial, sex acts. I could go on with this rant but am unlikely to do any better than what my sister has done here.

· On an oddly similar note, The M Zone's Yost muses on the wonderfulness of Playboy's college-football preview issue. Hint: It involves naughty cartoons and "peek-a-boo panties."


Better not bring yo' kiiiids!

· Also courtesy of M Zone, here's one reason why you don't fuck with UGA students. Certainly not in line at McDonald's, in any case. (How the hell did I miss this story? It wasn't anywhere to be found in my last alumni magazine.)

Saturday, August 12

How do you solve a problem like Syria? (And Iraq? And Afghanistan? And . . . )



I've been reading Andrew Sullivan about ever since I seriously got into political blogging -- for about three years now, I guess -- and my opinion of him has changed numerous times during that period. Before the '04 election, his posting was about an equal 50-50 mix of genuine insight and boilerplate GOP-talking-point regurgitation; these days, as his eyes seem to have been fully opened to the true cravenness of the Bush administration's incompetence in everything from the Iraq war to the budgeting process at home, that mix has been dialed down to about 75-25 or so. Though more sensible now than he used to be, he'll still throw in a neocon-esque howler every once in a while -- but more so than ever, even when I disagree wholeheartedly with Sully, he still gives me something to think about.

This post of his from Friday is pretty much a microcosm of his current state -- at times infuriating, yes, but overall thought-provoking. In responding to an e-mail that proposes a potential Democratic strategy on the overall situation in the Middle East -- something that Sullivan has chided them incessantly for lacking, sometimes with good reason, sometimes in the service of mere pettiness -- Sullivan made me, by turns, hopeful . . .

The Iraq fiasco has shown the enormous difficulty of using blunt force to create an organic democratic change in a few years. But the future is not written yet -- and the Scowcroftian policies of propping up fast-failing dictatorships (a policy that gave us the first Islamist government in Iran) was clearly insufficient after 9/11. So call me a chastened neocon, if you must: appalled by the execution, humbled by the unintended consequences, but still unable to surrender the belief that more democracy and liberal institutions in the Middle East is the only long-term solution.

What does this mean in practice? Redeployment within Iraq to regions where we truly can encourage democracy and prosperity, like Kurdistan. More "soft" support for democratic movements in the Muslim world -- the kind of backing we gave Eastern European dissidents in the Cold War -- is essential, if done subtly enough not to prompt backlash. Encouraging the entrepreneurial Gulf states to grow in wealth and influence cannot hurt; a serious non-carbon energy policy at home is part of the mix as well. . . .


. . . and pissed-off:

If the Democrats could present a multi-faceted, hard-nosed approach to winning the war, a lot of us in the middle would give them a second look. But so far, not so good. I'm waiting for a leading Democratic nominee to pill a Sistah Souljah on the anti-war left, to call them on their irresponsibility and narcissism.


I don't get where Sullivan gets "narcissism" from; I'm a little more inclined to admit to his charge of "irresponsibility," though with the caveat that if being deemed "responsible" on national security requires assenting to every cockamamie invasion plan that comes down the neoconservative pike, I'll take "irresponsible," thank you very much. There seems to be a prevailing opinion amongst the self-proclaimed Those Who Know Better in Washington that "seriousness" on national security requires one to get behind every single war the neocons propose, no matter how short-sighted or spectacularly ill-thought-out. You could see it in the comments left at this thread (and, to a lesser extent, this one), in which I got called a "pussy," amongst various other things, simply for thinking that a wholesale Israeli attack on Lebanon, or a massive U.S. invasion of Iran, might not actually be such a great idea. My conservative critics, from what I could see, gave no thought to whether the Israeli attack on Lebanon might not actually be accomplishing anything, or to the potential consequences of an invasion of Iran; I was opposing a war, period, that's it, so that automatically makes me a lily-livered, tie-dye-wearing, terrorist-appeasing, Lieberman-purging pussy.

Those commenters may not realize it, Andrew Sullivan may only now be noticing it, but I think the American people -- if current polls are any indication -- have started coming around to it: War is not the automatic solution to everything, not even the wide-ranging problem of what to do about the Middle East. More to the point, war isn't even the solution to the problem of how to inspire democracy in the Middle East, because democracy at the point of a gun -- as we've seen in Iraq -- is, for the most part, really no democracy at all.

Furthermore, and I know I'm going to take a lot of crap for this, I just don't think it's the job of the United States to be the Great Democratizer and go around installing democracies in every country in the world that doesn't have one. Installing a new democracy is kind of like God giving Adam free will: It's great for people to have choice, but when you give them that, you have to account for the chance that they're going to choose something terrible. Look at Palestine and Iran: Those two countries are about as democratic as it gets in the Middle East -- certainly more so than the regime we just toppled in Iraq, or than so-called allies such as Saudi Arabia and Egypt, for that matter -- but in their most recent free elections, they chose, respectively, the Hamas party (basically a terrorist group) and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (nuclear ambitions and rhetoric on Jews basically indistinguishable from Hitler's). Do we really want to spend thousands of American lives and billions of American dollars on giving nutjobs like these a chance to flourish? Democracy is a wonderful thing, and I'll champion it every chance I get, but it's also something to be considered very carefully, and I don't think it makes me or any other Democrat "irresponsible" or "narcissistic" to say so. Andrew Sullivan may think that not wanting to wave my magic democracy wand and immediately bestow democratic governments on every single country in the Muslim world means I lack "vision," but eventually he and other right-leaners are going to have to face the put up/shut up dilemma and decide exactly how they want all this wonderful democracy to be executed. Until then, I'll take no more where-are-your-solutions crap from them, thanks.

Basically it seems to me that the overall, writ-large War on Terror, Middle East Situation, or whatever you want to call it boils down to three areas. There are the very focused, specific problems of countries where we're already hip-deep militarily, i.e. Afghanistan and Iraq; the somewhat larger issues of countries like Iran which we haven't directly engaged yet, but where a threat is definitely presented; and the still larger, civilization-affecting issues of how the Muslim world and the Western world relate to each other going forward. For lack of a better way to describe these, I'll use modifiers used by economists and physicians and call them Micro, Mini, and Macro -- and make no mistake, I'm using them to refer to their scope relative to one another, certainly not their severity or urgency. Sullivan wants a Democratic solution, here's my best stab at it:



The Micro-Problem(s): Iraq and Afghanistan. These are the two countries where we've gotten directly involved in a military sense to try to start up some kind of sustainable democracy. In one of them the situation, as I've said, has degenerated into near-hopelessness; in the other, we've still got the chance to accomplish something. First of all, I want to confess that that linked post, about "losing hope" in Iraq, was written in a very emotional moment and probably overstated the case more than it should have, and to that extent I apologize. I don't want to yank every last American soldier out of Iraq and leave the country to rot for all eternity, but my main point is that things are never going to improve there unless the Bush administration concedes that things are in dire straits there and commits to solving that problem -- which, given their track record, will probably happen about the Twelfth of Never. I don't know that I can offer anything truly helpful on Iraq, but I'm open to the idea of redeploying troops into Kurdistan and focusing their reconstruction and democratization efforts in a region where they might actually do some good. I hate to even utter this out loud, and I don't even know whether I fully believe it, but it's possible that a Shiite-Sunni civil war is simply something the rest of Iraq simply has to get out of its system before a more wide-ranging democratization effort can be undertaken. By no definition is that a good thing, but we may have so badly bungled the Iraq war by now that we just have to accept it. We may have to simply do what we can in the Kurdish areas and keep a contingent of troops around just to keep a civil war in the rest of Iraq from spilling over into a wider area.

Meanwhile, there is a country where all hope is not lost, and that's Afghanistan. But we're going to have to start paying a lot more attention to this forgotten war if we want that to happen. Part of what made me so furious about the Iraq war is that we basically used it as an excuse to treat Afghanistan as the forgotten red-headed stepchild of our foreign policy, and sure enough, nearly five years after the initial invasion Afghanistan is a place where the citizens still aren't truly safe, the infrastructure is decrepit, and the Taliban has been doing its level best to bounce back. If we really want to see stable, prosperous democracies emerge in the Middle East, Afghanistan has to be one of them, and that means upping U.S. troop levels there to squash the Taliban resurgence and speed up the rebuilding of the country. We're also going to have to be prepared to spend a lot more money on that country to make sure that the people actually have electricity and running water, and it might be nice to expend some effort on clearing it of its debilitating concentration of land mines.

Right now Afghanistan is still our best hope for creating what the Bush administration claims to want -- i.e. a reborn democracy that will serve as a model example to the rest of the Muslim world. But it's not going to happen unless we start investing more sweat and dollars into it. If the last three years are any indication, the Bush administration doesn't seem to be interested in this; the Democrats are going to have to be the influence that forces him to start taking an interest again.



The Mini-Problem(s): Israel vs. Hezbollah, and Iran vs. Everybody. These are the conflicts in which the U.S. has not gotten directly, militarily involved but could still have wide-ranging effects on the entire Middle East; for that reason, they may not have the immediacy (at least for us) that Iraq and Afghanistan do, but we're still going to have to formulate some kind of strategy. In the short term, there has to be a cease-fire in Lebanon -- which both the Israeli people and the Lebanese people seem to want -- and after that, the United States needs to take the lead in strengthening the Lebanese government and military so that they can root out the Hezbollah element and become independent of them in the same way that they declared independence from Syrian influence a year and a half ago. As I've said before, the Lebanese people's repudiation of Syrian control instantly made them another golden opportunity for the kind of model democratization we've been praying for in Iraq and Afghanistan, but that'll never come to anything if Israel manages to reduce the entire country to rubble in its justified, but not terribly well-thought-out, hunt for Hezbollah. In many ways, the Lebanon situation is analogous to that of Afghanistan: You've got a country where instability has allowed the rise of a movement (the Taliban/Hezbollah) that has provided some benefits to the people (law and order, for instance) but overall has been a hugely detrimental presence and one that the country's people would just as soon be rid of. Rather than an adversary, Lebanon is a golden opportunity to make another ally. Unfortunately, they're still not strong enough on their own to get rid of Hezbollah themselves, so the U.S. and Israel are going to have to join together to help rebuild the country, provide advice and resources to guide the government to self-sufficiency, and grow the Lebanese military into a force capable of defending the country on its own. These measures alone won't destroy Hezbollah, of course, but if Hezbollah can be marginalized within the Lebanese borders, it'll still make it that much harder for them to threaten Israel.

As for Iran . . . well, I'm still not sure what to do about them. If we're already hip-deep in Iraq and Afghanistan, trying to mount a third simultaneous military operation is out of the question, at least for now. This won't make the kill-'em-all-let-God-sort-'em-out Gen. Jack D. Rippers in the radical-neocon camp happy, but I think at this point all we can feasibly do is continue negotiation efforts, continue to monitor Iran's activities through IAEA inspections, and in the meantime do what we can to support the liberalization movement that was actually making some pretty inspiring progress until Bush decided to throw the Iranian people under the bus with the rest of the "Axis of Evil" back in 2002. I won't even go so far as to say that military can never be an option regarding Iran, but only a fool would think it's something we can undertake with operations already going on in Iraq and Afghanistan, and given my natural caution about war-starting in the wake of the Iraq fiasco, I don't think I could conscion a full-scale invasion until the threat becomes at least somewhat more imminent than it is now. If that makes me an anti-war, Chamberlain-loving "pussy," so be it . . . but howsabout you tell me how you plan on invading Iraq without starting World War III (or IV, or whichever one we're on at this point).



The Macro-Problem: Islam, the West, and how we all can just get along. Obviously, this is an even thornier and more complicated issue than either of the other two, and the whole thing pretty much revolves around the issue of Israel v. Palestine. All parties involved seem to have recognized the inevitability of a Palestinian state, which is a start, but I think that Israel is going to have to allow eastern Jerusalem to be the Palestinian capital if there's ever going to be any kind of peaceful coexistence betwen Israel and Palestine. They can build a massive Berlin Wall-type structure down the dividing line and fortify it with a hundred thousand IDF troops if they have to, but that's what's going to need to happen. And before anyone jumps on me about wanting Israel to "give up" even more territory than it already has, keep in mind that even the United States doesn't recognize West Jerusalem as the Israeli capital. There may also have to be some kind of black-and-white reckoning between Israel and Palestine on the questions of Israeli settlements and Palestinian refugees' right of return, which, to my mind at least, seem linked: If Israelis still have free reign to settle in the occupied (or even once-occupied) territories, is it really fair to bar Palestinian refugees from reclaiming land they once owned that is now part of Israel? Or, to turn the question back on the Muslims, how can you demand a Palestinian-only Palestine if you won't allow an Israeli-only Israel?

Granted, that kind of simple logic rarely factors into a conflict that's gotten as violent and emotional as this one, but the U.S. is still going to have to be willing to mediate those kinds of disputes, and they're going to have to be willing to do so from a position that is as objective as possible. I know this is going to get me branded as anti-Israel, a terrorist-lover, or worse, but the United States has to stop approaching every aspect of the Israel-Palestine conflict with the attitude that the Palestinians are wrong and Israel is 100% right. I can't help but think it's that kind of de facto bias that drives otherwise rational Palestinians into the arms of radicals like Hamas (and if you're going to leave some nasty comment on here about how there's no such thing as a rational Palestinian, go away and leave your comment at Little Green Footballs or something; this is clearly not the blog for you).

That brings me to a larger point, which is that America as a whole is going to have to get over the idea that the entire Muslim world is a crazed, bloodthirsty society cravenly seeking the destruction of non-Muslim innocents wherever they reside. Yes, there are a lot of Muslims who do seek that, but to believe that every single Muslim in the world feels that way is to resign our society to a global, inescapable holy war against the entire Muslim world. I know there are some radical nut jobs in this country who are spoiling for that; I'm not one of them. I believe some kind of peaceful coexistence can be struck between the West and Islam, and has to be, or else we've basically consigned ourselves to a new Crusade that will, unless anyone has a better idea, rage for all eternity.

Andrew Sullivan is, to some extent, correct when he says that the Muslim world as a whole has not done a good enough job of shouting down the freak shows like al-Qaeda who think that the wanton slaughter of innocents is a legitimate tactic, but that doesn't mean all Muslims feel that way. Has anyone noticed, for instance, that the tip that helped expose the recent airliner-bombing plot in the UK came from Britain's own Muslim community? Clearly, there are Muslims in the world who are just as repulsed by al-Qaeda's tactics as we are, and there's no point in antagonizing those people or acting like we see them as terrorists themselves. Instead, they need to be cultivated and given the opportunity to become full partners in our society, and thus full partners in the effort to rid the world of terror.

On a similar note, whenever we mount any kind of operation -- military, humanitarian, or a little of both -- in the Mideast, we need to have a very clear idea which parts of the operation are terrorist-killing and which parts are democracy-building, because those two tasks use a pretty divergent set of tactics. I know I've harped on this at length, but I'm going to keep harping on it until it sinks in: The strength and coherence of our operation in Iraq has been consistently hurt by our inability to decide whether we're there to bring democracy to the poor benighted Iraqis, or whether we're just there to kill as many of them as possible. These sorts of dilemmas should sort of clue you in as to why democracy can't be bestowed at the point of a gun, but be that as it may, if we're going to declare as a country that bringing democracy to Muslims is a worthwhile effort, then we're going to have to concede that maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't go around jonesing for the fiery death of every Muslim we see. George W. Bush, for all his carelessness, truly seems to understand this; I only wish the same could be said for some of his acolytes -- and I'm not just talking about psychopaths like Ann Coulter, I'm talking about people in our own Congress.

Then, of course, there are the other things we need to do to separate ourselves from the old way of thinking vis-a-vis the Middle East, number one among them being an honest effort to end our dependence on foreign oil (actually, ending our dependence on oil period wouldn't be such a bad thing to shoot for, either). This is going to require a gigantic level of sacrifice on the part of the American people -- a level of sacrifice that both the ruling Republican party and most of the Democrats in Washington have been either too lazy or too chicken to ask for -- but it's not like America has been asked to sacrifice much of anything else over the past few years. Hell, we've invaded two entire countries and appear to be giving serious thought to invading a third, and not only are we not forcing Paris Hilton to give any of her tax cuts back, we're trying to figure out how we can give her more.

And on a completely separate track, we need to get real and start spending some serious time and money making our own country more secure, from our airports to our seaports to our borders. The whole "We're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here" has been a real cute, glib way for our present administration to convince the public that the Iraq war is still worthwhile, but eventually we're going to have to wise up and consign that line to the ash heap of history along with "no new taxes" and "I did not have sex with that woman," because as long as we have to take off our shoes or dump all our liquid cosmetics before we get on a freaking flight to Cleveland, we are fighting them over here in our own way. And we're going to have to start doing a much better job of it, too, because there's still very little keeping a particularly ambitious al-Qaeda operative from smuggling a backpack nuke into Baltimore aboard one of those container ships we're still not willing to spend the money to inspect.



So anyway, that's my plan, or at least my first attempt at one. It's certainly not perfect, it's not yet as fleshed out as I'd like it to be, and it's damned sure going to be expensive -- but if you can figure out how to win wars and protect our country without dropping some pretty major money, I'd sure like to find out how. Actually, that reminds me of another thing we as a country need to do -- while we're throwing stuff on the ash heap of history, we need to toss Donald Rumsfeld's "revolution in military affairs" on there with them, specifically the part that insists we can fight wars leaner and meaner with fewer actual soldiers. Again, if we want to not just toss out "evil" regimes but also rebuild their countries afterward, then we're going to need a whole lot of manpower to do that, and I hope the Iraq war has taught us that no matter how powerful the U.S. military appears to be, there's no such thing as a quick-'n'-easy invasion.

This is something I'm going to continue to think about and refine over the next few weeks and months, so don't think it's a final draft of anything. But whatever I come up with later on, two main ideas are going to remain constant: One, we need to be realistic about the fact that the entire Muslim world can't be rebuilt and reformed all at once, and two, war, no matter how necessary it may look, isn't automatically the answer to a given problem.

At any rate, I hope this will keep people like Andrew Sullivan from thinking that all lefties are being "irresponsible" and "narcissistic" about the issues at hand. Incidentally, had Sully bothered to look beyond his own apparently ingrained (and robustly mainstream-media-reinforced) preconceptions about Democrats being unserious about security, he might have noticed that the Dems are trying to come up with just such a plan. As Kevin Drum notes in the link, there's a whole lot about their "Real Security" plan that's amateurish and facile, but at the very least it gives the lie to the idea that the Democrats are simply trying to ignore the global security issue at all costs -- and it's certainly more of an actual, coherent plan than anything the Republicans have come up with, which seems to be nothing more than the three meaningless words "stay the course."

So. These are my ideas. What are yours?

Friday, August 11

Friday Not-So-Random Ten, Surface of the Sun Edition.



If I seem like I've been in a little bit of a pissy mood lately, it's because -- in what is evidently becoming an annual event in my household -- my air-conditioning window unit gave out at some point in the middle of the day Tuesday. So in the middle of the summer in Birmingham, Alabama -- one of the hottest summers on record, no less, in which the heat index has been well into the triple digits all week -- I get to sit around in a sweat lodge waiting to see if a repairman is ever going to grace me with his presence. For that reason, this week's Friday Random Ten is dedicated to the sensation of sitting in a third-floor apartment full of 100-degree stagnant air, marinating in one's own sweat.

1. Bananarama, "Cruel Summer"
2. Cex, "It's Not Working"
3. DT8 Project, "The Sun Is Shining (Down On Me)"
4. Jamiroquai, "Canned Heat"
5. Pet Shop Boys, "What Have I Done to Deserve This?"
6. C+C Music Factory, "Gonna Make You Sweat"
7. Fugazi, "Burning"
8. Johnny Cash, "Ring of Fire"
9. Modern English, "Melt With You"
10. Chemical Brothers, "Leave Home"

And a bonus 11th:

11. Dead Kennedys, "Let's Lynch the Landlord"

Still, there are some reasons to smile, including DeepSouthSports' rundown of the hottest SEC coaching wives (and yes, I'm almost positive Katharyn Richt drives either a Yukon XL or a Suburban) and What's the Good Word's version of a Chan Gailey appearance on "Inside the Actor's Studio" that should make Tech fans happy. In the process, WTGW's Dan manages to coin an exciting new term, "taint-worshipping ass snackery of the highest magnitude," which can be defined as "the only level of fawning adulation directed toward one's coach and/or program that most college football fans will be satisfied with."

Your own Random Tens and/or offers to donate new air-conditioner units in the comments.

Thursday, August 10

The Thursday Not-So-Random 25.

Today I put the finishing touches on my first ballot for the BlogPoll, and as per the BlogPoll rules I'll be putting these up each week so that my ignorance and/or hubris can be viewed that much more plainly and ridiculed more directly. As the BlogPoll rules dictate, these rankings are not meant to predict where I think these teams will end up at the close of the season, just how good I think they are now. Obviously, I'll be rooting against many of these teams regardless, but anyway, here's the list:

1. Ohio State
I'm not 100% confident about having the Buckeyes up here, and in fact I probably would've put Oklahoma in the top spot before Rhett Bomar got himself booted off the team. But somebody's gotta go in the top spot, and based on what I've seen from Jim Tressel's defenses in the past, I've got a sinking feeling that returning only two starters on defense isn't going to hurt the Buckeyes nearly as badly as a lot of people are hoping.

2. Texas
Kinda iffy on this one, too, since there's no way losing Vince Young isn't going to cause at least a few Saturdays' worth of Excedrin headaches, but aside from that I just don't see where the Longhorns have a lot of weaknesses, and their coaching staff is well poised to make the most of all the talent they've got. The defense alone puts them in the top 10.

3. Auburn
Auburn looks incredibly dangerous this year, and down here in Alabama there are already scores of Tiger fans penciling AU in for an undefeated season and a national-title shot. Yeah, remember what happened the last time y'all did that? High expectations have never been the Tigers' friend, and I don't expect them to be this year.

4. LSU
Let me go on record right now as saying it would not be the least bit surprising to me if LSU punked Auburn again and ended up going to the SEC title game. If JaMarcus Russell and Alley Broussard prove to have made a strong recovery from their injuries, they could be a serious dark-horse contender.

5. Notre Dame
ESPN is already furiously pumping out propaganda to convince us that this is the new OMG WTF Hottest Team EVAR, but . . . well, I'm not buying it until the Irish's secondary steps up. Still, I'm betting they win enough games to snag another BCS berth, even if it means muscling some quite-possibly-more-qualified-but-less-nationally-marketable team like Iowa or Auburn out of the way in the process.

6. Southern California
I'm ready for USC to have a 7-5 season and fall off the map. Really, really ready. But under Pete Carroll I just don't see it happening, unless the Big One hits and Los Angeles floats off into the ocean or Carroll converts to Scientology and brings Tom Cruise in to give the team pregame pep talks about Xenu and the need to cleanse themselves of Thetans.

7. Iowa
The first real surprise of the bunch, but I just got a feeling about these guys. Plenty of returning talent, lots of good guys at the skill positions, and it doesn't seem like anybody has been talking about them yet.

8. Louisville
Their offense is plain ridonkulous, they only lost five starters from a team that went 9-3 last year, and I'm guessing their coach isn't going to be distracted by job offers from Auburn this season (though they might come from elsewhere). I would be only slightly shocked to see them beat Miami and West Virginia (both of whom they get at home) and end up 12-0.

9. West Virginia
Yes, as the fan of a team that got the mother of all surprise beatdowns from WVU in the Sugar Bowl last season, I probably ought to show the 'Eers a little more respect, but I've got sincere doubts about their ability to deal with suddenly astronomical expectations, and I'm not the only one. They're going to have a much harder time sneaking up on people this year, especially if they don't discover the forward pass sometime soon.

10. Florida
As explained earlier, this is predicated entirely upon whether the team starts to figure out Urban Meyer's offense and whether the O-line starts to gel. I think they'll take another step toward getting there, but still not quite enough to be considered real national-title contenders.

11. Miami
To my mind, the most unpredictable team on the list other than perhaps Tennessee. They could run the table and play for the national title; they could go 7-5 and play in the Champs Sports Bowl. They've got all the talent in the world and a murderous defense, but at the same time, a 40-3 dismembering in the Peach Bowl and an assistant-coach housecleaning to close out one season does not generally bode well for the following one.

12. California
If anybody can knock off USC this year, it's clearly the Bears, but they better have their QB situation completely sorted out by then. Actually, they better have it sorted out the minute they take the field, what with their first game being in Knoxville and all. But if they can manage that, it doesn't require too much suspension of disbelief to envision them hoisting the Pac-10 championship trophy this year.

13. Michigan
Another one of those terrific-on-paper teams whose outlook is smudged by some unsettling intangibles -- namely, that they've found a way to knock themselves out of the national-title race by the end of September in each of the last five seasons. As good as they should be this season, they still might be only the third-best team in the conference.

14. Virginia Tech
I have a bajillion relatives who went to Tech, and I owe all of them an apology, because I completely left the Hokies off the first draft of my ballot. I have a feeling I'm not the only one, since embarrassing controversies like Marcus Vick's have a way of overshadowing everything else. Yet forget about the Vick headlines for a minute, and what have you got? A team that may be fairly vanilla on offense (with the possible exception of the running game) but will still be superb on defense and special teams. That sounds kinda like every team VT has had since the first Vick left Blacksburg, and they seem to have done just fine.

15. Georgia
I think this is pretty safe for a team that has some major re-jiggering to do in the passing game but is very solid everywhere else. I just hope Mark Richt doesn't fall into the trap of pulling the same kind of constant QB-switching that killed Tennessee last year.

16. Florida State
Yeah, still not sold on these guys. Drew Weatherford is good, but not so good that Jeff Bowden can't find a way to completely screw things up, and the defense got pillaged by the NFL draft, particularly in the secondary. I'll pencil them back into the ACC title game because I'm just not confident in the ability of any of their division rivals to knock them out, but I'll bet they're not in the top 10 come December 2.

17. Oklahoma
Like I said earlier, I had these guys at #1 before Rhett Bomar decided to mount a candidacy for the 2006 Maurice Clarett Award for Potentially Superstardom-Ruining Stupidity, and while I wondered if 16 spots wasn't too big of a penalty for them, their offense is definitely going to require some retooling. And it won't matter how good Adrian Peterson is if the new QB, whoever he ends up being, doesn't give opposing defenses something to respect.

18. Texas Tech
Mike Leach could put me in at quarterback and he'd probably find a way to get me to throw for 5,000 yards. He can worry about defense some other time.

19. Tennessee
Except for maybe Miami, probably the hardest team to peg in the entire list. There's a chance that David Cutcliffe's return could immediately give the Vols a surge of confidence and leadership that sends them to 11-1 and an SEC title; however, there's probably an equal chance that the program has hit a trough and, even with Cutcliffe, can only muster six or seven wins this year. I'll split the difference and say they win eight or nine. Cutcliffe is definitely an improvement over Randy Sanders, but one man isn't enough to instigate a wholesale championship-winning turnaround, and the Volunteers' problems are not limited to the QB position.

20. Utah
A potential BCS sleeper, again, though I've got to be careful not to put too much stock in their Emerald Bowl blowout against a team that had clearly given up before opening kickoff. Still, it's kind of interesting how everyone decided to completely forget about these guys the minute Urban Meyer's moving van left for Gainesville.

21. Boise State
A proven offense and tons of returning talent across the board -- the only question is whether new coach Chris Peterson can engineer a smooth transition from the Dan Hawkins era, but as Hawkins himself proved, dropping a new coach into this system is hardly a death sentence for the Broncos. Probably the second-biggest threat to crash the BCS after Utah, which should make their face-off on September 30 one of the best (and probably most underrated) of the year.

22. Boston College
Don't they always seem to end up ranked somewhere in this region? They've always got way more talent than you think but never quite enough to knock off the perennial conference powerhouses, and I see that as pretty much being the case this year.

23. Oregon
Losing Kellen Clemens hurts, but the guys backing him up on the depth chart weren't exactly total novices, and at the very least they'll have a terrific offensive line to work behind.

24. Clemson
Everyone's pegging this as the year the Tigers finally break through and displace FSU atop the division, but how are they going to do that with an almost-brand-new quarterback? I'm also still not completely sold on Tommy Bowden, even though I like the guy, as a coaching genius.

25. Texas Christian
For some reason I don't see them as being nearly the BCS-crashing threat that Utah is, but they're easily the biggest threat to Utah's march for the Mountain West title. After a couple very shaky years, the Horned Frogs' defense seems to be getting back to what we typically expect from them.

And five in the "Honorable Mention" category, teams that I may later regret not having included in my official top 25 ballot:

Arizona State
Kind of in the Michigan mode of the team that looks great on paper but always finds a way to blow it early. Their offense should be tremendous this year, but I see them getting caught in a whole bunch of shootouts, which of course would be such a shock coming from the Pac-10.

Nebraska
Lots of people took last year's Alamo Bowl upset as a sign that things were finally turning around for the Huskers, but I'm gonna need to see more than one last-minute pulled-out-of-one's-ass win to convince me that Bill Callahan is fully on top of things in Lincoln. There's no reason for Nebraska not to win the Big 12 North this year; if Callahan can't manage that, it might be time to start asking some serious questions.

South Carolina
OK, I know I said these guys are still a year or two away from being true conference contenders, but even last year they were dispensing with the likes of Tennessee and Florida, and with Spurrier at the helm I could see similar things happening this year.

Georgia Tech
On paper, this is the best team they've fielded since Chan Gailey became the head coach, but . . . so what? Yes, Calvin Johnson is a freak of nature, but this offense is never going to be anything more than satisfactory as long as Reggie Ball is running the show. And it's been a hallmark of Gailey's tenure that no matter how many big upsets they notch during the season, they'll still find a way to lose to enough eminently beatable opponents to remain stuck at 7-5. No reason to think that won't be the case this year.

Penn State
Hard to say where the Nittany Lions are going to end up now that Michael Robinson's gone, and I'm not entirely confident that it's not going to be a repeat of 2003, when they lost Larry Johnson to the NFL draft and everything went conspicuously downhill. I foresee another strong defense but some real struggles by the offense until the O-line really starts to gel.

Tuesday, August 8

The precise moment at which I lost hope.


A picture I took at the last big anti-war protest in Washington before the war started.

Those who know me well know that my train of thought on the Iraq War has taken some detours and passed through a few unexpected stations over the past three and a half years. Before the war started, I was adamantly against it, and even went so far as to wake up at midnight on March 15, 2003, so that I could drive 11 hours up to Washington, D.C., and participate in one of the biggest anti-war protests in the country. Once the war did start, as upset as I was over the whole thing, I did my level best to shut up about the issue of whether we should've gone to war or not -- which was by then moot -- and supported the troops as best I could. You will note, of course, that this didn't mean I shut up about the shocking incompetence with which the Bush administration planned and directed said war, but you'll also note I was never one of those people who campaigned to immediately yank the troops out of Iraq and bring them back home. I felt that, however misguided the decision had been to send them to Iraq in the first place, they now had a job to do, and it would be unfair to the Iraqis to pull them out before that job was done. On one occasion I actually turned down an invitation by a local progressive organizer to speak at an anti-war rally, because I didn't feel that I agreed completely with their bring-the-troops-home-now message.

As bad as things continued to get in Iraq, I stuck to that belief that things could get better and that we needed to keep our troops there to finish the job, but over the last few weeks that belief was progressively weakened by both the dramatically bad turn of events in Iraq and the destabilization in Lebanon. And then, on Monday, August 7, 2006, at 11:48:51 a.m. Central Daylight Time, I read this . . .

My attitude is that a young democracy has been born quite quickly. And I think the Iraqi government has shown remarkable progress on the political front. And that is is that they developed a modern constitution that was ratified by the people and then 12 million people voted for a government.

Which gives me confidence about the future in Iraq, by the way. You know, I hear people say, Well, civil war this, civil war that. The Iraqi people decided against civil war when they went to the ballot box.


. . . and I officially lost all remaining hope.

Gather up the troops, bring them home this very second, don't make them spend another day in Iraq, because we. Are. Fucked.


According to George W. Bush, this never actually happened. Somebody better tell Ken Burns.

I really don't have anything I can add to Attaturk's very perceptive assessment that America's own history disproves the notion that elections alone are an ironclad defense against civil war. If you've ever taken an American history class at any point in your life, you already knew that. I won't even ask how stupid someone would have to be to utter Bush's statement in public, since I know that even most Republicans, all but the most delusional, Kool-Aid-soaked among them, would have to answer "pretty stupid, actually." Instead, I merely want to ask:

If the current Commander-in-Chief of our armed forces is this disconnected with reality -- not just reality as it pertains to the situation on the ground in Iraq, but reality as it pertains to the whole of human history -- then what purpose can possibly be served by forcing our soldiers to carry out this mission for one more day under the crushing burden of this administration's incompetence?

As long as Bush is in office, things are not going to get any better in Iraq. Things are not going to get any better in Iraq because to commit to making things better, you first must at least tacitly admit things are bad, and that is something this president just isn't capable of doing. He knows his legacy is predicated upon things turning out great in Iraq, and since what he's doing now is not appreciably different from anything he's been doing the last three and a half years, to admit "Yeah, things are kind of screwed up right now" would be to concede that they've been screwing this particular pooch from the get-go. Bush is going to keep doing what he's always been doing and is going to get, as the saying goes, what he's always got; this is something to which I am not prepared to subject our troops for another two years (or longer).

The obvious rejoinder to this is, "But you said if we pulled out the troops too soon, it would allow the country to devolve into a lawless, terrorist-infested shithole." Wake up -- Iraq is a lawless, terrorist-infested shithole. And if it's going to be a lawless, terrorist-infested shithole whether our troops are there or not, and the few Iraqis who still care whether our troops are there don't seem to want them there at all, why continue leaving them in harm's way? With each soldier who dies, conditions will be almost exactly the same after that soldier's death as they were before -- which is to say, terrible -- so what right have we to keep them there? Who volunteers to be the person who goes to all these dead soldiers' families and tells them, "We regret to inform you your son/daughter/husband/wife/fiancee is dead, but look on the bright side, at least their death didn't change anything"?

Before, I thought there were three choices: a) Keep the troops in and somehow turn Iraq into a stable, America-friendly democracy; b) Keep the troops in and allow them to continue to get screwed over by the Bush administration's bungling; c) Yank 'em right out, and I chose a). Well, I'm sorry to say that it looks like a) has been taken off the table, and it's lesser-of-two-evils time. Well, I choose c). Think I'm "cutting and running"? Offer me a better choice then.


How much more of this?

Pull the troops out. Pull them back to Kurdistan if you want, where conditions are such that they might actually be able to accomplish something. Put some in Kurdistan and send the rest to Afghanistan, which by all accounts is still salvageable. Send some of 'em to rebuild stuff in New Orleans. But they don't need to spend another day in Iraq. Every day they don't come home just increases the chance that this arrogant, witless bunch in Washington is going to succeed in passing the tough decisions on to the next administration, be it Wes Clark's, Al Gore's, John McCain's, or, so help me, Bill f'ing Frist's.

We've already seen 2,591 soldiers die in this war. At that rate, by the time Bush's presidency ends, 1,976 more will have gone off to their eternal reward. Are you prepared to sacrifice nearly 2,000 more lives just so that Bush can tell himself, when he finally leaves the White House for good, "Least I didn't cut and run"?

I'm not. It's time to bring the troops home.

Monday, August 7

The HJS Shut Up! This Could Totally Happen! 2006 SEC preview (part 1): Soon-to-be-foolish-looking predictions for the only conference that matters.

Like the humble groundhog tentatively poking his head out of the ground after three long months of desolate winter, preseason football magazines and even a few of the blogs are emerging from the spring/summer football dead period to cautiously tender their predictions for the upcoming season. Since the worst that could happen as a result of throwing up similar predictions is a torrent of "Ha ha, you suck!!1!!1!one" comments from readers, which I'm pretty much used to anyway, I figured I'd put up some predictions of my own. Keeping in mind these are just semi-educated guesses I'll probably be doing my darndest to weasel out of in a few months anyway, we begin with the Eastern Division of the SEC, naturally the one nearest and dearest to my heart, going from the top of the standings to the rock bottom:


A sight familiar to anyone who followed Florida football last season -- Chris Leak getting whacked.

1. Florida Gators
Last year: 9-3 (5-3 SEC), squeaked by Iowa 31-24 in the Outback Bowl, entered into Faustian pact with Satan and/or Houston Nutt to ensure that Georgia's star quarterback would be out for the Cocktail Party

You would've been hard-pressed to find a shakier-looking nine-win team last year than the Gators. Of the games they won, only the 41-3 pasting of LaTech and the 34-7 humiliation of Florida State were of certifiable juggernaut quality; most of the rest of the time they were either snatching victory from the jaws of defeat (having to hold on against a Georgia team playing its second-string QB, getting taken to double-OT by Vandy) or just plain getting embarrassed (31-3 blowout at Alabama, a spirit-crushing 30-22 "I crap bigger'n you, son" loss to the Evil Genius and his South Carolina Gamecocks). The reason, as nearly everyone knows by now, was Urban Meyer's diabolically complicated offense, which more often than not strung Chris Leak out as chum for opposing linebackers and backed him up with very little running game to speak of. The good news is that everyone involved will be a lot more used to Meyer's system; the bad news is that the Gators bring to the table one of the most inexperienced offensive lines in the conference, and that's baaaad news indeed when the top item on your 2006 To-Do list is "Keep QB from getting dismembered." Florida will grind plenty of people down with a tough defense this year, but I'd be really surprised to see major, scoreboard-confirmable improvement on the offensive side.

And yet, I don't think they'll lose too many games, certainly not in the Eastern division, where their main competition is Tennessee (could give the Gators a scare in Knoxville, but not enough of one to win), Georgia (who only beats Florida once every 6-7 years and isn't due quite yet), and South Carolina (who will be the subject of some Charles Bronsonesque revenge fantasies when the Gamecocks venture into The Swamp on November 11).

Absolute best-case scenario: 12-0, SEC championship, trip to the national-title game.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: 7-5, with losses coming to Tennessee, LSU, Auburn, South Carolina (again), and the hated Seminoles.
My prediction: 10-2 and a berth in the SEC title game.



Future SAT question: Quentin Moses : opposing QBs :: a) hammer : nail; b) Mike Tyson : Michael Spinks; c) Ronald Reagan : Walter Mondale; d) all of the above?

2. Georgia Bulldogs
Last year: 10-3 (7-2 SEC), abject humiliation at the hands of our couch-immolating Mountain State overlords in the Sugar Bowl

Yeah, yeah, I know, new quarterback, losing tons of guys on defense, rebuilding season, blah blah. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, yeah, because everybody said the exact same shit last year and Georgia still won an SEC title. Obviously, the situation in '06 is not exactly the same as last year's, since none of the four guys vying for the Dawgs' QB spot have anywhere near as much experience as D.J. Shockley did when he took the reins. But the new starter will have, as Shockley did, the benefit of an experienced O-line and no fewer than three extremely talented tailbacks. And even if the offense doesn't quite gel, the defense can be counted on to win some close games, with the QB-annihilating end combo of Quentin Moses and Charles Johnson on the defensive line and some raw but very quick talent in the secondary.

The question mark at QB is way too big for Georgia to expect the stars to align perfectly again and the Dawgs to win another SEC title, but they couldn't have picked a better year to have Western Kentucky and UAB as two of their first three games, or to draw Ole Miss and Mississippi State out of the Western Division. A fifth straight year of double-digit wins is very doable, and what the Dawgs should be shooting for.

Absolute best-case scenario: 11-1 and another SEC title.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: 6-6 and the bitter disappointment of a streak-snapping loss to Georgia Tech still fresh on their minds as they ride the bus to Shreveport.
My prediction: 10-2 and a postseason bowl trip to either Dallas or Tampa.



Erik Ainge, a milk-carton regular since coming out on the losing end of the landmark case Cranium v. Goalpost (2005).

3. Tennessee Volunteers
Last year: 5-6 (3-5 SEC) and a gigantic Nelson Muntz "HA-ha!" echoing from Tuscaloosa to South Bend as the Vols missed the postseason for the first time in 17 years

Well, things obviously have to get better for Tennessee this year, but only in the same way that George W. Bush's approval ratings have to go up, because doing any worse than the Vols did in 2005 would actually present a bigger challenge than doing better -- that's how dramatic their failure was last year. It certainly wasn't a lack of talent, but you could definitely point to a lack of leadership, for the only real question was whether the Vols gave up after their epic 6-3 loss to Alabama or their 16-15 upset shocker to South Carolina and the Evil Genius. The piss-poor offense should be much better now that the Jeff Bowdenesque willful lameness of offensive coordinator Randy Sanders has been replaced by the steady hand of David Cutcliffe, but Cutcliffe has his work cut out for him bringing Erik Ainge back from last year's implosion. The Vols are also green at linebacker and lacking a true shut-down cornerback, so they could get drawn into some shootouts against the better offenses on their schedule (i.e. Cal, South Carolina, LSU).

Tennessee is one of the few teams in the league that didn't throw together a My Little Pony non-conference schedule, and it's conceivable that they could be struggling at 3-3 by the midpoint of the season. But I think they will have improved enough that most of Vol Nation's worst fears will be allayed, thus keeping the denizens of Knoxville from hunting for a spit big enough to roast Phil Fulmer on.

Absolute best-case scenario: 11-1 and a trip back to the SEC title game.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: 6-6 and Phil Fulmer sends his résumé to Mike DuBose hoping to land an assistant position at Millsaps.
My prediction: 8-4 and a trip to the Music City Bowl.



Above, the Antichrist. Oh, calm down, I'm just kidding -- I'd never insult the Antichrist like that.

4. South Carolina Gamecocks
Last year: 7-5 (5-3 SEC), including the unique feat of figuring out a way to lose to Missouri in a bowl game

I know everyone in the SEC is supposed to be feverishly looking at their watches, counting down to the exact second when the Gamecocks break out under Steve Spurrier and seize juggernaut status in the Eastern Division. Not that it couldn't happen eventually, but . . . well, it's not gonna happen this year. Yes, the offense should be dynamite, with a now-more-experienced Blake Mitchell throwing to an excellent group of receivers and two very underrated RBs providing production on the ground. And though focusing on entirely on offense while ignoring defense has killed numerous coaches in the past, Steve Spurrier has certainly never been one of them. But with a so-so front seven and a decimated secondary, the offense had better be good, because my guess is they're going to be involved in more than a few shootouts between now and when the bowl invites are handed out.

In the end I see this as kind of being a "placeholder" season for the Gamecocks, which really shouldn't be seen as all that bad. Yes, last year they were one missed two-point conversion against Georgia away from possibly playing for the SEC title, but they were also 12 points away from going 4-7 and really ruining Spurrier's coronation year in Columbia. I'm guessing that their improvement this year will end up being incremental, but wins in could-go-either-way matchups against Georgia, Tennessee, and Clemson could ratchet expectations up considerably.

Absolute best-case scenario: 11-1 (with the one loss to Auburn) and a first-ever trip to the Georgia Dome.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: 6-6, which is pretty damn good when you consider they went 7-5 last year and everyone thought that was freakin' fantastic. I just don't see them losing to Missy State, Vandy, or Kentucky, and let's don't even talk about their non-conference schedule (which includes such titans as Wofford, MTSU, and Florida Atlantic).
My prediction: 8-4 and an Outback Bowl berth.



Heh. It says "Little" on the back of his jersey.

5. Kentucky Wildcats
Last year: 3-9 (1-7 SEC), apparently still good enough for Rich Brooks to keep his job (which was the most surprising thing they accomplished all season)

Now we're descending into the "Is anyone still reading this?" part of the rankings, because it doesn't matter how much pressure Brooksie is under, or how many sleepers they've supposedly managed to recruit on offense, or how many supposedly winnable games they've managed to finagle onto the schedule -- this team just isn't good enough to be anything more than a speed bump for the top teams in the conference. The offense could very well be the best UK has fielded since the fondly remembered Dusty Bonner days, right before Hal Mumme went clinically insane, but it all hinges on Brooks manning up and deciding between Andre Woodson and Curtis Pulley as his starting QB -- and even then, the best they'll be able to manage against teams like Florida or LSU is probably a first-half outpouring of points just surprising enough to make opposing fans say, "Huh, these guys can actually play a little offense" right before the opposing D gets their heads screwed on straight and blows the Wildcats out of the water in the second half. Either that, or we see a lot of games like last year's Florida contest, in which UK does nothing in the first half but then manages some sort of mini-explosion against the second or third string.

And let's not even talk about the defense, other than to mention that they were the worst in the SEC last season and really have nothing other than an additional year of experience to make anyone believe things will be any different in '06. Fortunately for the Wildcats, they're playing their usual ricockulous out-of-conference schedule (other than Louisville), but even if you spot 'em three OOC wins and victories over conference bottom-feeders MSU and Vandy, they're still gonna need another W to go to a bowl for the first time in seven years. I can think of a couple places where that win might come from, but with each one I'm thinking, "Yeah, but come on, it's . . . Kentucky."

Absolute best-case scenario: 7-5 and a trip to the Liberty Bowl or something like that, prompting Rich Brooks to have a cardiac episode that is serious but non-fatal.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: 2-10 and Brooks gets fired. No, check that: 2-10 and they keep him.
My prediction: 5-7 and, after a very intense coin flip in the AD's office, Brooks gets to keep his job.



Trust me, this is way better-looking than anything else Vanderbilt's gonna put on the field this year.

6. Vanderbilt Commodores
Last year: 5-6 (3-5) SEC, no bowl -- c'mon, it's Vanderbilt -- but a stunning and Schadenfreude-rich victory over Tennessee

Well, kids, I hope you had fun almost beating teams like South Carolina and Florida and almost going to a bowl last year, because the clock has struck twelve, the carriage has turned back into a pumpkin, and Jay Cutler has busted tracks for the NFL. When you're Vanderbilt, and you actually give a shit about book-larnin' and such, your windows of opportunity for turning-point success are more like peepholes, and Vandy's peephole was last year. Even if new QB Chris Nickson is actually talented, he's completed all of one pass in his college career, and it'll be a while before he's able to convince opposing defenses to do anything other than key in on RB Cassen Jackson-Garrison. On the defensive side, Moses Osemwegie is gone, and if you knew how many tackles he usually gets -- seriously, if I did a shot every time I heard the announcer utter his name during a Georgia-Vandy game, I would've died of cirrhosis halfway through the 2002 season -- you'd know he's almost as big a loss to the defense as Cutler is to the offense.

Of course, Vandy could be one of those teams that bounces up and surprises everyone when they're left for dead after the departure of some key players, but I doubt it. The Commodores will have to go back to settling for being the smartest guys in the room again, because if they actually beat an SEC opponent this year, I'll be very surprised.

Absolute best-case scenario: 5-7 and two conference wins.
Book-of-Revelation apocalyptic scenario: 2-10 and no conference wins.
My prediction: 3-9, flirtations with wins against Ole Miss and Kentucky, but in the end a big goose egg in the conference-wins column.


So that's the Eastern Division. Tune in next week, or at some point in the general vicinity of next week, when I'll make equally wrongheaded predictions for the West.

Saturday, August 5

"You been playin' that foos-ball again, haven't you, boy?"


OOOOF goes the dynamite.

You're probably going to be seeing some additions to this blog over the next couple whatever, as the football season is going to start in just a few weeks and Hey Jenny Slater is now a proud member of the college football BlogPoll. Founded by Brian, newly famous poker shark and proprietor of the already famous mgoblog, the BlogPoll gives average Joes like myself a chance to do what sportswriters and coaches have been doing for eons, which is collectively offer their opinion on which are the best college football teams in the country. Only because we bloggers don't have to worry about newswriting or coaching responsibilities -- heck, I'd be willing to bet some of us don't have jobs of any kind! -- we actually have time to, you know, watch multiple games involving the teams we're actually voting on and stuff.

Anyway, each week during the season I'll be posting my "ballot" on here, which you're all welcome to rip apart mercilessly, and eventually the overall BlogPoll results will be posted over in the sidebar and updated regularly.

Now, if you're one of those people who thinks football is OMGZ TEH STUPID and you're thinking about storming out of here in a huff -- metaphorically speaking, of course -- I'll still be doing my usual blathering about politics, turd-witted celebrities (like, f'rinstance, Britney Spears, who has been proven beyond a reasonable doubt to be functionally retarded), the current state of affairs in Birmingham, and, of course, hot chicks. Only now there'll be a lot of football stuff along with it. If you still don't like that, too bad, though I promise that I will passive-aggressively pretend to care on certain special occasions.

At any rate, we are now but 26 days, 10 hours and 9 minutes away from the kickoff of South Carolina vs. Mississippi State on ESPN, which I consider to be the unofficial beginning of the college football season. I'm getting drunk, loud, and opinionated just thinking about it.

Friday, August 4

Friday Random Ten, Separated At Birth edition.

I gotta admit, though I'm clearly not a fan of Joe Lieberman, I always kinda thought he was too friendly and mild-mannered to pull stuff like this. On the other hand, it certainly does tie into my perception of him as someone who thinks he's just owed re-election to his Senate seat, but more to the point, it jogged my memory of who he really looks like:


Senator, meet the chancellor.

Of course, follow this to its logical progression and the comparison kind of breaks down . . .



. . . because I'm pretty sure Joe Lieberman, for whatever reason, is never going to become Pope. It's probably because he's American. I just don't think the Vatican is ready for a Pope from the United States.

(Yeah, I know I'm probably not the first person to have ever made that comparison. But I'm probably getting excommunicated for it anyway. So laugh already.)

Anyway, Lieberman's opponent, Ned Lamont, has a döppelgänger too, and it should be familiar to anybody who watches "Scrubs":


"Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your Senate seat. You always thought it would be there, until that night in 2006 when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal George W. Bush, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of 'About Last Night' and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever -- just like my patience is now."

One more:


"The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."
"Preachin' to the choir, man. Preachin' to the choir."


All right, enough of this stupidity. Here's the Ten:

1. Coldplay, "Trouble"
2. Moby, "God Moving Over the Face of the Waters"
3. Dead Kennedys, "Funland at the Beach" (live at the Waldorf)
4. Snoop Doggy Dogg, "Serial Killa"
5. Larry Munson, the "Look at the sugar falling from the sky!" call from Georgia-Auburn 1982 (yes, I have this on my iPod, and many others with it; go here)
6. David Holmes, "Rodney Yates"
7. Pet Shop Boys, "New York City Boy" (The Thunderpuss 2000 mix)
8. Rolling Stones, "Sympathy for the Devil"
9. Outkast, "Rosa Parks"
10. Clinic, "Harmony"

Your own random ten(s) and/or suggestions for other Separated At Births in the comments, por favor.

Tuesday, August 1

I didn't actually see it, mind you. I'm just going by what my sister said.



You know what's ironic? In the movie "Mean Girls," Lindsay Lohan played the honest, level-headed, smart girl and Rachel McAdams played the conniving, snooty bitch, but in real life, Rachel McAdams is a source for all that is good and pure in the world, while Lindsay Lohan has turned out to be a total dipshit. Alls I'm saying is, that is way more ironic than rain on your wedding day, or ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.