Friday, August 21

The Friday Random Ten+5 puts itself even further out there.

With all the upheaval in my life of late -- have I mentioned that I'm being sued? -- I completely whiffed on the fact that the second anniversary of the Random Ten +5 came around a little over a month ago. Not that this milestone is necessarily as deserving of a celebration as, say, Kiribatian independence or even Disco Demolition Night, but still, y'all seem to enjoy embarrassing revelations from my personal life combined with random glimpses into my iPod, for some reason. So in commemoration of the second +5 I ever did -- the "From Russia With Love" of the series, if you will, the one that really made the series what it is, the one that made people sit up and say, "Ha, this is kind of a funny feature, and by the way, you're a sicko" -- I'm rehashing an old idea and making this week's +5 Five More Chicks I Shouldn't Think Are Hot, But Do.

Jane Curtin
Watched "I Love You, Man" the other day with my mom. Jane Curtin played Paul Rudd's mom. Looked her up on Wikipedia and it turns out she's almost 62. You believe that? Not bad for someone who was being called an ignorant slut on "Saturday Night Live" more than 30 years ago.

Bristol Palin
Yeah, her mom's a complete ass, but I've seen interviews with Bristol and she actually seems like she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders -- at the very least, she's someone who's learned from her mistakes, which, sadly, is rarer these days than you might realize. Plus she's good with kids. The thing is, no matter how cute she is, I could never be one of Sarah Palin's in-laws; I clearly don't like her, and she wouldn't like me. Even if I did score a date with Bristol, I'd give it two weeks before I'd find myself running through the wilderness being chased by Sarah leaning out the side door of a helicopter with a high-powered rifle.

Britney Spears
After a substantial hiatus for whatever reason, Brit's been out and about lately, and you know what? She doesn't look half bad these days. Granted, her abs haven't quite returned to their "Baby One More Time" heyday, but she's still way far ahead of where she was a couple years ago, when the paparazzi never had to wait outside of a Starbucks for more than 30 minutes before they could snap pictures of Britney waddling out the door, braless and dumping another Frappuccino down her gullet. Where'd all her lost poundage end up, you might wonder? Well, I do have one theory.

Phyllis from “The Office”
She has nice cheekbones. And she's apparently a complete animal in the sack, as evidenced by the "Blood Drive" episode in which she and her husband went on a double-date with Jim and Pam and then promptly snuck off to the handicapped restroom to screw. I'm not saying she's as hot as Pam, mind you, but as far as Dunder Mifflin goes she's a solid #2 in the rotation.

Jessica Simpson
I know, I know. Yes, she's given every indication that she's dumber than a box of nails. Yes, her dad is a freakshow. Yes, she probably still has some of Tony Romo's stank on her. And I could sit here and tell you that all those factors combined are enough to make me not want to have anything to do with her, but as Samuel L. Jackson said in "Pulp Fiction," "That shit ain't the truth." Look, we all remember the police-station scene from "The Dukes of Hazzard," and in spite of the room-temperature IQ, in spite of the creepy dad, in spite of the Romo-taint, I'd still hit that. I'm a dude, and a none-too-complex-or-mature one at that; blond hair and fantastic boobs make me do silly things.

Thank you for listening, everybody. I hope you can still respect me in the morning. Now, the Ten:

1. The Clash, "Somebody Got Murdered"
2. U2, "Pride (In the Name of Love)"
3. Groove Armada, "I See You Baby"
4. The Beastie Boys, "To All the Girls"
5. Buzzcocks, "Noise Annoys"
6. LTJ Bukem, "Demon's Theme"
7. Pet Shop Boys, "I Want a Dog"
8. Gorillaz, "Dracula"
9. Foxy Brown, "Letter to the Firm (Holy Matrimony)"
10. Ice Cube, "Dirty Mack"

Your turn to 'fess up, readers -- which members of the opposite sex (or same sex, if that's your thing) should you not be attracted to but are? Those lists, along with your Tens, are welcome in the comments.


Holly said...

Stephen Garcia. Like a younger, higher Jeremy Shockey. WHAT.

1. Nikkfurie - The A La Menthe
2. Fionn Regan - Abacus
3. Nouvelle Vague - Heart Of Glass
4. The Mountain Goats - Abide With Me
5. Steve Earle - Feel Alright
6. Pet Lions - Roman History
7. Harlem Shakes - Technicolor Health
8. Sad Day For Puppets - Marble Gods
9. Evil Nine - The Night
10. Glee Cast - Don't Stop Believin'

Reed said...

So.... Michelle Malkin ain't your type then? 'Cause I figured she'd end up on this list.

1.Black Sabbath, "Iron Man"
2.Albert Collins, "Frosty"
3.Gustav Mahler, "Symphony Of a Thousand"
4.The Who, "Pure and Easy"
5.Sly & The Family Stone, "Luv N' Haight"
6.Koufax, "Work Will Never End"
7.Wolf Parade, "Shine a Light"
8.Therapy & Fatal, "Come and Die"
9.Marvin Gaye, "Heavy Love Affair"
10.Crooked Fingers, "Twilight Creeps"

chg said...

I think throwing Jessica Simpson on here is kind of cheating. If any guy publicly claims she isn't hot, I pretty much assume he is making a transparent attempt to appear thoughtful and sensitive to any women present. Even if the box is empty, you can't argue with the packaging.

Jessica Simpson should probably be at or near the top of a list of Chicks Women Say You Shouldn't Think Are Hot, But Are.

Ollllddude said...

I get Britney. I get Jessica, but I feel like I need a shower. I even kind of get Jane in an Oedipus kind of way, but you are leaning very close to Lars and the Real Girl territory on the other two.

My five, in no particular order: Emma Thompson, Meryl Streep, Leslie Stahl, Renee Zellweger (I know, the chipmunk cheeks, and she is likely a carpet muncher, but I like a challenge) Blythe Danner.