A few years ago, I was in my hometown of Columbus, driving down Reese Road in the direction of Manchester Expressway, when I saw a couple teenage kids driving a red early-'90s Honda Civic coupe. It had a big spoiler on the back and a full complement of air dams, side skirts, and what have you -- its owner had pretty obvious designs on turning it into a "Fast and Furious"-style rice rocket. Only he hadn't gotten around to upgrading the rims or tires yet, because it was still riding around on the stock steel wheels and plastic Honda wheel covers, which combined with the big spoiler and ground-effects bodywork made it look weirdly top-heavy. The coup de grace, if you will (and I do), was the decal that ran across the top of the back window: It read "TO LOW FOR A FAT HO," and yes, that's how it was spelled.
Ah, Columbus. Don't ever change.
And actually, it hasn't, because as I was rolling into C-Town this past Wednesday afternoon for an extended-weekend stay with my folks, I wound up behind this vehicle at a stoplight on Manchester. I had to snap a picture of it with my iPhone, so the resolution is not great and you may not be able to read the stickers I'm talking about, but here's the picture:
And the three stickers read as follows, clockwise from left:
· MY BITCH GIVES GOOD HEAD
· Do I LOOK Like A FUCKING People Person?
· LIFE IS ALL ABOUT ASS: COVERING IT, KICKING IT, KISSING IT, OR TRYING TO GET IT
Note also the putty-gray aftermarket bumper, another clear sign that this car is destined for "Fast and Furious" duty but the driver just hasn't been able to pony up for the spoiler or the rims yet.
You're all class, Columbus. Yet you do have plenty of great barbecue restaurants, a nice historic district, and a Chili's . . . I wish I knew how to quit you.