The wedding's off! . . .

. . . because I don't know that I can ever forgive my former wife-to-be for burdening me with this.

Flickchart is a diabolically simple movie-ranking system: It throws up a pair of movies on the screen and you pick which one you liked better, and over the course of dozens, or hundreds, or (in my case) bajillions of such binary decisions, you wind up with a precise ranking of your favorite movies. Scoff if you want, but just try it for five minutes; at the end of those five minutes, you will look up and realize you have actually spent the last five hours doing this, and you will understand the truth of my statement that Flickchart is as addictive as French fries, crystal methamphetamine, and no-strings-attached sexual intercourse combined. It won't be long before someone at work asks me "Have you finished that article on breast-cancer research yet?" and I'm forced to answer "No! . . . But I have deduced conclusively that I like 'The Bourne Ultimatum' better than 'Driving Miss Daisy,' so there's that."

(By the way: Maya, I apologize in advance. You're never going to see Josh again. Well, not until football season, at least. Sorry 'bout that.)