Tuesday, June 16

Shut it down.

We're done, people. It's over. We had a good run, but after 233 mostly inspiring years, American culture, exceptionalism, and society are over. And it didn't happen because of Barack Obama, it didn't happen because of the Iraq War, it didn't even happen because of the Hummer H2 -- it happened because of this.



I know I've made fun of the Snuggie before, but compared to this little invention, the Snuggie is movable type; it is the fucking internal-combustion engine. That's right, America -- when the sarcastic question is posed "What, you need someone to help wipe your ass for you?", our answer is now apparently "Yes." We have become so lazy and disconnected that the act of wiping now requires a middleman. Coming soon, the Comfort Pee! Because nobody should have to endure something as icky and undignified as holding one's own penis while trying to urinate!

That's my favorite part of the ad, by the way, the part where the older lady talks about maintaining one's "dignity." Yes, because if there's one concept I associate with an ass-wiping wand, it's dignity.

So anyway, last person out of the country, turn out the lights. And please, please, let's all promise never to tell David Cross about this.

5 comments:

Chris said...

But Im a Big Guy and being a big guy has it's advantages and disadvantages and this removes those disadvantages....

Note to self, when I am so fat that I cant wipe my own ass perhaps that will be a good sign that something is wrong.

ACG said...

The "dignity" thing is what got me, too. 'Cause nothing says dignified like wiping your ass with a stick.

Josh said...

I'll bet they shipped a crate of these to Lawrence, KS... not to pick on Mangino but I have several friends who are KU grads and they insist that someone in the athletic department told them that Mangino has to shower after dropping a deuce b/c he cannot physically wipe his own ass.

I like Mangino. I respect him as a coach, leader and family man, but if this is true... wouldn't it be a self-motivating sign to drop some weight?

Eric said...

I'm going have to disagree with this one. Using a stick to wipe your ass is more dignified than having another person do it for you.

And while there are some really lazy people out there, I doubt many of them have other people wipe their ass because they're simply too lazy.

Also, the concept isn't new, they're common for people who have certain birth defects affecting arm lengths.

Will said...

You know, if so many people weren't so anti-France, we could just start installing bidets and skip this whole mess...