Thursday, October 30

A confession of treason in the first degree.

I've had this post in my head for what seems like eons now, long before MaconDawg posted his case against Florida's quarterback over at Dawgsports.com yesterday, even before this post over at EDSBS, which would've been the perfect opportunity to purge my soul about this -- but anyway, with the next installment of the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party coming up just a few days from now, I've decided to get my ass in gear and get it all out there. A lot has been said about Tim Tebow ever since he signed with the Gators, a lot has been said by Georgia fans this week and will continue to be said up until the game on Saturday and certainly after, and not a lot of what they have to say will be complimentary, but you know what?

I think Tim Tebow is awesome. Check that: I think Tim Tebow is fucking awesome.



He's an incredible football player, of course. Has any player carried a team to nine wins as singlehandedly as Teebs did last year? Sure, the Gators' utter lack of a pass defense showed the limits of what even a player as awesome as Tebow could surmount all by his lonesome, but consider that the Gators overcame that deficiency on nine separate occasions by scoring an average of nearly fifty points in those games, and consider, too, that Tebow was directly responsible for more than half of those points. He provided more than seventy percent of an offense that finished '07 ranked 14th in the nation in total yardage. Seriously, it was him, Percy Harvin, and that's it.

But I also think Tebow is awesome in ways that have nothing to do with his performance on the field. He's just a genuinely good kid. The mission trips, the ministry to convicted prisoners? I mean, I do a fair amount of work with charities and community organizations here in Birmingham, but I've never done anything like that. And even the circumcisions in the Philippines that we Dawg fans like to laugh about -- and seriously, it is pretty fuckin' funny -- meant that Tebow had to take weeks out of his life and fly seven thousand miles to go cut some kids' foreskins off. Me, I feel like I've done a great service when I take someone halfway across town to pick up their car at the mechanic.

There's a part of me that thinks I might be highly annoyed by Tebow if I ever met him in person -- by all reports he's super-Christian, all but assuredly a Republican, and would probably chafe at the fact that my description of him in the second paragraph used the word "fucking" -- but he is one of a depressingly small number of prominent Christians in this country who walk the God-fearing walk in addition to talking the talk. He actually gets out there and does the stuff that Jesus instructs people to do in the Bible. And when he's not ministering to people in the Philippines or a state prison or wherever and the cameras aren't on him anymore, there's still no evidence that he's anything but a good, upstanding citizen. All those reports you hear about Gator players getting into trouble with the law for this reason or that reason? Tebow ain't never in 'em. I'll bet you he's in bed every weeknight, like clockwork, by 10 p.m.

And even though he could have his pick of any coed on Florida's campus -- and, even though they wouldn't admit it, Florida State's, Miami's, and UCF's, and more than one at a time -- I'll bet anybody right now twenty bucks that Tebow's a virgin. I'm not saying that to make fun of him; I think that's fantastic. If your personal belief system tells you that you should be saving yourself for marriage, and you resist a daly, if not hourly, dose of worldly temptation to stick to that, then friend, I will not say the first bad thing about you. (Partly because Tebow can't be more than about five months older than I was when I finally lost my virginity myself, but that's really neither here nor there.)

The last reason I think Tebow is awesome, though, might be the hardest to admit: He's awesome because he loves being a Gator. Now, I don't think loving being a Gator is admirable on its face -- mostly, it's quite the opposite -- but the genuine joy on his face when he's running out on the field is something I don't know that I'd ever want to take away from anybody. He's found something he's very good at and he gets to do it in front of ninety thousand people who love watching him; he is living his fucking dream and loving life, and it is so real and beautiful to him that I don't even care that I hate the team he's doing it for. Yeah, we all like to roll our eyes and grouse about what a gaywad he looks like when he's hopping up and down on the sideline or jumping around like a fricking circus act after he scores a touchdown, but admit it, Georgia fans: You wish every player on our team showed the same enthusiasm for being a Bulldog that Tebow does for being a Gator on nearly every single play. Not that all of our players don't, but still, Tebow is the model for showing school pride and loving the colors on his back more than life itself. If I could draw some of Tebow's blood, put it in a centrifuge, separate that enthusiasm out, put it under a microscope and find a way to genetically modify it into something Georgia-specific, I would mass-produce that shit and inject it into every student who walks on to UGA's campus.

Now is probably an improper time to be getting all this off my chest, I suppose, given that this model of a modern-day student-athlete is going to be hurling passes against us in just a few short days. I hope his team loses, of course. I hope they lose this year and next year, and I hope the world scratches its collective head wondering why a quarterback as astronomically talented as Tim Tebow never managed to beat the Dawgs, and I hope that criticism eats Urban Meyer up so much he breaks a toe kicking his file cabinet in frustration.

But I hope the criticism doesn't eat Tebow up the same way, 'cause he's a good kid and I don't want him to feel bad.

Confession over. The executioners may fire when ready.

28 comments:

Josh M. said...

Just admit it. You want to fuck him.

Cal said...

Tebow reminds me a lot of David Pollack. If Pollack had played for Florida or Tennessee or whoever else, I'd have liked him about as much as I liked Steve Taneyhill and his flowing mullet from back in the day at South Carolina.

Will Q said...

I imagine the fans of our rivals feel the same way about Knowshon. Still, that doesn't the fact that the moment Tebow chose Florida, he became a dick.

(Just kidding. But not really.)

DavidDallasTX said...

awful trash horrible rubbish puke shit wretched lousy garbage crap fugly

I just threw up in my mouth

Atlchris said...

God will get you for this...

Jordan said...

I understand where you're coming at with this Doug, but maybe you should have kept that inside -- deep inside.


lol. kidding. He's just a freak of an athlete and a good person. It sucks he plays for Florida. I'm glad we have Stafford, but every Dawg fan would be fawning over Tebow if he played for the Dawgs.

Like Will Q said, think about how people feel about Knowshon.

Jonathan M. Reed said...

I threw up a little.

But it's okay, your Urban Meyer bashing makes up for it.

Josh M. said...

Good lord, people. What is this of which you speak? The guy could donate both kidneys to my mom and I'd still know he was evil incarnate because he willingly chose to be a Florida Gator. Good people do not do that!

I hope Tebow saves a child's life on the way to the game, performs an emergency appendectomy on a dying lady, gives a Bible to every paying fan - and then shatters both legs in the opening minute of the game, never to walk again. He deserves it for wearing that uniform.

Hobnail_Boot said...

If we lose, I'm blaming you.

Anonymous said...

eat shit, doug. obviously, you've not heard all of the gay orgy rumors circulating in north florida.

GDawg94 said...

Doug, WTF man!!!...W T F!!..
Ive been readin this blog for a while now, I look forward to your insight, your clever wit and your commentary each week. I even saw you in tempe and was too nervous to say hello,...then I have to read this??
Doug, I would have smacked you in the head when I passed you outside the sundevil stadium had I known that these thoughts were floating around in your head. I would have been doing you a favor Doug?!.....damnit Doug, why did you have to go and say those things Doug?? Damnit Doug, I dont know where we go from here... I just lost a hero today, are you happy now?

Texaslawdawg said...

I suggest we plead innocent by reason of insanity. In a best scenario, you could spend the rest of your life in a psychiatric hospital.

Ben S said...

Don't listen to them, man; I agree. I think Tim Tebow is desirable as a player in the same way that Richt is desirable as a coach -- they're good people who also happen to be really really good at what they do. I guess that God didn't think it would be fair to the other 118 D-I teams to have both of them wearing Red and Black, so he gave Tebow to the Gators as a consolation prize -- yeah, they have the Tebow Child and his shiny golden totem for now, but I think that having Richt will do more for our program in the long run than TGPOOE could ever do.

A Free Man said...

Bang!

RedCrake said...

You know who else everybody liked when he was in college?

O.J. Simpson.


We all know how that turned out.

That's right Doug...the blood of Tebow's future murdered wife and some poor sap (probably an FSU grad) is on YOUR HANDS!

I hope you're proud of yourself.

kevin said...

Doug-
Begrudgingly agree with you points, disagree with the timing of the post, and am wondering if you wanted to sleep with Wuerffel as much too

aux arcs said...

I agree, Doug. Tim Tebow seems like the genuine article. He just happens to be so easy to hate -- not in a douchebag Gino Torretta way or a quitter Eric Crouch way -- but more of the successful, good looking person who goes out of their way to be nice to you and to be a class act in the community.

Tim Tebow is the best role model to win the Heisman. Period. And I hate him for it -- not really.

Gaytorwithabigone said...

haha... I love it!

"There's a part of me that thinks I might be highly annoyed by Tebow if I ever met him in person -- by all reports he's super-Christian, all but assuredly a Republican, and would probably chafe at the fact that my description of him in the second paragraph used the word "fucking" -- but he is one of a depressingly small number of prominent Christians in this country who walk the God-fearing walk in addition to talking the talk. He actually gets out there and does the stuff that Jesus instructs people to do in the Bible. And when he's not ministering to people in the Philippines or a state prison or wherever and the cameras aren't on him anymore, there's still no evidence that he's anything but a good, upstanding citizen. All those reports you hear about Gator players getting into trouble with the law for this reason or that reason? Tebow ain't never in 'em. I'll bet you he's in bed every weeknight, like clockwork, by 10 p.m."

Greatness!

I now have a Teboner. Oh, and btw... it's a pretty big one.

Anonymous said...

I remember watching a show called Surving History on the History Channel sometime back. I would like to suggest if found guilty of treason he should be placed on a table under the Pendulum

http://link.history.com/services/link/bcpid1591592464/bclid1600116391/bctid1592088977

Or hell just load him in the Brazen Bull. Now this would be public entertainment for Dawg fans

miles said...

I think he needs some Madonna

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0X7RyGBq2E8

ugababetrish said...

Thanks miles, love the madonna video. Thanks for the link.

Back to the "A confession of treason in the first degree"

I recommend a full and unconditional Presidential Pardon.

I'll talk to President John McCain when he's elected next Tuesday.

Gen. Stoopnagle said...

Tim Tebow is their David Pollack. Period. I don't know that Pollack ever cut little boys' penises up into little bits, but all that other stuff about loving the game, his school, being a total badass player? That's David Pollack. Oh, and the Christian stuff too.

EmotionalFescue said...

"I was saying Boo-urns."

-Hans Moleman

I'm assuming you're doing this whole I HEART Tebow rant for some sort of karmic reason or some Evil Richtesque ploy. Either way, I am left speechless, dumbfounded, and angry. Much the same way I was when I saw the Ugg/Croc demon spawn in the Friday 5. You better know what you're doing because next I'm expecting a McCain endorsement out of you.

"I'm so startled."

-Randy Marsh

Megs said...

Doug, you are a brave, brave man, and I respect your cojones. That said, I think you're probably wrong about one thing: it's pretty damn unlikely that Tebow's a virgin (see: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/11/03/081103fa_fact_talbot).

Also, they are not showing the game on ESPN here tomorrow night. They are showing NASCAR. Can somebody please talk me back from the ledge?

Anonymous said...

Megs,

where are you, in hell?

Anonymous said...

LOL @ anon 1:46!!!

Wes said...

I am very saddened to see this. I started reading your blog about two months ago and have to say you gained my respect with the flag "celebration". Then you up and threw it all away. I am not arguing that Tebow isnt a model citizen but why this week? It almost seems like you might be a double agent. Hatered for Florida like a healthy dawg fan usually has would have blinded you to anything short of Tim walking on water. You need to examine yourself and your affiliation. Really Doug wouldn have been abetter idea to write about this after the game? Wouldnt it have been better to hide your wood for Timmy for a week more? I fully expect you to redeem yourself after this error in judgement. Currently you are on probation for the violation of trying to sleep with the eemy.

Anonymous said...

As a Alabama fan, I agree with you on all your points. Tebow had me at the Ole Miss press conference. I can't bring myself to hate him.