OK, I know this week's +5 is ground I've covered before to some extent, but when you're in kind of a bad mood -- and boy howdy, was I in a bad mood today, at least until I had the werewithal to stave off looming insanity by cramming some Ruby Minis down my piehole at lunchtime -- it's a well that's definitely worth going back to. So here's Five More Things That Just Need To Stop, Right Now, This Instant.
Television news reports on viral videos
If there's one thing that makes me want to put my foot through the television screen when it's not football season, it's networks like CNN wasting valuable screen time on stories like "Check out which viral video is sweeping the nation!" Hey, guess what: If such-and-such video has gotten a bazillion hits on YouTube, then chances are we already know about it, because we're the ones who helped jack their hit count up to a bazillion in the first place. That isn't always the case, of course; I didn't know about the above video or "Fred," the character "starring" in it, until CNN did a story on "Fred" a few weeks ago. But that begs the question, did I need to know about it? Is it vitally important that I be apprised of which stupid thing the nation's tweener girls find irresistible this week? Maybe that's a story you should consider doing instead, CNN: "Is every girl in America between the ages of 11 and 16 a complete retard? We investigate . . . after this." Maybe you could work on that instead of weeing your pants over whatever JibJab next craps out onto the Intertubes.
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
I had the weirdest experience this past Saturday: Rght before a showing of the movie "Hancock," they showed a preview for the forthcoming film "Disaster Movie," and in that preview was a scene parodying "Hancock." We were already watching a preview of a movie satirizing the very movie we had just sat down to watch. WTF? Then it occurred to me: This film was created by the same pair of smarmy dicklicks who inflicted "Date Movie," "Epic Movie," and "Meet the Spartans" on the filmgoing public. Basically, the Friedberg/Seltzer method is to write down every remotely satirizable film or pop-culture phenomenon of the past 12 months, throw it all in a blender, hit "liquefy," and film whatever comes out. I'm sure it's a great moneymaking scheme, but it makes for a fucking awful comedy; even the two-minute preview was about as much fun as a body-cavity search. The whole time I was like, "Am I being too blatant in my contempt for this movie? Does that make me kind of an asshole? Should I let out a chuckle, just to make it clear I'm not a humorless assw -- oh, hell no, they did not just lift 30 seconds of dialogue verbatim from 'You Don't Mess With the Zohan.' Fuck this, no way am I laughing now." Somebody needs to kidnap them and tie them up in an abandoned factory so that Jim Abrahams and David and Jerry Zucker can torture them in all kinds of horrific ways. And then I'll be like, "Don't worry, we're just spoofing 'Hostel.' It's satire, baby!"
Jesus H. Christ, are we still not done with these?
Dude, I hate to say this, because I loved you when you were with the Packers. I mean, not the kind of love I have for Mark Richt, whom I love as deeply as any one heterosexual man can love another heterosexual man, but still, you were awesome. So that just makes it all the more unfortunate that you're pulling this "I'm retired, oops, JK I'm not, now let me back on the team and get this Rogers pissant outta my face" act on us now. Not only are you tarnishing what was otherwise a damn near spotless legacy, you've set in motion a media machine that takes over the radio airwaves, the newspapers, the TV networks and the Intertubes every time you so much as take a crap. Peter King's happier than a pig in shit right now, I'm sure, but that doesn't mean it's any fun for the rest of us.
The whole Barack-Obama-as-an-arrogant-elitist-celebrity meme
John McCain had a made-for-TV movie made about him three years ago. He's had cameos on "24" and in the movie "Wedding Crashers"; he hosted "Saturday Night Live" in 2002 and appeared on the show again this year. He's pals with Warren Beatty and Arnold Schwarzenegger, while his daughter hangs out with Heidi Montag. He wears $520 Italian loafers while his wife, a beer-distributor heiress who's been known to charge as much as $500,000 a month on her credit cards, got her pilot's license and bought a Cessna Citation Excel because a private plane is supposedly "the only way to get around the state" of Arizona. Yet Barack Obama is the one who's supposedly an out-of-touch elitist who's obsessed with his own celebrity status. Uh-huh, sure, you betcha.
Ahhh. I feel a little better now. So here's the Ten:
1. A Tribe Called Quest, "Lyrics to Go"
2. Pet Shop Boys, "Was It Worth It?" (12" mix)
3. The Strokes, "Alone Together"
4. Love Jones, "Paid for Loving"
5. Common, "Chi City"
6. 10,000 Maniacs, "Few and Far Between"
7. The Farm, "News International"
8. 3rd Bass, "Sea Vessel Soliloquy"
9. Four Tet, "Everything is All Right"
10. Steely Dan, "Reeling in the Years"
Better late than never, it's your turn, folks. Your Random Tens and/or lists of shit that just needs to be given a rest go in the comments.