Thursday, May 29

A memo from the desk of Arnold T. Pants, Esq.:
Crabs, veeps, and douchebags, oh my!

· On Wednesday I got this month's issue of the Nature Conservancy magazine, and the blurb on the cover said "Counting On Crabs," referring to the importance of horseshoe and other crabs in maintaining the health of coastal ecosystems. Somewhere, in an alternate universe, I like to think I received a copy of that magazine with the same headline, only the subhead read "My wild night with Paris Hilton." Zing! Count it!

· Though I am an avowed Barack Obama supporter in this year's presidential election, you may recall that Obama, as fine a leader as he is, wasn't my first choice. Optimus Prime, regrettably, sat this election out, but it still did my heart good to see include Prime on its list of possible Obama VP nominees:

- heroic
- beloved by millions of people
- doesn’t need his own Secret Service detail, as he is a giant battle robot
- can voice over his own ads and it will be awesome

- Energon needs may betray problematic views on energy policy
- although technically able to assume presidency on grounds that adoption of current big-rig transformed form counts as a “rebirth” and it happened on American soil, expect a court challenge to his viability
- predictable target of negative ads: “How Do We Know He Will Not Go Insane And Try To Exterminate Humanity?”
- likely Megatron endorsement of John McCain in response

Of course, if Optimus turns down such an offer, there are always other choices. Who, for instance, could bolster the Democrats' national-security résumé more capably than Anthony Stark (I-N.Y.)?

· If it's a generally accepted truism that producers of comedy films will pick out the very funniest scenes from their movie to put in the trailer to entice audiences, what does that say about Mike Myers's upcoming movie "The Love Guru"?

· Turning to things that don't suck, ESPN has already dibsed the TV rights to the Georgia-Alabama game on September 27, which increases the chances that it'll be a night game. And you know what that means: 1) an unforgettable pre-game atmosphere in Athens, and 2) one that, by 3 in the afternoon or so, I'll be too drunk to fully take in. Oh well, I'm sure it'll be fun while it lasts.

· But anyway, since that last video did suck, I'll send you out with one that doesn't: the top-secret, behind-the-scenes version of the legendary Bill O'Reilly "Inside Edition" meltdown that was making the Interweb rounds a couple weeks ago.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy -- and by "nicer" I mean "bigger," and by "guy" I mean "self-important waste of oxygen." Happy trails, wankers!


Holly said...


Josh said...

Great idea, poor execution.

I want to see O'Reilly v. Olbermann in a Doucheoff.

There can be only one.