Saturday, January 6

The 50 Most Loathsome People in College Football: 30-21.

The 50 Most Loathsome People in College Football rolls on, and it's come to my attention that a few people think posts like this are immature and petty. Well, those people have already clocked in at #37 on next year's list. Probably crammed between Craig James and Jimmy Clausen.

If you've just joined us: 50-41; 40-31.

30. Lou Holtz
Charges:
Perhaps even more so than Bobby Bowden, has devoted his life to making the chicken salad of down-home aw-shucks folksiness out of the chicken shit of malfeasance and borderline senility. Has left nearly every program he's touched in the throes of NCAA sanctions or some other type of embarrassment; the final game of his coaching career was topped off by a 10-minute bench-clearing brawl between his South Carolina players and those from arch-rival Clemson, and when the Carolina players were finally separated, they began fighting each other. Sometimes succeeds in making even Mark May look insightful on "College Gameday Final," where any school he has ever coached gets the benefit of his shameless homerism.
Exhibit A: During halftime of this year's Louisville-Kentucky game, he observed that Kentucky had been disrupting Louisville's passing game by getting good pressure on UL's receivers; Louisville won the game 59-28 after piling up more than 600 yards of offense. Three weeks later, said that winless Colorado could make some noise in the Big Eight, a conference that has not existed since 1996. Oh: And "J.D. Stokley."
Sentence: Ground into tapioca pudding and fed to Joe Paterno.

29. Terry Bowden
Charges:
In his first season, took the Auburn Tigers to an 11-0 record with Pat Dye's players, then immediately started steering the team downhill with his own guys. When he lost, he dodged responsibility like Deion Sanders avoiding contact, piling blame on his players or assistants but almost never accepting any himself. After being fired, could have gone gently into that good night but instead took his Campbell's-Soup-kid-like visage to ABC Sports, where he actually succeeded in making Craig James look deep and insightful.
Exhibit A: Not once in his ABC career has he been able to mention Bobby Bowden's name without adding the modifier "my diddy."
Sentence: TP'ed by Auburn students at Toomer's Corner and set ablaze.

28. Steve Spurrier
Charges:
He was certainly loathsome when he was running up insane scores on opponents and laughing about it afterward at Florida, but at least you had to respect him. That's no longer the case now that he's struggling in the festering pit of Columbia, South Carolina, perhaps even more insufferable than before as he continues to cart around his planet-sized ego even though he no longer has the weapons to back it up. Has gone from gridiron death, destroyer of worlds, to dyspeptic codger who'll blame anyone from his (admittedly turd-witted) players to the refs to his own coaching staff for his frustrations. Traded volcanic visor-throwing for the fixed, constipated grimace of someone who wants to drop 70 points on somebody but can't and is furious at the world about it.
Exhibit A: Almost lost to Wofford. Wofford.
Sentence: Forced to open the 2007 season against a team composed of everybody who was playing on the 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers.

27. Dennis Franchione
Charges:
Brings the massive-ego-with-no-real-accomplishment-to-back-it-up steez prevalent in so many players to the coaching ranks, with repeatedly humiliating results. Declared his intentions to take Texas A&M back to the pinnacle of college football; has instead led them to a four-year record (25-23) worse than what his predecessor put up in his final four years in College Station. When fan displeasure with his mediocrity reached a fever pitch following a blowout loss to Iowa State in 2005, he posted a lengthy missive on his Web site basically informing the fans that they didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. And that's even before we get to him buggering out of Tuscaloosa without so much as telling his former players first, leaving them to find out about it from the local news stations.
Exhibit A: While getting horsewhipped by Colorado in a 2005 road game, quarterback Reggie McNeal visibly rolled his eyes at one of Franchione's play calls in the huddle.
Sentence: Nuts placed in vise, squeezed.

26. Mal Moore
Charges:
Has used his Bear Bryant connections to coast on a stretch of failure and incompetence that would've gotten just about any other AD in the country fired. Hired Dennis Franchione by skirting the truth about just how severely Bama was about to get whacked by NCAA sanctions; when Franchione bolted, hired Mike Price, then axed him in the middle of the offseason for getting too friendly with a stripper; hurriedly replaced him with Mike Shula, then shit-cannned him for losing to Auburn, without having the remotest idea who his replacement was going to be. Misfired repeatedly in that search and only saved face by employing the college-football equivalent of the nuclear option -- throwing cubic yards of money at an NFL coach fresh off of digging his team into a Chicxulub-sized crater. Yet just to show that he could even fuck that up, he forgot to handcuff his notoriously short-tenured new hire into any kind of buyout clause whatsoever.
Exhibit A: Fired Shula without having a replacement lined up; offered the job to Rich Rodriguez not knowing whether he'd take it; told everybody he'd offered the job to Rodriguez not knowing whether he was taking it (which, embarrassingly, he was not).
Sentence: Losing to Auburn in 10 months, having to acquiesce to the inevitable demands that Nick Saban get fired for it, and then having to pay the remaining $36 million of Saban's contract out of his own pocket.

25. Big & Rich
Charges:
Taking something beautiful -- ESPN's "College Gameday" -- and besmirching it with an eardrum-searing, nonsensical pop-country theme song that precisely nobody in America will profess to liking, and that robustly reinforces effete Volvo-driving Northeastern liberals' impression of Southerners as drooling, taste-deprived idiots. Honestly, it's like painting a tallboy of Thunderbird into the hand of the Mona Lisa. In some jurisdictions, "Comin' . . . to your ci-taaaayyyy" could be interpreted as a terroristic threat.
Exhibit A: "We'll all be flyin' higher than a jet airliner/And if you want a little bang in your ying yang/If you want a little zing in your zang zang/If you want a little ching in your chang chang/Come along."
Sentence: Strapped into the wreckage of Patsy Cline's plane and pushed out the back of a C-17 at 35,000 feet.

24. Referees
Charges:
For decades they've comprehensively ruined at least a handful of big games every season through their myopia and/or inattentiveness, and now that they have instant replay to assist them, they're still fucking up. Adhere to a bizarre system whereby individual conferences field their own officiating crews. Wield the cudgel of pass interference as arbitrarily as a six-year-old buying up properties in his first game of Monopoly.
Exhibit A: Oklahoma-Oregon. Auburn-LSU. Auburn-Florida. Colorado's fifth down. JASPER WAS DOWN, BITCH!!1!!1!!
Sentence: A Ludovico treatment consisting of the 2005 Alamo Bowl on perpetual loop, backed by a soundtrack of eardrum-piercing whistle blows.

23. Reggie Ball
Charges:
OK, maybe this is just the residual contempt of a UGA fan talking here, but few players have ever done as much shit-talking -- to opposing players, to opposing coaches, even to the fricking refs -- with as little actual ability to back it up as Game Ball. Jabbers conspicuously to anyone within earshot after every single offensive play, even when he's done nothing but gain one yard on a quarterback draw, yet his career completion percentage at Georgia Tech is well below .500, and his TD/INT ratio is 57/55. Just for good measure, finished said career by getting declared academically ineligible for the Gator Bowl.
Exhibit A: Commenced his freshman year by engineering a stunning defeat of Auburn; finished it by getting yanked from the Georgia game after decking one of the Bulldogs' trainers on the sideline. (The benching was later attributed to a "concussion," one which mysteriously didn't keep Ball from standing up on chairs and hollering like a jackass for the entire second half.)
Sentence: Must give nightly full-body massages to Ryan Leaf -- with "happy ending."

22. The Downtown Athletic Club/The Yale Club
Charges:
Clogging otherwise enjoyable seasons of college football with a meaningless award that, in actual practice, is nothing but the kiss of death for top NFL prospects. Feeding the codependent need of ESPN, SI.com, etc. to hype the same five or six guys all freakin' season long. Fraudulently disguising a "Best Quarterback or Running Back from a Ranked BCS Team" trophy as an award purporting to honor the nation's best overall player.
Exhibit A: Eric Crouch.
Sentence: Being subjected to audio recordings of "Beano Cook Remembers," Vols. I-XXIII, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

21. Jim Tressel
Charges:
Projecting an image of stoic integrity when in fact his record has been one of virtually unrestrained player indulgence ever since his salad days at Youngstown State -- basically, he's Bobby Bowden without the personality (or liver spots). Coddled budding sociopath Maurice Clarett just long enough to ride him to a national title, then shrugged his shoulders and washed his hands of him once Clarett graduated to full-blown felonies. His very existence undermines the good reputation of sweater-vest-wearers everywhere.
Exhibit A: He'd actually be more likable, and probably not on this list at all, if he was really writing "Tressel's World."
Sentence: Strapped inside an Escalade that is then filled with concrete through the sunroof and pushed into the Olentangy.

Tomorrow: #20-#11, whose milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

25 comments:

Papa said...

Sweet. You got Tressel.

Anonymous said...

Brilliance continued.

And I'm happy to still not see Jim Delany's name. Because he has to be #1, right? RIGHT?

Anonymous said...

You are an idiot! A pathetic loathsome one at that. GW

Jack Fu said...

Tressel hatred continues to befuddle me. I can understand hating the fans, the university, or certain players, but loathing Tressel, especially this high on such a list, when the main argument is almost always "he's such a fake," is just ... weird.

Anonymous said...

Can I just say this is one of the most brilliant things I've ever seen?

And I was wondering where Coach Fran was. He could have been ranked higher ...

Defender90 said...

Dude, you are funny and sh*t. Can't wait for 20-11.

Anonymous said...

...festering pit of Columbia, South Carolina

Come on, man. Just because Georgia fans have an irrational hatred of Carolina doesn't mean you have to slam a town with one of the best college bar scenes in the South.

Hell, one of my favorite places regularly has $2 Beam specials and a steel cock.

A STEEL COCK!

Anonymous said...

Being subjected to audio recordings of "Beano Cook Remembers," Vols. I-XXIII, 24 hours a day, seven days a week? You're a sick, sick man. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Well, except maybe Archie Manning.

Anonymous said...

Everyone's argument:
Tressel is dirty, Tressel is dirty, Tressel is dirty....

Evidence:
Well, Maurice Clarett

Last time Clarett played for tOSU:
January, 2003

Any more evidence:
Well, no, not really

Sad, really.....

Anonymous said...

Apparently the OSU fanbase is entirely made-up of thin-skinned pussies. Who knew? (Beside all of us, I mean).

Jack Fu said...

To address you two, in inverse order:

1.) Saying I don't understand why everyone hates Tressel so much makes me "thin-skinned" and a "pussy"? It sure doesn't seem like I'm the one being overly emotional about this.

2.) Oh, that's right, Tressel's definitely dirty! And definitely a cheater! I forgot about the "1.)a." argument to the "1.)" of "he's such a fake." And how exectly is "Maurice Clarett" enough evidence in itself to prove this "cheating" that you all seem to "know" about, but the NCAA is too stupid to find, even after investigating for months? Because of vindictive (unproven) allegations he made only days after getting suspended for, among other things, filing a false police report? Sounds like a perfectly trustworthy source to me. Especially if I have an irrational hatred of OSU.

Kara said...

I just read this article about Tressel, and it seems to address both sides: the side who dislikes him ostensibly because he's not completely open with the press and has a politician-like ability to say nothing with a lot of words, and the side who likes him because he's a savvy coach who does a lot of good for OSU football and the players.

People will always bring up Clarett, but few seem to acknowledge that Tressel was lobbying to get him a spot to play in NFL Europe, at least until Clarett was arrested. And how about someone like Troy Smith, who Tressel helped? If you want a glimpse at the real Tressel, watch him when Troy won the Heisman. The tears in his eyes reflected a man who was proud of, and loved, his player.

Anonymous said...

I hope you list Pete Carroll at number 20. He's the west coast Tressel with more media hype that not even Lucas could re-master. Each coach has probably uttered the words, "Oh... I didn't know he was doing that," when questioned about a players behavior.

Anonymous said...

Right, Tressel's never done anything wrong. Except for...

1. Giving Troy Smith a one-game suspension against a MAC team for taking money from a booster. (Contrast to Rhett Bomar getting kicked off of Oklahoma's team for a similar offense.)

2. Not suspending Robert Reynolds for choking Jim Sorgi out of a game.

3. Lying about Ohio State checking the bags of every 2004 opponent after Michigan was forced to stand around for a half an hour getting harangued by the collection of philosophers and physicists that is the Ohio State fanbase.

Other than that, Jim's an angel.

SupesDied said...

1. Smith was suspended for a bowl game and the first game of the next regular season for taking $200. Comparing that to what Bomar did is ignorant.

2. Jim Sorgi was not 'choked out' of the game. Get real. Reynolds was benched for the next game.

3. That one, about it being his idea? You just made that up.

You've got issues.

Kara said...

1. Troy Smith was suspended for two games, including a bowl game. He didn't start the Texas game in '05, and many believe OSU would have won if he did, and he had to earn back his starting position. Considering Troy's been a model citizen and player since that incident, I hardly think he's an example of why Tressel is The Evil. Just the opposite, because he helped a guy turn it around. If Tressel hadn't helped Troy, and he ended up like Clarett, then people would have hugely criticized Tressel. He's in a no-win situation with some people.

2. Robert Reynolds was suspended for a game, and it's like not anyone, including Tressel, offered an excuse for his behavior.

3. I hardly doubt Tressel was in charge of ordering anyone's bags to be checked. He had other things to do, like preparing for a game. I'm sure Michigan losing that year was all because of their fragile psyches not being able to handle the mean OSU fans. *eye roll*

Nobody said Tressel is an angel. But he's not the devil, either. The Tressel-hate is so unbelievably short-sighted, and those people refuse to acknowledge anything good that the man does.

Anonymous said...

It strikes me that these are a for-fun sort of rankings. Ohio State fans, it appears, are capable of having no fun. Their us-against-the-world mentality is very 'Canes-esque. And very tired. Why the loud protests, Buckeye nation, if there's really nothing wrong there?

Oh, and Reynolds' act was a felony. He should have been banished from the sport. Tressel is a pussy.

Anonymous said...

Or this blog is about the millionth media outlet/blog/poster/moron who has attacked Tressell, the classiest HC in football. And the only legit reason everyone ever has is Maurice Clarett.

Notice how noone is disputing Clarett has a HOF on this list. He deserves. Tress doesn't.

bubba said...

Excellent work, but Mal Moore knew all along that Saban was interested and would come to T-town if offered.

Anonymous said...

Awwww, you used an old picture of Terry Bowden. Wait, the screen's not big enough to hold a current picture. Never mind.

Jack Fu said...

"It strikes me that these are a for-fun sort of rankings. Ohio State fans, it appears, are capable of having no fun. Their us-against-the-world mentality is very 'Canes-esque. And very tired. Why the loud protests, Buckeye nation, if there's really nothing wrong there?"

First of all, this "the fact that you guys care about this list at all shows that you know he's dirty" argument makes anti-sense. But if you really want to know why we care, I'd be glad to let you know.

The football program of my alma mater has given me numerous instances of both joy and embarrassment. I recognize this. And I have no way of empirically proving it, but in this insulated world of the CFB blogs, after a cursory overview of the content out there you could make a more than reasonable case that OSU has the most hated football program in D-1. What's frustrating is that I completely understand many of the reasons why people would hate and/or think less of us, be they certain player transgressions or fan behavior. But calling Jim Tressel "loathesome" strikes me as a kind of catch-all, "I hate everything about OSU" statement made by someone with an axe to grind. And fine, whatever, go ahead and make it. But we think Jim Tressel is a good man, and it's myopic to think that we just wouldn't care about him being described as he is on here.

Anonymous said...

Gotta speak up for Gamecocks everywhere... first of all, of our five losses, 4 of them were to teams ranked in the top 12 for a combined total of 21 points. We played the top teams close with almost 2/3 freshmen on the field. What other team can say that?

Second of all, Spurrier is changing the culture in Columbia, not just the football team. We've always had arguably the best fan base in the nation. We've consistently sold out our 85,000 seat stadium even during that Lou Holtz stretch where we went 0-21.

Thirdly, you are correct about Lou. How about give Spurrier another year to get his own recruits on the field, then you can go ahead and judge him.

Fourth, you attacked my hometown and called it a festering pit... Honestly, have you ever even been there? Spent more than the time it takes to drive through there? I can guarantee the answer is no. Columbia is a GREAT place to live, we're an hour from the mountains, an hour from the beach and Lake Murray is a quick drive away. Not to mention Five Points, the Vista, multiple live music venues, the biggest St. Patrick's party in the Southeast, I mean honestly I could go on and on here.

I give you credit for the idea of the article, and some aspects of what you say really are true. However, you are absolutely wrong about Columbia, Spurrier and our extremely talented players. A top 10 recruiting class already, we're poised to sign 4-6 more 4 and 5 star athletes this year. Combine that with the existing players and Spurrier and what you get is a spot in the SEC Championship game either in 2007 or 2008. Do a little more research before you go making offensive, broad statements about things you so obviously know nothing about.

Gamecock For Life

Anonymous said...

Have you watched the Heard "hit"? The whistle had not blown, so even though Dodge was down after the interception, the play was not over. Also Heard did not "unload" on him. He pushed him with both hands and McCoy flopped.

I understand Heard is 300+ lbs and a guy that big pushing a 220-ish QB is gonna knock him down, but it's not like he went head hunting.

If any of t.u.'s defensive players had done this to Steven McGee, you would have never heard about it.

Just another excuse for getting beat on their home turf.

www.fileitunder.com

Anonymous said...

You are correct in your assesment of the city of Columbia, S It only exists because the rice and cotton barons of the 17th century wanted a capital located in the geographical center of the state. Its flat, sweltering hot and humid, and is NOT as someone said "an hour from the mountains and the beach" Maybe by plane it is, but for those of us without that luxury, a 2 hour drive is more like it. As the saying goes...if SC ever needs an enema, Coulmbia will be the point of insertion.

Anonymous said...

I see someone's still pissed about all those beatings Spurrier put on the jawjy buhdawgs