Tuesday, March 14
I can't tell you how happy I am for you.
Sometimes bad things happen to good people. And then sometimes bad things happen to people who are neither necessarily good nor bad, but then something good happens to make the bad somewhat less bad in retrospect. That appears to be the case with former Carolina Panthers cheerleader Renee Thomas, who avoided jail time by pleading no contest to assault charges stemming from a November incident in which she and a fellow cheerleader were supposedly having sex in a nightclub bathroom.
This isn't going to be good news for everyone, of course, as instead of a months-long opportunity for some hot women's-prison action, Thomas will merely undergo anger-management therapy, pay $400 to the woman she punched, and perform 50 hours of community service -- and according to Deadspin, both she and the other cheerleader agreed not to accept "any monetary gain from this case." Meaning, among other things, you can forget about seeing her in Playboy or Maxim or The Economist or any of those other smut mags.
Still, I'm glad she stayed out of the slammer, because the day two cheerleaders getting their freak on in a bathroom stall becomes a jailable offense in this country is the day I pack up, move to Montreal and become a Canadian citizen. Oh, sure, go ahead and cirumvent FISA and listen in on my phone calls without getting a warrant, but you 1984-loving fascists will never criminalize hot girl-on-girl action, you hear me? Never!