Monday, May 2

Well met, baby sis, well met. But the day will be mine.

One of my favorite stories my mom used to tell me and my sister about our childhood -- even though it's not one in which I come off particularly well -- is the day we learned to tie our shoes. My sister was three, which would have made me five and a half or something like that, and somehow she had learned to tie her shoes before me. But I didn't know this until she plopped down in front of me and said, "I know how to tie my shoes now."

This sounded bogus to me, so I said, "No you don't." And right then and there, Ann proceeded to tie her shoes, right freakin' in front of me. I stared at her and her tied shoes for a moment, and then, displaying an acceptance of reality that could've won me a job in the Bush administration had I not been born 20 years too early, I said, "You didn't do that."

Why am I dragging out this old story that maybe all of three people, all of whom are in my immediate family, will find funny? As a segue into the admission that baby sis has smoked me on yet another one of my pivotal life goals -- bitch finished writing a novel before me. Curse her! Who does she think she is, being all literary and shit?

Well, not having actually read the thing yet, I'm tempted to revert back to age five and say she didn't really do it, but knowing her, yes she freaking did. So I've got to massage my wounded ego somehow. I know there's plenty of crap I've done that her ass still hasn't, and I'm going to list them here, for all the world to see -- the Top 10 Things I've Done That My Sister Still Hasn't So Suck It, in no particular order:

· Written a full-length screenplay. Hah.
· Flown in a glider.
· Been to the states of Arkansas, Iowa, Michigan, Nebraska, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Texas, and Utah. (So that's like nine things right there!)
· Seen a cow give birth.
· Totaled a car.
· Gone backstage at a Widespread Panic concert.
· Driven in (or ridden in) a Secret Service motorcade.
· Had sex with a Hooters waitress.
· Met Wes Clark in person.
· Spent a night in jail.

Top that, baby sis! Yeah, this should float the disintegrating wreckage of my self-esteem for a little while longer. I hope.

6 comments:

Ellen said...

I'm sure her insane jealousy over you being first to go to Oklahoma will help you make it through this.

Anonymous said...

I will definitely have to hope she does not compete with you on a couple of those points, Doug! Bragging rights on jail, sex with a waitress, totaling the car (surviving that is worthwhile!), going to NJ? Come on! No one can truly brag/be proud of those!

ACG said...

How do you know I haven't had sex with a Hooters waitress?

DAve said...

How do you know I haven't had sex with a Hooters waitress?

We'll need photographic proof, kay? Thanks.

Riley said...

When did you have sex with a Hooters waitress?

I know about the black girl going down on you in Alabama, probably breaking about 15 laws in the process, but I've heard nothing about the Hooters waitress.

Doug said...

Wow, all of a sudden this has turned almost as blue as a Laura Bush monologue. But let the record show that, apparently unlike her husband, I have never jacked off a horse.