Shorter John Tierney: More Victory Gin, dammit!
Shorter (well, not really shorter) Jonah Goldberg: If you ask me to put my money where my mouth is, then . . . uh, the terrorists have already won!
Shorter Dick Cheney: Uh, Mary, Daddy's going to . . . uh, the bank. Yeah, the bank. To, uh, get some money. Don't worry, Daddy'll be home soon. And then we can have ice cream.
Shorter Danielle Crittendon: I have never actually seen a movie before in my life.
(Shorter concept, as always, bogarted from Busy, Busy, Busy.)