One post about Terri Schiavo, and then somebody make sure to slap me if I ever come near this subject again.

Just about everything that needs to be pointed out about the ongoing Terri Schiavo controversy has been pretty much pointed out -- the fact that even evangelical Christians think Congress is overstepping its bounds by getting wrapped up in this, the fact that George W. Bush helped pass while governor of Texas a bill giving hospitals the right to cut off patients' life support if they couldn't pay, the fact that Tom DeLay should be slapped around until he cries like a little girl -- so I figured I didn't really have a lot to add to all that, until something occurred to me this afternoon.

In spite of Tom DeLay's fanciful yarn about Schiavo "talking" and "laughing," she can do neither. The only reason one might be loath to describe her as "brain-dead" is because it's hard to prove she has much of a brain to begin with. Entire parts of her brain have atrophied to the point where it has been replaced by spinal fluid, and kids, that's not the kind of stuff that's known for just all of a sudden re-forming into a brain again. So while Tom DeLay and Rick Santorum and all those other knobs trying to make hay out of this sad situation might still hold all sorts of cute fantasies about Schiavo up and snapping out of her current state, it's hard to believe that they seriously think this is going to happen.

However, DeLay and Santorum and the Knob Crew have another thing in common: They're all vociferously opposed to government funding for stem-cell research. Now, it's ridiculous to think that the government can throw a few million dollars at a stem-cell research facility and they'd have a brand-new brain grown by Easter. But it'd be a start, which is all the stem-cell proponents are hoping for. When the right-to-life Repubs paint these rainbow-and-puppy-dog pictures of Schiavo one day leaping up and leading a normal life, they've apparently missed out on the irony that they've stood in the way of efforts that could speed the day that recovery becomes a reality.

Anyway, if I was the liberal version of Ann Coulter and thus more concerned with hyperbole and making outrageous statements than actually telling the truth, I'd probably say something like the Republicans don't want Terri Schiavo to have a peaceful, dignified death and they don't want her to recover from her injuries, so apparently all they want her to be able to do is sit there in a vegetative state unable to recognize or communicate with her family. Being a total bitch, I'd give the column a really snarky title like "If I Only Had a Brain!" or something. Since that isn't going to happen, though, I guess we'll just have to wait for Coulter's actual column, and when it hits tomorrow, I bet any of you guys fifty bucks that it both a) paints Democrats as cold-blooded killers and b) makes some sort of crack about how Terri Schiavo still has more higher brain function than [insert either "Ted Kennedy," "Bill Clinton" or "Maxine Waters" here]. 'Cause that Ann, she's so original and unpredictable! You just don't know what she's going to say next!

Feh. So that was the Terri Schiavo post. Hope you enjoyed it. Now I shan't ever speak of this case again, instead turning my attention to truly pressing matters like how the presence of Survivor's Rob and Amber on this season of "The Amazing Race" is totally ruining the show. Ruining it! Anybody want to give me a "word 'em up" on that?

The Coulter verdict: OK, I was wrong about one thing -- while Ann's column this week is indeed about Terri Schiavo, she manages not to make any brain-dead jokes about Ted Kennedy or Bill Clinton, which is about the most shocking thing I've seen all week. However, she couldn't help but refer to "the torture and murder" of Schiavo. Oh, now she cares about torture and murder! I guess one of the reasons right-wingers like that "compassionate conservatism" so much is that they can turn it on and off as it suits them.

Oh, and another thing: A much smarter Ann, the one over at Practically Harmless, has some information I didn't know about Terri Schiavo.