Living at home and desperately searching for work is, with all due respect to my fine parents, not quite where I'd hoped to end up at age 31. But there is something comforting about being back in the familiar, warm embrace of Columbus, Georgia, where most of the front license plates bear the UGA logo as opposed to Alabama or Auburn and the civic corruption has a lean, efficient air of professionalism that Birmingham just hasn't mastered yet. To some extent that warm embrace is kind of like the illusory feeling of warmth you get right before you fall asleep and die of hypothermia, but I'm going to try not to think about anything quite that morbid for the time being. Instead, it's time to take stock of my new (or at least certified pre-owned) surroundings and compare my home state to the other entity claiming its name: State of Georgia vs. Former Soviet Republic of Georgia. Lets git 'er done, or as they might say in Tbilisi, სამაგიეროს მისი გადახდა:
 (State of) Georgia |  (Republic of) Georgia | |
| Founded | January 2, 1788 | April 9, 1991 |
| WINNER: State | ||
| Land area | 59,425 sq. mi. | 26,916 sq. mi. |
| WINNER: State | ||
| Population | 9,685,744 | 4,260,000 |
| WINNER: State | ||
| Ever been invaded by Russia? | No | Yes |
| WINNER: State | ||
| Ever been dominated by Florida? | (sigh) Yes | No |
| WINNER: Republic | ||
| Folk hero |  Herschel Walker, Heisman Trophy winner |  Kakutsa Cholokashvili, leader of the guerrilla resistance against the Bolshevik regime in the 1920s |
| WINNER: Tie | ||
| Representative cuisine | Barbecue, chicken fingers, beer | Muzhuzhi, khinkali dumplings, homemade vodka |
| WINNER: State | ||
FINAL SCORE: State of Georgia 6, Republic of Georgia 2. Nothing against our namesake neighbors to the east, but this one wasn't really close.
5 comments:
Welcome home, Doug. Good luck with the job hunt. Have you ever been an assistant football coach? Might be some openings coming up soon. You never know.
I do have a question: How do we know about "the illusory feeling of warmth you get right before you fall asleep and die of hypothermia?" Who tells about it?
I don't know. I think you miscounted. Should be 5-1-1 according to my (Georgia-educated) math.
However, I have to question that tie. Cholokashvili might have been pretty awesome, but he didn't bring home a Heisman, did he? I didn't think so.
All that being said, the Republic of Georgia's 1 win (not being dominated by Florida) might actually outweigh all else. I think I could get used to some homemade vodka and khinkali dumplings.
I almost moved to Columbus, GA two years ago when I almost took a job at Georgia Southwestern State University in Americus, Georgia. Instead I'm in Milwaukee, WI but a very good friend of mine lives in Columbus and teaches at Columbus State University. So it can't be all that bad a place. But Americus was a little freaky.
Cholokashvili should get a bonus point for leading a guerrilla resistance with that ridiculous mustache.
If the Georgia license plates outnumber the Auburn ones in Columbus, then a lot has happened in the past thirty years. Well, by "a lot" I think I mean "Herschel".
In the '70s it was all Auburn from La Grange south, due in large part to geography, but Sullivan and "Punt, Bama, Punt" didn't hurt.
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