Thursday, November 19

The Friday Random Ten+5 gets its Kart on.

There's been a silver lining to getting laid off, and it is that I've had more time to devote to the things that I love -- writing, Georgia football, taking my dogs to the park, and, of course, Mario Kart. I don't like to brag, but I've gotten pretty good at it, enough that I'm starting to hunt for a way I can mention that particular skill on my résumé. And whenever they come out with a Mario Kart II or Super Mario Kart or whatever -- which I will almost certainly buy -- I've got some ideas for some new characters they could add. This week's +5 is Five New Characters That Would Be Awesome For Mario Kart, and I'm even offering them to Nintendo free of charge:

Baby Wario
I don't know why none of the evil characters have baby analogues. Lord knows I run across enough bratty-ass kids in Target or at the airport or whatever that there are models aplenty for such a character. Baby Wario's backstory is that after Wario captured Mario's castle and took all his coins in Super Mario Land, he went off to Vegas to celebrate and nailed a cocktail waitress at the Hard Rock Casino. Nine months later, she brought his bastard son to his door and said she refused to raise him. So Wario took his baby boy in and taught Baby Wario to be just as big a dick as he was. Now Baby Wario can throw things and throw tantrums in restaurants and never get in trouble, because, well, that appears to be how people are raising their kids these days.

Faggy Kong
The misfit cousin of Funky Kong (above) and Donkey Kong, who never quite fit in with the rest of the Kongs and went up to New York right after graduating from high school; currently working in a high-end hair salon in the Village. The funny thing is, with his cutoff shorts and wife-beater, Funky himself actually looks like a lot of the gay dudes you see rollerblading around Piedmont Park.

None of the female characters have "evil" versions like Wario or Waluigi. And Wapeach could be awesome -- you could basically take Princess Peach, dye her hair black (because in the world of cartoons or video games, any female who isn't blond is evil), give her a black leather biker/dominatrix outfit, stick a cigarette in her mouth, and there you go. And before long she's getting Mario to paint her apartment and make her car payments while she's getting with Wario on the side.

This was also Holly's brainchild: a female version of Bowser who nags him incessantly about his breath, his cleanliness, and his driving. I'd thinking she would be kind of like Ndnd, the wife of the emperor of Omicron Persei 8 on "Futurama." Well, maybe Ndnd crossed with Estelle Costanza.

Mouser was an actual character from Super Mario Bros. 2, a giant mouse who threw cherry bombs at Mario, who would have to throw them right back. Pretty easy to beat and kind of a little bitch, but whatever.

If anyone can come up with character PhotoShops that are better than the random pictures I've thrown up here, by all means, send 'em along.

And the Ten:

1. Pet Shop Boys, "Sail Away"
2. KRS-One, "2nd Quarter -- Free Throws"
3. Radio 4, "The Movies"
4. The Beastie Boys, "Intergalactic"
5. R.E.M., "Parakeet"
6. Underworld, "Shout Twice"
7. Billy Idol, "Dancing With Myself"
8. Groove Armada, "Your Song"
9. Orbital, "Style" (single version)
10. U2, "Love Is Blindness"

Your own Mario character ideas and Random Tens are, as always, welcome in the comments.


heybaxley said...

There will be Mario Kart at my wedding. Bring your steering wheel.

Holly said...

Doug Gillett, YOU'S A LIAR. (And it's spelled BowsHer.)

Edward said...

Well sir, I'll thrown a Random Ten at you:

1. Graham Parker, "Discovering Japan"
2. Ryan Adams, "Shakedown on 9th Street"
3. The Stratford 4, "Hydroplane"
4. Calexico, "Corona"
5. Nick Lowe, "I've Been taking the Truth Drug"
6. Hank Thompson, "My Front Door Is Open"
7. 16 Horsepoweer, "Straw Foot"
8. Mojo Nixon, "I Hate Banks"
9. Third World, "Now That We Found Love"
10. Mark O'Connor, "New Country"