Wednesday, April 2

A memo from the desk of Arnold T. Pants, Esq.:
Even saw the lights of the Goodyear blimp, and it read "Doug Gillett's a Pimp."

· I try not to do much blathering about my personal life on here, but man, yesterday was a good day -- the dogs didn't poop in their crates while I was at work; I went in to re-up my vehicle registration and the fee had gone down by nearly $60 compared to last year; at work, the deadline for a project that had been running way behind schedule got pushed back a month and a half. It was the kind of day that makes you wonder what a middle-class white-guy version of Ice Cube's "It Was a Good Day" would sound like. Obviously I had no opportunity to "feel on the big fat fanny" or "pull out the jammy," but hey, NBC's strike-postponed Thursday-night prime-time schedule resumes tonight, and that's good too, right? Isn't it?

Dogs didn't poop in their crates/Client delayed a project that was runnin' late/County lowered the fee that I had to pay/I gotta say it was a good day.

· As for Tuesday, it wasn't nearly as good, and a full day of frustration and disappointment was pretty much the reason I totally whiffed on an April Fool's Day post. Sorry, the well was just running dry that day, though I did manage to convince a female friend of mine here in Birmingham that I'd quit my job. She got mad at me for punking her and now I owe her a meal, but whatever.

Probably the most disappointing part of the day was that my long streak of pulling righteous April Fool's burns on my parents was broken -- my dad sent me a "Happy April Fool's Day!" text message at 8 a.m., which basically meant "Yes, we're well aware it's April 1st so don't even try any funny shit on us." An exchange ensued thusly:

ME: Darn. Your conscious recognition of this holiday makes it virtually impossible for me to punk you. And I was gonna tell you I'd gotten a girl pregnant, too.

DAD: To fall for that I would have to discount all the grousing about the inadequacies of your love life and the evidence of the sperm swimming across your eyeballs.

ME: Wow. That was graphic. Turning 73 has really loosened you up, hasn't it?

DAD: Old metaphor dating back to college days.

This was all taking place via text-message, mind. My family is not like other people's. (Pops really isn't 73, by the way; that was a jab at his 58th birthday, which we celebrated the last time I was home for a visit.)

None of this, however, stopped him from sending me an "OMG Hillary dropped out!" message shortly before 10 that evening. Bush league, Dad! Bush!

· Back on the topic of things white people like, Holly of Snarkastic has contributed a new chapter to EDSBS's ongoing field guide to various schools' fan bases with "Stuff Orange and White People Like," and in terms of sheer ingenuity and ability to amaze, it's the blog-post equivalent of Tennessee's wideout-option throwback play to LaMarcus Coker for a 56-yard touchdown in last year's Georgia-Tennessee NO NO FLASHBACK IT BURNS IT BURNS MUST BREAK PHIL FULMER'S KNEECAPS ARRGGGHHH. But seriously, it's packed with hilarity for both Tennessee fans and h8erz alike, and the only thing that gives me pause is that Holly (Vol fan) and Orson (Gator fan) are supposedly collaborating on a "Stuff Red and Black People Like" due out sometime in the next few weeks. Whatever, y'all, just keep it clean. And make sure you include Chan Gailey, 'cause we really do love that guy.

If Mark Richt has ice water running through his veins, Chan Gailey had Cream of Wheat.

· As for "Stuff Crimson and White People Like," I don't think they've done one of those yet, but when they do it needs to include "Spinning Bizarrely Complicated Conspiracy Theories About Something A Rival School Is Or Isn't Doing And Then Saying That Proves The Other School Is Obsessed And Paranoid." Senator Blutarsky explains.

· If I ever do actually quit my job, I've already found the next career path I want to shoot for: executive ass-preparation assistant to Gisele Bundchen. I don't even care what it pays.

As for Heidi Montag, Step 1 is "Put on bikini." Step 2 is "Close mouth." There is no Step 3.

· The Superficial also brings us the news of a really super important presidential endorsement. Josh, if Hugo Chavez smack-talking John McCain is enough to turn you into a McCain voter, then this has got to be enough to give you pause:

The New York Times recently called Heidi Montag a "feminist hero" for standing up to beau Spencer Pratt, but the Hills star, 21, isn't backing Hillary Clinton for president.

"I'm voting for John McCain," she tells Us Weekly in its latest issue, on newsstands now.

"I'm a Republican and McCain has a lot of experience," she explains.

Uh-huh. And with that, I think you all know what to do.


Universal REMONSTER said...

Funny post Doug.

Holly said...

Bless your heart; I'd blush if I knew how.

Kanu said...


FYI this dude has already come with the SR&BPL post:

It's good, but surely Swindle/Holly's will be even better.

Holly said...

I don't see any overlap (except for the red pants thing, natch), and yes, ours will be something to behold.

Will said...

I'm a bit worried now..
I love UGA and Athens, but I'll also admit we've had more than our share of asshats walk under the Arch. And they're usually loud and vocal.

Also, I think "The Hills" should now refer to Heidi's plastic surgeon's handiwork, and not the show. That's my one decree for today.

Josh said...

Ok, I've never seen "The Hills," and only know who this chick is because of the US Weekly covers at Kroger. However, I shall point out McCain has a truly talented hottie in his corner with Angie Harmon, so that has to come close to balancing shit out. Oh, and he has Rambo and Dirty Harry as well (the actors, not the characters).

Hefeweizen said...

Yeah, anyone who's serious about the state of the Americas should listen to what Chavez says and assume the opposite is true. An insane dictator doesn't like McCain? Then McCain must be doing something right.

Doug said...

This may or may not have been your intention, Josh, but if you're trying to argue who has the hotter celebrity endorsers, McCain or Obama, trust me, you don't want to play that game. Seriously.

In a related development, John McCain is apparently running with the Heidi Montag endorsement, calling her a "talented actress." I can't decide which one of those words offends me the most. Tell me, is this the kind of judgment you people want in the Oval Office?