Friday, April 4

The Friday Random Ten+5 DOES NOT WANT.

The other day, whilst communicating with Holly about the genius of her "Stuff Orange and White People Like" opus, I was duly warned that she and Orson Swindle of EDSBS were working on a follow-up about Red and Black People, i.e. me and my Georgia brethren. If you're thinking that nothing coming out of a collaboration between a Tennessee grad and a Florida grad could be all that affectionate toward Bulldog Nation, you would be right, and the sheer volume of bright-orange-tinted venom in which that upcoming post will almost surely be soaked is almost too scary to contemplate. I thought about heading them off at the pass with a "Stuff Red and Black People Like" of my own, but somebody already beat me to it.

Like all ripoff artists, though, I am nothing if not resourceful, so I'm flipping the script a little, and knocking out this week's +5 in the bargain: It's Five Things Red And Black People Don't Like. Trust me, this is a far more accurate portrait of the Georgia fan base than whatever those two dillwipes come up with.

Noon kickoffs
Ask the typical Georgia fan whether he’d rather a game start at noon or at 2 a.m., and he’ll pick the game that ends just as the sun is coming up. Why? Because noon kickoffs give you less time to get drunk. Yeah, the South Georgia fans love them because a game that ends at 4 p.m. lets ’em make it back to Cordele before bedtime, but the rest of us are seething about the fact that even if we get up, gear up, and get to Athens by 9 a.m., we still have only a couple hours to pound an entire six-pack before we have to start edging our way toward the stadium. Not only that, but a Natty Light following directly on the heels of a bowl of Cocoa Puffs is just . . . eeeugggh. We don’t care if it’s a gimme contest against some D-IAA scrub; give us until 3:30 p.m. and let us tailgate as God intended.

Michael Adams
Testy relationships between university presidents and their respective fan bases are probably a recurring leitmotif throughout most of Division I-A, but frequently that’s because the Top Egghead is seen as being aloof and apathetic toward all things athletic. At Georgia, we have the opposite problem: Our prez is a megalomaniacal meddler who just can’t keep from fucking with our sports and the way we choose to enjoy them. Mikey ungratefully forced the retirement of athletic director Vince Dooley, who, while not the Georgia football program’s George Washington, was almost certainly its FDR; against Dooley’s wishes, Adams had previously engineered the hiring of old buddy Jim Harrick as Georgia’s basketball coach, a move which could be described as sending UGA hoops back to the Stone Age if that wasn’t such an insult to the Stone Age. Even the fans are subject to Mikey’s micromanaging: His War on Booze resulted in alcohol-free “Family-Friendly Tailgate Zones,” which on a typical day make Wyoming look crowded and bustling, and an Orwellian attempt to strike the phrase “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” from Bulldog Nation’s lexicon, because cocktails are a gateway drug to marijuana and glue-sniffing and make the baby Jesus cry besides. No matter how bad your university president is, we’ll trade you, and even sweeten the deal with a case of Budweiser for your troubles.

Being underdressed
All the stereotypes you’ve heard about SEC chauvinism are true, and as the patricians riding high above the rest of college football’s plebeians, by golly, we’re gonna dress like it. That means collared shirts for the guys, even a necktie or two, and nice summer dresses for the ladies. And unlike the rest of the country, our fashion sense does not take a holiday as soon as the temperature drops. Yes, it was 38 degrees and drizzling at the kickoff of last year’s Michigan-Ohio State game, but God almighty, people, that’s no excuse to be walking around in sweatpants! Even the daintiest sorority girl on the UGA campus still has enough fortitude to face weather like that in a cocktail dress. Besides, you guzzle enough Jack Daniels and you can’t even feel the cold to begin with.

Little cars
God help the Georgia fan base when 2020 rolls around — that’s the year Corporate Average Fuel Economy standards are due to hit 35 mpg, and it may be the death knell for the fleets of Navigators, Yukons, Suburbans and Hummers that descend upon Athens each gameday. You can’t even get comfortable in a little car, much less tailgate out of one; if you want the true experience, you need to be tending your barbecue grill from the immediate vicinity of a Cadillac Escalade. Leave the econoboxes and hybrids to the art-school weirdos trying to escape the football crowds for a weekend; this is America, dammit.

Despite the fact that UGA is, generally speaking, a safer haven for liberalism than most Southern colleges probably are, the fan base as a whole still skews toward the conservative, the authority-respectin', and the law-abidin'. So it's kind of ironic that the vast majority of us harbor an almost Dead Kennedys-level mistrust of John Q. Law. For the most part, our experience with the police involves only a few select situations: getting pulled over for going just a few dozen over the speed limit on Ga. 316; being told we have to pour our beers out before we can stagger outside onto the sidewalk; being told we can't wander around in the street whilst tailgating; or the ultimate disgrace, having one of our beloved football players thrown in the pokey simply for driving his moped on a suspended license. It's bad enough you make us pour out precious booze when all we're trying to do is get in our cars and drive home, but when you start endangering our football players’ eligibility over petty traffic offenses, you've gone too far, Serpico. As a result, even the most straightlaced and conservative among us still harbor fantasies of a Hobbesian state of nature in which we are free to carry open containers outside as we stumble into the paths of football players driving the wrong way on their scooters. Incidentally, I'm fairly certain it's that same kind of rebellious spirit that results in bench-clearing end-zone celebrations.

Huzzah, huzzah. And now the Ten:

1. Sting, "Russians"
2. Bobby Womack, "Across 110th Street"
3. The Who, "Substitute"
4. Randy Newman, "Birmingham"
5. Fugees, "The Score"
6. DJ Shadow, "What Does Your Soul Look Like (Part 4)"
7. Johnny Cash, "The Long Black Veil"
8. Avenue Q cast, "Fantasies Come True"
9. Pearl Jam, "Daughter"
10. The Pixies, "Here Comes Your Man"

One last thing that Red and Black People don't like: thunderstorms when we're trying to tailgate. Unfortunately, it looks like that's precisely what we're in for as far as tomorrow's G-Day tailgate is concerned. So the plan is as follows: If the weather somehow manages to hold up, we'll set up shop on the north quad right in front of the Main Library, as scheduled. If it's pouring down rain, we'll fall back to the North Campus Parking Deck, gather a little bit before 11 a.m., and decide whether we want to tailgate in the deck or just say fuck it and find a bar downtown. If you're thinking you might attend, e-mail me and I can hook you up with my cell number so that we can all communicate. Whether or not the weather cooperates, I hope to see you there, if not for the tailgate then for the game. Happy weekend, and drive safe.


S.C. Ruffey said...

It would seem that the number one thing that Red and Black people don't like is Orange. By hating orange, the UGA fan can, in one fell swoop, hate Tennessee, Auburn, Florida, Miami, Clemson, Texas, Syracuse, and many others.

The ten:

1. "Buffalo Soldier" by Bob Marley
2. "King of the Mountain" by Kate Bush
3. "Tuff Enuff" by The Fabulous Thunderbirds
4. "Invaders" by Iron Maiden
5. "Roadblock" by Stan Ridgeway
6. "Travel in Stygian" by Iced Earth
7. "Armageddon Days" by The The
8. "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin
9. "Coalition to End Coalitions" by Hank Williams, Jr.
10. "Skating Away on the Thin Ice of a New Day" by Jethro Tull

Raleigh Urbain said...

"Patricians riding high above the rest of college football’s plebeians." Pure genius, sir. This is exactly what I think about each year in Jacksonville as I am awash in a sea of jorts, starter jackets, cut-off tees, zubaz pants and the like.

Anonymous said...

Come ON! You couldn't find a better picture to illustrate the Sanford Stadium dress code? You might as well have photoshopped UGA gear onto Michigan State fans! Surely you have some pictures of a southern belle in her Saturday's best and some guy in red pants?

NCT said...

I'll add:

Steve Spurrier - The ol' flame still burns bright, even after all these years.

Challenging Herschel's standing in the college football pantheon based on his pro career - I mean, so what? And besides, his pro stats aren't exactly embarrassing.

Mocking our NCAA championship tally based on the sports represented - Actually, this problem has decreased somewhat since Tech has now won their first - and only - NCAA championship. In women's tennis.

The "redneck" label - Frankly, there appears to be a sort of love-hate relationship with this reputation. We all know it's apt to a large degree. Plus, for every Moultrie girl weaning herself off of the peroxide and caked-on blue eye shadow as part of her effort to emulate a Manhattan socialite, there's a Westminster-educated son of a Fortune 500 executive hootin' and hollerin' in his F-350.

1. Original cast, Jesus Christ Superstar, "Superstar"
2. Chicago, "(I've Been) Searchin' So Long"
3. R.E.M., "Driver 8"
4. Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds, "Don't Pull Your Love"
5. Tori Amos, "She's Your Cocaine"
6. R.E.M., "Burning Down"
7. Tori Amos, "Doughnut Song"
8. Elvis Costello, "Veronica"
9. The Defranco Family Feat. Tony Defranco, "Heartbeat, It's a Lovebeat"
10. The Beatles, "I Want You (She's So Heavy)"

Universal REMONSTER said...

Have fun at the game. Drink something strong for me.

Kanu said...

Yes NCT, the glaring omission is most definitely Stephen Orr Spurrier. Your average Georgia fan HATES, HATES, HATES that dude a hell of a lot more than small cars or cops.

But of course, in the 90s, deep down inside, in a place we never talk about publicly, we all wished he was our coach.

Reed said...

I think the noon kickoff thing is pretty universal. Lloyd Carr and I were the last remaining holdouts. He lightened up, and I saw the light over the course of my travels this season.

I was totally impressed by the attire of Georgia fans at the Cocktail Party, and all the more surprised by the gift shops in Athens.

1.Hot Water Music, "It's All Related"
2.Andrew Bird, "Satisfied"
3.Mike Watt, "Liberty Calls"
4.Feist, "Past in Present"
5.Concrete Blonde, "Lullabye"
6.Nine Inch Nails, "Even Deeper"
7.Soundgarden, "Drawing Flies" (live version)
8.Tool, "Pushit"
9.Death Cab for Cutie, "Styrofoam Plates"
10.Richard Buckner, "A Goodbye Rye"

Holly said...

WTF is a dillwipe?

1. Ed Solo & Skool of Thought - When I Was A Yout' (Breaks mix)
2. The Alarm - Sixty Eight Guns
3. Mr No Hands vs Bassbin Twins - Adrenalin Limited
4. Culture Cruncher - Sloop Dee J
5. Mountain Goats - Get Lonely
6. Nico - I'll Keep It With Mine (Pocketknife's Odd Beauty remix)
7. Black Kids - I Wanna Be Your Limousine
8. Susanna Hoffs - We Close Our Eyes
9. Sea Wolf - I Made A Resolution
10. Lyle Lovett - If I Had A Boat

Doug said...

Eh, I didn't include Spurrier or the color orange because I figured they were understood. Kind of like if I was making a list of Stuff Republicans Don't Like, I wouldn't bother including "Michael Moore" or "poor people."

Anonymous said...


Steve Spurrier is a dillwipe. Especially if he has something orange on.

David said...

Mr. Sexchequer,

I just wanted to let you know of a little trick that we came up with in Ann Arbor to make the beer go down a bit easier so soon after the cocoa puffs. Instead of just milk, mix up a White Russian and pour that on your cereal. Hopefully, after your fourth helping, you won't really even taste the natty light that you are about to pound.

Keep up the excellent work, and Go Obama!

Holly said...

I don't think I want to be a dillwipe.

Will said...

What if we told you being a dillwipe comes with a nice totebag, and occasionally a gift basket?

Also, these weather developments are royally pissing me off. Going to a bar when you already purchased beer, while in a college town, is wrong to me on many levels.

Course I guess it's a sign I'm no longer in college that I'm not just saying "Damnit, I'll stand out there and drink, rain or not, thunder or not...what can lightning do to me?"

Sarah said...

When my bro was going to school in Ann Arbor, they eschewed cereal altogether and fired up the grill for brats, hot dogs and Molson Gold at 8 a.m.

Kanu said...

Got a ride to work this morning, so here's the late afternoon 10:

1. The Herbaliser, "Sensual Woman", from 'Very Mercenary" {and the "Snatch" Soundtrack}

2. Ginuwine, "Toe 2 Toe", from '100% Ginuwine'

3. Santana,"America", from 'Supernatural'

4. Nas, "On The Real", from 'Carry The Cross'

5. Average White Band, "Pick Up The Pieces", from 'The Swingers Soundtrack'

6. Mary J. Blige, "Sweet Thing", from 'What's The 411?'

7. Akon, "Look Me In My Eyes", from 'Konvicted'

8. Black Uhuru, "Party Next Door", from '20 Greatest Hits'

9. Sublime, "Work That We Do", from 'Robbin' The Hood'

10. The Herbaliser, "Theme From Control Centre", from 'Blow Your Headphones'

Y'all have a great weekend.

AK said...

If you Red and Black People haven’t used cocktails as a gateway drug to glue-sniffing, how do you explain the insistence on wearing gameday finery to the Landing, where it’s almost guaranteed to be spilled on, wrinkled, ripped, or trampled beneath the Reef-clad feet of ten thousand Gator fans?

It’s just not very smart, is all. But I guess that's to be expected, since you also don’t like being a first-tier university.

(Oh. That was mean, wasn’t it?)

DC Trojan said...

Re: mid-day kickoff for games... This is why I didn't belong in the SEC. I got up late, as God intended on a Saturday morning, grabbed a burger on the way to the Coliseum, had a beer or two during the game, and then either celebrated / drowned my sorrows afterwards.

The ten:

1) Super Furry Animals, "She's got spies"
2) State of Bengal, "Chittagong Chill"
3) Jane's Addiction, "1%"
4) Rancid, "Salvation"
5) Frank Sinatra and Count Basie, "I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter"
6) Violent Femmes, "Add it up"
7) The Specials, "Skinhead Symphony"
8) Blur, "It could be you"
9) The Cure, "Fight"
10) The Smiths, "The Queen is dead (live)"

NCT said...

Oh, ak. Part of the fun of wearing "gameday finery" is the understanding that, by the end of the day it will, in fact, be spilt upon, ripped, lost, and/or otherwise desecrated. It's part of the package.

And I must correct you. We thoroughly enjoy having a first-tier university.

AK said...

Since you’re too polite to do so, allow me to point out some actual flaws in my argument:

1. Every fabric dries faster than denim, so at least you don’t suffer any weird chafing from beer-soaked jorts.
2. At the Landing last year, I wore a dress and heels.
3. I have never had my clothing damaged beyond repair at the Landing, even the year I fell down and got trampled.
4. I am obviously extremely jealous of color schemes that make sense to sane people.

Meg said...

Fuck noon kick-offs. How am I supposed to get to four different tailgates by 11 am? Ugh.

NCT said...

Yes, ak, I imagine it's particularly difficult for a woman (or girl) to find satisfactorily stylish clothing consistent with UF's color scheme, particularly as fall progresses. I mean, I suppose those particular shades of blue and orange can be forced into something suitable for spring or summer, but by October, red and black are definitely much more doable.

As for having clothes ruined at the Landing, I really wasn't thinking about dresses. I was thinking more along the lines of that somewhat disturbing blotch of crust that mysteriously appears on a pair of black cords.

hmmmm said...

I just don't get it! A Big-10 fan as well as a 'Skins fan, I am used to the fact that one goes to the game dressed for comfort (warm, some fleece to keep one dry from rain/beer spills) and enjoyment of the game. Going to a 'Bama game, seeing all those jackets, ties, high heels, sun dresses, made me wonder if I accidently ended up at a tea party, or something. Say what?! This is a FOOTBALL game, not a social event!

Holly said...

This is a FOOTBALL game, not a social event!


NCT said...

Amen, Holly.

The phrase "by the grace of God" comes to mind.