Thursday, July 17

LSU preview: We're gonna win another Super Bowl, y'all!

By Britney Spears
Guest Columnist

Hi, everybody! I just want to say first of all I am SO EXCITED to be writing about LSU for you guys! See, LSU is like right down the road from my hometown of Kentwood, so they're kind of like our hometown team, and oh my God, we were SO THRILLED when they won the Super Bowl last year! I mean, not the SUPER BOWL Super Bowl, but, like, the Super Bowl of COLLEGE, you know what I mean?

Anyway, we are all SUPER-HUGE Tiger fans, and Jamie Lynn was even thinking about going there before, you know, other stuff kind of came up. (Have you seen her new baby? She's cute and everything, but not as cute as Sean or Jayden James. Now that I don't have custody of the two of them, Jamie Lynn's been getting all the attention, and she's been kind of milking it lately -- I may have to have another baby pretty soon, I don't know. Gotta show her who the REAL star in the family is!)

OK so anyway. The ONLY thing that everybody's been talking about is all this stuff with Ryan Perrilloux (if I have a daughter next that's TOTALLY what I'm naming her -- I mean, Ryan Perrilloux Spears, how adorable is that?), about how he's all messed up in the head and how LSU is totally screwed now that they only have two inexperienced quarterbacks to try and replace him. But that is SO unfair, because y'all, let me tell you something: When I told Kevin (A**HOLE) Federline I wanted a divorce, that was like the best thing that ever happened to me. He was a bad influence, I finally got him off my back and out of my life, and that freed me up to do all the things I love the most: I put out another album, I could spend time raisin' my kids, I could go to Starbucks whenever I wanted instead of having to worry about all his crap. It's like my song "Toxic": He was poison, and once I got him out of my system, everything was GREAT from there on out.

And that's just what LSU is like right now: They got out of a bad relationship with a LOSER -- I mean, he's at some D-IAA school in ALABAMA -- and they are so going to be better off for it. Like that one quarterback they have, Andrew Hatch? He transferred to LSU from Harvard. From HARVARD, y'all. So you know he's like super-smart and isn't going to be throwin' interceptions or getting sacked or whatever like Perrilloux did in the SEC championship game.

And have you seen all the other guys on their offense? They have a running back named Keeland (sp? these names are HARD!) Williams who can run 4.45 in the 40. I think that means he can go from 0 to 40 miles an hour in 4.45 seconds, and y'all, that is FAST. And there's ANOTHER guy named Trindon Holliday, who is only five foot five and y'all, that's only an inch taller than me, and he is ADORABLE!!! He's so small you can't hardly even tackle him, and he scored, like, a hundred touchdowns against Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl a couple years ago.

And what? The defense? Ummm . . . OK, I don't actually know anything about defense, y'all. I mean, how do you even figure out if a defense is good or not? It's just like, "Go out there and run into people and don't let them score any points!" And LSU's pretty good at that. They'll probably hold Georgia to, like, four points. That's pretty good, right? Or whatever.

Anyway, the point is LSU's gonna be awesome this year, and when I hear people talk about how it's going to be a "down year" and they've lost this player or that player, it makes me want to CRY, y'all. Like, did they not just SEE the Tigers win the College Super Bowl? And everybody makes fun of poor Les Miles because he's kind of weird and he wears big hats, but y'all, first of all, there is nothing wrong with wearing big hats. Second of all, everybody does crazy stuff sometimes and that doesn't mean they're bad people or dumb or whatever. Like, that time I shaved my head, everyone was like, "Oh my God Britney's CRAZY," and blah blah blah, but it got me all kinds of attention in the media, and THAT allowed me to bring attention to one of my most passionate causes, which is how the paparazzi gets in people's faces and ruins their lives, and how we should have the right to go after them with umbrellas or whatever we might have to hit them with. And it's the same thing with Les Miles. Him going for it and calling passes on fourth down and whatever, that's like his version of me shaving my head, and he doesn't do it 'cause he's CRAZY, he does it 'cause he knows something good's gonna come out of it, like winning the game or the College Super Bowl or whatever.

Punting is like wearing pants: Just 'cuz everyone SAYS you should do it doesn't mean you HAVE to, because this is a free country and besides, you can't score any points by punting. I mean, DUH!! I'm totally not a football expert but even I know that!

So anyway, to recap: LSU is awesome, our quarterback is going to be super-smart, Les Miles is a GENIUS and people just don't understand him. And Georgia's going to be good and everything, Mark Richt is SO CUTE, prolly even cuter than Les Miles, but that doesn't mean he's a better coach and they're playing the game in Baton Rouge so LSU wins.

So get ready for another College Super Bowl, y'all! I can't wait!

--Britney Spears is a seven-time Grammy Award nominee who has sold nearly 90 million albums worldwide, and who set a new UCLA Medical Center record this year for being placed on two separate 5150 involuntary psychiatric holds in the span of a single month. She is scheduled to release her next album early next year.

Next in line: He's issued controversial pronouncements on Hollywood, spirituality, dating, medicine, and seemingly everything in between -- and now he's got the inside dope on the Florida Gators. Don't go anywhere.


Anonymous said...

I wonder what Mike Patrick's doing with his life...

Universal Remonster said...

I left the computer for a second, came back, and now my cheetos have gone missing.

Reed said...

See, I thought you were going with James Carville on this one. I hope that finding your inner Brittany has not corrupted your soul.

Todd Jones said...

I nominate this right now for "funniest/best/whatever post of the year" in the next round of blogger awards. genius.