Showing posts with label the Alabama coaching saga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the Alabama coaching saga. Show all posts

Thursday, September 25

Release the houndstooth: the Alabama preview.



Hometown: Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

Last season: Started a lovely 6-2, then lost a heartbreaker at home to #3 LSU and kind of tanked it from there, finishing the regular season on an 0-4 schneid that included the seppuku-inducing loss to UL-Monroe; salvaged things somewhat with a 30-24 Independence Bowl win over Colorado.

The season thus far: Doing just fine, thanks, clobbering a then-top-10 Clemson team 34-10 in the opener and taking out a trifecta of tomato cans since then. (Yes, Arkansas, you are one of said cans. Don't shoot the messenger.) Currently sitting at #8 in the AP poll, #10 in the coaches'.

Hate index, 1 being Victoria's Secret ads, 10 being those Viagra ads with the insufferable “Viva Viagra” song: Seven, a slight bump up from last year's 6.75. I want to love you, Bama, what with my familial connection and your incredible history and your geographic proximity and whatnot, but dammit, every time I tune in to Finebaum and hear one of you talk about how Saban might be distantly related to Jesus Christ or how an Auburn team that's stolen your lunch money for six straight years is insanely, obsessively jealous of every last little thing about your program, I just want to strangle you, each and every last one of you. Or at least pour some sugar in your gas tank. Please, maintain a little perspective every now and then, and try not to refer to the #3 team in the country as “sitting ducks” in their own stadium, k thx.

Associated hottie: Cristin Duren represented first Alabama and then Florida in the Miss USA pageant, winning fourth runner-up in 2006; a former Alabama cheerleader, she earned her communications degree from UA in 2003, and got name-checked in this 2005 New York Times article about pharmaceutical companies raiding the ranks of ex-college cheerleaders for their sales force. All I can say is it's a good thing that article was written by a woman, because I've been around guys in a newsroom before, and I can just picture a big sweaty group of them going, “Ohh, yeah, dude, let's do an article about cheerleaders who become drug reps and then, like, wear short skirts and flirt with doctors and stuff. Heh-heh. Killer.” We journalists really are that disgusting.



Celebrity preview: Bill O'Reilly's Talking Points Memo discusses the 2008 Crimson Tide here.

What excites me: With the spectacular emergence of A.J. Green as a catch-anything wideout, Georgia will bring as balanced and complete an array of offensive skill talent to Sanford Stadium as they've had in decades. Certainly more complete than anything Alabama has faced this year; theoretically Clemson should've provided a reasonable facsimile of the offensive balance Georgia will bring to the table, but then Tommy Bowden showed why he's Tommy Bowden and gave a grand total of eight carries to C.J. Spiller and James Davis. Knowshon Moreno will have more than that in the first half alone, and if Bama's defensive front succeeds in bottling him up, that's just an excuse to go to A.J. Green through the air. As Todd mentioned in his half of the Georgia-Alabama roundtable earlier today, Alabama's secondary has been susceptible on occasion to missed assignments and/or blown coverages, and given that Matt Stafford is easily the most talented of the QBs the Tide have gone up against this year, that could spell trouble if either Green or Massaquoi are allowed to get open.

On the other side of the ball, Georgia's run defense is currently ranked #3 in the country, having allowed only 183 yards the entire season, at a rate of just under two yards per carry; in their last two games they've allowed only 22 net yards. Alabama will bring to Athens a backfield packed with potential game-breakers, as Glen Coffee, Mark Ingram, and Roy Upchurch have all averaged more than six yards a carry this season, but those statistics might be a tad bit inflated by a neverending series of lengthy TD runs hurled against Arkansas's hapless defense. Incidentally, the four run defenses Alabama has faced have been ranked 44th, 16th, 78th, and 94th in D-IA, so while Georgia shouldn't expect to shut down the Alabama attack entirely, they certainly stand a better chance than anyone else has so far this season.

And if they can merely slow down that attack enough, they may be able to force the Tide to rely more heavily on a passing attack that hasn't been asked to do a whole lot the first four games. Bama's offense has been biased toward the run by more than a three-to-two margin (160 rushes to 101 passes), and while John Parker Wilson has been completing passes at a rate of just under 60 percent, his per-game average is only 135.5 yards on 14 completions. Alabama's passing attack currently sits at 106th in the nation, and I don't know how long they can continue to take it that easy on Wilson. He's become well-known for making some dramatically bad decisions under pressure, and if Georgia can pick off one or two of his passes — they didn't get any last year — that'll change the tenor of the ballgame considerably.


Rough game? Awwww, someone needs a hug.

What worries me: Will Georgia be able to get to JPW, though? They took Rudy Carpenter down four times last week, and looked pretty tough doing it, but Alabama's offensive line — currently tied for 38th in the nation in sacks allowed — is going to be the stoutest wall we've faced all year. Obviously, they've also done a pretty good job opening up some Mack-truck-sized running lanes. Georgia's run defense has been dominant against what could charitably be described as a series of lesser rushing attacks, but other than that we've struggled to control the line of scrimmage, and it's not going to get any easier against the Tide.

Bama's front seven, too, has done a pretty good job of controlling the trenches, which is particularly surprising given what a mess their linebacking corps looked like after the departure of two starters and the public embarrassment of the Jimmy Johns situation in the spring. Their run defense isn't far behind Georgia's at #8 in Division I-A (#3 versus #8 — that's an interesting coincidence), and if you're still having acid flashbacks of the way South Carolina contained Knowshon Moreno a few weeks ago, you're not gonna like the fact that Alabama is currently allowing fewer than half the rushing yards per game that the Gamecocks are. Again, Bama's ability to contain Knowshon has a lot to do with how much we force them to respect the passing game, but there's no way 'Shon's going to have an easy day.


Ergghh . . . little too much of the wrong shade of red in this picture.

Of all the players on Alabama's roster, though, the most dangerous might be Javier Arenas, the DB/PR/KR who's averaging 26.3 yards per kickoff return (he also has a punt return for a TD against Tulane). It's not exactly a state secret that Georgia's kick coverage has been lacking this season, particularly against KOs; last week, for instance, Georgia's average kickoff resulted in the Sun Devils starting at their own 31. Considering that we have yet to demonstrate a consistent ability to land kickoffs within 10 yards of the end zone, there's an unpleasantly high likelihood that Alabama will be starting a lot of drives closer to the 40 than the 20, and that's not the kind of freebie we need to be handing a team who can expect a nearly six-yard gain every time one of their running backs touches the ball.

Player who needs to step up: C Ben Jones. Howdy, freshman! Welcome to Georgia, in case I haven't had the chance to tell you that yet. Nice job against Arizona State, by the way — couldn't have been easy making your first start in the middle of a freaking desert. Well, guess what: Your reward is another start back home in the friendly confines of Sanford Stadium, where you'll be tasked with defending Matt Stafford's life and limb from . . . Alabama nose tackle Terrence Cody, a dreadlocked Denali of a human being who outweighs you by at least 60 pounds (give or take a Big Mac). No joke, he's 6'5”, 370 pounds when his stomach's completely empty; if you're of an age where you can remember Unicron from the “Transformers” cartoon series, you have an idea what this guy looks like and what he's capable of. How about we set some manageable goals for this weekend — just start off with keeping Stafford and Moreno out of the ICU, and we'll go from there.


Another planet consumed whole . . . just another day at the office.

What I think will happen: Am I nervous? Well, yeah. This is the biggest game that's been played at Sanford Stadium in quite a while — only the ninth meeting of top-10 teams between the hedges, as hard as that is to believe — and a prime demonstration of how the tune-up part of Georgia's schedule is well and truly over. Better get as much relaxation in on the bye weeks as you can, people, because literally every team remaining on the slate is an upset risk. And Alabama, thought by most in the preseason to be a good-but-still-not-great team shooting for eight wins and maybe a Peach Bowl, now has every reason to think they can make Georgia a notch on their belt on their way to representing the West Division in the conference-title game. Maybe a few months ago, we were hoping that Alabama would come into this one with a “Let's just play 'em close and set ourselves up for 2009” kind of attitude, but they're way past that now.

Georgia does, however, have an ace in the hole in terms of intangibles in this game, and I'm not talking about the Blackout: It is that Georgia has been battle-tested this season and Alabama hasn't. After a couple of get-the-kinks-out games in weeks 1 and 2, Georgia went on the road and won a major gut-check game against one of the SEC's most experienced defenses in the stifling crucible of Williams-Brice Stadium; the very next week they flew 2,000 miles and dominated a totally unfamiliar opponent in a game where the ambient temperature at kickoff was near the triple digits. Alabama, again, was supposed to get a major early challenge from Clemson in the Georgia Dome, but even Alabama fans are admitting that most of Clemson's roster packed it in before halftime; their only other game away from Tuscaloosa was an admittedly dominant victory over an Arkansas squad that could very well go winless in conference play this year. This isn't meant as a knock on Alabama's toughness — I'm certainly not about to give anybody any “man enough” bulletin-board material — but Georgia has proven they can pull out a crucial win in trying circumstances when the opponent isn't giving them anything for free. As good as Alabama is, I'm just not sure they've done that yet.


I mean, let's be honest with ourselves -- is making Tommy Bowden look silly that hard?

I think that's particularly relevant as it pertains to John Parker Wilson. As Senator Blutarsky explains, given that both teams bring awesome running backs but also smothering run defenses to the table, there's a good chance the running games may "cancel each other out" and create a situation where the passing attacks, not Knowshon Moreno or Glen Coffee, are what win or lose the game. I think even Bama diehards will admit that that kind of situation breaks in Matt Stafford's, and Georgia's, favor. John Parker Wilson has mostly been very efficient and mistake-free through the first four games of 2008, and kudos are due to Tide offensive coordinator Jim McElwain — JPW's third OC in as many years — for successfully implementing a game plan that plays to Wilson's strengths and doesn't force him to put the entire game on his back. Another way of looking at it, though, is that JPW has been more sheltered from actual challenges than anyone this side of Sarah Palin. (OK, that was uncalled-for political content in a sports post, and I apologize. Don't e-mail me.) Wilson has attempted 94 passes this season, which isn't a shockingly low number, but they've mostly short, low-risk throws — his average yards per attempt (5.77) is more than three yards shorter than Matt Stafford's. Quite simply, he hasn't been asked to do much so far this year, and the Dawg defense needs to ratchet up the pressure a few notches.

That doesn't necessarily mean sacks, something that the Georgia front seven has been only intermittently good at this year. What Georgia needs to do is stack the box, contain the run and the short passing game, and trust their corners to make plays in one-on-one coverage. Alabama's receivers are good, but like their QB, they haven't been asked to do too much — their leading receiver in terms of number of catches is tight end Nick Walker (12 catches for 102 yards), while Julio Jones, the freshman phenom to whom everyone's been comparing A.J. Green all week long, is only averaging 12 yards per catch (compared to Green's 18.8). I know Georgia fans have been antsy about our pass coverage ever since entire geologic eras were taken off the collective life span of Bulldog Nation during the flag-riddled fourth quarter against South Carolina, but for all the cardiac events that took place in that game, it's important to remember that the Gamecocks came out of it with only seven points. Given that Alabama has yet to prove they're substantially superior to USC on either the quarterback or the receiving side of that equation, I think Asher Allen and Bryan Evans should be trusted to make the plays they need to make until further notice.

The last piece of the puzzle, of course, is keeping Matt Stafford upright enough to make that vertical passing game work, and that's probably my biggest worry going into this weekend; I don't think there's any way to avoid putting two guys on Terrence Cody for pretty much the entire night, for example. And I'd be lying if I denied that I'm unnerved by certain aspects of the Alabama-Clemson game, in which Clemson's dirty little secret -- to wit, the weakness of their interior O-line -- was laid bare for all the world to see. I don't think it's unfair to say that Mark Richt is a far better coach than Tommy Bowden, though, and Stacy Searels has done a mind-blowing job of making the best of suboptimal personnel situations in his first 17 games as Georgia's O-line coach. Early last year, for example, we were fairly successful in game-planning around a young and un-gelled offensive line by giving Stafford a lot of quick-release plays, with Knowshon proving himself to be a sneaky receiving threat out of the backfield; we can now add to that Israel Troupe, with whom I think we've only scratched the surface in terms of his playmaking ability, and even Tripp Chandler appeared as though he might be re-learning how to catch passes in Tempe last week.


I can only hope Nick Saban doesn't leave him horribly disfigured in an arson fire, after which point he has a psychotic break, etc. etc. etc. . . .

So what we're looking at, I think, are a couple of slow, deliberate-moving offenses and a lot of field goals, at least in the early going. Maybe Georgia pulls ahead with a long pass play at some point -- I found out this morning that Arkansas actually had more yardage than Alabama at halftime last week, and though he threw three picks, Casey Dick had what was for him a decent game yardage-wise, so there will be deep-ball opportunities if Stafford can spot them. Even if the Stafford-Green hookup does manage one long bomb early, though, I think this one still goes down to the wire, as Alabama is likely to enjoy pretty good field position most of the night and has the kind of power running attack that can keep Georgia's defense on the field and wear them down over time. The seven-point spread, I think, is generous, but if Georgia can carry a lead into the fourth quarter and put Alabama in a position late where John Parker Wilson has to become the hero, then we can come out of this with a very close win in what should be not only the best game of the weekend but one of the most exciting games of the year.

If you're trash-talking: Jean-Georges Therrinault, HJS's official trash-talk sommelier, recommends that you start off with a mild "scoreboard," a reference to Georgia's overtime win last year, followed by robust recollections of the last three games in the series (26-23, 37-23, 27-25, all Georgia wins). Should a Tide fan make the excuse that Nick Saban was the coach for only one of those losses, and it was his first year in Tuscaloosa, progress to a tart, insouciant reminder that Saban had his derriere handed to him in a 45-16 loss the last time he ventured to Sanford Stadium. And if their palates remain unsatisfied by those selections, serve them a bitter 2007 Chateau Louisiana-Monroe and send them on their way.

Why you should root for Georgia even if you don't care about this game: If you're an SEC fan, you should favor any outcome that precludes Alabama fans from talking about how Nick Saban is the second coming of Bear Bryant and how they're going to need to have some extra fingers surgically attached to make room for a 13th national-championship ring, if only for one week. Even if you're outside the SEC, you should want good, kind-hearted, takes-his-players-on-mission-trips-to-Third-World-Countries Mark Richt to rise victorious over evil, surly, makes-secretaries-cry-for-no-reason Nick Saban. This is good-vs.-evil, kids, freedom-vs.-tyranny, Jedi-vs.-the-Empire, it doesn't get much simpler than that -- and just because we're wearing black doesn't mean we're not the good guys.


Figs. (1)-(4): good guys wearing black.

I will run up and down Highland Avenue in front of my apartment building wearing nothing but a Georgia flag if: Georgia covers the TD and there's a tribute to Larry Munson somewhere on the Bulldogs' uniforms. Between an incredibly hectic schedule in terms of both work- and non-work-related writing and a lingering head cold that's got me feeling just shitty enough I may not make it to Athens for tailgating this weekend after all, I still haven't gotten around to writing about Larry Munson's sudden retirement, and I hope to get to that in the next few days -- but in the meantime, it'd be nice to see Georgia give him his due, not only with some kind of JumboTron video but maybe also with helmet stickers kind of like the ones they did for Erk Russell a couple years back. Larry's not dead, thank God, but we clobbered South Carolina 18-0 wearing those "ERK" stickers, so maybe an "LM" decal, combined with the Blackout, will be just the good-luck charms we need to win decisively on Saturday.

Before anyone asks: No, I would never let a head cold keep me from the game. If I actually had tickets, you wouldn't be able to keep me out of the stadium even with the Hantavirus or a massive open head wound. Not being able to pony up four or five hundred dollars for a ticket, I was planning on going just to tailgate, but my official injury-report status is now listed as "questionable"; the coaching staff hopes to make a final decision by noon tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 30

Radio Free T-Town.



[Bumper: Bush's "Machinehead," fade out]

PAUL FINEBAUM: Back with hour two of the show here this afternoon, where we've been talking about what I think, by any definition, has been a banner month for Nick Saban's Alabama football program. First we had another epic turnout at the A-Day Game, followed last week by Saban singlehandedly revolutionizing college recruiting with his -- did you even know you could talk to someone over the Internet? [pause] No, I know e-mail and instant-message and all that stuff, but did you know you could talk to someone and see their face live on camera, and they could talk to you and see yours? How'd he figure out how to do that? [pause] It's called 'videoconferencing'? Has anybody ever done this before? [pause] No? Well, so not only did Nick Saban invent a way to talk to someone live over the Internet, so far there's been no conclusive evidence that he didn't invent the Internet to begin with. I mean, all due respect to our former vice-president Al Gore, but let's give credit where credit is due.

All right. But now we're gonna get into this press conference he had today, just the usual briefing, you know, spring practice and all that, and maybe some of you have heard this clip already, but I'm gonna go ahead and play it again -- Kerry, run the clip from Saban's press conference.



NICK SABAN: . . . starting to come together OK -- you know, we're looking for playmakers on the offensive line, first of all, and Marlon Davis had a good day, Andre had a good day, but nobody's at a point now where they can just rest on their laurels and assume they're gonna start. A'ight? This is a long process, and I've told them that, and --

[audible passing of gas]

SABAN: -- we didn't do well enough on these fundamentals last year that just anybody's gonna get a pass. We've got a quarterback to protect and some running backs that we can't just leave out there to dry . . .


FINEBAUM: Everybody hear that? Nick Saban cut one in a press conference and just kept right on going. Like it -- like it didn't even happen! Can you imagine this going on at any other school? I mean, can you picture any other coach in the nation, standing up there, on the firing line, all these reporters pointing their microphones and their recorders at you, and you fart and don't miss a single beat? Up until now we'd just been conditioned to expect that if a coach had to let one loose up there, he'd be a gentleman about it, hold it in until the end of the conference, or maybe do that thing where you kind of clench your butt so that you only let a little bit out at a time, not enough to make an audible sound -- Nick Saban doesn't care about that. I mean, this is a no-nonsense guy: He's gonna give you what he's gonna give you, and if that's a fart in a press conference, then there you go. And some people are gonna complain about this, but what they don't get is that Nick Saban is just not going to be kept inside their box. He's not going to be bound by that. And that's why this team has such a bright future ahead of it.

Danny from Oak Grove, you're on with the Paul Finebaum Radio Network. How are you today, sir?

DANNY: I'm great, Paul, how are you?

FINEBAUM: I'm excellent, Danny, thank you.

DANNY: Well, Paul, I just want to say I agree with everything you said. For him to cut one like that and not get flustered, or even pause in what he was sayin' -- that's what we need in a coach, Paul. That's the kind of courage, or composure, or whatever you wanna call it that's gonna win us some games.

FINEBAUM: You're exactly right, Danny --

DANNY: Has anyone ever done somethin' like that before?

FINEBAUM: I'm sorry? You mean fart in a press conference?

DANNY: Yeah.

FINEBAUM: That's a good question, Danny, that's an excellent question, and I don't know the answer to that. We'll get our staff folks working on some tapes, and listeners, if you have any knowledge of that or if you can answer Danny's question, by all means, call in.

DANNY: Thanks, Paul.

FINEBAUM: Thank you, Danny. Robert in McCalla, how are you today, sir?

ROBERT: Wonderful, Paul, I gotta ask you, were you at that press conference?

FINEBAUM: Was I physically there? No sir, I didn't make it to that one.

ROBERT: Well, I was there, just kind of got to listen in for a while, and I got to smell the fart that Coach Saban cut . . .

FINEBAUM: No kiddin'. How was it?

ROBERT: Paul, I can honestly say I have never smelled a fart quite like it. It was kind of like fresh-baked bread --

FINEBAUM: Really!

ROBERT: Yeah -- like garlic bread, I guess I should say, it was a fart and all, but still, as farts go, it was pretty impressive.

FINEBAUM: And what's interesting is that they say people like the smell of their own farts but hate other people's -- but you're saying this one was nice? How'd the rest of the room react to it?

ROBERT: Well, they all looked like they liked it all right -- I saw a few people sniffin' the air, like they knew somethin' was different, and none of them looked disgusted or anything like that, so . . .

FINEBAUM: You know, I'd be interested in finding out what you've got to put in your diet to make your farts smell like fresh-baked bread. I'm assuming Nick Saban isn't on some macrobiotic diet or having organic food flown in from California or something like that, so whatever he eats is something any of the rest of us can get at the Publix anytime we want, but how does he do it? How has he been able to figure out something that no coach -- to the best of our knowledge -- has been able to do? And again, you're seeing this investment from Mal Moore pay off in ways nobody could've foreseen back in 2007. When you're willing to make a brave move, and you're willing to shell out some money for a top-flight coach, you get farts that smell like fresh bread.

ROBERT: Absolutely, Paul, couldn't have said it better. Love your show.

FINEBAUM: Thanks, Robert. Jerry from Pelham is next. What's going on, Jerry.

JERRY: Hi, Paul, good to be on your show -- been listening for a long time and this is the first time I've called in, so I'm excited to be on today.

FINEBAUM: Glad to have you. What's on your mind?

JERRY: Well, I was thinkin' about how this sets us up for --

FINEBAUM: You're talking about Coach Saban's passing gas, now.

JERRY: -- yessir, I was thinkin' about how that might set us up for a big season but then also a big recruiting year in oh-nine, because even though this has happened pretty early in that recruiting process, I gotta think that there are kids all over the Southeast or even the country who are gonna see that clip or hear that gas and think, 'That's a guy who doesn't care about puttin' on appearances or tellin' the press or anybody what they want to hear, that's a guy who just cares about winnin'.' But I was wonderin' whether you thought that might come into play, so I'll hang up and listen.

FINEBAUM: Yes, Jerry, and I think that's an excellent point, because the personality of a coach has so much to do with the decision that a kid makes when he's coming out of high school. And I would bet there are more than a few kids who are gonna see this tape and be impressed with the fact that his mind was more on the team and how they were doing than on trying to hold in his gas and come off as pretty for the TV cameras. I mean, you can look at it this way -- a kid's got the choice between Nick Saban, national-title winner, coached at the NFL level, not afraid to cut one at a press conference, or Joe Schmoe, no NFL experience, standing up there grimacing and clenching his teeth so that he won't let out any flatulence, just so that everyone will think he's all nice and proper and no one's gonna go, 'Oh, so-and-so farted in a press conference' in their newspaper article. Who do you think that kid's gonna pick? [pause] I mean, I know who I'd pick, I can't speak for anyone else, but yeah, I think that is gonna make a difference, and that's an excellent point to make. Glad you brought that up, Jerry. George in Birmingham, you're up next on the Paul Finebaum Radio Network.

GEORGE: Yeah, Paul, you asked whether anyone had done anything like this before, and you and all the Bama fans are acting like this is the first time it's happened, but heck, Tommy Tuberville burped in a press conference right before the Auburn-Ole Miss game two years ago! --

FINEBAUM: I'm sorry, George, he burped?

GEORGE: Yeah, I remember it clearly, he was doing his Friday press conference and it was right after lunch, I guess, and he burped. Maybe tried to hold it in a little, but he --

FINEBAUM: Now, I don't doubt your story, George, I'm sure that happened, but do you really think that that's on a par with Saban farting in front of a room full of reporters and TV cameras?

GEORGE: It's gas, isn't it, Paul?

FINEBAUM: Sure, it's gas, but do you really honestly believe that a belch is comparable with a -- with flatulence?

GEORGE: One comes out the mouth, Paul, one comes out the other end, it's the same --

FINEBAUM: See, right there, you've proven my point. Go back to that rhyme everyone learned in elementary school: 'Pardon me for burping, it wasn't very smart, but if it'd come out the other end, it would've been a fart.' Even as kids we know that a fart and a belch are on two different levels.

GEORGE: Paul, you're giving Saban all this credit for something that happened during spring practice! Tuberville burped during the season, the Friday before a game, and you're just acting like it's no big deal! You think Tuberville wasn't standing before a whole bunch more cameras and news reporters than --

FINEBAUM: Lemme ask you this, George, how'd Auburn do in that game?

GEORGE: In the Ole Miss game?

FINEBAUM: Yeah. You remember what the score was?

GEORGE: [pause] I know Auburn won.

FINEBAUM: Uh-huh. But you remember by how much? [pause] We're looking it up right now, and I believe -- yeah, they're telling me 23-17 was the final score in that one. A top-ten Auburn team, playing a godawful Ed Orgeron Ole Miss team, and they won by six points. That's what that burp got you, George. You may think it's comparable to Saban farting on stage, but that's all that got you, was a six-point win over maybe the worst team in the SEC.

GEORGE: And what's that fart gonna get Alabama, another loss to Monroe? Another trip to Shreveport for a bowl game?

FINEBAUM: George, did you listen to the clip? I mean, I'm wondering if we even heard the same fart. You're apparently an Auburn fan, and that's fine, but I don't see how anybody could hear or smell that fart and not be impressed by it. And I'll tell you something, George, any coach in the SEC, whether it's Tuberville or Les Miles or Richt or anyone else, they just dismiss this fart as no big deal and it's gonna come back to haunt them. I mean, it may be too early to say just yet, but that little bit of gas that he passed may have upset the balance of power in the Southeastern Conference.

GEORGE: [audible sigh] Well, Paul, I enjoy listenin' to your show, even when it's about Bama, but I think we're gonna just have to agree to disagree on this one.

FINEBAUM: Well, that's fine, and I do appreciate the call, but I'm stickin' to my guns here, that fart could make a lot of people look real stupid by the time the 2008 season is over. And Nick Saban ain't gonna be one of them.

[Bumper: Bush's "Machinehead," fade in]

FINEBAUM: Coming up after the break, we'll take some more of your calls and let you weigh in on Nick Saban's effluviation, plus in the next half-hour we'll have Kevin Scarbinsky from the Birmingham News on to talk about it and -- you know what, Kerry, what that guy said about the fresh-baked bread thing, I wonder if that means Coach Saban's feces might actually not stink. We'll ask Kevin Scarbinsky about it, take your calls, and a whole lot more, after this.

[Bumper: Bush's "Machinehead," fade out]

[CUE PANTS STORE AD, 0:30]




(Thanks to Stanley for helping to provide the inspiration for this crap.)

Monday, September 24

I'm kind of shy and dry and verging on ugly, they wonder what that I have got that they have not . . .


142-Z-Takeoff: It's what's for dinner.

As we were walking down the aisle of section NN at Bryant-Denny Stadium Saturday, exhausted but smiling after Georgia's overtime victory over Alabama, I said to my friend Kristen who had come down from Maryland for the game, "The over-under on the first Alabama fan to begin publicly doubting whether Nick Saban is worth all that money they're paying him: 5:35 p.m. tomorrow."

Turns out it was a sucker's bet from the start. In the "Instant Sound Off" section of the Birmingham News this morning, Tom O'Fallon of Trussville writes:

I'm writing about the Sound Off letter in Friday's paper informing us that Nick Saban is worth every penny of $4 million after last week's win over Arkansas. The writer obviously knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing. After Saturday's abysmal showing, how much does Saban owe the school in the form of a refund?


Ahh, yes -- the unforgettable moment at which the rabid college-football fan's eyes flutter open and he rolls over and discovers that the chick who's been in bed with him all night is not quite who she seemed with the beer goggles on at 2 a.m. I'm not saying Saban is the equivalent of some coyote-ugly skank, but Tide Nation would've had us believe for the past nine months that he was a Voltron formation of Melissa Theuriau, '60s-era Sophia Loren, and the last twelve Playmates. Sorry, guys, but he's really not that much hotter than any of the rest of 'em.


"No, you have the best hair in the SEC. I really mean that."

And that, I think, is the most satisfying part of Georgia's win -- the fact that the Great Alabama-Wide Nick Saban Fellati-O-Rama has been quieted down a little, for the next week, at least. You Dawg fans who are comfortably ensconced in your suburban-Atlanta environs and get a regular diet of Buck Belue rather than Paul Finebaum can't quite understand this, but the level of Saban-worship in my neck of the woods has been fucking unreal; I don't even know that "worship" covers it, exactly, because some of these folks talk about Saban in ways that they don't even talk about Jesus. The merest hint that Saban's kind of a dick, or that even he can't recreate the kind of dynasty that Bear Bryant did, gets you flamed as an idiot or worse on message boards and call-in programs all across the state. I'm quite confident that whatever radio silence we're experiencing from those folks right now is only temporary, but as a Dawg fan, all that matters is this: For the next 360-something days, I and the rest of the Georgia partisans stationed behind enemy lines in the B-hizzy are officially immune to any smack talk. Huzzah!

That was the most satisfying thing about Saturday night for me, because honestly, I don't think we played all that great. The dropped passes of 2006 are continuing in earnest; how Tripp Chandler could have thus far failed to make use of Martrez Milner's '06 season as a cautionary tale is an absolute mystery to me. As a result, the passing game is kind of like an '87 Jaguar XJ6: a sight to behold when it's running properly, but when it's not, it could very well end up leaving you stranded and crying in some Southeastern city you realize you really don't want to be in. The defense got some nice stops throughout the game, but not enough to keep Alabama from erasing two separate 10-point deficits. And there's a killer instinct that we had in, say, 2002 and 2003 that we just haven't quite recreated yet. You have never seen a grown man closer to tears than I was about five minutes into the second half Saturday night, after Georgia recovered a muffed KO return in Bama territory and returned a punt to the 45 on their first two drives, yet somehow Alabama was the only one who came out of that stretch with any points.


Trust me, this only looks like a sure thing.

But I'm done bitching about it, because seriously, if you can play sorta-crappy and still beat the #16 team in the country in front of 91,000 screaming Tuscaloosans who want. You. Dead, then you must be doing something right, mustn't you? And I'd certainly rather win nine ugly games than go 6-6 pretty. If you play in the SEC, nothing is handed to you on a silver platter, certainly not points, and winning ugly is something you just have to accept not as a bug but as a feature. I know every fan in the SEC wants to win their gimme games 70-0 and beat their big rivals by at least two TDs, but the biggest test of a team's character comes when a) things that usually go right for them aren't necessarily going right and/or b) when a rival you supposedly had dead to rights has suddenly leaped right back into the game. Alabama passed that test of character two games ago when they managed to beat Arkansas despite pissing away a 21-point lead, and Georgia passed it in Tuscaloosa on Saturday.

Even though Alabama was probably slightly overvalued coming into this one, it still qualifies as a big win for Georgia, one that they really needed. It may not be pretty when we go up to Knoxville in a couple weeks, or when we face Tech at the end of the season, or even when we host Ole Miss this coming Saturday, but in a weird way, it does feel good to know that even if things get ugly, we've still got a chance.

So all in all, a pretty good Saturday, no?


We goin' to Sizzler!

Elsewhere in the land of the free:

· Now that I've bagged on Tide Nation a little bit, let me backtrack and say that I had an absolute blast in T-Town on Saturday, and were treated respectfully by the vast majority of Bama fans we ran across. Roll Bama Roll contributor Joel opened his blessedly air-conditioned apartment to Kristen and me Saturday afternoon, and his family members even gave up seats on the couch for us; rather than wonder how two Georgia fans had ended up in the Alabama section, the guy sitting next to us marveled approvingly at how many Georgia fans had managed to invade Tuscaloosa for the day.

And as someone who had never actually gotten to see a game in Bryant-Denny before, I was amazed at the stadium and the improvements made to it over the last few years; that place has become a palace on a par with any NFL stadium I've ever been to. The new north facade is gorgeous, the skyboxes are incredible, and I'm jealous of the jumbotron screens in both corners of the north end zone. And the place is loud -- louder than Jordan-Hare, louder even than Neyland, at least in my limited experience. I'm kind of glad our offense got a little baptism-by-fire there on Saturday, because if they can handle themselves with composure in an environment that loud, they have a right to be confident anywhere else they go. Big ups to the Bama fans for making life that difficult for the opposing team; I wish we could make Sanford that loud on a regular basis.


Never ran into these two, though -- and I gotta say I'm a little disappointed.

· Since Georgia had to sit by and watch as their shot at beating Florida in 2005 went up in smoke with an ill-timed D.J. Shockley ankle injury, I think it's only fair that God find a way to knock Tim Tebow out for a week or two next month. While the Gator defense fucked around for a few quarters and let Ole Miss's cadaverous offense look strangely competent, Teebs piled the team on his back and supplied four TDs and 427 total yards -- 166 of which came rushing, meaning that Tebow outrushed four SEC teams on Saturday and came within 7 yards of Darren McFadden's total against Kentucky's not-exactly-monolithic front seven. Come on, God, you don't have to mess up the kid's ankle -- just give him a busted pinky or avian flu or projectile diarrhea or something. Can you not let us catch one lousy fricking break in this rivalry? Please?

· Here's a hypothetical situation for you to play around with: Notre Dame vs. Louisville at a neutral site. The Irish "offense" vs. the Cardinal "defense." What's the final score?

· Then again, Notre Dame did move solidly into positive rushing yardage -- and actually scored not one but two offensive touchdowns -- in their loss to Michigan State on Saturday. But it almost seems like Notre Dame fans are issued a sheet of talking points each week by the same central information clearinghouse that supplies talking points to Republican TV and radio commentators, because the rationales that they've used to convince the rest of us that Irish football isn't going completely down the shitter seem strikingly similar from person to person, particularly the defenses of QB Jimmy Clausen. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard these two things in the past few weeks: "He's poised" and "He gets up after every hit." Here's an activity for y'all to do: Write down a list of QBs who get up after every hit and a list of QBs who don't, and I'll bet you cash money that the first list is longer than the second. Are we really facing an epidemic of quarterbacks who don't get up after every hit, but rather lie down on the field and kick and scream until someone picks them up and carries them to the sideline? Is this where the bar for Notre Dame football sits these days?


Jimmy remains in an upright position . . . and the Clausen legend continues to grow.

· Virginia 28, Georgia Tech 23. The Charlottesville Curse lives. Still, take heart, Techies: With 230 yards passing and 121 rushing (versus 233/121 for the 'Hoos), your offense is almost exactly as good as Virginia's.

· I have to give a shout-out to Jonathan Tu of the truly kickass blog 82 Sluggo Win, whose fascinating months-long journey through dozens of college football venues all across the United States took him through Birmingham and Tuscaloosa this past weekend. Dude, I can only hope that your memories of my adopted home state are positive ones, though if your comments about the Georgia and Alabama co-eds who descended upon Tuscaloosa on Saturday were genuine, I'm going to go ahead and assume "yes" for the time being. Good luck the rest of the way, and I hope our paths will cross again in Athens in a few weeks.

Jonathan, let me know if you decide to detour through Spartanburg, South Carolina, at any point this fall -- the hometown Wofford Terriers did, after all, knock off the Appalachian State juggernaut 42-31 on Saturday. SoCon football ain't nuthin' ta fuck wit, and neither are the Terriers. To honor my favorite I-AA team for their historic achievement, I'll let Bruce McCulloch of the Kids in the Hall sing me out on this one.

Friday, April 20

Friday Random Ten: If you see your mom this weekend, will you be sure and tell her . . . SABAN! SABAN! SABAN! SABAN!


Who's got two index fingers and wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire? This guy.

Yes, I know I already made that joke during the online chat for "EDSBS Live," but I'm making it again because I'll be heading to Tuscaloosa tomorrow to tailgate with some of the guys from Roll Bama Roll before the annual A-Day Game. Make that the Golden Flake A-Day Game. (Does G-Day have a corporate sponsor yet? If not, I say we go after Delta first, and then the Cheetah if that doesn't pan out.)

So this whole tailgating-before-the-spring-game thing is catching on. But more importantly, this may give me an opportunity to finally meet the infamous Nick Saban. The day just isn't going to be complete until I get him to call me an asshole. (Or until I plant a big sloppy wet one right on his face -- one or the other.)

But that's for tomorrow . . . for today, the Ten:

1. G. Love and Special Sauce, "Cold Beverage"
2. The Young Fresh Fellows, "Picture Book"
3. Underworld, "New Train" (Live at Benicassim)
4. Pet Shop Boys, "You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk"
5. Folk Implosion, "Natural One"
6. DJ Shadow, "Midnight in a Perfect World" (Gab mix)
7. A Tribe Called Quest, "Crew"
8. The Beastie Boys, "Brass Monkey"
9. Naughty By Nature, "Hip Hop Hooray"
10. Pet Shop Boys, "The Sound of the Atom Splitting"

Your own Random Ten, and where you'd kiss Nick Saban if given the chance, in the comments.

Wednesday, January 3

Wednesday mystery meat.


Sex Panthers CB Champ Bailey returns an interception 70 yards for a score in this year's BAFL championship game.

· Lot of news in football lately -- Nick Saban taking the Alabama job, an absolute classic of a Fiesta Bowl -- but there was a bigger story to open the new year, and it was this: My fantasy team, the Sex Panthers, won the 2006 Big Ass Football League championship. The Panthers got a total of five TDs from the "Grits 'n' Gravy" RB combo of Larry Johnson and Willie Parker, and a sixth from Champ Bailey's interception of Ben Roethlisberger; it marked the eighth time in eight seasons that a Gillett-coached team made the playoffs, and made me the only coach in BAFL history to win two titles.

I know a lot of rumors have been going around that I'm mulling retirement from fantasy football. I'm not going to comment on those rumors right now; I'm just going to enjoy this big victory, spend some quality time with my family, and then ponder what the future holds. I will say that while I was approached by the University of Alabama about their head-coaching position, and they did make an attractive offer, I decided that's not where I need to be right now. But I thank them for their interest and wish them the best in their coaching search.

· Oh wait . . . their coaching search is over. Well, that's great, and good for them. But I have two questions for the Tide faithful currently going ga-ga over this, and they are as follows: 1) Do you honestly think Saban is going to stick around long enough to create that Bear Bryant dynasty that is apparently a mandatory requirement over there in Tuscaloosa? 2) Do you honestly think you couldn't have gotten someone just as good for a lot less money? Saban's record at LSU was 48-16 (0.750), which is certainly nothing to sneeze at, but neither is Mark Richt's (61-17, 0.782), Urban Meyer's (21-4, 0.840), or Tommy Tuberville's (72-29, 0.713, including a 3-2 mark against Saban).

Here's the problem with paying someone $4 million and change a year. Alabama's 2007 schedule includes home dates with Arkansas, Georgia, Tennessee, and LSU, any one of which the Tide could lose even with Saban at the helm -- and that's even before we get to Auburn, who will be returning a ton of talent on both sides of the ball. What happens when Bama loses their first game, even if -- or, hell, especially if -- it's Auburn for the sixth year in a row? I'll tell you what happens: A "WE'RE NOT PAYING YOU $4,000,000 A YEAR TO LOSE!!!!" shitstorm from Alabama's notoriously not-all-that-sweet-and-understanding fan base that continues indefinitely. And maybe that all ends with Saban's first SEC championship, but it starts up all over again the second Saban loses his next game.

And yes, as a UAB fan I will freely cop to being fist-through-the-wall livid that Paul Bryant Jr. deemed $600,000 too much for the Blazers to be paying Jimbo Fisher, but thought it was perfectly fine for Alabama to drop the monetary equivalent of a Boeing 737 in Nick Saban's lap. I do, however, hope everyone sees the irony in the fact that for all the meddling Alabama people did in UAB's coaching search over the past month, Alabama ended up hiring the guy on the losing end of the greatest victory in UAB football history. Thanks, Nick!


That's right, Saban! Whenever you want to sack up and play the Blazers again, Neil Callaway's waitin' here with his whuppin' stick!

· Here's something much more interesting than Nick Saban: courtesy of the M Zone, a USC Song Girl showing her booty.


That's just swell.

Now, upon Zapruder-like examination of the HD version, it was ascertained (to the great disappointment of the M Zone) that she was, in fact, wearing underpants. I've dated a few cheerleaders in my time, and from that experience I learned that cheerleader undergarments are regulated like Canadian firearms; I can say with the utmost certainty that there is no way any cheerleader, much less a Song Girl, would be allowed out onto the field of the Rose Bowl with anything other than the squad-approved spankies under her skirt. So, sorry to disappoint you -- that's not a naughty Song Girl doing her most authentic Britney Spears impression, or even a thong, just a code-red wedgie. But it's still awesome.

· I know what you're thinking: "Well, that was an interesting way of bringing together football and gloriously sculpted female rear ends in one post. But I bet you can't do it again." In fact, you are horribly, embarrassingly wrong. Here's Jessica Alba playing football in a bikini.

· While I was trying to be mesmerized by Jessica Alba's tushy just now, I kept getting interrupted by that impossible-to-find-the-"close"-button pop-up ad for the first season of "Two-a-Days" on DVD, which has literally popped up on every fucking Web site I've logged on to for the past week. Enough! Just by virtue of living in the Birmingham area I get as much of Rush Propst's relentless self-promotion as I can possibly handle; I'm not itching to subject myself to more. And when I want to see Jessica Alba in a bikini, then dammit, I don't want to see Rush Propst yelling at me, I want to see Jessica Alba in a bikini! So cut it the fuck out!

· Tomorrow the 50 Most Loathsome People in College Football begins its inexorable march from #50 to number one. Be there!


Will this picklewipe make the list? And now that you mention it, is this Michael Moore or Dennis Erickson? You won't know unless you tune in!

Thursday, December 14

Friday Random Ten: Think globally, act locally, propose modestly.

OK, so the government decided not to explore my proposal to give Zacarias Moussaoui a sex change, Georgia hasn't called Rick Neuheisel up to offer him a job as offensive coordinator, and I have yet to see Joe Tereshinski III line up at tight end for the Dawgs. Not exactly batting 1.000 on my previous modest proposals, but I think Modest Proposal IV: A New Hope is gonna be a winner. It concerns the University of Alabama and their coaching search, which doesn't exactly appear to be going gangbusters at the moment.

Rich Rodriguez and Steve Spurrier have both said no. Nick Saban is saying no, but Alabama continues to pursue, like a drunk frat guy desperate for some tail. Everybody has suggested somebody, with varying degrees of seriousness -- Todd at RollBamaRoll.com is interested in Tulsa's Steve Kragthorpe; Newspaper Hack, even as he wiped tears from RichRod's rejection letter, put forth Navy's Paul Johnson as a possibility; The M Zone said they should just dig Bear Bryant up; Mayor Kyle King, not at all surprisingly, thought Kristin Davis of TV's "Sex and the City" would be a good choice; and then there was Todd's other suggestion, Jessica Alba.

I actually think Kyle and Todd are closest to the bullseye, and not just because I think Jessica Alba is hotter than jalapeños flambé. With that in mind, I'd like to make a new suggestion.



A number of people have asked me, here and at other sites, who these comely young ladies are. Their names are Ashley and Maegen Bailey -- good luck figuring out which one is which -- they're originally from Oneonta, they're each 5'10" (hello), and they have become minor celebrties in these parts for showing up at Alabama football games in the ensemble you see above. So they're kind of like Alabama's version of Jenn Sterger and the FSU cowgirls, only with more houndstooth and (I'm just making an educated guess here) less silicone. I'm proposing their names, collectively, for consideration as Alabama's next head football coach(es).

Straight out of left field? Not necessarily. RollBamaRoll's Chalkdust has said straightaway that Bama may have "evolved past the point of needing a head coach"; if they must have some kind of figurehead, Ashley and Maegen might fill the bill. They're young, they're enthusiastic, they possess the devotion to Bama football heritage that's clearly one of the school's biggest criteria for the job. They'd be a can't-miss prospect on the recruiting trail, as any of my male readers who have ever been 18 years old will attest. I'm not sure whether they have any in-depth knowledge of actual scheme or strategy when it comes to football, but, well, you could ask the same question about Mike Shula, and he somehow managed to win a fricking Cotton Bowl.

But the most important thing in Ashley and Maegen's favor is this: It would be damn near impossible to fire them. Alabama's biggest problem almost ever since the Bear retired has been an almost pathological addiction to coach-firing; they'll dump a coach just for poops and giggles, it sometimes seems, and that has kept the program in a near-constant state of turmoil, with very little continuity or stability at any point in the last quarter-century. But the Houndstooth Twins will be in it for the long haul pretty much by default. If you were Alabama's AD, would you fire them? Could you look the two of them in the eye(s) and tell them the Crimson Tide doesn't have a place for them anymore? Would you want to be the person who goes down in history as the guy who told two adorable blond Bama fans to take a hike? Of course you wouldn't, and neither would anyone else. Sheer softheartedness would keep the Baileys in the front office long enough to at least win an SEC title, one way or another, and get the program back onto some kind of solid footing.


Not only could Alabama do much worse than this, they probably already have.

(Side note: They're both currently students at UAB. So anybody who wants to make fun of my employer is cordially invited to suck it.)

There it is, Alabama. I've tried to help you every way I know how. I'm pointing you toward the Houndstooth Twins, and I got nothin' left. If at long last you don't take that advice, I can't help you.

Anyway, that's all I have on that subject. The Ten:

1. The Beatles, "All You Need is Love"
2. Gorillaz, "Last Living Souls"
3. The Clash, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"
4. The Beatles, "Happiness is a Warm Gun"
5. The Beastie Boys, "Hey Fuck You"
6. Johnny Cash, "One"
7. R.E.M., "Suspicion"
8. Orbital, "Tunnel Vision"
9. Dimitri from Paris, "Attente Musicale"
10. Stereolab, "Brakhage"

Your own Random Tens and coaching suggestions in the comments. ¡Apocalypto!

Friday, December 8

The spoiled child, spared the Rod.



So, yeah, the whole Rich-Rodriguez-to-Alabama thing, not really happening after all. Thanks, local media, for making me look like a douchebag.

Really, you have to live here to understand how the local newspapers, TV people, and radio stations get geeked into the stratosphere at the merest hint that something might be happening with the Crimson Tide. Every TV station except Fox 6 was all over the place last night reporting that Rich Rodriguez was coming; the ginormous 64-point headline on the front page of the Birmingham News was "Rodriguez ready to roll at Bama" or some such nonsense. So much for objectivity and a healthy skepticism. But anyway, no, Rodriguez isn't coming, there is no Santa Claus, and the check really isn't in the mail.

I called into JOX 690, the local sports-talk station, Friday afternoon as Dunaway and Brown were chatting excitedly about the prospect of Rodriguez coming to Tuscaloosa. I offered my respectful opinion that no way would he take the Alabama job, because he's revered as a demigod and winning Sugar Bowls in Morgantown, and why would he pass that up to take a flier on a job where he can count on getting axed after three or four years if he doesn't recreate the Bear Bryant dynasty? I was surprised at the response I got from Dunaway and Brown -- they normally come across as pretty level-headed and properly hype-suspicious of most things sports-related in Alabama, but they were acting like Rodriguez would be kissing Mal Moore's ring and offering him his firstborn child for a shot at the Alabama job. Better conference, more pay, more TV time, yada yada. Well, apparently that's not enough when the fanbase can be counted on to levitate with rage and talk replacements the minute you lose to Auburn.

I hope for Bama's sake that this drills into their skulls once and for all the fact that their coaching job is not what it used to be, for the simple fact that -- and I know I'm repeating myself here -- every time Alabama whacks a head coach, they make the job that much less attractive to any potential replacement. I've already used the hot-girl-who's-a-total-bitch metaphor to describe the Alabama job, so here's another one: Alabama in the 2000s is like Jaguar was in the 1980s. Remember how Jaguars used to be -- absolutely gorgeous machines, so swank and luxurious they even smelled better than other cars, but with quality levels that wouldn't have passed muster at Hyundai? The classified ads were chock full of Jags whose owners were dumping them after only one or two years because they couldn't stand to rebuild the transmission or completely replace the wiring one more time, and sales dropped into the pooper; it took a buyout by Ford to turn things around. Well, that's where Alabama is: It's a beautiful, storied program that nobody wants to coach because they have no confidence it's not going to leave them stranded on the side of the road after a few years. It's sad, but it is what it is.


Alabama : 1980s Jaguar :: Auburn : electrical system, I guess.

So I don't know what the fuck Alabama does now, but if I were them I'd focus less on hiring a new coach and more on hiring a new athletic director, because Mal Moore certainly doesn't seem capable of finding his ass with both hands and a map. First you fire a guy without having his replacement already lined up, then you not only offer a guy a job not knowing whether he'll take it, but you announce the offer to the media without even knowing if he has taken it? Smooth move, Ex-Lax. It's habitual for new ADs to want to choose their own coaches anyway, so dump Moore, which is a virtual inevitability at this point, find his replacement ASAP, and then let that presumably more competent replacement choose his own guy.

My suggestion: Steve Kragthorpe, who brought Tulsa back from the dead. And don't act like you deserve any better.

Friday Mystery Meat and Random Ten: Everything must go.


Trading the ol' post-victory couch arson for the ol' post-loss-to-Auburn brick through the window?

· I never actually thought it would happen -- and in fact I'm sure I made another one of my asinine public-humiliation wagers that it wouldn't -- but West Virginia head coach Rich Rodriguez has accepted Alabama's offer to become the next coach of the Crimson Tide. I'm happy for the Tide that they succeeded in snagging a first-choice-caliber coach for the first time maybe since Gene Stallings left T-Town; I hope Rodriguez knows what he's getting into with Bama's notoriously difficult-to-please fanbase, though, and I have to wonder what prompted him to leave the warm embrace of his alma mater in Morgantown, where he is pretty much a demigod at this point, for the 24-hour tightrope walk that is coaching at Alabama. Was it the bigger money, the chance to coach in the toughest conference in the country at one of college football's most heritage-laden programs? Or . . .


Whatever the reason, Tuscaloosa welcomes you with open arms. For now.

· At the other end of the spectrum, we have ESPN.com's final "Bottom 10" of the 2006 season, and it should come as a surprise to exactly no one that Florida International and Duke, the only two teams in Division I-A to go winless this year, wound up #1 and #2. So I'm with Benny at The M Zone: We need to pit those teams against each other to see who's really the worst. This "Toilet Bowl" is actually an idea I've had kicking around in my head for a while now, but it's time to go ahead and see what would happen on the field, because really, isn't that the only way we could know? My personal calculations have Duke winning a 22-21 nailbiter, but your mileage may vary. I think it'd still be a more compelling matchup than Central Michigan vs. MTSU in the Motor City Bowl.

· Speaking of bottom-feeder matchups, I'd like to see some kind of celebrity cage match between Lindsay Lohan -- elitist, rude, possibly developmentally disabled -- and anti-undergarments activist Britney Spears. Last one to vomit drunkenly all over herself, fall down, and flash her cooter at the audience wins.

· Oh, and Paris Hilton wants kids.


Yeah. I love kids. Being a mom is hott.

· Congratulations to Birmingham resident, Auburn grad and Official Friend of Hey Jenny Slater George Eich, who won the HJS Open College Football Pick 'Em contest so convincingly that he could've gone oh-fer the final week and still won. Yours Truly managed a podium finish with a second-place tie with the Annapolis Crab Trawlers, and also came in first in buddy Kevin's group, which used "confidence points" as opposed to point spreads. So I guess what that means is I'm good at picking winners, but George is the one who's actually going to be making money at it. Or something.

· There But For The Grace Of God Dept.:

An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.


Wow. Wow. I mean, the only reason this happened to her and not me was because I don't bother to light a match after I let one rip. Come to think of it, I usually don't even bother retiring to the bathroom, either. I usually just blast one out and then laugh uproariously about it. Or I pull the sheets over the girl's head and trap her under the covers with it, as per the old "Dutch oven" trick. I think it's funnier that way, n'est-ce pas? Basically I look at it like this -- there are two kinds of people in the world: People who can admit that farts are hilarious, and damn dirty liars.

· In case you were wondering which college football team the SI.com Cheerleader Curse is going to whack in the bowl season, it's Florida State. Which shouldn't come as a surprise, given that they were probably going to be an underdog to UCLA in the Emerald Bowl anyway; I just thought their cheerleader, Lauren Sauer, was adorable, that's all. So don't go saying anything bad about her on eBay.


When juxtaposed with the previous item, that "Make Some Noise" sign makes me laugh.

· And now the Random Ten:

1. Boards of Canada, "Roygbiv"
2. The Police, "Roxanne"
3. David Cross, "Welfare Dentist on a Bender"
4. Dusted, "Childhood"
5. R.E.M., "King of Comedy" (808 State remix)
6. Björk, "Play Dead"
7. U2, "Numb" (Gimme Some More Dignity mix)
8. U2, "Sunday Bloody Sunday" (Live from Sarajevo)
9. Looking Glass, "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)"
10. The Beastie Boys, "B-Boy Bouillabaisse"

Now you're welcome to put your own Ten, and your own handicapping for the Duke-FIU matchup, in the comments.

Wednesday, November 29

The girls don't like the job.


Evidently prefers Papa John's to Dreamland barbecue.

Well, forget everything I said about Alabama hiring Bobby Petrino as their new head coach: I heard on the radio this evening that Petrino has said he isn't interested. Neither are the two guys I'd heard Tide fans (laughably) offering as their top two candidates, Steve Spurrier and Nick Saban. Apparently neither are Rich Rodriguez (not surprising) or Wake Forest's Jim Grobe (slightly more surprising), and former Texas/Auburn DC Gene Chizik has been snapped up by Iowa State. Just two days after Mike Shula's firing was formally announced, the pool of qualified candidates has already shrunk to microscopic size.

The next candidate I'd offer up as somebody Alabama needs to go after is former USC and current Tennessee Titans offensive coordinator Norm Chow, but honestly I don't know if he'd fit what has become a major requirement for the team's next coach: What Alabama really needs at this point is someone who, unlike, say, Dennis Franchione, sees the Bama job as the one they've always wanted and will do whatever it takes to bring the program back to national prominence. But what big-name coach right now really feels that way about this job? I was talking with two co-workers about the situation yesterday, office manager Cindy and fellow Georgia grad/closet Bama fan Stanley, and they both agreed that every time Alabama jerks its knee and yanks a head coach, it makes the job significantly less attractive for every other coaching prospect out there. And they both liked the metaphor I used right after that, so I'll mention it here: Alabama is like a really hot chick who's also a total bitch and can't figure out why guys don't want to date her.

I mean, on paper, the Alabama job should be the greatest job in college football: You've got tradition a mile long, a brand name recognizable even to people who couldn't give the first shit about college football, a fertile recruiting base, top-notch facilities, a fan base that's as passionate and motivated as any in the country. But like the hot chick who's also a total bitch, Alabama treats all its coaches-slash-dating-partners like crap. Lose one game and people are already talking about how you can't hack it and who your replacement should be. You're expected to recreate the kind of dynasty that Bear Bryant built, which in this day of scholarship limits and a bigger, more competitive SEC probably isn't even possible anymore. Is it any wonder that, to guys like Spurrier and Grobe, formerly moribund programs like South Carolina and Wake Forest look incredibly inviting? Win eight games in Columbia or Winston-Salem and they're bringing you 72 virgins and the finest meats and cheeses from throughout the land. Win eight in Tuscaloosa and the attitude is, "Well, OK, but you better do better next year."

In the decreasingly likely event that Alabama does manage to hire a big-name (or even temporarily-trendy-name) coach, they need to hang on to him like grim death. They need to grit their teeth and survive a few six- or seven-win seasons if that's what happens, because even if you concede that a Bear-Bryant-like dynasty is still possible -- which, for the record, I don't -- you must recognize that building one is gonna take a lot more than five years. Rich Rodriguez went 3-8 his first year at West Virginia and didn't bring home the Big East title until his fifth year on the job. Frank Beamer, a name that gets brung up like clockwork every time Alabama needs a coach, won two, three, six, six, five, and two games in his first six years before finally breaking through to a bowl in his seventh. A guy like Beamer is never going to be any good without the patience that was shown to him while he was struggling to turn VT into a competitive program.

I know I've been harsh on Alabama here, and I don't mean to sound that way; I like Alabama, I definitely fall on the crimson side of the Bama-Auburn rivalry, and I'm one of those people who just thinks there's something somehow better about college football when the Tide is good. But good Lord, people, it's time to man up and realize that after Mike DuBose, Dennis Franchione, the Mike Price debacle, and not one but two major NCAA violations, the reconstruction of Alabama into a national powerhouse is not a three-year job. It may not even be a five-year job. Hire someone who has that kind of patience, and then do him a favor by having that same kind of patience with him.

And you know, David Cutcliffe made a pretty decent head coach too, now that I think about it. I'm just saying.

Tuesday, November 28

Some friendly advice for my Crimson mates.

Now, I'll preface this right off the bat by saying that I may not exactly be the best advice-giver on coaching personnel matters. I was one of the few Georgia fans who was actually upset when we fired Jim Donnan almost exactly six years ago (though I quickly recognized it was the right move in hindsight once we picked up Mark Richt), and also met with speculations of insanity after suggesting that Georgia hire Rick Neuheisel as offensive coordinator. So, like, take everything I'm about to say with a grain of salt.

But if somebody from the University of Alabama athletic department isn't on their way to Louisville, Kentucky, right this very instant carrying a suitcase full of $100 bills they plan on dumping on Bobby Petrino's desk, everybody in Tuscaloosa is a fucking retard.

First, a tear for Mike Shula, who's a good upstanding Catholic boy and maybe even a good coach in certain circumstances but rarely looked like he was prepared for the buzzsaw that is coaching at the Capstone. As someone who's demonstrated himself to be quite conservative in the matter of firing coaches, and who almost always errs on the side of giving so-and-so another year before dropping the hammer, I thought Shula might actually do pretty well next year with a team that was pretty young at a lot of important positions in '06. That said, I won't spend a lot of time arguing with anyone who'd made their minds up that Shula just wasn't the guy. Shula spent his first two years in Tuscaloosa looking like the picture you'd expect to see on the Wikipedia page for "deer in the headlights," looked like he'd snapped out of it during last year's 10-2 campaign, then appeared to regress right back into the old deer pose this past season. Shula may deep down be a great coach, but at the same time it wouldn't surprise me at all if we never heard from him again, at least on the sideline of a major college football team.


"It's not you. It's me."

But anyway. Alabama, you need to hire Bobby Petrino. Stop chasing after Steve Spurrier, whose last two seasons at South Carolina haven't been that much better than the one that just got Mike Shula fired; stop chasing after Nick Saban, whose ego is getting fed by the NFL these days and hasn't demonstrated any desire to step back into the college ranks; stop chasing after Rich Rodriguez, who's coaching at his alma mater for Christ's sake (and doing a damn fine job of it to, last week's loss to South Florida notwithstanding). There are three major things going for Petrino, and they are, in no particular order:

1. He would bring the kind of wide-open offense Alabama hasn't seen in . . . well, maybe ever. Even when Mike DuBose and then Dennis Franchione were putting together 10-win seasons with the Tide, they weren't exactly slinging the ball all over the field. Part of the reason Shula got fired is because his offenses were mind-numbingly conservative. You want to open it up a little? Pass for 300 yards in a game for once? Petrino's your man. Spurrier's Spurrier, but he's not the Spurrier of the mid-'90s anymore. Petrino's the closest thing to that you're gonna find right now.

2. He's made it quite clear he wants to be coaching in the SEC. Guys like Saban, Rodriguez, and Rutgers's Greg Schiano are in cushy situations they know they'd be stupid to leave. But anyone with half a brain should know by now that Petrino, for all the success he's enjoyed in Louisville, sees it as only a pit stop on the way to someplace bigger. He interviewed for the LSU job; he promoted himself for the Ole Miss job before thinking better of it. And we all know what happened with Auburn. Which brings me to the third (and maybe the biggest) reason:

3. For the first time in six years, it would make Alabama look smarter than Auburn. Look, let's not sugarcoat this: Auburn has been eating Bama's lunch for years now, and not just in the Iron Bowl; the Tigers have been stringing together 9-, 10-, and even 13-win seasons while Alabama craps their pants with delight if they so much as make it to a New Year's Day bowl. Auburn is enjoying consistency and unity on their coaching staff while Alabama has turned coach-firing into practically a biennial ritual. But if Alabama were to snag the coach that Auburn nearly humiliated themselves on a historic level trying to hire . . . that'd be like the Punk'd of the decade in the SEC. You'd have a guy who knows Tommy Tuberville's secrets and can get his goat. This hiring would make the Iron Bowl exciting again before Alabama even wins one -- and it'd make Bobby Lowder spontaneously combust with rage, which is all the reason somebody should need to do anything.


Knows where Tuberville's bodies are buried; also would apparently sell his own mother into white slavery to become an SEC coach.

Come on, Alabama. We know you've got money; give Petrino as much of it as he wants and bring him to T-Town. He's good, he's available, he's feasible, he'd drive your biggest arch-rival fucking nuts. I'm offering you this exclusive consulting work free of charge; just throw me some tickets to the Georgia-Alabama game at Bryant-Denny next year and we'll call it completely even. Now go!