Separated at Birth, The Long Cold Football-Less Winter of the Spirit edition.

Victorious Super Bowl coach Mike Tomlin and T.C. from "Magnum, P.I."?


Victorious BCS National Championship Game coach Urban Meyer and Papa John's founder John Schnatter?


Or victorious BCS National Championship Game coach Urban Meyer and the Cyberdyne Systems/Skynet T-1000? (Actually, that's a bit of a copout, since the T-1000 can make itself look like whomever it wants.)


Vanquished BCS National Championship Game coach Bob Stoops and Michael J. Fox?


Tennessee Volunteers head coach Lane Kiffin and Seth Rogen's character in the forthcoming film "Observe and Report" (which looks f'ing hilarious, by the way)?


Mississippi State Bulldogs head coach Dan Mullen and Rob Riggle of "The Daily Show"?


Tennessee Titans quarterback Kerry Collins and TV's House?

A memo from the desk of Arnold T. Pants, Esq.:We have a winner (and more than a few wieners).

• First things first: The Big Ass Pick'Em Group, the official pick'em goup of Hey Jenny Slater, has a winner, and she is . . . a Gator fan. (Son of a bitch, those people win everything. Everything.) All hail Jamie Barnhart (who can be seen here in a photo that has "Hot Chicks with Douchebags" written all over it), a Florida native and ex-Navy SEAL who strolled into the final week with an insurmountable lead and will be taking home the grand prize of one (1) piece of gently used Georgia memorabilia that I dig out of my closet. She also gets this shout-out at Hey Jenny Slater, which is the kind of name-check you can't put a price on. Congratulations, Jamie, and don't say I never gave you anything.

(O bai the wai: You can still join the exciting sequel to the 2008 Big Ass Pick'Em Group, also known as the 2008 Big Ass College Bowl Pick'Em Group. Instructions on how to join here. Seriously, it's so easy even Jay Jacobs couldn't fuck it up.)

• Second things second: Legos turned 50 this year, so y'all better act like you know. And what better way to mark this momentous occasion than to buy me this or this? No, I'm not letting go of this so you can stop asking. Why? Because Legos are hardcore. How hardcore? This hardcore:



• Separated at birth: Gene Chizik and former Sen. Bill Frist (R-Tenn.)?



And will Chizik do to the Auburn program what Frist managed to do to the Republican majority in the Senate? Alabama fans can only hope so.

• College football headline of the year, courtesy of the ever-vigilant EDSBS:



• Barack Obama: Pimpin' president, or the pimpin'est president?





Link courtesy of Mac G, who, as a Hawkeyes fan, is perhaps even more amused by the Chizik hire than the rest of us are.

• And now for some YouTubeage: Two manifestly terrible Christmas gift ideas, the first of which apparently comes to you from the makers of the Ronco Pocket Bukkakinator.



I wonder if any of the kids in that commercial grew up to be this guy? Then there's the following wonderful family game:



The soundtrack and voice-over from that ad were sampled in a track on DJ Shadow's debut album Endtroducing... a decade or so ago. When I first heard it, I thought Shadow had to have made it up, but no, it turns out it's real. Finding out where the hell that came from was like a little Christmas present coming a few days early.

Happy weekend: Separated At Birth goes video.

I think I've been pretty clear that I find Headline News talk-show host Glenn Beck pretty worthless; his right-wing-masquerading-as-"independent" viewpoint is so transparent only a complete retard couldn't see through it, and his "angry white man" shtick more often comes off as whiny, entitled, and ineffectual. Yet there's one big, overarching reason why Beck grates on my nerves even more so than most right-wing talk show hosts. It isn't his politics, because I can even give Beck a little credit for not being totally mindless in his opinions, unlike, say, Sean Hannity; nor is it the fact that he gets to hold forth for an hour every weeknight on HN without any kind of liberal counterbalance, because it's not like they're the only network doing that.

No, the most grating thing about Beck is that he has only one speaking inflection: sarcasm. Not just sarcasm but the forced, repetitive sarcasm of a guy who's convinced he's hilaaaarious. Here's Glenn ranting on global warming (shockingly, he thinks it's bogus):



See? That whole time he's playing exactly one note, and it's "this is stupid so I'm going to be as condescending as possible. 'Dja get that? CONDESCENDING." I was trying to figure where I'd seen/heard something like that before, and then a couple weeks ago, in a conversation about favorite "Kids in the Hall" sketches, it finally hit me.

Any of you KITH fans remember this?



Yup -- Glenn Beck is Dave Foley, The Partygoer With A Sarcastic Speech Impediment. It's all right there, people.

Separated at Birth: Separate this.

Sudden Republican frontrunner Mike Huckabee and fugitive skyjacker D.B. Cooper?


Democratic candidate Bill Richardson and former "West Wing" supporting cast member Oliver Platt?


New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas and "American Gangster" co-star Chiwetel Ejiofor?


Washington Redskins QB Todd Collins and Josh Randall, the title character's best friend on the NBC comedy "Ed"?


Spread-offense guru Rich Rodriguez and self-help guru Frasier Crane?


Dead-to-the-Atlanta-Falcons coach Bobby Petrino and dead-to-everybody comedian Bob Hope?


Petrino's predecessor, Houston Nutt, and "Lazarus Man" Robert Urich?

Separated at Birth rides again.

Soon-to-be-available Nebraska head coach Bill Callahan and Beau Bridges?


Tennessee head coach Phil Fulmer and presidential hopeful Fred Thompson?


New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin and Death from "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey"?


New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton and Pet Shop Boy Neil Tennant?


Or, oddly enough, Sean Payton and Ben Stiller?


Jacksonville Jaguars head coach Jack Del Rio and Joe, the wheelchair-bound cop from "Family Guy"?


Washington Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell and Prince?

(That one was pointed out to me by my sister while we were watching the Redskins gane on Sunday, but did you know that at six-foot-five, Campbell is fifteen inches taller than Prince? As Ann said, "That's two heads! Or a whole baby!")


Southern Cal quarterback John David Booty and John Hughes High School quarterback Jake Wyler from "Not Another Teen Movie"?


Ex-Florida/Miami quarterback Brock Berlin and "Heroes" supervillain Sylar?


Birmingham mayor-elect Larry Langford and Earle Hyman, Cliff Huxtable's dad on "The Cosby Show"?