I don't have to be here talking to you right now, you know. I had multiple people offer to credential me at SEC Media Days, where I could be with Spence and Holly right now, rubbing elbows with journalists from around the country, stuffing my face with free Chick-fil-A biscuits while getting to interact with the top coaches and players in college football.
But instead I'm stuck at that job I was so happy about for some reason a couple months ago, so that ain't happening. But if I were there, these are the questions I'd ask:
For Nick Saban: When it was announced that USC was getting nut-punched by NCAA sanctions, how hard did you laugh, or did you not have time for that shit?
For RB Mark Ingram: How many times have you heard/read that Trent Richardson might actually be better than you, and how do you feel about that?
For QB Greg McElroy: For some reason I always feel like your first name should be spelled "Gregg." You ever feel like that?
For Dan Mullen: I've never seen you and Rob Riggle in the same room before. Can you confirm, unequivocally, that you are not Rob Riggle?
For Joker Phillips: Am I the first person to have ever made a "Smoker"/"Midnight Toker" joke about you, or do you get that all time?
For WR/QB/RB/PR/KR Randall Cobb: Why don't you ever play tight end or offensive line? Are you fucking lazy or something?
For Urban Meyer: I think you're a pussy because you couldn't eat this Hardee's Monster Thickburger and then run a mile in under five minutes. Wanna bet me that you can?
C Mike Pouncey: I bet you'd like this nice, crisp hundred-dollar bill, huh?
For Mark Richt: I couldn't help but notice that you only had one Chick-fil-A biscuit this morning. Is that a sign that you're on the hot seat?
For P Drew Butler: Does "I'm the best punter in the country" help you get ass?
For Bobby Petrino: I'll say a job and you blink twice if you put your name in the mix for it, once if you didn't. OK, ready? USC. Tennessee. Washington Redskins. Vanderbilt. Argentine national soccer team. Barack Obama's old senate seat. Akron . . .
For QB Ryan Mallett: So that little knee-scooter thing you were riding around on this past spring: Did you feel, like, totally gay on that thing?
For DE Jake Bequette: The Arkansas defense has finished dead last in the SEC in both of Bobby Petrino's seasons as head coach. What are y'all doing to move up to 11th?
For interim head coach Robbie Caldwell: Wait, where's is Steve Martin?
Follow-up: No, seriously, where is he?
For LB Chris Marve: Look, I'm tired of playing games -- where the fuck is Steve Martin?
For Steve Spurrier: Does it eat at your soul that you're probably going to end your career winless against Lane Kiffin?
For FB Patrick DiMarco: Coach Spurrier brought only one offensive player to Media Days and it was his fullback. Let that sink in for a minute: his fullback. No, I don't actually have a question, I just wanted everyone to ponder that. OK, if I have to, here's a question: Dude, how awesome was "Inception"?!?
For Gene Chizik: Have people started calling you "13-24 Gene" yet?
For OT Lee Ziemba: Has Ryan Pugh ever gotten confused and tried to break your knees by mistake?
For Derek Dooley: Did you get to inherit all of Lane Kiffin's Ed Hardy shirts and Axe Body Spray, or did he take that stuff with him?
For LB Nick Reveiz: Not only are you and Janzen Jackson the only two halfway decent players left on Tennessee's roster, you're the only two who aren't facing a reasonably lengthy jail sentence at the moment. How are you handling the pressure?
For Les Miles: Coach, what time is it?
For Houston Nutt: How long do you think you can hold this lit firecracker in your hand before it goes off?
For DE Kentrell Lockett: I don't really have any questions, I'm just gonna start this tape recorder and you say whatever comes to mind. Ready? . . .