Last night a discussion somehow got started on Twitter about what items of clothing are appropriate to wear when you're otherwise completely naked. OK, I'm the one who got that discussion started, but beyond that I have no further details. Anyway, I think we managed to get a pretty good list of ground rules laid down, and I present them to you as this week's +5: Five Things It's Unacceptable To Wear As The Only Thing You've Got On.
This is the article of clothing that started it all: There's just nothing sexy about dark socks, in any context, on either gender. Not that they're not fashion-appropriate, mind you -- you wouldn't wear white socks with a dark suit, after all. But the dark socks are worn simply out of necessity. There's still nothing remotely alluring about them. Think about it this way: If a hot chick walks into your room completely naked, that's awesome. If she walks into your room naked except for black socks, though, that's weird, perhaps even a little sad. If you're interested enough in some major-league sexing to take off all your clothes, really, why not take 10 extra seconds to ditch the socks? You're that worried about your feet getting cold?
As belts have grown wider and wider in recent years, some models and wannabe celebrities have attempted to push the envelope by wearing belts in lieu of skirts or even tops. Here's the thing, though: If I see you with nothing but a belt around your waist, my first thought is that you forgot to put pants on. And if you can't remember to execute a task that simple, I can't give you points for accessorizing. On the other hand, since it technically doesn't violate the "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" rule, you could probably still get into a 7-Eleven.
Just because you like two things doesn't mean they'll necessarily go well together. For example: I love Dreamland ribs. I also love the Bentley Continental GT. Eating Dreamland ribs in a Bentley Continental GT, however -- particularly whilst traveling near the Bentley's top speed of 197 miles per hour -- strikes me as a terrible idea. Same thing with scantily clad chicks and football uniforms. Apparently the Lingerie Football League wants me to think that a girl in her underwear is just as sexy when you throw pads and eyeblack on her, but I respectfully disagree; really, she just looks like she decided at the last minute to go to a Halloween party dressed as one of the characters from Mad Max but had to half-ass it. If you want a girl to look sexy at a football game, put her in a cheerleading uniform and leave her on the sideline; if you want her to actually play -- and I saw a segment about the LFL on "CBS Sunday Morning" of all places, and yeah, some of those girls can ball -- give her a respectable uniform and let her do her thing.
Like football pads, helmets are just too bulky to be useful for any kind of bedroom play. And while it might sound like a fun, crazy idea to ride, say, a motorcycle wearing nothing but the helmet, that seems like a great way to set a new Guinness world record for skin grafts. (Notable exception to the helmet rule, per Spencer: Viking helmets are acceptable when it's Valkyrie Night. I concur.)
knit winter caps
Obviously, you have to be very careful about wearing hats while naked. Wear the wrong one -- and honestly, most of them are wrong -- and you just end up looking like a fool. Winter caps or "toboggans" are probably the worst: I know you supposedly lose the vast majority of your body heat through the top of your head, but really, if it's cold enough out that you feel the need to throw on a winter cap, you probably ought to be clothing yourself in other ways. And I can't think of any sexual role-playing in which a winter cap would have to play an integral role, unless you really got turned on by sledding down hills on garbage-can lids as a kid. (If this is along the lines of what you're into, you're better off buying a shapka and playing James Bond vs. Sexy Russian Spy.)
Next week: five things you can wear when you're naked except for that. Until then, though, the Ten:
1. The Jesus & Mary Chain, "Far Gone and Out"
2. Thievery Corporation, "The Richest Man in Babylon" (Groove Corporation remix)
3. Fatboy Slim and Earth, Wind & Fire, "September/The Joker"
4. The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows"
5. Miles Davis, "Jeru"
6. Underworld, "Skym"
7. Underworld, "Jumbo"
8. Astrud Gilberto, "Who Needs Forever?" (Thievery Corporation remix)
9. Moby, "Southside"
10. The Fugees, "The Beast"
Your Random Tens, as well as any personal recommendations on nude accessorizing, are invited in the comments.