But anyway, I'm always ready to lend a helping hand in situations like these -- you'll recall that a few months ago I gave the Republicans five great choices for people they could nominate if they really weren't keen on John McCain, and now I've got five surefire options for Sen. Obama. And unlike the satirical list I linked to a few weeks ago, all of these options are real human beings who are eligible for the office. Which means no Optimus Prime, sadly, but here are Five Swing-For-The-Fences Vice-Presidential Options For Barack Obama:
My first instinct here was to go with Angelina Jolie, for obvious reasons, but it turns out she's not 35 yet and therefore isn't old enough to join a presidential ticket. So instead we'll go with her husband -- family man, international activist, and -- at the risk of sounding sexist -- someone who's a lock to swing at least a few female votes into the Obama column. (Also doesn't get nearly enough credit for being an incredibly gifted comic actor in films like "Fight Club" or "Ocean's Eleven," though that's neither here nor there.)
Yeah, I know, I pull her name out all the time, but she's smart, funny, there probably hasn't yet been a job invented that she wouldn't be awesome at; and as a Clinton supporter, she'd be a bridge to the Clinton camp and bring in tons of female votes. And while she's a liberal, she does have a record of reaching out to conservatives:
Jack Donaghy: Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch.
Liz Lemon: Those weren’t jokes. That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack Donaghy: Well, they got big laughs.
On second thought, making Tina Fey vice president would probably kill "30 Rock" for the foreseeable future. So maybe not.
Karenna Gore Schiff
Earlier this week, James Carville proposed the idea of a Barack Obama-Al Gore ticket, and while I think that would be great, it's hard for me to see someone who once won the popular vote in a presidential election settling again for a second-banana slot. So why not Gore's eldest daughter, who turns 35 just in time for the Democratic National Convention this August? She'd bring in the female vote, she has a strong record on the environment -- and when it looked like there was an opening for Al to throw his hat in the ring back in 2004, I had an idea to print up a bunch of "Re-Elect Gore" bumper stickers, and maybe this would be an opportunity to whip that out again.
Strong on defense, instantly locks down Pennsylvania's 21 electoral votes for the Dems, and it's not like he's doing a whole lot else at the moment. And can you picture anyone messing with a former Cleveland Browns linebacker at diplomatic meetings? Let's see Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pull that "Great Satan" crap with this guy glaring at him from across the table.
And my number-one fantasy choice for VP . . .
Pulls in the women's vote; puts Tennessee's 11 electoral votes in the D column; vaporizes Obama's disadvantage among blue-collar Appalachian voters. Even the most intractable foreign dictator would be reduced to tears by her heartfelt renditions of songs like "Silver Dagger" or "I Will Always Love You." And I'm sorry, I don't care if she's 62, she's still a fox.
There you go, Barack. Don't say I never gave you anything. And now the Ten:
1. Billy Joel, "The Downeaster Alexa"
2. Air, "Sexy Boy"
3. Radiohead, "The National Anthem"
4. Jimi Hendrix, "Foxy Lady"
5. Patton Oswalt, "Sterling, Virginia"
6. The Smiths, "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore"
7. R.E.M., "The Apologist"
8. Sting, "Why Should I Cry For You"
9. DJ Cam, "Un Ete a Paris"
10. U2, "Desire"
Your turn -- put your Random Tens and VP suggestions (for either Obama or McCain) in the comments.