Monday, May 22

Stay classy, South Bend.

Normally I wouldn't consider this worthy of its own post, but it has been stated policy at every blog I've ever done that hate mail will be published in full, so . . . here's something that popped up in my inbox today:

From : THCOUGAR69@aol.com
Sent : Sunday, May 21, 2006 10:44 PM
To : paris_1968 (at) hotmail . com
Subject : irish rule

hey clown i read your blog about jimmy clausen i can tell your a georgia fan because you are clueless.hey nothing wrong with being a georgia fan someone has to be one.you and everyone else might as well deal with it THE IRISH ARE BACK!.charlie weis has probably forgotten more football than mark(i'll probably bolt for fla st.as soon as bowden retire's)richt will ever know.


Yowser, apparently somebody read my exhaustively researched history of the Tossin' Clausens and didn't like it too much. I'm still trying to figure which one of the following groups THCOUGAR69 falls into:

(a) Notre Dame fans (specifically, the subset of fans who didn't actually go to the school)

(b) Tennessee fans who have latched onto Notre Dame as their new bandwagon du jour because their own team currently sucks

(c) Georgia Tech fans determined to hate on UGA by any means necessary

(d) Some other group I've forgotten about

Given the fact that THCOUGAR69's brief e-mail contains a spelling error, 17 capitalization mistakes, and 10 punctuation errors (in but four sentences!), I'm favoring (b) over (a), but I'm curious to read y'all's speculation in the comments.

In which Hey Jenny Slater uses its hitherto unrevealed powers of ESP to very briefly read the thoughts of Justin Timberlake.



"Whew."

Photo bogarted from Go Fug Yourself.

Sunday, May 21

I don't mean to sound greedy, but . . . gimme.

Look, I love all you readers -- yes, both of you -- and the knowledge that I'm apparently bringing some element of joy to your lives is thanks enough for the work I do putting this blog together. Well, it was thanks enough . . . but now I want some stuff. And considering how badly you guys whiffed the last time I asked for stuff for my birthday, I figure that popping for some of the items on the following birthday list is the least you cheap schmucks can do. Especially given that my birthday is, hello, exactly two weeks from today. So pay f$#!ing attention!:


· The first item I asked for on my last birthday list was one of the life-sized Angelina Jolie stand-ups that Twentieth Century Fox sent out to movie theatres to promote "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" last spring. An example of which is pictured above. If you can look at that and tell me it's not the hottest thing ever, then congratulations, hope the monastery's treating you nice. Otherwise, buy/steal me one of these at your earliest convenience -- I'll even pick it up myself so you don't have to mail it! I mean, come on.


· One thing I'd really like to have hanging over my fireplace is one of those panoramic photographs of Sanford Stadium taken from the end zone (an example of which is depicted above). But what would be even awesomer than that is a painting (or print of same) of the "Prayer on the Plains," Michael Johnson's 19-yard touchdown catch that won the 2002 Georgia-Auburn game and clinched Georgia's first SEC East title ever. Obviously I know the first one exists; I'm not sure about the second. But either one will be a fine way of showing me you actually love me, as opposed to just being one of those people who says it but doesn't really mean it.


The "Prayer on the Plains." Also known as 70-X-Takeoff. Also known as suck it, Auburn. (By the way, did you know that I'm the #1 Google result for "70-X-Takeoff"? It's true, beeyatch!

· Also, I still want a model of an Airbus A380, available here or here.

· A new driver's-side outside mirror for a dark green 2000 Volkswagen Jetta. If you must know, some assbag parked all crooked in the little area behind my building, I thought I could pull into the space between him and the telephone pole without incurring any damage, it turned out I was mistaken. Look, the motor still works, all I need is the mirror and the exterior housing; just buy me the parts and I'll even pay for the labor myself.

· A #1 Atlanta Falcons D.J. Shockley jersey. They're not actually selling those yet, but you can customize one here. (I want a red jersey with white numbers, just in case you were wondering.)

· Anything off my Amazon.com wish list.

· Melissa Theuriau's phone number. Just the phone number, dude, I'll even learn French myself!


Si je vous disais que vous avez eu un beau corps, le tiendriez-vous contre moi . . . see, dude, I already know some French and stuff!

So there's your list. You've got two weeks . . . but what the hell, I know the mail runs slow and some of these can be hard to find, so I'll extend the deadline until Thursday, June 8, the day before I leave for New York for a week. But don't try and use that as an excuse to procrastinate or something. Get cracking!

The Hey Jenny Slater society page.

I have a formal request (actually, probably several by now) from college football blogosphere Mayor T. Kyle King to get off my ass already and post some of the pictures I took at our abortive, but still fun, bloggers' tailgate before the G-Day game last month. I also have pictures from this past weekend's Do Dah Day festivities, so this is gonna be a two-fer picture post of Events I've Been To Recently. Two picture posts in a row? Yes, it's madness up in here. We begin with Blogger[sort of]palooza:


From left to right, Ann, me, and T. Kyle within the cozy confines of the North Campus Parking Deck. Not appearing in your picture: Kyle's cousin Travis, because he was the one taking it.


Our tailgate spread -- not exactly an RV-sized bacchanalia, OK, but you'll note 1) fried chicken, 2) two boxes of Krispy Kremes, and 3) a cooler full of beer. Looks like a fine tailgate to me.


Baby Sis at the stadium right before kickoff.


OK, you'd have to Zapruder the hell out of this picture to be able to tell for sure, but I think this is Matt Stafford dropping back to pass on his first play from scrimmage, which, as you'll recall, ended up a 64-yard TD pass. Big cheers from the crowd, most of whom were prepared to hand Stafford the starter's job right then and there.


Postgame at midfield, the members of the 2005 SEC-title team get their championship rings.

And now for Do Dah Day:


Ann and my parents' new springer spaniel, Jake, enjoying the shade.


Jenna, enjoying some shade of her own. This is where she spent pretty much half the day . . .


. . . and here she is nosing around for food, where she spent the other half of the day.


We saw this little Boston terrier puppy in Rhodes Park -- the owner said it was about 9 weeks old, and she was even smaller than Jenna was when I got her.


Jenna inspects the puppy.


After three and a half hours in close-to-90-degree heat, both Jenna and Jake were pretty much exhausted when they got back -- or so one might think. But they only napped for about 30 minutes apiece before Jenna got right back to her usual M.O. -- annoying the shit out of Jake -- and this is the two of them playing tug-of-war with a toy that rightly belongs to Jake.

Friday, May 19

Friday Bostonblogging, the Random Ten, and bonus I-Couldn't-Make-This-Up-If-I-Triedness.

Now that I have a digital camera and can take pictures and everything, I know I promised I'd put more pictures of Jenna up on here, but today you get a double dose -- Amy brought over her Boston terrier, Ruby, the other night, and as usually happens when Jenna and Ruby get together, they immediately started rolling around on the floor and rasslin' each other like a couple of wild animals, only . . . well, a lot funnier. (Ruby's the one with the black face in the pictures, by the way.)

I don't know that I can truly paint you an accurate mental picture of two little Boston terriers fighting, but imagine the Ultimate Fighting Championship with midgets -- that's kind of what it looks like.









Anyway, Do Dah Day is tomorrow here in Birmingham, which, as with last year, should provide plenty more opportunities for canine-related tomfoolery and unrestrained treat-eating. (For Jenna, I mean, not for me. My treats come in bottles.)

Here's the Random Ten . . .

1. A Tribe Called Quest, "Like It Like That"
2. The Dust Brothers, "Finding the Bomb"
3. Crowded House, "In My Command"
4. Underworld, "Shudder/King of Snake" (live version)
5. U2, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"
6. Dean Martin, "He's Got You"
7. Radiohead, "Optimistic"
8. Pet Shop Boys, "Transparent"
9. DJ Shadow, "Midnight in a Perfect World"
10. Chad & Jeremy, "A Summer Song"

Now for the I Couldn't Make This Up If I Tried Award of the week: Go to the Web site for the Competitive Enterprise Institute and watch their TV spot titled "Energy." This ad attempts to respond to the controversy over global warming by talking about how great carbon dioxide is. The spot's tag line? "CO2 -- We call it life." No, dude, I'm not making this shit up. Even though the ad really looks like it was produced by the same PR firm who produces public-service announcements for Montgomery Burns, trying to convince the people of Springfield that three-eyed fish are really a good thing. Courtesy of Washington Monthly, we have an out-of-the-park satire of the ad here, with plenty more top-quality snark in the comments here. (My favorite alternate tag line: "CO2: We call it life. No, really, go ahead -- put that plastic bag over your head.")

And finally, I hadn't planned on posting about this, but there was something about this on Headline News this morning and I couldn't let it go. The latest bit of evidence in the matter of The People vs. Britney Spears involves Britney allegedly almost dropping her infant son as she scooted out of the Ritz-Carlton in New York City. Now, I'm not saying that almost dropping your baby is a good thing, but I don't see why that's what's making headlines about this story. First of all, poor little Sean Preston being dropped or otherwise endangered has almost become a fact of life; it's pretty much accepted that Sean Preston is going to end up in a foster home, a body cast, or both before age five. But second of all, Britney, who is pregnant, nearly dropped her kid coming out of the Ritz because she had a goddamn drink in her hand! So she's going to curse her second child with fetal alcohol syndrome in addition to the damage already wreaked by her and Kevin Federline's tainted, malignant genes. I really do think if you looked at Kevin Federline's sperm cells under a microscope, they'd be wearing thick glasses and plastic helmets and would be running into each other as they pooped in their pants and wailed for the mommies.

For the love of God, state of California, put Sean Preston with a loving family, and while you're at it, put an undercover agent in the maternity ward when Britney pops out the second one so it can be whisked away to safety the minute the umbilical cord is cut. We can save these children!

Wednesday, May 17

When the piper asks to be paid.

The blog Approximately Perfect touched briefly on a question that has been nagging at me for a while now. It prompted me to ask a new Question o' the Day, which I now pose, in a completely non-smart-ass context, to all of you, whether you're liberal, conservative, libertarian, Marxist, populist, anarchist, Scientologist, orthodontist, whatever: Do any of you guys seriously believe we're not gonna need, or have, a major tax increase in the next 5-10 years?

Think about it: Our budget deficits for the last four years are, in order, $157.8 billion, $377.6 billion, $412.7 billion, and $318.3 billion. The fact that our deficits, while still staggeringly huge, have at least started to shrink would be cause for hope were it not for the fact that the national debt is increasing unabated -- $8,338,162,385,897.57 as of Tuesday, an increase of more than $400 billion just since the last fiscal year ended in September, at which point it had increased nearly $600 billion since the September before that. And other countries, one of the biggest being China, hold this particular I.O.U.

Now the quick-'n'-easy response to this situation is, "Well, we gotta cut spending." And yeah, it would be great if we could do that, and it would also be great if Elisha Cuthbert would pull up to my building in a Mercedes SLK, hand me the keys and a pair of Georgia season football tickets, and then take me out to Ben & Jerry's. But if there's one thing the last few years have made clear, it's that the current crop of goofballs in Congress has little to no interest in actually cutting spending. (And by the way, the first person to suggest that Republicans have any more moral superiority on this issue than Democrats is getting anonymously subscribed to a dozen gay-porn magazines.) You can rail away about spending all you want, but as long as assbags like Don Young roam the halls of Washington, I doubt a lot is going to get done about it.

Plus, even if we could lobotomize people like Young and Richard Shelby and whoever else and convince them to stop setting aside money for $250 million bridges, we'd still have to keep shoveling money into Iraq for both military and civilian/humanitarian expenses (for which, by the way, Rumsfeld just went to Congress holding a cardboard "Will Continue to Fuck Up for Food and Another $65 Billion" sign); we'd still have New Orleans to try and put together; and we'd also have to pay for a big-ass fence and whatever else Congress decides is going to be part of their solution to the immigration issue.

Seriously, people, deride me as an old-fashioned tax-and-spend liberal if you must -- though I defy anyone to tell me how that's any worse than a don't-tax-but-spend-anyway conservative -- but we're gonna need a tax hike pretty soon. Maybe it just involves rolling back the truly obnoxious tax cuts the wealthy have been getting for the past five years, maybe our situation is dire enough that everyone's gonna have to take a hit, but taxes are going to have to come up. And it probably needs to be sooner rather than later. Am I just Chicken Littling around by daring to come out and say so, or do you agree that we're really on the verge of (if not already completely immersed in) a fiscal pooch-screwing of monumental proportions?

A buzz even Mike Adams can't kill.

Better bloggers than I have already commented on the petty douchebaggery inherent in UGA president Mike Adams's request that CBS, ESPN, and others cease referring to the annual Georgia-Florida game in Jacksonville as "The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party," so I'll simply reiterate my suggestion that if Adams is really that concerned about the nickname conjuring images of debauchery and illicit behavior, they should just rename the game "The World's Largest Mescaline-Fueled Underage Bang-a-Thon" and leave it at that. Classy, I like to call it.

But no, friend, my real reason for this post is to announce a Georgia achievement even Adams can't screw up (though one he'll almost certainly try to take credit for in one fashion or another): Georgia has broken Florida's 14-year stranglehold on the SEC's all-sports trophy, which is kind of like a Director's Cup specifically for the SEC. Georgia was buoyed to this achievement by virtue of its 2006 national championship in gymnastics, its current first-place national rankings in men's tennis and men's golf, and conference titles in football, gymnastics, women's swimming, men's tennis, men's golf, and women's indoor and outdoor track.

So anyway, congratulations, Bulldog athletes. And as for the other topic, is anyone positive that Mike Adams and John Ashcroft aren't really the same person? If you've ever seen them in the same room together, please send your photographic proof to me here. Thankee.

Tuesday, May 16

A salute to one of history's greatest Dougs.


Guys named Doug rule.

You know, if there's one thing I've learned in my almost-28 years, it's that there are only so many Dougs in the world, and thus only so many chances for one of us to make good. So when one of us does something awesome, we need to crow about it.

Thus I'm proud, not just as a Doug but as a human being, that Doug Flutie got to be the hero in the '84 BC-Miami game, and proud that after many years of trial and tribulation (and Canada), he got his shot in the NFL and made the most of it. Doug Flutie announced his retirement yesterday, but his contribution to football, and to Dougness, can never be forgotten. For bringing joy and pride to Dougs everywhere, Mr. Flutie, we salute you.

President Bush wears Bad Idea Jeans.



Guy #1: Hey, we've got our apartment. We ripped up the floors, pipes, wiring, and having everything completely redone.

Guy #2: You're renting, right?

Guy #1: Yeah.

[Image on screen: BAD IDEA]


Here's the thing: I actually agreed with a lot of what President Bush said last night in his prime-time speech. Tougher measures against employers to make sure they don't hire illegals? Fine with me. Guest-worker program? No argument here. Eventual path to citizenship for the illegal immigrants already in this country? Might as well, since there's no way in hell we can dump 12,000,000 million people into our prisons or round them up and truck them all back to Latin America. National Guard troops at the border? Well, fine, if you can find any who aren't in Iraq or scheduled to be there really soon.

All that said, though, it was a monumentally stupid move for Bush to have made that speech. The only people raising a truly huge stink about the immigration issue -- aside from the actual immigrants protesting in the streets -- are the hard-core right-wingers and straight-up racists who want to see every illegal in this country either thrown in jail or sent back to Mexico (or wherever). And when you get right down to it, those are the only people whose minds Bush really could've changed with his address. The moderates and progressives might've liked the proposals Bush outlined, but after the debacle in Iraq, the Hurricane Katrina fiasco, and the NSA phone-records blowup, those moderates and progressives have already made up their minds that Bush is a loser, and after a record of fuckuppery like that, it's going to take a lot more than a sane stance on immigration to change their minds. The right wing, which, as has been pointed out, is really one of the primary forces driving Bush's approval ratings lower than anyone ever thought they'd go, wanted to Bush to propose a major, head-knocking crackdown on illegals. And Bush didn't give them one, and that's going to piss them off. Basically, Bush's speech was tailored (intentionally or unintentionally) to appeal to a group of people who wouldn't give him the time of day no matter what he said; the general public and, more importantly, the Congressmen he really needed to get on his side appear roundly unconvinced.

So why did Bush stick his neck out and give this speech at all? Who the hell knows. Maybe Rove really is losing his Midas touch. Maybe Bush decided there's no way he's going to push his approvals back above 50 percent and grow some coattails in time for the midterm elections. Either way, this speech struck me as an extremely BAD IDEA.


"I don't know the guy, but I've got two kidneys and he needs one, so I figured . . . "

Monday, May 15

I hate to ruin your day, Mr. Rove . . .


Yes, ladies, he's single.

Aw, who'm I kidding? I love to ruin Karl Rove's day. I would ruin every single one of Karl Rove's days if I could. If I saw a position advertised on Monster.com for "Chief Day-Ruiner to the White House Deputy Chief of Staff," I would submit my application to that position with a résumé, a DVD, and about 100 references, and I'd call every damn day just to see if there was anything additional they'd like me to send. And I can't promise you I wouldn't offer to blow the HR person who interviewed me.

Here's what Unka Karl had to say today about George W. Bush's approval ratings, which were last seen limboing comfortably underneath a snake's belly:

Presidential adviser Karl Rove blamed the war in Iraq on Monday for dragging down President Bush's job approval ratings in public opinion polls. "People like this president," Rove said. "They're just sour right now on the war."

Rove said that Bush's likeability ratings are far higher than his approval ratings.
"There is a disconnect" because of the Iraq conflict, Rove told the American Enterprise Institute. (my emphasis)


To paraphrase a much better blog than this one . . . sadly, no! (Or if you're Melissa Theuriau and you're reading this, Tristement, non!)

Here you can find Bush's approval ratings as gauged by just about every such poll that's been taken since last September. And here you can find recent data on Bush's personal favorability ratings -- which, as Rove points out in what may be the one truthful thing he's said since he first got Bush elected, are distinct from approval ratings.

Let's compare:

CBS News/New York Times Poll. May 4-8, 2006. 1,241 adults nationwide. MoE ± 3.

Overall job rating: Approve 35%; disapprove 59%; unsure 6%
Personal opinion: Favorable 29%; unfavorable 55%; undecided/not sure 3%


Aieee . . . a likeability rating even lower than his job approval rating? Why, that isn't what Karl told us at all!

USA Today/Gallup Poll. April 28-30, 2006. 1,011 adults nationwide. MoE ± 3.

Overall job rating: Approve 34%; disapprove 63%; unsure 3%
Personal opinion: Favorable 39%; unfavorable 60%; undecided/not sure 1%


OK, that likeability rating was higher than the approval rating, but far higher? Not quite -- not that I think Karl'd be bragging about 39% regardless.

NBC News/Wall Street Journal Poll conducted by the polling organizations of Peter Hart (D) and Bill McInturff (R). April 21-24, 2006. 1,005 adults nationwide. MoE ± 3.1.

Overall job rating: Approve 36%; disapprove 57%; unsure 7%
Personal opinion: Very/somewhat positive 39%; somewhat/very negative 52%; undecided/neutral 9%


Again, we're talking margin-of-error difference between the approval rating and likeability rating here. One more:

CNN Poll conducted by Opinion Research Corporation. April 21-23, 2006. 1,012 adults nationwide. MoE ± 3.

Overall job rating: Approve 32%; disapprove 60%; unsure 8%
Personal opinion: Favorable 40%; unfavorable 57%; unsure 2%


So even in the one recent poll in which Bush's favorability rating exceeds his approval rating by a difference too big to be negated by simple MoE, he's got an unfavorable rating of 57%, nearly three people in five. Not exactly a ringing endorsement of Rove's declaration, in other words.

If that doesn't convince you, you can also go here to find out how many people think phrases like "honest and trustworthy" and "understands/cares about the problems of people like you" describe Bush. In each case, the numbers are either barely breaking into the 40s or relaxing comfortably in the 30s.

And here's a killer for all y'all hard-core right-wingers who insist that Bill Clinton's beejer from Monica Lewinsky is the root cause of September 11, high gas prices, and every other bad thing that's happened in the last six years: According to one poll, people even think Clinton was more honest than Bush.

Yikes, Karl. Keep your head down when you go visit Patrick Fitzgerald, m'kay?

ADDED: Wow, I didn't even have Rove's full comments. But Think Progress (link via Atrios) did, and they quote Rove as insisting that, according to the RNC, Bush's personal approval ratings are actually in the 60s. Well, I'm sure you can trust those numbers -- because the GOP has never been even remotely dishonest about anything, right?

Sunday, May 14

Roundtable time!

The Texas Longhorns blog Burnt Orange Nation recently served up a trio of off-season roundtable questions to folks participating in the college football BlogPoll, and as someone who hopes to be a member in '06, I figured I'd give this a shot . . . so here are the questions, and my answers:

Which offseason story are you most tired of, and, on the flip side, interested in?

Honestly, I'm already tired of hearing how Charlie Weis is going to turn Notre Dame back into a powerhouse and make them the greatest dynasty to have ever taken to the gridiron in human history. No disrespect intended to my fellow Papists in South Bend, or to Weis in particular, who by all acounts is a genial, upstanding, guy, but the sportswriters and talking heads are going to be looking for a replacement for Southern California as they strive to re-assemble an OMG Most Awesomest Team Ever storyline, and I've got a sneaking suspicion that Notre Dame is who they've picked.

You could see the groundwork for it being laid last season, when some of the folks at ESPN were ready to call the Notre Dame-USC game the greatest game ever almost as soon as the clock hit 00:00 -- it was a good game, no doubt, but to call it the greatest game ever was more than a little bit absurd. It was a win-win situation for the Irish, though, because if they'd won, they would've automatically been hailed as giant-killers and picked as a mortal lock to go to the Rose Bowl; and even in the loss, they played USC way closer than expected and thus got to be the recipient of the "watch out for these guys in 2006" accolades. Since then we've seen them beat out Oregon and Auburn for a berth in the Fiesta Bowl, where the media hype machine continued churning unabated (and gave us the embarrassing Laura Quinn spectacle), and almost every recruit they sign, from the laughably coiffed Jimmy Clausen to some wide receiver I'd never even heard of, gets written up on ESPN.com and a bunch of other places. It's not that I hate Notre Dame, certainly not the way a lot of people do, I just don't buy into the idea that any team, whether it's the Irish or the Yankees or the Cowboys or whoever, gets to be anointed as "America's Team" based on stuff they did decades ago and thus we all have to accept them being shoved down our throats.


Yikes, not only is Charlie Weis already running the spread offense like a well-oiled machine, he's totally stealing Urban Meyer's pointing-and-staring steez.

What I'm most interested in -- even though there are some who might say that Urban Meyer's Sooper Geniusness is being shoved down our throats every bit as obtrusively as the Notre Dame ascendancy storyline -- is seeing whether Meyer's spread offense can overcome some of its growing pains in Year II at Florida and start achieving the kind of success it did at Bowling Green and Utah. Obviously, as a fan of a team that has to play the Gators every year, I'd prefer it if Meyer's offense didn't become too prolific in Gainesville, but it'll still be an interesting process to watch, and it seems like there's a lot riding on this will-it-or-won't-it question, not just for the Gators but for college football in general. If the spread blows up like the Godfather in Gainesville, you could see a lot of teams shifting over to it in the near future, hoping to replicate Meyer's success; if it doesn't, then the shift to West Coast/spread-style offenses you've seen not just in Gainesville but in places like Lincoln and South Bend could be dealt a setback. I don't really have a dog in that particular fight, so I'll just be sitting back to see what happens.

Other storylines I'm kind of interested in: With Leinart, Bush and White gone, will somebody else win the Pac-10 for a change? Will Steve Spurrier's second year at South Carolina build on the promise of his first, or will he discover unequivocally that this isn't the SEC he left in 2001? And is the ACC really going to be a "superconference," or just 12 teams not really worth caring about all that much? Virginia Tech, Miami, and FSU were all expected to be the ones to lift the ACC to powerhouse status in its first year as a full 12-team, two-division conference, but all found high-profile, extremely embarrassing ways to screw up in '05 at various points. Somebody's got to win the conference championship, but whether that team ever so much as sniffs a shot at the national title is another matter.


Your head coach comes down with a mystery illness and has to step aside. You get to hand pick the replacement for the 2006 season. Who gets your vote?

I get to pick anybody? Hmmm . . . well, given that the Georgia football outlook for 2006 appears to involve breaking in a new QB whilst relying heavily on a loaded RB corps and a murderous D, the logical person to steer the ship would be Tommy Tuberville -- but like Kyle King, I'd rather disembowel myself with a table saw than voluntarily cheer for Tubbs. Not really crazy about making Jim Tressel a Bulldog, either. In the end, the college coach I'd probably pick first is Oklahoma's Bob Stoops. But then again . . . the BON guys never said my new guy has to be selected from the confines of college football so why not bogart somebody from the NFL? First choice there would be Joe Gibbs, but then he wouldn't be coaching the Redskins anymore, and that would suck, so . . . I'd go after Bill Cowher, coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers. He's managed to go pretty far with a run-first offense -- even won a Super Bowl recently, or so I hear -- and it's not like he doesn't have plenty of experience coaching Bulldogs.


Slap a Georgia cap on him, and this look would make Phil Fulmer crap his pants.

Lastly, we'll mix the football and the blogging together here. If you could have anyone switch allegiances and start covering your team, who you gonna pick?

Well, Mayor T. Kyle King said it would be a loss for the sports blogosphere as a whole if the guys at Every Day Should Be Saturday restricted themselves to a single team. I say fuck the rest of the sports blogosphere -- adding Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana to an already loaded list of dedicated Georgia bloggers would be like recruiting Reggie Bush onto a team that had already signed Vince Young, A.J. Hawk, Adrian Peterson, and Leonard Pope. ("Which one of those are you, Doug?" you may be asking; why, none of the above, dear reader -- I'm Billy Bennett, the plucky, spot-on accurate kicker. I may not be the most imposing physical specimen, but I'm clutch, baby.) Except I'm pretty sure that Orson and Stranko have never been invited by an agent to live rent-free in a three-quarter-million-dollar house. But anyway, when I finally take home a nine-figure jackpot in the Mega Millions lottery, right after I offer UGA $25 million to change the name of Sanford Stadium to Sanford Field at Doug Gillett Stadium, I figure I'll offer the EDSBS guys each a Bugatti Veyron to renounce Florida and switch their allegiances to the red and black. Then it's off to St. Bart's for a year or two.


Red and black, of course, with 1,001 brake horse power for those moments when you've really got to make it to a rest area.

Friday, May 12

I'm huge in Oregon.

Y'all may or may not have heard about a Web site called Platial, "The People's Atlas," which uses Google Maps technology to allow people to create personalized maps of places that are important to them (it also allows people to set up community maps where random people can stop by and leave markers of their own). I heard about this on NPR a few weeks ago, and while I was bored one afternoon, I went by there and created a map of all the places I could remember being dumped or otherwise rejected in some way, just to give it a whirl. The list, rather unfortunately, turned out to be even longer than I expected, but . . . well.

Anyway, last week I got an e-mail from a reporter from The Oregonian in Portland, the city where Platial was created. He'd seen my map on Platial and I guess thought it was funny, and asked me about it for an article he was doing on the Platial phenomenon and what various people use it for. I sent him an e-mail back with some more stuff about me, and today . . . voilá.

Some other people might shy away from this kind of attention. Me, I say any publicity is good publicity, especially when they spell your name right. Plus this actually puts me in a better light than any of the newspaper coverage I've gotten here in Birmingham -- just ask any of my friends around here.


When I get elected president, they're going to print these out and sell them like "maps to the stars' homes" or some shit.

Friday Random Ten, Damn Right It Was A Good Day Edition.

All is right with the world this morning -- the Braves won, so did the Dawgs (beating the Yellow Jackets -- again), Bush is below 30, Birmingham is finally first in something football-related, I actually have a date tonight, the birds are singing, the bees are having sex with them . . . as is my understanding. And all this before 7:30 a.m., even.

Ahem. The Random Ten:

1. DJ Shadow, "Mutual Slump"
2. Depeche Mode, "Never Let Me Down Again"
3. Richard Cheese, "Fight For Your Right"
4. Pet Shop Boys, "Sexy Northerner" (Superchumbo mix)
5. DT8 Project, "The Sun is Shining (Down On Me)" (House mix)
6. Average White Band, "Pick Up the Pieces"
7. Talking Heads, "Psycho Killer"
8. Dead Milkmen, "Right Wing Pigeons"
9. R.E.M., "At My Most Beautiful"
10. Dave Attell, "Lonely Bug"

Leave your own Random Ten, and whichever joyous and/or barbaric yawps you care to share with the rest of the world, in the comments.

Thursday, May 11

Thursday Mystery Meat.


I can totally see this guy playing the super-villain in "M:i:IV."

· Our top story this morning: Somebody has located a "sequel" of sorts to the "Spirit of Truth" crazy-preacher video I linked to on here a couple weeks ago. Doesn't quite have the OMG shock value of the first one, but still, I sense a cult following in the making. Someone offer this guy a movie deal already!

· Not that I'm some tremendous fan of the Cardinals, but how awesome would it be if not only did Barry Bonds somehow find a way to not break Babe Ruth's home-run record (much less Hank Aaron's) this year, but he also had to watch his own single-season record get smoked by Albert Pujols?

· The great thing about college football is that even during the interminable months when no actual football is being played, you can still argue about ancillary stuff like historical bad calls, who really deserved to go to the national-title game in year X, and which uniforms suck and which don't. Mayor T. Kyle King gives his own opinions here and follows up with a parting shot aimed at the colors orange, maroon, and brown. Autumn colors = yecch on football uniforms, in other words. My choice for the top five uniforms: Georgia and UAB (durr), Virginia, Kansas, and Alabama; the bottom five are Tennessee, Oregon, Wyoming, Oklahoma State, and any unis that are part of the alternate-color-shoulder line Nike foisted on an unsuspecting public last year.


Sure, you can say "I wouldn't be caught dead in that," but Chris Leak got sacked 30 times last season -- he almost did get caught dead in that.

· Virginia Tech wore those silly-ass jerseys for a few games last season, too, so I could've put Marcus Vick's picture up there instead, but . . . bagging on him has gotten to the point where it's almost not fun anymore.

· Stop stealing my ideas, Andrew Sullivan. This is not the first time this has happened.

· Reminder -- the Pet Shop Boys' new single, "I'm With Stupid," came out Tuesday, and the album from whence it sprung, Fundamental, is due in just under two weeks. Your status as a Friend of Hey Jenny Slater is, as previously noted, contingent upon purchasing at least one of these.


I've said it before and I'll say it again -- if lovin' the Pet Shop Boys is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Wednesday, May 10

Return of the Simpsons; or, Things to do in Denver when you're bored.

OK, I know I probably promised at some point that I wasn't going to do this again, but . . . well, I was bored, so I decided to update the Simpsons/college football post from a few months back. No, for real, this is the last time, I promise. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about with any of this, first go here, where the following teams have been appended to the original post. Here we go . . .


West Virginia: Cletus
Their hillbilly steez leaves them vulnerable to a lot of redneck/inbreeding jokes, but they're crazy like a fox, so don't mess with them unless you're prepared to see some serious damage left in their wake -- just ask the Bulldogs. (Browbeaten into this by literally dozens of commenters.)


Northwestern: Professor Frink
Geek quotient and steady stream of hoyven glayven-worthy screwups in the lab and on the gridiron would seem to indicate that they don't need to be taken all that seriously, yet every once in a while, in the midst of their usual explosions and embarrassing misfires, they manage to come up with a weapon that qualifies as truly dangerous.


Purdue: Dr. Julius Hibbert
Jolly sorts who seem to be able to weather any kind of tragedy -- losing a patient, stumbling through a 5-6 season -- with an "Oh well, we'll get 'em next time" kind of attitude. While this outlook might be sunny and carefree, however, they're eventually going to have to get on the stick and start taking things seriously if they ever want to advance. (Of course, as Kansas State and Nick Riviera have demonstrated, things could certainly be a lot worse.)


California: Dr. Marvin Monroe
Touchy-feely approach seems to be just the ticket on paper, and has been hailed by countless trend-followers looking for the Next Big Thing -- yet nobody who's been through this program, be it one of the Simpsons or Kyle Boller, seems to have improved all that much.


Tulane: Bleeding Gums Murphy
Hard-luck cases you really want things to work out for, even if you have no personal attachment to them, yet paradoxically, their deep ties to the blues mean that any lasting success would kind of negate their underdog status and thus their ability to make people root for them.


Hawaii: Bee Guy
¡Que curiosidad! Out on the fringes, to be sure, but they've each managed to parlay their respective gimmicks into personae that are memorable, if not exactly multifaceted. Consequential or not, they seem like they'd be perfectly enjoyable to hang out with. (Yes, I know everyone was expecting Bee Guy to be Georgia Tech, but come on, Comic Book Guy was perfect.)


Texas Tech: Sideshow Mel
Also gimmick players, but gimmick players who have managed to take their various devices and turn them into a whole lot more media attention than they ever would've gotten otherwise. At times they actually look a good bit smarter than the headliners, but at the same time you can't really see them carrying a show all by themselves.


Idaho and Utah State: Rod and Todd Flanders
Small-time, easily dismissible tykes hailing from some of the Jesus-freakiest places on earth. Barren, ultraconservative existences make even the most minor victories worth cheering about. Main roles in life seem to be serving as easy marks for the LSUs/Ralph Muntzes of the world as they go in search of easy targets.


Kansas: Rev. Timothy Lovejoy
Non-flashy, ultraconservative, occasionally manage to do something that captures the attention of the general public, but this usually lasts only a few moments before everyone turns to hipper, more visible programs. They give it their all every weekend, yet you can't help but think they?d be a lot happier if they could just chuck the whole thing and concentrate on their true passions, be it basketball or model trains.


Marcus Vick: Helen Lovejoy
OK, I know this doesn?t really make much sense, I just had to make one "Won't somebody think of the children?" joke.


Missouri: Jessica Lovejoy
Wicked seductresses who'll only break your heart every single time. Seem to have everything a guy could want, but you're destined to come away feeling disappointed, empty, and used.


North Carolina State: Otto Mann
Two cast members for whom underachievement and relaxed standards have become a way of life. Constantly keep people guessing as to whether there's really any higher brain function going on up there or not.


UTEP and Tulsa: Sherri and Terri
Minor enough that you really don't want to have to pay attention to them, but they're quick-witted enough to be constant thorns in somebody's side. Very strange, even unsettling, coloration.


Southern Methodist: Jebediah Springfield
Each was once an O.G. in their respective universes, to the point where any historical account has to include them virtually by default -- but once their horrible secrets were laid bare to the public, they pretty much became a joke after that. Embiggened by a little face-saving cromulence of late, but they've still got a long way to go before they can hold their heads up high around anyone.


Boise State: Inanimate Carbon Rod
Showered with media coverage and ticker-tape parades, but how much of what they've done is actual accomplishment, and how much of it is simply managing to look good compared to the bumbling incompetents they're surrounded by? Have garnered a truly astounding amount of adulation from simply being in the right place at the right time (and being wielded by the right guy).


San Jose State: Hans Moleman
How is it that these guys aren't dead yet?


The Sun Belt Conference: Happy Little Elves
The Elves aren't real people, and I'm not convinced any of the SBC's members are real D-IA football teams. Crude in their methods, entertaining enough for those with relaxed standards, but most discerning fans grow out of them real quick.

As always, your comments and additional suggestions are welcome . . .