I breathed a huge sigh of relief upon finding out that I wasn't included on The Phoenix's list of "The 100 Unsexiest Men in the World." Lord knows it was probably touch-and-go there for a while -- if they got so much as a hint of my recent dating history, they'd probably have to assume the worst.
Yet I couldn't help but be surprised at some other omissions. OK, I can grudgingly concede their "power is sexy" rationale for not having Dick Cheney (and, I can only assume, Karl Rove) on there, but what's their excuse for leaving these guys off?:
Scott McClellan. Maybe I'm wrong for piling on Sucka MC on the day he resigned from his post as White House press secretary, but let's be honest here -- this guy belongs in Webster's next to the entry for "doughy." He looks like the guy who isn't especially bright or social, isn't well-liked by chicks, and spends most of his time at parties passed out on the couch, but still got into the frat because his dad knew a guy who knew a guy. On the other hand, his "Rain Main" impression is killer.
Phil Fulmer. What can I say about Tennessee's head football coach that hasn't already been said -- or that would be as simultaneously funny and accurate as the description offered by the AJC's Jeff Schultz a few years ago: a "tangerine with ears." Also the purveyor of some of the most unfortunate sweat stains in college athletics.
Russell Crowe. All the doughiness of Scotty McClellan, with the addition of a truly obnoxious attitude and the constant nagging suspicion that he may not have bathed in the past week. Seriously, ladies -- you actually found this guy attractive at some point? Was it the gladiator costume?
Brent H. Baker. You're probably looking at this photo and thinking, "Jeez, looks like the kind of guy who does nothing but sit inside and watch TV all day." Well, guess what! As "vice president for research and publications" at the right-wing scoldapalooza Media Research Center, Baker gets bankrolled by deep-pocketed and empty-headed right-wingers to do precisely that. Makes Ben Stein look like Jude Law.
Ann Coulter. Even if I was gay, I wouldn't do him.
Michael Flatley. Relatively speaking, he's still famous enough that we can still make fun of him, right? We can? Oh good. His latest show is called "Celtic Tiger," which, in the words of Dave Attell, is "partly queer with a chance of fag." I also blame Flatley for spawning the whole metrosexual chest-waxing fad.