I know the OMG Biggest Game Evar this weekend is Michigan-Ohio State, but with all due respect to a Buckeye-fan commenter I'll get to in a minute, down here in Alabama, we only just found out the Big Ten was in Division I-A a few years ago. And I wanted to share with you the experience of a very close friend of mine from college, who for reasons too complicated to explain went to the Wisconsin-Iowa game in Iowa City this past weekend. Based on this experience, she says she finally has empirical proof that the Big Ten has nothing on the SEC when it comes to tailgating or anything else. Our girl on the scene points out thusly:
· Iowa has two majorettes. One of them is a dude.
· Most of the music in the stadium was piped-in shit like at an NBA game, not the marching band. Which was probably fine because Wisconsin didn't bother to send their band, not like Iowa isn't about the closest school in the Big 10 from them. Still, I don't approve. If I wanted to hear multiple playings of the first 15 seconds of Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train," I'd go to a fucking Atlanta Braves game and wait for Chipper Jones to bat. This is supposed to be college football.
· Remember how we used to go to the Miss Georgia pageant every year and joke that the girls in the audience were all dressed as if, just in case, there would be an off chance that Miss Magnolia Midlands would, like, sprain an ankle or something and they'd have to pinch pageant? Full hair, full makeup, prom attire, the works? Ridiculous. Well, the same goes for Big 10 football. I know those lazy bastards don't find it necessary to dress or anything for a football game, so I was prepared to see a ton of people in sweatshirts. No biggie. I was wearing one myself -- when in Rome and all that. Here's what I was not prepared for: the number of people who were not just wearing sweatshirts, but sweatPANTS too, That's the kind of thing that doesn't show up on TV. Wow. All I can say is, wow.
· Iowa fans were booing after dropped pass No. 2. Unbelievable. First off, no Georgia fan would even NOTICE there was a dropped pass trend until about No. 5 or No. 6, that's how bad we are. And I'm not going to sit around and pretend Georgia fans never boo their own team, but people get really mad about it when that happens. Booing your own team is a total no-no in the SEC. (With one huge, orange-and-blue jean-shorts wearing exception in the University of Florida, whose fans are uncouth fistfuckers who aren't even Southern except in the geographical sense of the word and deserve all the booing they heap on their team. So they'll boo at the Swamp. But then again, no one likes them.)
· Neither team appeared to have a kickoff cheer (like "Go Dawgs, Sic 'Em" or "Roll Tide, Roll" or "War Eagle Hey"). . . . Wait, I take that back. When Iowa was receiving, but not kicking, the loudspeaker would play a few seconds of the Rolling Stones' "Start Me Up." Which would be totally bitchin' if I was watching a commercial for Windows 95. But I complained already about the music, so now I'm just piling on.
· You know how on a big third down usually the defense will lift their arms as if to tell their fans, hey, you lazy fucks, how about standing up and cheering for us on this big third down, it's the least you can do while we're out here getting our faces pounded? And then everyone does stand up. Both Iowa and Wisconsin were doing that. Only students responded, though. And not even all of them.
So overall I was not impressed. I'm not saying the SEC experience is better, not by any means. All I'm saying is, I'm about done hearing Big 10 folks -- who have never been to a game in any other conference -- talk all day long about how they're the only ones who know how it's done. Shenanigans. That's what I'm calling. Shenanigans.
Wow. Harsh words, I know, but still, it makes me feel more assured in thinking that the biggest game of the weekend, at least in my little corner of Dixie heaven, is still Auburn-Alabama. Yeah, this game hasn't had national-title implications in years; lately the only implications it's had is which coach is going to need to be updating his résumé over Thanksgiving weekend. But be that as it may, when I walk into my office on Monday, half of the people there are going to be suicidally depressed and the other half are going to be the ones driving them to it, and Bama-Auburn is going to determine who's who.
Anyway, I've slagged on the Big Ten enough, and in all fairness, Michigan-Ohio State is a pretty big game (in case that fact wasn't drilled into your skull enough by ESPN over the past month and a half). I should probably show more gratitude than that, especially given that one of my commenters who is an avowed Buckeye fan threw in a contribution to the whole Scarlett-Johansson-in-a-Hooters-uniform thing, which appears to be very close to taking on a life of its own:
As Borat would say, great success. Kudos, Buckeye. Maybe we'll make this a weekly Photoshop contest like they do on Fark.com. What's next? Jenna Bush in a Playboy bunny costume? Sky's the limit.
Anyway, enough of that. The Ten:
1. The Clash, "Julie's in the Drug Squad"
2. Mint Royale, "From Rusholme With Love"
3. Gorillaz, "Dracula"
4. Cat Stevens, "There Goes My Baby"
5. Underworld, "Pearl's Girl" (Live at Benicassim 2005)
6. Fun Lovin' Criminals, "Love Unlimited"
7. U2, "Zoo Station"
8. Janet Jackson, "When I Think of You"
9. Dimitri from Paris, "Un World Mysteriouse"
10. Pet Shop Boys, "The Theatre"
Your Ten(s), big game predictions, off-color rants, and whatever else in the comments. Dzienkuje.