Wednesday, November 3
Manic-Depressive Preview: Yes, we're doing Idaho State.
After three straight inspiring wins, our previewers resumed having their hearts ripped directly from their chests last week. Each of them took the overtime loss to Florida in different ways -- Depressive Doug fully expected a demoralizing loss, so he just got drunk and went to bed. Manic Doug, however, drove all over the neighborhood playing Kool Keith's "Spankmaster" album at maximum volume and trying to pick up MILFs out trick-or-treating with their kids. (You don't want to know what his costume was.) Neither pursuit proved terribly productive, but they've done their best to shrug off their disappointment and put forth an effort to say something meaningful about this weekend's game against DI-AA Idaho State. Well, one of them did, at least.
Manic Doug: Dude. Get up, bro. Up and at 'em.
Depressive Doug: Why?
MD: 'Cause we have to preview Idaho State.
DD: No we don't. (rolls back over)
MD: Come on, man. If I have to do it, you have to do it.
DD: Why do either of us have to do it? I mean, it's Idaho State. They're a I-AA team, and they're not even a good I-AA team. We'll be lucky if even two-thirds of the people who bought tickets actually use them. Why are you so jazzed about doing this, anyway?
MD: I wouldn't say I'm jazzed, exactly, but at the very least, it'll be a nice way of bouncing back from the Cocktail Party and laying a hurtin' on someone. Build back some confidence, like. I'm gonna go tailgate, bring the dog, hang out in Athens for an afternoon . . . I'm even bringing donuts. Oh, and I even found an Associated Hottie -- Stacy Dragila, the first woman to ever win an Olympic gold medal in pole vault, went to Idaho State.
DD: Well, I'm very proud of you for finding that out, and hope you get to use that little nugget on "Jeopardy!" someday. But I don't care if she won 10 gold medals and cured cancer, it ain't enough to get me excited about this game. We'll probably spend the first quarter licking our wounds, only kick things into gear around halfway through the second quarter, hold an embarrassingly small lead at halftime, and then wear down their depth in the second half to make the final score look somewhat respectable. Whoop-dee-doo. Maybe if we'd beaten Florida I'd be up for this, but . . . seriously, dude, who cares.
MD: Yeah, you know what that sounds like? The prediction you gave right before the opener against Louisiana-Lafayette. Which we ended up winning 55-7. See, you're so convinced we're still gonna be bummed about the loss to Florida and come out flat and distracted, but I think just the opposite is true -- they're gonna be looking for some redemption, looking to build some confidence, and they're really gonna lay a hurting on ISU. And they should be able to -- the Bengals have a terrible offense and an even worse defense. I'd put money on a shutout happening, if I had any left.
DD: Yeah, how much did you bet on the Dawgs beating Florida? No, wait -- don't tell me. It'd only make me more depressed. Fine, yes, we are superior to ISU in every phase of the game, we have better athletes, better coaching, blah blah blah, but I still don't see how anyone on our side is gonna get up for this game. And really, a shutout? Florida was completely hopeless on offense for the first two month of the season and we still ended up making them look like they still had Tebow on the roster. We're gonna let them get past us for at least one or two scores.
MD: We didn't against Tennessee Tech last year, and Idaho State is probably even worse than they are.
DD: Yeah, but they do have the number-two punt returner in DI-AA, Tavoy Moore, and the number-one punter. Don't think we can count on winning the field-position battle this week.
MD: It won't matter if we win every other battle. Seriously, are you listening to yourself? "Number-two punt returner in DI-AA"? That's like being the second oboist in the Pyongyang Symphony Orchestra.
DD: Fine. Tell me your score prediction, if you're so confident.
MD: Aaron Murray's looking to atone for throwing three picks last week, so he comes out bombing away. A.J. Green goes well over 100 yards and pulls in a couple scores; Washaun and Caleb each get close to 100 yards themselves.
And yes, we pitch a shutout, because the Bengals have no running game whatsoever and they're giving up about four and a half sacks per game. Justin Houston is gonna pad the hell out of those sack numbers, and a couple guys on our second or third string probably will be, too. Final score, fifty-nine to nothing.
DD: Well, that sounds lovely. I stand by my original prediction -- we're up maybe, oh, 17-7 at halftime and finally stretch it out to 41-14 by the end of the game.
MD: You don't think we're gonna beat Idaho State any worse than we beat Tennessee?
DD: I hadn't even taken the energy to remember that that's how many we beat Tennessee by, if that clears things up for you.
MD: Well, our predictions add up to a 50-7 win for the Dawgs, which I'd be fine with. Still think we're gonna get the shutout, though.
DD: Well, fine. Think it over there. I'm busy cowering in fear that this is the last win we get this season and we don't end up going to a bowl.
MD: Why does talking to you always make me want to kill myself?
DD: Uh . . . because my plan is working perfectly?
MD: Fine, be that way. But when I come home with a belly full of donuts and wonderful memories of a seven-touchdown Georgia ass-thrashing, you're gonna be jealous.
DD: Somehow I think I'll deal with it.