Last week we discussed what not to wear when you're otherwise completely nekkid. I think we can all agree that to walk into the bedroom completely naked except for dark socks or a bicycle helmet would be pretty weird (and emphatically mood-killing). But let's say you want to do a little naked accessorizing for a special occasion. What can you use? Hey Jenny Slater is here to help with the second installment of its fashion-themed +5 series: Five Things It's OK To Wear When You're Otherwise Completely Naked.
White athletic socks
I know what you're thinking: Why is it OK to wear white socks when naked but not black socks? Honestly I can't put it into concise words. Maybe it's the athleticism implied by white socks, whereas dark socks just imply "board meeting" or "senior citizen in dark socks and sandals using his metal detector on the beach." Maybe it's because white socks are a valuable ingredient in any "naughty cheerleader" or Hooters-girl role-playing. But whatever the case, white socks are OK. Stripes at the top are also acceptable if you want to bring your team colors into it.
If you're not ready to go with just white socks, a jersey is a good way to protect your virtue while still gearing up for some action. Granted, not everybody is turned on by this, but I think most of the rabid sports fans I know would be thrilled to find that their significant other was willing to combine one of their favorite things, i.e. sports, with another one of their favorite things, i.e. doin' it. Particularly if the jersey in question is from your favorite team. That's a pretty special gesture.
Always awesome. I shouldn't have to explain this one. High heels always a plus. (Excluded from this category: galoshes and duck boots. Oh, and hip waders. Work boots are OK if you're trying to play Sexy Plumber or something, but you've got to exercise caution. That one's not for amateur hour.)
A touch of class for an otherwise debaucherous situation. Having a girl wearing nothing but elbow-length gloves come into your room lets you imagine you're bedding someone far above your station, living out one of those "illicit affair with a member of the royal family" fantasies. (I'm the only one who has those? OK then.) Or maybe you really are bedding someone far above your station, in which case, so much the better.
There's an element of danger here that's just too awesome to pass up. When someone comes into your room wearing nothing but bullets across their chest, that's basically them saying, "I want to have sex with you, but it's going to be dangerous. In fact, there's a significant chance that we're going to get shot at while we're doing it." But if they've got that much ammo on them, there's a reasonable expectation that they're going to protect you, and how special is that?
Also acceptable: thigh-high stockings, T-shirts, rollerskates, all neckwear except for bowties and ascots, lifejackets, pillbox hats, snakes. I'm glad we could have this talk.
And now the Ten:
1. The Who, "Who Are You"
2. Beck, "Dead Wild Cat"
3. Outkast, "Hey Ya!"
4. U2, "Lemon"
5. 3rd Bass, "Soul in the Hole"
6. The Sex Pistols, "God Save the Queen"
7. The Dust Brothers, "Space Monkeys"
8. Madonna, "Beautiful Stranger"
9. A Tribe Called Quest, "Can I Kick It?"
10. Lou Reed, "Walk on the Wild Side"
Your Random Tens, along with any suggestions you might have about proper naked accessorizin', are welcome in the comments.