Thursday, October 8

You take the passive road, and I'll take the aggressive road, and I'll get to Knoxville before ye:
A (slightly leading) Hate Week roundtable.

With UGA-UT Hate Week upon us, some kind of roundtable was certainly called for, and I could think of no better and more available source for inside Vol dope than the prolific Holly at Snarkastic. While the initial purpose of this endeavor may actually have been to educate and inform, however, it . . . well, it kind of went downhill in a hurry, as you'll see. What follows are the questions I managed to ask Holly before our exchange devolved into a game of "Why're you hitting yourself" (or, in Tennessee's case, "Why're you intercepting yourself"); my answers to Holly's equally bitchy questions will be up at her joint shortly. Enjoy, if you can.

I came up with seven questions. I know that's a lot of questions for a Tennessee grad to deal with, particularly when none of them involve things like "Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you," but if you need me to pare any of these down just let me know.

Moonshinin' is winnin', son.

1. Tennessee's most notable performance this season has been its "moral victory" at Florida in which they held the top-ranked Gators to 23 points and lost by 10. By how many points will they need to lose to Georgia to ensure another suitably moral triumph?

I don't think that's something we need to be worrying about, frankly. If that's the kind of hurt we put on Tebow, just imagine what the Ginger Ninja will be feeling come 4 p.m. or so.

2. There has been a great deal of speculation as to why Lane Kiffin so frequently looks like a fussy toddler on the sideline, much of it focusing on Kiffin not getting the juice boxes some say he was promised. Do you feel this has anything to do with his attitude, and if so, what is Tennessee's strategy for ensuring Kiffin gets juice boxes at regular intervals against the Bulldogs?

We're switching him to milk, actually, for maximum soothage:



3. Other observers attribute Kiffin's crankiness to lingering resentment over the fact that his father, Monte, is the one actually coaching the team. Please confirm or deny.

I would like to defer this question directly to Coach Kiffin for rebuttal:



4. Top UT recruit Nu'Keese Richardson's name is spelled "Nu'Keese." Why?

Ask Rantavious Wooten or Bacarri Rambo.

5. You are given the choice between starting Jonathan Crompton at QB for the remainder of the 2009 season or being surreptitiously filmed in the nude by Michael David Barrett and having the footage posted on the Internet. Which do you pick?

Option C, for "Catfish," of course.

6. In one word or less, please list the accomplishments that Tennessee has achieved without David Cutcliffe on the coaching staff.



[Editor's note: Had I known Holly was going to include that clip in her answer, I would've added "Has any fan base ever been so proud of giving up a first down to Knowshon Moreno?" to the list of questions I sent her.]

7. The Volunteer defense has barely missed a step from last season's performance, ranking 19th in the nation in total yards allowed even after playing Florida and Auburn and boasting the SEC's third-leading tackler, safety Eric Berry. Speaking of safeties, how embarrassing was it when Georgia's Sean Jones returned a fumble 92 yards for a touchdown on the very last play of the first half against Tennessee in 2003, sparking a four-touchdown win for the Bulldogs in Knoxville? Please phrase your answer in the form of a vial of Casey Clausen's tears so that I may drink and savor them.

Let's see . . . having to reach back about half as far to find the last time we really fucked y'all up, I'm gonna say it's about half as embarrassing as having fifty hung on you in your own house. Kisses!

HJS thanks Ms. Anderson for her participation in this exercise, and invites her to go fuck herself.

Wednesday, October 7

OK, I'm back to not being over it again.

The excessive-celebration penalties leveled against Georgia and LSU this past Saturday have been endlessly analyzed and debated, and as much as it pissed me off at the time, in the end, I'm with Quinton: The penalty didn't lose us the game. It made it harder for us to win the game, but in the end, awful kickoff coverage and an inability to tackle Charles Smith on his game-winning 33-yard run were what lost it. So based on all that, I was still disappointed, but I was over it.

Or so I thought. Turns out there was a different blown call earlier in the game that might've had a much bigger impact on the outcome than any of the flags that were actually thrown.

Here's a couple photos of a tackle of Georgia's Caleb King. The LSU player who's got him by the ankle is #24, Harry Coleman; the only tackle of King with which Coleman was credited happened on a 3rd-and-13 midway through the fourth quarter. King caught a pass for a 7-yard gain, and then this happened:




Senator Blutarsky runs down the list:

· Helpless player? Check – he’s already in the grasp of a defender and being tackled.
· Lead with the head? Check – Alem’s upper torso is parallel to the ground.
· Left his feet? Check.


That counts as both spearing and helmet-to-helmet contact, either one of which would be worth a 15-yard personal foul on #84, Rahim Alem. But in spite of the fact that King's fucking jaw was fractured by this hit, no flag was thrown.

With no penalty applied, Georgia had to punt on 4th-and-6; starting at their own 12, LSU proceeded to go on an 88-play touchdown drive that took 3:54. With 2:47 left, they kicked off to Georgia, who went on a 79-yard touchdown drive of their own that lasted 1:38. That was the TD for which A.J. Green was inexplicably flagged, so LSU had 1:09 left to drive only 38 yards for the touchdown.

But if the penalty had been properly applied to the Alem spear, Georgia would've had first-and-10 from the LSU47 with 6:47 left. Let's say they run three more plays, run a minute and a half off the clock, but don't get enough for the first down, and have to punt from the LSU42 with 5:17 to go.

From there, Drew Butler might either pooch it and pin the Tigers inside their own 20 or accidentally boot it into the end zone for a touchback, but either way, LSU scores their go-ahead TD with about a minute and a half left -- enough time for Georgia to score their winning TD (maybe having to call a time-out, but they had two left), squib the kickoff, and leave LSU with only a handful of seconds to try and come up with the winning score.

So, like . . . fuck.

Look, it's bad enough when dumbass refs affect the outcome of a game by randomly, arbitrarily applying rules that only concern keeping players from acting like showboaty douchebags (not that that's what A.J. Green was doing, because we've all agreed that he wasn't). When dumbass refs affect the outcome of a game by randomly, arbitrarily applying rules that concern keeping players' jaws from getting broken, that's unconscionable. And if the refs who worked the LSU-Georgia game haven't picked up the spearing/helmet-to-helmet/unnecessary-roughness rules any more thoroughly than they have the excessive-celebration rules, then they need to be more than apologized for; they need to be told to find new jobs.

That boy ain't right: The Tennessee preview.


Lane Kiffin, Jonathan Crompton: Sounds like a round of "Death is Not an Option" to me.

Hometown: Knoxville, Tennessee.

Last season: Ranked 18th in both polls in the preseason, the Vols went right out and shit the bed with an overtime loss to a bad UCLA team, and after getting well against an even worse UAB team, went through a 2-6 slump in which they scored only 12.5 points per game, fired their coach, and managed to lose to Wyoming. In their Homecoming game. Saved face at the end of the season with multiple-score victories over Vandy and Kentucky but still finished 5-7 (3-5 SEC) and bowl-less.

Hate index: Eight, down from forty-one last year. The fact that I'm dating a Tennessee grad may have something to do with this. Also her parents are very nice. (Come Saturday, of course, they're all dead to me.)

Associated hottie: Model Charity Hodges graduated from South Florida but began her college education at UT, so that counts. And of the first 100 results you get when you do a Google image search for her name, 87 involve her wearing (or, alternately, doing her best not to wear) a bikini of some sort. I believe this is what's called knowing one's strengths and capitalizing on them.





What excites me: Well, the first entry in this category is a no-brainer -- Tennessee QB Jonathan Crompton currently "boasts" (if that's the right word) the 91st-ranked QB rating in all of Division I-A, worse than every QB we've faced so far except for Arizona State's Danny Sullivan. And that's if you include Crompton's five-TD performance against hapless Western Kentucky, a game even diehard Tennessee fans would agree has about as much relevance to the rest of their season as the invasion of Grenada did to the Cold War. Crompton did have a non-terrible game against Auburn (259 yards, 2 TDs, no picks), but more than two-thirds of those yards and both TDs came in the fourth quarter, by which point Auburn had gone up 23-6 and was in protect-the-lead mode. In the first three quarters, Crompton was only 7-of-22 for 78 yards (and, naturally, a fumble). Here's another fun factoid: Of the season-long receptions for each of Tennessee's top 12 receivers, all but two of them came either against WKU or in the fourth-quarter comeback attempt against Auburn. Outside of those five quarters, Crompton has completed all of seven passes longer than 20 yards all season.

And while the defense has clearly been the Vols' strongest unit so far this season, it hasn't been infallible. Tennessee allowed Ohio (that's the Bobcats, not the Buckeyes) to pass for 319 yards on them two weeks ago, and it was Ohio's backup QB under center. And it wasn't like those stats were padded by the Bobcats having to go all pass-wacky late in the game to make up a huge deficit: Ohio never trailed by more than a single score until the Vols scored a touchdown with two and a half minutes left in the third quarter. A week later, Auburn's Chris Todd went an efficient 19-of-32 for 218 yards and a TD with no picks. Led by safety Eric Berry, the Vol secondary has been just as good at defending the deep ball as the Vol offense has been bad at throwing it -- only six completions for 20 yards or longer allowed all season -- but opponents appear to be finding success with short-to-medium-range passes. That may be one of the reasons that the Vols have only picked off three passes all season long.


From four interceptions against UCLA last year to 0 this year? Yeesh.

Last but not least, the Vols are one of the few teams in the country that have been as bad at covering kickoffs as the Dawgs have been -- 28.6 yards allowed per return, including one returned for a TD by Ohio. They've also given us a run for our money in terms of injuries -- starting middle linebacker Nick Reveiz, one of the defense's top field generals, tore his ACL against Ohio and is out for the season; leading rusher Montario Hardesty has been running on a shaky knee ever since tearing his ACL last year against Ole Miss, and had to have it drained a week ago; and Hardesty is running behind an O-line that's spent most of the season dealing with nagging injuries of their own.

What worries me: As much as we'd all like to believe that Georgia's offense has been leaps and bounds better than that of the Vols, the truth is we're really just different sides of the same coin. Tennessee can run the ball just fine but can't pass to save their lives; Georgia has performed pretty well in the passing game with Joe Cox but is currently a dud in the rushing department, currently 105th in the nation with only 98.8 rushing yards per game. But for Richard Samuel breaking off that 80-yarder against Arkansas, we'd be in the bottom 10. The rushing attack is even more of a question mark this week, as we appear to have gained a promising runner in Washaun Ealey (33 yards on 8 carries against LSU, easily besting any other RB who played in that game) but have lost Caleb King for at least one week with a fractured jaw. Regardless, Tennessee's run defense, ranked fourth in the SEC, will make life difficult for either one of them, particularly if our offensive line doesn't make substantial improvements in their run-blocking.


We seem to have gone from "three yards and a cloud of dust" to "one yard and a chorus of boos."

And as much progress as we made against LSU on a couple of our most nagging deficiencies -- we managed not to have a negative turnover margin for the first time all season and nearly doubled our season sack total -- we're still among the most penalized teams in the country (tied for fifth-most, actually, with almost ten flags per game). Last week we had no penalties in the first half and also didn't score any points; in the second half we scored 13 points but also incurred seven penalties (and not just the bogus excessive-celebration penalties, either -- an inexplicable illegal formation on a kickoff, false starts by offensive linemen who have been around the block enough times to know better). Does this mean that the only way for us to play well is to perform with such intensity that we commit dumb mental errors like those? I would hope that our coaching staff is able to do their jobs with a little more finesse than that, but who knows.

Then there are our special teams, which, outside of the punting and field-goal kicking, have been pretty disastrous. We're 97th in the country in punt-return yardage allowed and even worse on kickoff returns; the degree to which our coverage lapses have hurt us over the past season and a half is absolutely staggering. Tennessee has been relatively mediocre in the KO-return department -- David Oku and Nu'Keese Richardson are averaging right around 21 yards per return, not enough to crack the top 100 nationally -- but then LSU wasn't supposed to be any good there, either. (To give you an idea of how bad they were, Trindon Holliday returned kickoffs for 40 and 49 yards last week and the Tigers are still only ranked 93d in the nation in that category.) It really sucks when we only have a few seconds to enjoy each Georgia score before we have to start thinking, "Oh, shit, now we've got to kick off again." If this keeps up, maybe we should just run an on-side kick every time; I mean, if we're going to let opponents start drives in our own territory, we should at least give ourselves a fighting chance at getting the ball back.


Coach Searels isn't happy with his offensive line's performance. You wouldn't like Coach Searels when he's unhappy.

Player who needs to have a big game: Going to pull kind of a cop-out here and say "the entire offensive line." The O-line has done an admirable job of keeping Joe Cox's jersey clean -- he's only been sacked once in the past three weeks -- but beyond that it's been kind of a train wreck, particularly for a unit that was supposed to have been one of the best in the nation after soldiering through an injury-plagued 2008. Over the past three weeks, we have as many offensive false-start penalties as we do runs of 10 yards or more, and that's just unacceptable. We saw last week that there are some games even Cox and A.J. Green can't win all by themselves, and against a top-20 defense the line is going to have to step up in a big way (and cut down on the dumb mental mistakes) to give our RBs a fighting chance.

What does it all mean? Let's get one thing out of the way: On paper, at least, Tennessee is not a great team, nor are they a team that's even demonstrated any notable improvement compared to last year. Just like the 2008 squad, they've beaten a glorified I-AA team handily, beaten a MAC team by a lot less than they should have, and lost to UCLA, Florida, and Auburn in games where they were never completely out of it but never looked all that great, either. They don't really have a signature win yet, unless you think wringing 63 points out of a Jonathan-Crompton-led offense is such a miraculous feat that you don't even care it came against Western Kentucky. If we can beat Arkansas and South Carolina and nearly manage to knock off LSU, we should be able to beat the Vols.

But it's obvious that we haven't improved any over last season, either (which has to qualify as the understatement of the year). The passing game is holding its own, the defense is probably a little better, but our special teams are worse on the whole, and the running game evidently disappeared along with Knowshon Moreno. We're in a very uneasy state of limbo right now where we can conceivably beat just about every team remaining on our schedule but conceivably lose to just about all of them, too; for a team that's played five BCS-conference opponents, three of them now ranked in the AP poll, and managed to go 3-2 against them, that's a weird place to be.


There is a place for teams that are neither good nor bad.

There were enough positives to take from the second half of the LSU game that I really wanted to believe we were headed in the right direction despite the loss -- we proved we could manage not to turn the ball over three times per game, for example, and we pressured the QB to a degree I hadn't seen in a long time. Both of those improvements, I think, will serve us well in Knoxville this weekend. But penalties are still hurting us -- even those not of the completely-arbitrarily-dished-out-by-tight-ass-referees variety -- and just as I couldn't see how a team that could be counted on for three turnovers every game was destined for anything great, I can't see how a team unable to cobble together a triple-digit rushing average is destined for greatness, either. It would be melodramatic to say we're a team on the brink right now, but at 3-2 for the first time in Richt's tenure (seriously) and coming off an intensely demoralizing last-minute loss, we're certainly vulnerable; it's not a good sign when the season's not even half-over and you're already facing a "must-win" game, but here we are.

It's not only must-win with respect to our season, it's must-win in the sense that we don't want to hand Lane Kiffin a victory in his very first game against us. I'm still not convinced Kiffykins is a great coach, but I do have to give him credit for being at least a little better than I thought he'd be; the Vols' refusal to collapse against Florida (and, really, against Auburn as well, if you think about it) should attest to that. Still, there's no reason our ninth-year coach should be giving this first-year coach a victory, particularly at a time when it might give the punditocracy a green light to write a bunch of articles about how Tennessee might be pulling back ahead of Georgia in the SEC East and Mark Richt might be over the hill. Mark Richt losing for the first time to Les Miles, while dispiriting, isn't the end of the world; Mark Richt losing for the first time to Lane Kiffin, on the other hand, would be a very, very bad omen, whether Kiffin turns out to be an idiot or not.

So how do we win? It's tempting to think that we can just sit back and let Jonathan Crompton lose this game for the Vols. Certainly, he's no more likely to win it for them than our running game is going to win it for us. But Kiffin and the offensive coaching staff have done a fairly good job of managing risk with their QB -- he's rarely been asked to throw any deep balls, and he's been rewarded with both a slightly higher completion percentage and a better TD/INT ratio than he had through the first four games (against, as I've pointed out, an essentially similar schedule) before getting injured last season. From my inexpert observation, it seems like we've done a slightly better job the past couple weeks of not leaving receivers alone within a 10-yard radius like we did so often against South Carolina and Arkansas, but we're still not doing a consistent enough job that I'm completely confident in our ability to keep the Vol offense from moving the chains when they need to. It's probably too much to expect Willie Martinez to just completely shift defensive schemes this week, but if ever there was a time to scrap our soft zone and go to man coverage in the secondary, it's now; if we can't depend on man-to-man to keep Jonathan Crompton from completing passes, we might as well pull out of D-IA and try to get arena football started as an NCAA-sanctioned sport.


But since there's already an arena team bearing the Georgia name, I suggest we stick with the stopping-Crompton thing.

The X-factor for Tennessee is the running game, which so far has been led by Montario Hardesty and Bryce Brown. They're both averaging five yards per carry right now, which is worrisome, but those statistics have been inflated by Western Kentucky and Ohio; outside of those two games, neither Hardesty nor Brown have a 100-yard rushing day, and their best per-carry average has been Hardesty's 4.8 against Florida. I think Hardesty will be a chain-mover but not a game-changer, particularly if we stack the box as much as we should given the weakness of Tennessee's passing attack. (Of course, the very fact that I wrote that means Hardesty will go off for 150 yards on Saturday, so be prepared.)

As for our offensive scheme . . . well, with Joe Cox having thrown so many nice medium-to-long passes lately and Tennessee having only picked off three passes all year long, it's tempting to tell Joe Cox to just open it up, launch it deep to A.J. Green as often as possible, and hope for good things to happen. But Tennessee's ace in the hole for this game is the fact that they know they don't have to worry about much of a rushing game from us. Put it this way: If you're Monte Kiffin and your big conundrum is whether to worry about A.J. Green or Richard Samuel, which one do you pick? Yeah, I know, Washaun Ealey provided a much-needed spark midway through the LSU game, but according to David Hale, at least, Ealey's still a good ways behind Samuel and Caleb King on the pass-blocking curve. So it probably didn't take Kiffin more than a few minutes of LSU-UGA film-watching to realize that Samuel on the field = pass, Ealey on the field = run. Unless we Ealey can pick up pass-blocking in a hurry, or Samuel can break out of his slump, Tennessee's front seven is going to be keying in on us all day.

That prompts me to suggest that our offense play as conservative a game as Tennessee is likely to do. If Ealey is still struggling to pick up the blocking schemes, we need to figure out ways to let Cox get rid of the ball more quickly, but we could have worse problems; Tennessee's pass-efficiency defense has been good because they've kept yards-per-attempt fairly low, but they've allowed a not-inconsiderable completion percentage of 57.9, so if the short/medium ball is all they're going to give us then we might as well take it. Keep the Vols guessing with a mix of short passes to Moore, Wooten, and the tight ends, then throw in a long bomb to A.J. every once in a while.


Which, hopefully, will be of the "that's awesome" rather than the "desperate" variety.

It would be nice if we could build up an early lead on the Vols, since their offense clearly isn't built for big come-from-behind heroics, but between UT's defense and my expectation that both offenses will be playing it close to the vest, particularly in the early going, I don't think we'll be that fortunate. If we don't score on the first couple drives, the key is to not panic, just depend on Drew Butler to keep pinning them deep with punts and wait for the field-position battle to work in our favor (until, of course, we score and let the Vols return the ensuing kickoff to midfield). This looks to be another low-scoring, conservatively played game, and let's recall that the last one of those we were in, we didn't score a single point before halftime and still managed to almost pull it out in the end. Obviously I hope we'd be able to score a couple times in the first half this weekend, but I'm just saying there's no need to panic if we don't get on the board right away.

Last year we dominated the Vols far more than the 26-14 final score suggested, thanks mainly to a punishing running game that ground them down in the second half. Obviously we don't have that kind of luxury in the backfield this time around, so the final score will be closer and we'll be spending a greater percentage of the game biting our nails. I think the score will be low enough at halftime that neither team will be very far ahead of the other, and while Georgia may be able to put a score or two on the board in the second half to look like they're pulling away, either a late turnover or long Hardesty run will keep the Vols in it. We're the more talented team here, we should win, but a victory by any more than a single score (for either team) would be a huge surprise.


I like Kiffykins when he looks like this. Let's try and keep him that way.

What all this means, of course, is that whoever wins, the final score is going to be something like 48-31. Hope you've got plenty of booze and/or nitroglycerine tabs at the ready. Whatever the final score ends up being, though, let's just win this one, please. Otherwise I'll have to join Kiffin Victims Anonymous, and the shame of having to stand up at that very first meeting and introduce myself might just be enough to kill me.

If you're trash-talking: You'd think that "Ha-ha, you're starting Jonathan Crompton as your quarterback on purpose" would be enough, but the thing is, Crompton has come closer to winning an SEC championship ring than Casey Clausen ever did. Crompton went in for one play against LSU in the 2007 SEC championship game, which the Vols lost by only a touchdown after leading for most of the game; Clausen quarterbacked Tennessee through the entire championship game in '01 and the Vols lost by 11.

Tennessee has more losing seasons (2) in the last decade than SEC championships (0), and their program has sunk so low that they play "Rocky Top" just for getting first downs. Against Western Kentucky. (Don't deny it, Vol fans. I watched that whole game; I saw what you did.)


WOOOO YEAH! Suck it, Hilltoppers!

I will run up and down Highland Avenue in front of my apartment wearing nothing but a Georgia flag wrapped about my nether regions if: Georgia wins by double digits. We've got three wins this season, and somehow all of them feel like we got really lucky; even the 11-point victory over Arkansas involved us having to come back from a 21-10 deficit in the first quarter. It's time for us to start at least acting like we want to be dominant.

By the way, before anyone asks, yes, Holly and I have made our respective wagers on this game. If Tennessee wins, I think I have to let her dress Jenna up in some horrid pink sparkly costume for Halloween; if Georgia wins, Holly has to . . . well, you'll get to see that one if/when it happens. But it's worth a bare-assed flag run, so I'd still feel like I came out the winner.

Monday, October 5

Poll dancing, week 5: Gunning for Mr. Stubborn.



When Brian of MGoBlog does his weekly sifting of the BlogPoll ballots, the voter whose ballot looks the least different from his previous week's ballot wins what has come to be known as the Mr. Stubborn Award. I think there's a good chance Hey Jenny Slater will be in the running for that "honor" this week -- with few big games (only five Big 12 teams played at all on Saturday, for example) and almost no big upsets (for the first time all season, it seems), there isn't a lot of swing from last week's ballot to this one. Aside from the always-thrilling "How many yards will Georgia's kick-coverage unit give up before they decide to tackle somebody?" game, it was a fairly bland Saturday.

Games watched: Louisiana Tech-Hawaii, West Virginia-Colorado, most of Michigan State-Michigan, parts of Alabama-Kentucky, LSU-Georgia.



The next five: Brigham Young, West Virginia, Georgia, Notre Dame, South Carolina.

Dropped out: California (23).

· Not much action in the top 10: Southern Cal jumps up after a big road win over California, Miami takes the place of the Oklahoma team they beat, Oregon and Virginia Tech trade places, but that's about it.

· The rest of the poll is fairly static, too: Penn State, Georgia Tech, and South Florida all climb a few slots after fairly convincing wins, while Houston plummets into the 20s after allowing approximately seven thousand points to UTEP.



· California gets dumped right out of the top 25 after a second straight blowout loss in which they only managed three points. They're replaced by Texas Tech, who . . . kicked the crap out of New Mexico on Saturday? Really, they just happened to be in the right place at the right time, I guess. If anyone has a better candidate for the #25 spot -- and I'm sure there's got to be one -- by all means, let me know.

A relatively unsurprising weekend in the SEC means there's not much swing in the Power Poll ballot, either:

1. Alabama -- Didn't jump on Kentucky as instantaneously as Florida did, but neither did they fall victim to what a lot of people assumed was going to be a letdown opportunity.

2. Florida -- No clue what they're going to do against LSU, but after seeing the way the Tiger offense continued to slog around against Georgia, I'd be tempted to rest Tebow, start Brantley, and let the defense take it from there.



3. Auburn -- Monte Kiffin's defense worked as advertised against AU: The Tigers failed to match their 526-yards-per-game average. (They only got 459 yards.)

4. LSU -- Still not convinced they're anywhere near the #4 team in the country after doing everything they possibly could to keep the Dawgs in the game for 59 minutes. Still, they won, so that's something, I guess. Tigers, please send your thank-you notes to our kickoff-coverage unit (and CC the refs while you're at it).

5. Georgia -- Thought the LSU game would finally give us a better handle on what kind of team this is, but they still don't do anything consistently well besides drive me crazy. Neither a 38-35 win at Tennessee nor a 13-10 loss would surprise me.

6. South Carolina -- Experienced the expected hangover after finally beating a top-five team at home, but turned it on in the second half. Still not quite convinced their ceiling is any higher than eight wins.

7. Ole Miss -- Jevan Snead has gone from trendy contrarian's pick for top SEC quarterback to seventh or eighth, and that's if you don't give Mike Hartline any credit for having played a tougher schedule.



8. Arkansas -- Their win over Texas A&M was more an exposé of just how flimsy the Aggies' 4-0 record was than a major turning point for the Hogs, but I bet Jerry Jones was happy, at least.

9. Tennessee -- Why Kiffin is still starting Crompton at this point I have no idea. Even when Crompton performs well, it's usually only because the coaching staff is openly terrified of giving him anything but the easiest throws to complete.

10. Mississippi State -- How do you let Josh Nesbitt complete 11 of 14 for 266 yards? That's like getting smoked by Stephen Hawking in the 110-meter hurdles.

11. Kentucky -- Will get crushed by South Carolina and Auburn the next two weeks but then sweep their soft midseason slate to get to six wins and a Papajohns.com Bowl berth. Let me know if I can recommend any good restaurants in Birmingham, Wildcat fans.

12. Vanderbilt -- Vandy is like a rack of ribs: You know you're going to devour them but you never look good doing so, and you usually feel bad afterward.

Monday Morning Cage Match XVII:
Two establishments that celebrate sports in, um, different ways.

As many of you probably already know, I'm kind of a fan of the Hooters restaurant chain. I like the, uh, atmosphere. But the place has its detractors -- people complain that it's tacky, the food's mediocre, et cetera. And then there's the most frequently heard complaint of all, which is that the place objectifies women.

I have to concede that point a little -- the, you know, stretchiness of the standard employee attire might verge a little on the gratuitous. Then there's the name of the restaurant itself, which, come on, we all get it. But it's not like that kind of innuendo is restricted to Hooters, nor to the female gender. In fact, there's a major sporting-goods company that pulled in revenues of nearly four billion dollars last year and whose very name makes reference to a sensitive part of the male anatomy. And does anyone ever get all worked up over that? It's time to determine once and for all which is truly the more respectable establishment, and that's the kind of thing the Monday Morning Cage Match was made for. Thus we present: Hooters vs. Dick's.




Hooters

Dick's Sporting Goods
Founded19831948
WINNER: Dick's
LocationsNearly 450 in 46 states and 24 foreign countriesMore than 300 in 40 states across the U.S.
WINNER: Hooters
Employee uniform
WINNER: Hooters
Current promotionsRegularly occurring poker nights, trivia nights, and bikini contestsFree shipping on NFL jerseys and any orders of $125 or more
WINNER: Hooters
Recent acquisitions/
expansion
Miami Hooters arena football team (marketing agreement ceased 1995), Hooters Air (ceased operations 2006), Hooters Casino HotelGalyan's Trading Company, Galaxy Golf, Chick's Sporting Goods
WINNER: Dick's
Chance you'll run into John DalySubstantialPossible in the golf department
WINNER: Hooters
How are the wings?OKN/A
WINNER: Hooters

FINAL SCORE: Hooters 5, Dick's 2. OK, maybe this one was a little unfair.

Sunday, October 4

So after the laughter, I guess comes the tears.


Even ninjas get the blues.

Well, between my absolutely horrendous EDSBS picks for this week and the preview/breakdown of the LSU game, y'all are hereby absolved of whatever dwindling obligation you had to pay attention to anything I say. Nearly everything I'd been harping on Georgia to do for the past month, we did: Kept the turnovers in check (and, but for the one game-ending interception on a pass we shouldn't have even needed to throw in the first place, wouldn't have had any at all); pressured the living shit out of the quarterback (for six sacks' worth, thereby more than doubling our season total), and against a mobile quarterback, no less; even found a bit of a running threat in Washaun Ealey, albeit a little late in the game. Did all that, and we still lost. If that's the best return that I can expect from my exhaustive research and borderline-obsessive emotional investment, then I'm not gonna lie to you, I might as well just say fuck football and turn this back into a primarily political blog, which I know would please most of you immensely. (Except politics only breaks my heart almost as bad! Where, oh where are we to find the men and women courageous enough to pass the public option?)

Let me get this out of the way now before I go flying off the tracks here: The excessive-celebration penalties in the fourth quarter, while completely and utterly bogus, didn't singlehandedly lose the game for Georgia, unless you think the penalty was so emotionally demoralizing that it kept us from tackling Charles Scott on LSU's winning touchdown run. But with that said, somebody in the NCAA needs to sit down with the rule book and figure out exactly what qualifies as what's "excessive" and what isn't, and then make sure those rules are uniformly applied, because I'm getting damn sick and tired of a bunch of excited teenagers being expected to do nothing more than nod politely and hand the ball back to the refs after scoring a touchdown on national fuckin' television. And if those refs honestly can't discern between taunting and mere pump-up-the-rest-of-the-team jubilation, then perhaps the competitions they're assigned to moderate need to be a little less intense in nature, like something along the lines of high-school debate team matches.

Now then, here's another thing I said earlier this week that ended up not having any relevance: I said we'd at least have a better idea of what kind of team we had coming out of the LSU game, and I'm still not sure we do. Which is the real Georgia offense, the one that spent the entire first half tripping over its own shadow or the one that showed flashes of brilliance in the second half? How much optimism can we express about the potential revival of our running game based on only eight carries by Ealey? Should I be happy about the defense's performance for the first 59 minutes or pull my hair out dwelling on the one last minute we couldn't get it done (and justify it by pointing out that LSU's offense was absolutely nothing special to begin with)? If anyone has any trenchant, concrete insights into these issues, by all means, share; clearly I have no more relevant insights into this team's fortunes than Jenna does.


Jenna (at right, bejerseyed) and Earl do an uncanny impression of Georgia's offense in the first half.

As agonizing as the first half was, the way that we came back in the second half and refused to give up almost makes me want to put up one of those "Despite the loss, I feel better about the team than ever" posts. I'm not gonna do that, since I did it a couple of times during the 2006 season and got nothing but additional tears for the trouble. (And I was kind of hoping our program would be at a point where we could avoid indulging in that kind of moral-victory shit anyway.) I will say this: The second-half effort against LSU demonstrates improvement in a number of areas over where we were coming out of the Oklahoma State game, particularly in the area of turnovers and QB pressure, somewhat less so in terms of consistency in the run game. And a Georgia team playing at exactly the level it did in the second half Saturday will be good enough to beat Tennessee Tech and Vanderbilt, perhaps also Tennessee and Kentucky. But to beat any of the remaining teams on our schedule, that improvement is going to have to continue at a more than incremental rate, and the lingering issues standing in the way of that improvement (confused run-blocking, indifferent punt coverage) are going to have to be solved.

Once upon a time, as recently as our blistering second-half run in 2007, I would've had near-complete faith in our coaching staff to solve those problems. Now, I'm not so sure. Last year we managed to tangibly regress over the course of a season for what was, as far as I could ascertain, the first time in the Mark Richt era; this season, we've been so inconsistent in nearly every area that you could practically use a coin flip to make your predictions on just about anything from whether we win or lose to whether it's a defensive struggle or a blazing shootout. Perhaps it's a product of all the really young talent we've put out on the field this year, far more so than in any previous year I can remember, particularly at the offensive skill positions. But we're at a point now -- past that point, really -- where we should be making some concrete decisions about what to do with those guys, and our continuing inability to do that is preventing us from acquiring any kind of identity on offense. Hell, we're having some of those same issues even with our established playmakers (can anyone, anyone at all, explain what A.J. Green and Rennie Curran were doing on the sideline for even a minute of yesterday's action?). We're too talented a team, and too far into the season, to still be resorting to the "throw-stuff-against-the-wall-and-see-if-anything-sticks" strategy, but it still seems like that's what we're doing a lot of the time.

That's about all the insight I can offer at this point; beyond that I'm just as blind as everyone else. But while my prognosticating eye may be blind, my faith isn't. Help me out here, Mark. I want to have hope, but I gotta know what we're doing first. Depending on what type of skid you're in, people will tell you to either steer into it our steer out of it; right now it kind of just seems like we're sawing the steering wheel back and forth and pounding the brakes at random. Let's please figure out which way we're supposed to be steering before we end up hitting a tree.



· Didn't get to see much of the later action since I spent most of the evening driving back to C-Town, but from what I've seen in looking over the recaps this morning, I think I'm actually starting to agree with something Lou Holtz said earlier this week: Only three teams look like they deserve to be in the top 10 at this point. After Texas, Alabama, and Florida, I think they should just put "N/A" in slots 4 through 9 and pick up again with Cincinnati or somebody at #10. Ohio State (ranked ninth as I type this) dominated Indiana fairly impressively given that Indiana has looked better than anyone expected, and USC crushed a Cal team that's started its second-half skid even earlier than usual this year, but other than that there weren't a lot of top-10-caliber performances. And it's not like most of them were even playing good opponents, either.

· Here's a meme that should be building more steam at this point: the "Just How Bad Was Georgia's Loss To Oklahoma State?" game, otherwise known as Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon If Kevin Bacon Was A Homeless Alcoholic. Georgia loses to Oklahoma State, who goes right out and loses to Houston at home; Houston survives a couple weeks as a potential BCS-busting Cinderella, then gets unloaded on for nearly 60 points by a UTEP squad that has accomplished precisely jack and squat in the past three seasons. You know what this means, don't you? However many points Memphis is getting next Saturday, jump on 'em.


Nineteen of 34 for three TDs and three picks gets you a "good job," but it sure as hell doesn't get you any "giggety"s.

· As up and down as Joe Cox has looked this season, is there anyone who'd take Jevan Snead over him at this point? His QB rating this season against I-A competition is 118.7, which is five points lower than Joe Cox's against LSU in spite of the fact that our offense basically wrote off the entire first half. I'm really starting to wonder if Steve Spurrier's errant vote for Snead in the preseason All-SEC balloting didn't carry some kind of voodoo curse.

· The ACC is starting to remind me of that exchange from "The Incredibles":

Dash: You always say 'Do your best,' but you don't really mean it. Why can't I do the best that I can do?
Helen: Right now, honey, the world just wants us to fit in, and to fit in, we gotta be like everyone else.
Dash: But Dad always said our powers were nothing to be ashamed of, our powers made us special.
Helen: Everyone's special, Dash.
Dash: [muttering] Which is another way of saying no one is.


Pretty much. If Maryland and Virginia are special, then no one is.

· UAB Blazers Watch: UAB, which had never beaten Southern Miss in the program's history coming into this season, lost to the Golden Eagles by scores of 37-7 and 70-14 the last two years. So what happens when I publicly pick USM to beat an outwardly easy-peasy 10-point spread at Legion Field on a Thursday night? The Blazers win by two touchdowns. Blazers Watch will continue each week, as they appear to have something to play for after all, but I hereby recuse myself from predicting any more games involving UAB, for gambling purposes or anything else.

· Wofford Terriers Watch: The Terriers got outscored 16-0 in the third quarter and lost to Georgia Southern, 26-21. At 1-4, WU is one loss away from having the Terriers Watch suspended indefinitely.



· And if that happens, it may be replaced by the Cheerleader Curse Watch, as we had a possible relapse this weekend: UNC's Brittney (above) got to watch her Tarheels hand Virginia their first win of the season, in Chapel Hill, no less. If that ain't cursed, I don't know what is.

Friday, October 2

The Friday Random Ten+5 prefers the pointy ball.

Well, the Braves lost last night, bringing an end to what was shaping up to be a very interesting MLB wild-card race. I was sorry to see that happen, but I'll be honest with you: My interest in baseball, which was once reasonably high, has been waning steadily for years now. I guess that when the Braves stopped winning pennants like clockwork every single season, it kind of opened my eyes to a hard truth -- baseball, as a sport, just isn't that exciting. I mean, I still love the Braves and will root for them no matter what, but outside of that and the College World Series I just can't get into it. Both the gameday experience and the game itself have a lot of fundamental flaws, and with my investment in the baseball season more or less concluded with the Braves' loss, now seems like as good a time as any to explain them: This week's +5 is Five Reasons Baseball Is Inferior To Football.



The field layout is all weird and runs completely counter to the concept of a competitive, binary sport
Think about it: In football, baseball, and even hockey, you've got two teams who start at one side of the playing area and who are trying to move in generally linear fashion toward the opposite side of the field to put the ball or puck or whatever in a specific place. In baseball, however, the goal is to end up right back where you started. And you don't have the ball because the offense never touches the ball to begin with. And then you've got the fact that the playing field itself isn't even of uniform size, so what counts as a home run in one park might not count as a home run in another park. This is no way to run a sport.



There are long stretches where nothing happens
Football has timeouts and pauses for official review and that kind of thing, but other than that the action is generally constant; on every play, everybody is moving, because everybody's got a job to do, whether it's running, blocking, or trying to tackle someone. You can't have an extended conversation during a football game unless it's halftime. In baseball, though, the batter may just stand there waiting for a pitch to hit, and even if he hits it there may only be a couple guys in the outfield who are actually in a position to do anything. And because there's no game clock of any kind, everyone on the field can just take their sweet-ass time to do whatever it is they're supposed to be doing. I have long been a proponent of what I guess I'd call a "pitch clock" in major-league baseball: Once a pitcher lets the ball go, he's got 20 seconds to get off the next one. If he spends so much time fidgeting or adjusting his cap or reading bedsheet signs in the stands that the 20 seconds pass without a pitch, that's a ball. Seriously, pitcher, you've got exactly one thing you're supposed to know how to do out there, so fricking get on with it already.



Baseball is too subjective
I realize that football involves judgment calls too -- did the receiver have control of the ball before he went out of bounds, was that pass interference, where do they spot that ball, et cetera -- but for the most part it's pretty cut-and-dried. Baseball, however, involves the nebulous concept of a "strike zone," which people have attempted to define many times over (as shown above) but is ultimately still up to the discretion of an overweight white guy in an ill-fitting shirt whose entire job is to stand behind the batter and say "I think you should've been able to hit that." (I have friends who do that when I try to talk to girls at bars, and it's just as frustrating and irritating then, but I digress.) And this overweight white guy makes these judgment calls hundreds of times a game. The whole game is based around it. And again, that's no way to operate. It'd be like if a football referee said, "You just completed a pass for three yards, but against that defensive alignment you should've been able to go for a lot longer. That's a loss of downs and I'm making you do it over again."



There are 162 frickin' games
I honestly find it confounding how people get worked up over regular-season baseball games at all, at least before August, and equally confounding how MLB players manage to get motivated for them. If you're playing 162 games, who gives a rat's ass whether you lose a specific one? The NFL, however, only plays 16 games per regular season, and college teams only play 12 or 13, so every game matters. Then there's the fact that baseball must not be terribly physically taxing if you can afford to play six games a week, which goes back to the standing-around-doing-nothing point. Can you imagine what would happen if an NFL team tried to play six days a week? The players would all be in a persistent vegetative state less than a month into the season. Baseball players, on the other hand, can play six out of seven days and in many cases still stay relaxed enough to turn into complete fatasses. I can't respect that.



Cheerleaders
Granted, after a century and a quarter of professional baseball, some teams have finally seen the light and started adding the all-important element of hot chicks into the game experience -- the Atlanta Braves' Squaws, for example, all of whom seem like perfectly lovely, personable young women. But the cold, hard fact is that any good cheerleading squad involves a certain element of cleavage or otherwise-scantily-clad-ness, and as far as MLB is concerned, this seems to be something that only the Marlins Mermaids have figured out. Come on, guys, you've got to give us something to look at while everyone's standing around scratching their asses between pitches.

And now the Ten:

1. Roni Size, "Brown Paper Bag" (Photek remix)
2. N.W.A., "Fuck Tha Police"
3. R.E.M., "Daysleeper"
4. Pet Shop Boys, "Domino Dancing" (alternative version)
5. Me First & The Gimme Gimmes, "Only the Good Die Young"
6. Dave Brubeck Quartet, "Pick Up Sticks"
7. Thievery Corporation, "Focus on Sight"
8. The Pretenders, "Human"
9. Underworld, "Moaner"
10. Patton Oswalt, "Your Moment of Irony"

If you agree with the statement that baseball is superior -- or if you're a baseball fan who thinks I'm a disrespectful heretic -- share any additional arguments you might have, along with your own Random Tens, in the comments.

Thursday, October 1

I do it for the kids.

What I've been up to this week:

· Rollin' through the Kübler-Ross stages of grief with last weekend's most disillusioned and despairing football fans, sampling the tears of each and finding Florida State's and Miami's particularly smooth, with a nice finish;

· Examining the state of Michigan State football as they try to break a three-game skid against Michigan, of all people (see, I know Big Ten stuff!);

· Wagerin' money I don't actually have on this weekend's games, and using mad MS Paint skillz to depict Lucy from "Peanuts" packin' big-ass heat; and

· Carrying off the Straight Bangin' Award in this week's BlogPoll for being most cynical about the general worth of my own team. In case you hadn't noticed, we don't do optimism here.

Nobody knows anything: The LSU preview.


I guess placing a picture of the Golden Girls at the top of any post about LSU has pretty much become a Hey Jenny Slater tradition; it's either this or The Hat.

Hometown: Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

Last season: Rolled over inferior competition on the way to 4-0 and a #4 ranking, but got a 51-21 brass-knuckling from Florida and failed to win back-to-back games for the rest of the season; losses included getting a 52-bomb dropped on them at home by Georgia, another home loss to Ole Miss, and a one-point upset by 4-7 Arkansas. Redeemed themselves in the Peach Bowl by burying Georgia Tech's triple-option attack in a 38-3 win, but still finished the season just outside the top 25; final record, 8-5, 3-5 in the SEC.

Hate index, 1 being Adam West, 10 being Kanye West: Four. Yeah, Les Miles is a nutcase, their fan base is exclusively made up of obnoxious drunks . . . you say all that like it's a bad thing.

Associated hottie: Jennifer Dupont was a Golden Girl at LSU and held the Louisiana state title in the Miss Teen USA, Miss USA, and Miss America systems. She fell just short of winning the 2005 Miss America pageant, ending up first runner-up to Miss Alabama (and former UAB medical student) Deidre Downs, but Jennifer clearly fought the good fight:



What excites me: On paper, at least, LSU has to be one of the least statistically impressive top-five teams in history, particularly on offense. The Tigers are only averaging 310 yards of total offense per game which is good for 105th in the nation and dead last in the SEC; that's a staggering statistic when you consider a) how much skill-position talent they brought back and b) the overall weakness of the defenses they've played (Vanderbilt is the only one that ranks in the top 20 nationally at this point). The rushing offense ranks 10th in the SEC, which has to be particularly disappointing considering that they've got a mobile quarterback, a thousand-yard rusher in senior Charles Scott, and talented speedsters in Keiland Williams and Trindon Holliday, both of whom averaged better than five yards per carry last season. The Tigers were held to a mere 30 yards rushing last week at Mississippi State and are averaging only 3.8 yards per rush as a team, which leads me to believe that the loss of offensive linemen Herman Johnson and Brett Helms hit them harder than anyone predicted. (LSU's team speed also makes it all the more perplexing that they're fourth-worst in the country on kickoff returns, averaging only 15.7 yards per return.)

And even in the areas where LSU's statistics are good, you have to take into account the spotty schedule that they've played. Coincidentally, every one of their first four opponents is 2-2 at the moment, with Vanderbilt, UL-Lafayette, and Mississippi State all counting wins over I-AA opponents. New defensive coordinator John Chavis certainly seems to have improved LSU's defense over what they displayed down the stretch last year -- just to recap, they gave up 400 yards and 35 points on average over their final four SEC games of 2008 -- but the statistical difference between Chavis's defense and that of the much-maligned Willie Martinez isn't nearly what Georgia fans probably think it would be. And that's after facing the #61, #70, #76, and #91 offenses in the country. (For comparison's sake, all of Georgia's opponents rank higher than #61 in total yardage save for Arizona State.)

Finally, there are the intangibles -- Les Miles has gotten the Dawgs at a neutral site and at Death Valley and still hasn't come within two TDs of us; the last time the Tigers came to Athens, of course (under Nick Saban), they got sent home with "45-16" tattooed on their ass cheeks. And as ESPN has fallen all over themselves to point out, the first month of the season has not been kind to teams at the very top of the rankings, with a top-five team having gone down each week so far:

WeekRankTeamLost to
1#3Oklahoma#20 BYU
2#5Oklahoma StateHouston
3#3USCWashington
4
(Thurs.)
#4Ole MissSouth Carolina
4#5Penn StateIowa

With Florida and Texas both off, #5 Boise State getting a layup at home vs. UC-Davis, and #3 Alabama facing a Kentucky team demoralized after last week's shellacking, LSU certainly seems like the most likely candidate for a top-five hosing this week, particularly with pundits both mainstream and non having begun openly questioning whether the Tigers deserve their lofty ranking to begin with.


OK, that right there's a safety. I don't think he's supposed to have the ball. Please advise, over.

What worries me: LSU may not be doing many things all that well lately, but Georgia certainly isn't either, and what we are doing well we're not doing consistently. Since his opening-weekend dud at Oklahoma State, Joe Cox has looked pretty good, assembling a 173.89 QB rating and some beautiful deep balls against Arkansas's sieve of a defense, but he's still underthrowing receivers with regularity, and all but a couple of his interceptions so far have been completely inexplicable. For every terrific run that our RBs have managed to break off, there are three or four instances of them getting running tentatively and getting stuffed after only two or three yards. (Caleb King appears to be the most likely candidate to break out of that funk, but then he had an ugly fumble in the third quarter against ASU last week that started off our second-half turnover-fest.) On defense, we've performed reasonably well against the run, but there's not much evidence to indicate that we're performing all that much better against mobile quarterbacks than we did last year -- not a good sign when Jordan Jefferson is about to pay us a visit.

Then there's the turnover issue, which is just as ominous now as it was in week 1. I know I've harped on that issue here to a degree that's probably starting to drive some of you crazy, but the problem just gets more and more dire with each passing week: We've now handed the ball over three times in each game we've played, with the majority of those being either completely inexplicable interceptions or fumbles so random you could barely even call them "forced." Of our 12 giveaways, one has resulted in a blocked field-goal attempt, one resulted in a punt, and one came close enough to the end of the game that the opponent simply ran out the clock. The other nine have all resulted in points of some sort -- 55, to be exact, which becomes particularly infuriating when you consider that we've only outscored our opponents by a total margin of 123 to 119 so far this year. Georgia must be auditioning for Dr. Saturday's "Life on the Margins" Hall of Fame; those turnovers have singlehandedly transformed the Dawgs from a team that could be looking downright dominant at this point to one that's having to pull off Houdini-like escapes nearly every single weekend.

LSU, meanwhile, is sitting near the top of Division I-A in turnover margin (tied for fifth at +7 on the season), and the only reason they weren't able to convert more than five of their 10 takeaways into points is because their opponents at least waited to give up the ball until they were reasonably deep in LSU territory. All but one of Georgia's turnovers have been recovered on Georgia's side of the field, and two of them were inside our own 20. If you think handing over the ball in your own territory three times a game is a good way to beat a top-five opponent, whether or not you think that ranking is deserved, we need to have a long talk.


He's already broken Florida's national-championship trophy -- now he breaks defenses' hearts.

Player who needs to have a big game: Tight end Orson Charles. A.J. Green has been a shaolin assassin in every single game we've played, but the downside to that is that teams know he's coming and will put their best guys on him -- which, in LSU's case, will be cornerback Patrick Peterson, who had a pass breakup and a pick-six against Mississippi State and is one of very few truly dominant CBs we'll have faced so far this year (not to mention one of very few guys A.J. has faced who approach him in terms of size). If LSU tries to blanket Green as solidly as everyone thinks they will, that puts an even greater onus on the other receivers to step up, and I think our freshman tight end is going to have to play a big part in the passing game this week. LSU's secondary (which also includes preseason second-team All-SEC safety Chad Jones) will do everything they can to take away the deep ball this week, which puts more emphasis on the short passing game; that'll mean more looks for Charles, who's done a very good job of turning relatively short passes into long ones so far (he leads the team with a 20.9 yards-per-reception average, which would be sick for any receiver, especially a tight end). Joe Cox is going to need to bounce back from a spotty performance against the Sun Devils, and that's going to require both Charles and fellow TE Aron White to magically turn some relatively safe passes into big gains.

What does it all mean? In submitting my official SEC Power Poll ballot for this week, I said I couldn't recall a single time when we'd been this far into a season and still been so completely clueless as to the strength of so many teams in the conference. Outside of Florida and Alabama at the top of the standings and Vanderbilt at the bottom, pretty much every team in the SEC could still be either pretty good or pretty awful at this point. And perhaps no two teams exemplify that better than LSU and Georgia: The Tigers have played a mediocre schedule, won every game, but never looked particularly dominant doing so; Georgia, meanwhile, has played a far stouter schedule and gone 3-1, but has made numerous stupid mental errors throughout and has needed comebacks in each of those wins. As tough as this game is -- particularly coming on the heels of four non-joke opponents -- I'm grateful for it simply because it may finally give us an indicator of whether the Bulldogs are actually any good or not.

That sounds like a pretty passive-aggressive way of talking about one's own team, but I don't think that even the most blinkered red-and-black Kool-Aid drinker out there could deny that we've been one of the most inconsistent teams in the country up to this point. We've clamped down on one very good offense (Oklahoma State) and one very bad one (Arizona State), but also been shredded by one very good offense (Arkansas) and one that wasn't supposed to be anything special at all (South Carolina). We've run up big points on both Arkansas's lousy defense and South Carolina's pretty good one, but also been kept in check by Arizona State's good defense and Oklahoma State's mediocre one. Thanks to our special-teams coach's lingering obsession with directional kicking, we can't even predict whether one of Blair Walsh's kickoffs will land in the back of the end zone or go flying out of bounds. If you've got any Georgia Tech grads in your circle of friends, ask to borrow the 20-sided die from their Dungeons & Dragons set this weekend; that'll be as good a way as any to predict Georgia's performance against the Tigers.


OK, you rolled a four, which means we'll commit three turnovers before halftime but make a fourth-quarter comeback in which Reshad Jones returns an LSU fumble for the winning touchdown, thereby gaining +5 charisma.

So now that I've said all that, I realize it's almost hypocritical for me to try to make any kind of prediction regarding this game. But even with multiple grain-of-salt disclaimers in force, I gotta tell you, my honest assessment is I don't think we match up particularly well against LSU here, if only because their weaknesses aren't in areas we've displayed any great capability to exploit. With three new guys on the defensive line, their run defense should provide some openings, but our RBs haven't demonstrated enough crispness to be able to consistently do anything with that. The LSU passing offense clearly isn't anything special, but as the Gamecocks proved, those statistics don't matter when we don't bother to put any defenders within 5 yards of the receivers. Caleb King could step up and provide a spark in the ground game, and Georgia's pass rush, which has improved (if only incrementally) over the past couple weeks, could rattle Jordan Jefferson enough to make some bad throws -- but these are only what-ifs without a lot of concrete backup.

Then there's the turnover issue. We've been extraordinarily fortunate to have won three games in a row despite our continuing predilection for handing over the ball, but as I've said repeatedly, that luck is gonna run out sooner or later -- and I can't think of a more likely time for it to run out than against a team with as much raw talent as LSU. Maybe we could minimize the damage by at least having the good sense to turn it over on their side of the field, but again, even that's not something we've been terribly adept at so far this year.

Now, as I've pointed out, there are plenty of intangibles that break in our favor, one of them being the spotlight glaring on LSU thanks to their high (and, depending on whom you ask, somewhat precarious) ranking, another being Georgia's recent history of big-time success against the Tigers. I'd like to think that another would be the potential for LSU to be looking ahead to next week's matchup with a Florida team that could be without Tim Tebow, but I think that'll be neutralized in large part by LSU's desire to get revenge on the team that dropped half a hundred on them in their own stadium last season. Both teams come into this weekend needing to quiet a fair bit of "Not sure I buy them just yet" talk, so I don't think motivation is a factor that particularly favors either team over the other.


Oh, if only we could get them to start Jarrett Lee at QB again. I think I'd really enjoy that.

Really, there aren't a lot of factors period, tangible or intangible, that swing heavily in any one direction, so I think we'll have a fairly close, evenly matched game on our hands in which Georgia is, for the most part, able to match LSU blow for blow. But once the turnovers start -- and don't tell me you don't know it's going to happen, whether it starts early or late -- I think LSU starts to put some distance between them and the Dawgs that we can't make up. I can't honestly give you a reason why I'm getting that our-luck-runs-out feeling other than pure hunch, but that's what my gut is telling me right now, and if we don't get the turnovers fixed for this game, my guess is a final margin of -1 or -2 would be enough to send us to a loss by seven or eight points.

Naturally, though, I'd be happy to be wrong -- happy enough to make a fairly cut-and-dried wager below.

If you're trash-talking: Georgia's won six of their last eight against the Tigers, including the last three in a row (by an average of three TDs). After last year's game, you could also ask LSU fans if Darryl Gamble is going to lead the Tigers in receiving yardage for a second straight game. I cannot recommend whipping out the "LSU fans smell like corn dogs" jab because I have never experienced this particular phenomenon myself, but I sure would be interested in finding out how it got started.


Nevertheless, this remains hilarious to me, even if I don't really understand why.

I will run up and down Highland Avenue in front of my apartment wearing nothing but a Georgia flag wrapped about my nether regions if: Georgia wins, period. A home win over a top-five opponent for the first time in a quarter-century? I'll take it, and I honestly don't care how many turnovers we have or how lucky we need to get. We're still a deeply flawed team, and more than likely will continue to be one regardless of Saturday's outcome, but a deeply flawed 4-1 team is always preferable to a deeply flawed 3-2 one. And since I've openly picked LSU to win, simply being proven wrong (no matter how it happens) is enough to merit some publicly humiliating atonement.