I'm just kidding, Jesus. Happy birthday. Please tell Your dad not to smite me.
Anyway, here's some of what I got.
An authentic Red Air Force flask that will be filled with potato vodka at the first opportunity.
A Redskins hat with the gold cursive "R" just like the kind Joe Gibbs wears.
The first season of "Magnum, P.I." on DVD.
And in the least shocking development of all, a new toaster oven. (Thanks, baby sis.)
And then there were the gifts that have become family traditions, like the Gap gift card so that I can do the annual updating of my decrepit wardrobe, and the Playboy in the Christmas stocking. Let me back up on that last one, because there's a story behind it: Supposedly when my dad was 16 he made the mistake of telling his parents he wanted a Playboy for Christmas, and I'm sure they told him they would get him no such thing, but when Christmas Day finally rolled around, there was a Playboy right there in his stocking. And instead of enjoying it like any 16-year-old boy in his situation would, Pops immediately turned beet-red, ran off and hid the magazine under his mattress or something.
So now there's a Playboy in my stocking every December 25th, but the best part every year is hearing the story of how my mom got it. She's only 5'3" or something like that, and of course the lads' magazines are always up in the back of the rack at the bookstore where the children and ne'er-do-wells can't get to them, so most of the time Mom has to ask for help. One year it was from a Ranger who happened to be browsing the magazines at Joe Muggs while she was there; another year it was a couple of college students. According to Mom, this is the conversation that ensued:
Mom: Excuse me, can I get you to grab me one of the Playboys up there in the back?
College student #1: (a bit perplexed at being asked for a Playboy by a middle-aged woman) Uh . . . sure. (gets the magazine) So, like, what are you getting a Playboy for?
Mom: Oh, it's for Christmas, for my son.
College student #1: That . . . is . . . AWESOME!!
College student #2: I wish my mom would get me Playboy.
What's funny is that my dad is probably going to be a lot more embarrassed that I'm divulging all this than my mom is going to be.
But anyway, feel free to leave your own Christmas hauls in the comments thread, because I'm curious to see what everybody got, even if it was just a stocking full of reindeer poop. And I know at least a couple of you out there got that.