Monday, June 18

Intervention.



JEFF FISHER: Adam. Hi. Glad you could meet with us today. This is Steve Underwood, general counsel for the team, whom I'm sure you're well acquainted with by this point.

STEVE UNDERWOOD: Hi. Pleasure.

ADAM "PAC-MAN" JONES: Yeah. What's up.

FISHER: Well, Adam, I'm not sure quite how to broach this subject, so . . . do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

JONES: Naw, I guess not.

FISHER: OK. Well, Adam, uh -- what kind of porn do you like?

JONES Uh -- come again?

FISHER: What kind of porn do you like? Is there anything in particular you like to see when you're looking at naked women?

JONES: Uh -- aside from pussy? I don't think I get what you're --

UNDERWOOD: I think what Coach Fisher is trying to ask, Mr. Jones -- can I call you "Pac-Man"?

JONES: Whatever.

UNDERWOOD: OK, cool. Pac-Man, I think what Coach Fisher is trying to ask is, are there any particular types or genres of pornographic materials that you prefer over others? Do you like magazines, or are you more of a video man? Are you fine with soft-core, or do you need to see actual penetration? Any fetishes you're particularly into, girl-on-girl, latex, bondage . . .

FISHER: . . . autoerotic asphyxiation, peeing, pooping, bukkake, anything like that? Having a girl put on spike heels and crush a guy's balls?

UNDERWOOD: Uh, OK, coach, I think we've pretty well laid it out for Pac-Man here.

FISHER: Sorry.

UNDERWOOD: So, Pac-Man, did we hit a bulls-eye with any of those?

JONES: Uh . . . well, yeah, dawg, I guess I like all that stuff. Except for the spike heels and ball-crushing, I don't know about that.

UNDERWOOD: Fair enough. So it's safe to say, then, that pretty much any kind of depiction of a naked woman in a sexual context is appealing to you.

JONES: Yeah, I guess, but . . . man, back this up a second -- what's this all about?

FISHER: I'm just gonna come out and say it, Pac-Man -- Mr. Underwood and I are prepared to do whatever it takes --

UNDERWOOD: Within reason.

FISHER: -- within reason -- to keep you out of the goddamn strip clubs.

JONES: What?

UNDERWOOD: Let's call a spade a spade here, Pac-Man -- you and strip clubs just don't mix. I'm referring specifically to an incident back in February in which your, uh, entourage shot up a strip club in Vegas . . .

JONES: They was takin' my money, dawg.

FISHER: Pac-Man, that's what strip clubs are for. And if you didn't want them to take your money, why did you pull out a Hefty bag full of eighty-one grand in one-dollar bills and start throwing it all over the stage?

JONES: Yo, I told y'all, that was a visual effect, dawg!

FISHER: So let me get this straight, when you throw out a bunch of singles on stage at a strip club, you expect to get that money back?

UNDERWOOD: If I could steer this back on course for just a moment, Pac-Man, when that incident got you suspended for a year by the commissioner of the NFL, you met with Commissioner Goodell in New York to discuss that suspension. And what did you do the night before that meeting?

JONES: You mean besides playing PlayStation and, uh, reading to some kids at the library?

UNDERWOOD: Yes. Humor me.

JONES: Went and had some drinks with some friends.

UNDERWOOD: Uh-huh. And this occurred at . . . ?

[pause]

JONES: What, you want me to tell you the exact name of the place?

UNDERWOOD: Please.

[pause]

JONES: Uh, I don't remember.

UNDERWOOD: Of course you don't. But it is public record, Pac-Man, that you visited a strip club and then lied to Commissioner Goodell about it the next day.

FISHER: I mean, really, Pac-Man . . .

UNDERWOOD: And now of course we've got this incident in metro Atlanta.

JONES: So, what, dude, what you gonna do to me? You guys gonna suspend me? Go ahead, dawg, I already been suspended for the whole season! You want to take away my parking space at the stadium? Or, I know, you want to ground me? Tell me I can't even watch the games?

UNDERWOOD: Now, settle down, Pac-Man, this isn't about punishment. This is about . . .

FISHER: Behavior . . .

UNDERWOOD: Modification. Exactly. Behavior modification. We want to try to . . . perhaps provide a . . .

FISHER: Prostitute?

UNDERWOOD: [sighs] Thank you, Jeff, but no, we want to provide a -- an incentive for you to avoid those . . . environments in which you might be more vulnerable to . . . "challenging" behavior.

JONES: Man, speak English.

UNDERWOOD: If you must see titties, Pac-Man, we'd feel a lot better if you could do it without leaving the house.

[pause]

JONES: Man, this is fucked up.

FISHER: Look, it's like Mr. Underwood said, Pac-Man, we're not sitting here trying to punish you. There's nothing wrong with liking hot women -- you've seen my wife, I like hot women! There's nothing wrong with liking titties -- I like titties! But we just don't think strip clubs are the right place for you to be --

UNDERWOOD: Partaking.

FISHER: Uh, right. Exactly.

UNDERWOOD: And that's why we're asking you about your porn preferences. Any kind of porn that particularly turns your, uh, crank? You like artsy stuff? Or you like it a little raunchier? Or let me approach this a different way: What do you like most about strip club girls? Boobs? The dancing? Or you like big butts? Lemme guess -- you're a butt man, am I right, Pac-Man?

FISHER: Extremeasses.com, Pac-Man. Just say the word and you've got a subscription. You don't have to shell out a dime; me and Mr. Underwood will take care of it.

UNDERWOOD: Well, all due respect, coach, I don't know that I care to . . .

FISHER: OK, I'll take care of it myself. Extremeasses.com, Pac-Man. Or Booty Catchers. Wait, you didn't say whether you liked magazines or video, did you? OK, maybe I'll get you a subscription to Rear View. Or I'll get you Rear View and one of the Web sites, you can try 'em both out for a while, then decide which one you like best.

JONES: Man, I don't know . . .

FISHER: OK, just keep both of 'em. Fine. I'll pay for it. Money out of my pocket. It's nothing to me, Pac-Man! Just for God's sake, stay out of the strip clubs!

UNDERWOOD: Your coach is making you a very generous offer here, Pac-Man. He's doing it because he cares about this team -- we have, after all, made a substantial investment in the, uh, Pac-Man name -- but also because he cares about you. We got our Risk Management guys to run some numbers, and they concluded that at any given moment, when you enter a strip club, there's a 74.5% chance, on average, that shots are going to be fired. And a 36.4% chance that some of those shots are going to be fired at you. You understand that? You walk into any strip club in North America at this point, and on average, there's a better than one-in-three chance that you're going to end up like Tupac.

JONES: Wow.

UNDERWOOD: Yeah.

FISHER: Please, Pac-Man. I'm trying to save more than your football career. I'm trying to save your life.

[pause]

JONES: So tell me some more about Booty Catchers.

UNDERWOOD: Attaboy.

5 comments:

Jonathan said...

Wow, just wow, that was incredible

Anonymous said...

yeah wow, for some unknown reason i just feel puzzled and speachless right now. did anyone read that aricle Rick Riley wrote last month about the bounser at the club in Vegas that was shot. crazy stuff.

Anonymous said...

Very well done, Doug. I like how you incorporated risk management in there.

Maize n Brew Dave said...

Holy crap that was funny.

zen bubba said...

True story and only slightly off topic...

About 3 weeks ago I had a date at Pei Wei Grill (PF Changs fast food franchise) in Brentwood. At the front of the restaurant, where the line gets to the counter there is a second door for folks picking up carry out. I had been in line several minutes and was almost to the counter, in fact the only people that were in front of me were a father and his about 10 year old son who was wearing the jersey of all of Tennessee's favorite football player.

It was then that Jeff Fisher came in to pick up his carry out. The kid stood there slack jawed and on coming to his senses asked his dad if you could ask Fisher for his autograph. He approached the coach with the same gait that one might expect of a child approaching an NFL coach. When asked Fisher didn't hesitate, he whipped out the ever present sharpie and talked to the boy for several minutes about football, the importance of staying in school, making good grades etc,,, a real class act all around.

The kid talked about how the Titans were his favorite team evah and how Fisher was the best coach evah and generally gushed as 10 year olds do.

Fisher smiled and told the kid he would have to work on getting a different jersey then, and prommptly signed the boys on the shoulder.

The point of this story I guess is to show that even on a team of thugs there are some really nice people.

Also you should be on the look out on ebay for a Jeff Fisher autographed size medium boys Peyton Manning jersey.